


Yet Another Kingdom Hearts Parody: Kingdom Hearts III

by ShieldEcho



Series: Yet Another Parody Series: Kingdom Hearts [12]
Category: Kingdom Hearts (Video Games)
Genre: Dark Humor, Hot Take: This Game's Pretty Good Actually, Humor, I Don't Really Ship Seriously But Sometimes Soft Headcanons Can Be Fun, Parody, Screenplay/Script Format, obscure references
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-18
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:02:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 29
Words: 133,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25972585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShieldEcho/pseuds/ShieldEcho
Summary: Because why not. Contains all of the loose ends finally being tied up except for the parts that are clearly just sequel bait, my bad opinions on various pieces of Disney spin-off content, and everyone delaying the plot as much as possible for no clear reason other than to extend the game.
Series: Yet Another Parody Series: Kingdom Hearts [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/197186
Comments: 2
Kudos: 11





	1. I LOVE EVERYTHING ALREADY

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **HERE WE FUCKING GO and also here's a list of everything I stole from because referential humor is hilarious no really why aren't you laughing:** _The Hunger Games, The Lord of the Rings, Fairly Odd Parents,_ the former Super Best Friends Play channel, _Kung Pow: Enter the Fist, Firefly, JoJo's Bizarre Adventure,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Square Enix.

~The very first thing you see once you start the game is an Instagram post made up of screenshots of previous games that has a line about friendship, with actual hashtags. I, uh, I don't really know how to feel about that...~

 **Water:** *reflects one of the islands of Scala ad Caelum*

 **A few seagulls:** MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! *fly around the various towers and turrets and fans and windmills for scale purposes*

 **Camera:** *sinks into the water to show off all the fish floating around the bottom of each island before resurfacing, focusing on the tallest tower of one of the islands, following a trolley on a wire, before settling on an island with a clock tower because every OC planet has to have an important clock tower*

 **Screen:** *fades to white*

 **Massive window framed by off-white lacy curtains that would do** _**nothing**_ **to shield anyone from the sun:** *exists*

 **Xehanort:** Have you heard of the ancient Keyblade War?

 **Eraqus:** The fuck did that come from? Also yes, obviously, I would've figured that we'd learned about it together or some shit.

 **Xehanort:** ...It's been so long I forgot we used to call you “fanservice” backwards.

 **Eraqus:** Well I'm not calling myself that in my Dark Road notes so why bother with it at all when we're back in this time period.

 **Xehanort:** Meh, fine by me, I can appreciate laziness. Anyway, long ago, Keyblade wielders waged a war over the ownership of the concept of light. *uses a black and gold chess piece to take one of Eraqus's white pieces*

 **Eraqus:** I know, we're in all the same classes and have the same teacher. *takes the back piece that just took his white piece*

 **Xehanort:** I wonder what they planned on doing with Kingdom Hearts: Ultra Moon after making it appear, besides turning it into a multi-million dollar franchise spanning multiple generations of consoles.

 **Eraqus:** Who knows? I truly do not understand why anyone would initiate a war.

 **Xehanort:** Congrats on not being a purposefully ignorant xenophobic racist shitbag with no concept of basic human empathy who has no issue with making personal gains at the cost of others' lives.

 **Eraqus:** Don't congratulate me on something that as you just pointed out should be super fucking basic.

 **Xehanort:** You know what else is super fucking basic? Not being insanely abusive to your S.O.

 **Eraqus:** Whoa, what brought that on?

 **Xehanort:** Nothing recent!

 **Xehanort:** Okay then...Hey, speaking of being sort-of off-topic...

 **Xehanort:** Hm?

 **Eraqus:** ...You know how you're playing with black pieces and I'm playing with white pieces, how you're wearing black clothes and how I'm wearing white clothes...how our skin tones differ, and how you always take the villain side to the point of you ending up evil in the future?

 **Xehanort:** Are you implying that a property that has Disney attached to it isn't overly racially sensitive?

 **Eraqus:** ...Pretty much, yeah.

 **Xehanort:** Oh yeah, definitely.

 **Eraqus:** ...Does that ever...bother you?

 **Xehanort:** Sometimes, but usually I'm too busy concocting evil plans and the like to be overly concerned.

 **Eraqus:** Oh, okay then!

 **Xehanort:** So...back to what _I_ was talking about...you know the “Lost Masters”?

 **Eraqus:** ...Not personally, no.

 **Xehanort:** Of course you don't, I'm talking about the ones who started the Keyblade war, they would've died centuries ago. Unless of course they inexplicably show up later on as if no time has passed or like they'd been projected _forward_ in time but what are the odds of that happening.

 **Eraqus:** *fiddling with a white piece* Don't know much about them. *places the piece* Did you read ahead, or...?

 **Xehanort:** Well I don't actually know whether or not _they_ started it; someone could've had the war stated on their behalf for all I know. Point is, when the war did start, they were very prominently featured. *takes a piece*

 **Eraqus:** I'm not following you. Nor do I get why you want to talk about war in the first place. *places a piece*

 **Xehanort:** *immediately takes the piece Ecivresnaf had just placed* You can drop the facade.

 **Eraqus:** _Easily_ my favorite location in the first Nier. *waves a finger over his pieces, deliberating*

 **An astrolabe:** *spins around a giant glowing blue crystal in the middle of the room they're in; is _that_ our Final Fantasy representation for the main game?!*

 **Xehanort:** “On that land shall darkness prevail, and light expire.” *makes his move after Ecivresnaf makes his* I'm not trying to gatekeep necessarily, but I do feel like a future Keyblade Master in the making should probably learn the lore.

 **Eraqus:** If you say so.

 **Xehanort:** *looks up to where No Name has been mounted on the wall above the door* The Gazing Eye sees the fate of the universe. The future – it's already been written.

 **Eraqus:** *picks up a piece* Sounds more like a closed time loop than actual “fate.” *takes one of Xehanort's pieces* Plus who's to say we don't run on multiverse theory? Maybe not everything's as set in stone as you seem to think.

 **Xehanort:** Pretty confident. *takes a white piece* But the odds be ever not in your favor.

 **Eraqus:** Never tell me the odds. *takes a black piece* Besides, unlike darkness, there's more to light than meets the eye. *looks up so the camera can finally see his face* Light can be refracted into all the colors of the rainbow. Darkness is _just_ purple.

 **Xehanort:** *also looks up so the camera can see his face and his silver eyes as opposed to the yellow we're used to seeing him with* ...Somehow didn't expect you to go so literal on that last one.

 **Chessboard:** *exists*

 **A black piece with a weird goat-like motif and a white piece with a crown motif:** *are standing in the center of the board*

~I had some issues getting this game because I had the audacity to want a physical copy, which were things back in 2019, and the woman at the post office who ended up giving me incredibly wrong information that delayed things for an additional week was named Faith. So my at-the-time impatient as shit brain told me that Faith was figuratively telling me that I should take a leap. Which I found hilarious in hindsight because song lyrics.~

 **Gorgeous cloud-filled sky:** *exists*

 **Disney logo:** WHY CAN'T WE GET A KH ANIME ON DISNEY+ I WANTS IT I NEEDS IT MUST HAVE THE PRECIOUS.

 **Square Enix logo:** I feel like we're doing pretty well with the crowd pleasers recently, even if it is mostly just fanservice titles.

 **Kingdom Hearts III:** No this isn't the real logo, give it a planet or so.

 **Sora:** *talking in text over a black screen* They can blow up your planet. They can murder you to death. Cut you loose from all you know. But if it's your fate..then every step forward will always be a step closer to home. *is revealed to be standing on the surface of the water in the Final World at nighttime* Because of course that's how fate works; everything will obviously work itself out in the end so there's no reason to bother exerting any actual effort yourself and literally no matter what happens you can just say it was fated to happen in order to absolve yourself of any blame whatsoever. What I'm saying is that I disagree with the concept of fate in general.

 **Utada Hikaru:** ...Yeah I'm just gonna start singing now...

 **Clouds:** *pass, revealing a starry sky*

 **Xehanort:** Are we _still_ playing, it's fucking nighttime. *looks up from the chessboard and out the window*

 **One star in particular:** *glows purple and is reflected in Xehanort's silver eyes*

 **Xehanort:** Welp, won't be needing those retinas later. *places a black chess piece and creates a swirl of black smoke*

 **Three smoky trails:** *swirl around the Land of Departure*

 **Ventus, Aqua, and Terra:** Well. That's not apt.

 **One of the smoky trails:** *moves through Terra and turns him into Terranort* 

**Aqua:** That's not a good. *gets carried off by a second smoky trail*

 **The final smoky trail:** *slams into Ven and takes him to his and Vanitas's stain glass heart thing, which shatters under him as he falls asleep, turns into a tiny ball of light, and flies to the Destiny Islands*

 **Night:** *becomes day*

 **Sora, Riku, and Kairi:** *are dicking around on the beach, having that race from the first game* WE'RE CHILDREN, WE'RE CHILDREN, WE'RE CHILDREN, WE'RE CHILDREN!

 **A black chess piece with a horned motif that's meant to be Xehanort's Heartless:** *is placed*

 **Destiny Islands:** *are suddenly very dark and windy*

 **Sora:** Dafuq.

 **Riku:** Ah shit. *is surrounded by smoke and turns into Xehanort's Heartless*

 **Sora:** NO, MY LOVE, COME BACK TO ME! *tries to reach out to him but is blown away by the wind*

 **Kairi:** *is also being blown away by the wind*

 **Sora and Kairi:** NO, MY LOVE, COME BACK TO ME! *reach out for each other but are blown in opposite directions*

 **An overhead shot of a white chess piece with a crown motif:** *exists*

 **Sora:** *appears to fall into it* The opening seems slightly more metaphorical than usual this time around.

 **Xehanort:** *ponders the board*

 **Eraqus:** *watches the storm outside* Anybody else notice the lightning?

 **Xehanort:** I'm sure it's fine. *is still pondering the board as he tosses a chess piece up in the air and catches it repeatedly, then smirks*

 **Sora:** All of these time changes are confusing. Also it appears to be dusk-ish now. *is now falling through a sky at sunset as the camera zooms into his eye*

 **Roxas:** *is watching the sunset from the top of the clock tower in Twilight Town* Pretty...

 **Axel:** *punches him in the side of the head* Physical violence between friends is hilarious!

 **Xion:** *is also there, giggling*

 **All three of them:** *have ice cream*

 **Roxas:** How dare you find joy in things! *tries to push Xion off the clock tower for the high crime of laughing at him*

 **A black chess piece topped with two swords crossing each other:** *is emblematic of Xemnas*

 **Dark clouds:** *start to overtake Twilight Town*

 **Roxas:** *does the unthinkable and drops his popsicle, the most unforgivable crime imaginable* ...Oh I'm going to the special hell.

 **Axel and Xion:** *are no longer by his side*

 **Xion:** *is now standing on the air in front of him* 'Sup.

 **Roxas:** Hey can we not fight this time, I would prefer not to fight this time. *runs to her, reaching out, as the sky continues to darken*

 **Xion:** ...Yeah okay. I'll just die, then. *dissolves into light just as he reaches her*

 **Roxas:** *is now holding a shell as a final image of Xion smiling at him flashes through his mind before fading away with the rest of her* ...The hell was I just doing.

 **Xemnas:** Iunno. *passes by behind him*

 **Roxas:** *is suddenly facing Axel on top of the giant chessboard in the rain*

 **Axel:** Wait, we were inside the basement in the mansion, why's it raining, what's with the constant chess motif, what is going on—

 **Roxas:** SHUT YOUR FACE, NO ONE GIVES A SHIT. *summons Oblivion and Oathkeeper and charges at Axel*

 **Axel:** Oh fuck. *summons his chakrams and also a wall of fire*

 **Roxas:** *drags his Keyblades across the board before crossing weapons with Axel*

 **A bunch of black and gold chess pieces, each probably representing a different Organization member:** *flash by the camera in quick succession until it shows a single white piece topped by a star*

 **White chess piece topped by a star:** *fades into the image of that one cave drawing Sora and Kairi made*

 **A fourteen-year-old Kairi:** Honestly, looking back, these came out pretty well. *touches the drawing, smiling, and crying a single tear which falls into a pool of water*

 **Sora:** Have I been falling into darkness this entire time and was that tear meant to symbolize the hug Kairi gave me when I was a Heartless that turned me back to normal again? *is suddenly reaching for a light that makes him change into his KHII outfit, summon the Kingdom Key, and slash through the darkness*

 **Roxas:** *is standing in the darkness until a door to the light is opened*

 **The same thing:** *happens to Axel, Xion, Terra, Aqua, Ven, and Riku when he was at his hottest*

 **Sora:** Time for a boss rush! *runs across the chess board and slashes at Xehanort's Heartless, spars with Marluxia, and crosses weapons with Xemnas before sending a beam of light through Xemnas's final form*

 **A fifteen-year-old Kairi:** *is standing in a pure white space* I have _such_ a headache right now...

 **Sora:** Same. *is also there as the space becomes the Destiny Islands* Okay, that's way better.

 **Sora and Kairi:** WE HAVE FINALLY MET AGAIN, MY LOVE! *start to run toward each other, smiling*

 **Sora:** *is suddenly hit by lightning and stumbles as the sky is now overcast*

 **The white piece with the crown:** *is apparently Sora*

 **The white piece with the star:** *is apparently Kairi*

 **Black piece with something like a goat motif:** *is Xehanort who turns into Master Xehanort* Hey my eyes are yellow now.

 **Sora:** *groans* Why'd we have to bring time travel into this mess, it was confusing enough as it is.

 **Giant blocks of earth:** *erupt around him and Kairi*

 **Master Xehanort:** *materializes on the highest one* 'Sup.

 **His Nobody and Heartless:** *are also there* 'Sup.

 **Xehanort's Heartless:** *fires a couple of _bright, shining_ purple balls of _darkness_ at Sora and Kairi*

 **Sora:** Always with this. *moves to defend Kairi*

 **Donald and Goofy:** *move to defend him instead* WE'RE STILL IN THESE GAMES, IN CASE YOU FORGOT!

 **Sora:** ...I legit _did_ forget for a second there.

 **Xemnas:** Oh for fuck's sake. *moves to attack*

 **Way to the Dawn and Kingdom Key D:** *slam into the ground before being pulled out by Riku and Mickey respectively*

 **Riku and Mickey:** 'Sup.

 **Sora and Kairi:** Okay, our boyfriend's here, _now_ things are getting good. *summon Kingdom Key and Destiny's Embrace respectively*

 **Master Xehanort:** I tire of this. *summons No Name and is backed by the entire real Organization XIII, only two of which have their hoods down*

 **Sora:** Hang on, I wanna try something. *shoots a beam of light into the sky*

 **Master Xehanort:** MY RETINAS! *looks directly at the light anyway because he's a fucking idiot*

 **Xehanort:** *is now staring out the window at the sun before glancing back at the chess board that just has the one white chess piece topped with a crown standing in the center of the board* Wait, did Eraqus win or...?

 **Sora:** *is once again standing on the surface of the water in the Final World in his KHIII getup with a beam of light shining down on him* What do you mean we have to finish everything in the DLC for this to make sense.

 **The black goat piece:** *is in his hand*

 **Kingdom Hearts: Ultra Sun:** *burns above him*

 **Riku, Kairi, Mickey, Donald, Goofy, Axel, Roxas, Xion, Terra, Aqua, and Ventus:** *appear by his side and drive the rest of the dark clouds away, Kingdom Hearts Ultra Moon reflected in the water underneath their overlarge feet*

 **Kingdom Hearts III title card:** *appears from said reflection*

~I can't tell if I liked “Face My Fears” immediately or if I just quickly grew to like it because Kingdom Hearts.~

 **KHI Sora:** *is sinking down into the darkness*

 **Sora's stain glass heart thing:** *exists*

 **Sora:** *flips around and lands on it* ...Holy _fuck_ they upscaled this, it looks _gorgeous._ Also delighted to hear the classic “Dive to the Heart” track again, this game's already off to a rollickin' good start.

 **Text that probably isn't Mickey talking to Sora anymore unless it is:** There are seven hearts to save...

 **Sora:** *counting on his fingers* Aqua, Ven, Terra...Roxas, Naminé...Okay even if I remembered Xion we'd still be one short, are you talking about Repliku? Or are we foreshadowing what's gonna happen to Kairi later?

 **Mirror with way too pretty of a border, I want that in my fucking house:** *appears, showing Sora's KHII outfit on his reflection*

 **Game tutorial:** On the off-chance that you've never played a KH game before, here's how you play a KH game!

 **Sora:** Fair the fuck enough, fans have hyped this up so much that non-fans are probably super curious as to what all the fuss is about. Plus I always get the X and Circle buttons mixed up when it comes to jumping when I haven't played these games in a while anyway, a reminder's always nice.

 **Game tutorial:** Also reaction commands are back except not.

 **Sora:** Hitting me with that KHII nostalgia real fast, nice touch! *takes a minute to just walk around and admire the new-ish view, then walks up to the mirror and places his hand on his reflection, his hand sinking into the mirror as it turns to light and Sora gets pulled in, emerging on the other side in his KHII outfit* Oh good, I always liked this look way better. Not sure about this haircut in the new engine anymore, though...

 **Mirror:** *now shows his reflection in his KHI outfit before vanishing*

 **Screenshots of past games with super elaborate borders:** *appear and start circling around Sora's stain glass heart thing, towering over him since there have been a _lot_ of games*

 **Gif of Sora fighting Riku from KHI:** *descends*

 **Gif of Sora and Mickey sealing Kingdom Hearts: Door Edition:** *also descends*

 **Gif of Sora first agreeing to team up with Donald and Goofy as they unknowingly make future references to My Hero Academia:** *also also descends*

 **Text:** Yo, pick something.

 **Sora:** HOLY SHIT I HAVE IDLE ANIMATIONS THIS IS THE BEST GAME. *walks up to the first of the gifs which have been frozen into screenshots once more*

 **Screenshot of Mickey:** Wisdom...A sharp mind that will grant you mastery of wondrous power. Is this what you desire?

 **Sora:** ...Not this time around, don't think.

 **Screenshot of Riku fighting Sora:** Vitality...A rugged body that will endure even the toughest of challenges. Is this what you desire?

 **Sora:** Probably but I'm gonna check out the last one anyway.

 **Screenshot of Sora, Donald, and Goofy's hands:** Balance...A body and mind of equal merit and equal potential. Is this what you desire?

 **Sora:** Nope, going back to the middle one. *summons Kingdom Hey and points it at the screenshot of himself fighting Riku, firing a beam of light into its center*

 **All three screenshots:** *vanish*

 **Rest of the screenshots:** *continue to circle around overhead*

 **Gif of the bonus Roxas fight that got added to the Final Mix version of KHII:** *descends*

 **Gif of Sora making a pinky promise with Naminé at the end of CoM:** *also descends*

 **Gif of Sora meeting up with all his Deam Eater buddies at the end of 3D:** *also also descends*

 **Text:** Pick another one.

 **Sora:** *walks up to the latest batch of screenshots*

 **Pinky promise screenshot:** The power of the guardian...Kindness to aid friends. Is this the power you seek?

 **Sora:** _Right_ in the nostalgia feels! But no.

 **Roxas fight screenshot:** The power of the warrior...Invincible courage. Is this the power you seek?

 **Sora:** Probably, lemme just check this last one.

 **Dream Eater screenshot:** The power of the mystic...Inner strength. Is this the power you seek?

 **Sora:** Not this time around, no. *points Kingdom Key at the Roxas fight screenshot and shoots another beam of light at it, causing all three to vanish once more*

 **Gif of Sora wearing the novelty glasses at the end of 3D:** *descends*

 **Sora:** What the actual fuck.

 **Gif of Sora chasing after Pluto during the post credits scene of KHI:** *also descends*

 **Sora, Donald, and Goofy about to fight the thousand Heartless battle in KHII:** *also also descends*

 **Text:** One more choice and you're done.

 **Game tutorial screen:** Why yes this _is_ some DLC shit! Basically cheat codes'll be enabled based on what you choose, making things easier or harder on a whim.

 **Sora:** ...Huh. *walks up to this latest batch of screenshots*

 **Screenshot of the Pluto chase:** Usual Adventure: A familiar and straightforward path. Is this the adventure you seek?

 **Sora:** …

 **Screenshot of 3D after-party:** Easy Adventure: An easier path to fulfilling objectives. Is this the adventure you seek?

 **Sora:** Was hoping that one would've been the _bizarre_ adventure option but okay...

 **Screenshot of the battle of Hollow Bastion:** Challenging Adventure: A harder yet more glorious path. Is this the adventure you seek?

 **Sora:** ...So the first playthrough was done on Standard so ShieldEcho could just find out what happened in the fucking story. The second time was done as soon as Critical was made available and was where the vast majority of notes were taken for this parody. So we're going to ignore how they chose the Easy Adventure on Standard difficulty for their third go-around in order to tie up loose ends and grab any dialogue options they'd missed with as little hassle as possible and just pretend that they went with the Usual Adventure on Critical, m'kay? M'kay. *shoots a beam of light at the image of himself chasing Pluto*

 **All three screenshots:** *vanish once more*

 **Text:** *has the camera zoom in on Sora* Is this who you are?

 **Sora:** I mean honestly, based on screenshots alone, I would've gone with me with Donald and Goofy, me with Sweet Baby, and the 3D afterparty, on account of how important friends and forming connections are for me. It's like my most important and most talked-about aspect of my character. However, I am playing on Critical and I intend to at least attempt to fight me some Data Battles before giving up within seconds, so I'm going in hard on offense this time around.

 **All of the screenshots:** *vanish into tiny particle effects before those also fade*

 **Sora:** *looks down and sees that the floor has been flooded with normal water for once instead of the usual liquid darkness* Wow, am I gonna wake back up on the beach already?

 **Light:** *starts to shine*

 **Sora:** Ooooh, shiny. *starts to walk toward it but stops*

 **Water:** *starts to recede from him and pulls into a wave that can't quite obscure the light shining through it*

 **Sora:** Fuck's sake. *runs toward the light in the hopes that it'll transport him somewhere else before the wave crashes over him since what the fuck else is he gonna do*

 **Wave:** *crashes over him anyway*

 **Sora:** *is now under way more water; he swims up to the surface and is suddenly standing on top of the water in an incredibly bright location that holds nothing but blue skies and white clouds over still waters as far as the eye can see*

 **Clouds:** *are moving incredibly fast*

 **Sora:** ...Well this is unnecessarily gorgeous. I wonder if it'll have any significance later in the story, especially for me personally.

 **Shadow Heartless:** *appear*

 **Sora:** *summons Kingdom Key* Usual tutorial battle?

 **Game tutorial screen:** Usual tutorial battle.

 **Sora:** On it. *kills 'em* Hey cool, I'm already earning munny! *vanishes Kingdom Key*

 **Darkside:** *erupts from the surface of the water behind him, now sporting a weird watery texture itself because why the fuck not*

 **Sora:** Oh I have _heard_ about this fight on this difficulty—HOW HAVE I ALREADY DIED FOUR TIMES. WE'RE OFF TO A _ROLLICKIN'_ GOOD START! * _just_ barely manages to survive the fifth attempt* Ooooh, Fire...and Water? This game has Water magic!? Why do I immediately love this game just based on that!?

 **Game tutorial:** Wanna do any of that shit again?

 **Sora:** I DO NOT, THANK YOU.

 **Game tutorials:** Okay, just know you got shit in the menu if you get distracted by FFVIIR for weeks on end and forget how to play.

 **Sora:** Noted. Also when did I even have this dream, did I take a nap at the end of 3D while Mickey was monologuing about how he'd abandoned Aqua or what.

~I mean he did have to dive in order to get to Traverse Town so probably.~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updates every Tuesday until it's done except in the case of an emergency/bad internet.


	2. This Is LITERALLY The Same As 0.2, Fuck's Sake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Legit sorry about the repeat on this one but a) this is literally what happens next and b) I needed more time to edit than I thought:** The former Super Best Friends Play channel, _Naruto, JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, Monty Python's Life of Brian, Farscape,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Square Enix.

~...This is just the exact same cutscene that was in 0.2. I'm, uh, I'm gonna go make some waffles, excuse me...~

 **Noiti Sopxe:** We need to gather together seven warriors of light to combat the thirteen warriors of darkness, but we gotta wake half of 'em up first. We have discussed this before, Sora.

 **Sora:** THEN WHY ARE WE GOING OVER IT AGAIN. Also are we seriously just gonna copy-paste from the Fragmentary Passage parody.

 **ShieldEcho:** Listen, pal, I've updated tiny bits of it given what we know now, but honestly? It is literally the exact same fucking scene.

 **Sora:** This is true, fair enough.

 **Noiti Sopxe:** Because your intelligence level is about equal to Naruto's, we have to slow everything to a crawl and go everything over five times with multiple flashbacks until even a two-year-old could understand.

 **Sora:** ...I don't think I've ever been more insulted in my life.

 **Noiti Sopxe:** Hey remember when forces beyond our control caused you to totally bomb your final exam last game?

 **Sora:** Vividly...

 **Noiti Sopxe:** Yeah, know how you were nearly possessed by the main bad guy and how you also generally suck at everything?

 **Sora:** ...There's this thing called _positive_ reinforcement, you know...

 **Noiti Sopxe:** Pfft, I know, right!? I only tease you because you being wrong is joyful for everyone!

 **Donald and Goofy:** Wow. Is this, like, the state of affairs today?

 **Sora:** Yep. Way to come up with a bullshit excuse for sending me back to level one with few to no abilities at the start of this game. This _literally_ happens all the time, I'm basically used to it by now.

 **Noiti Sopxe:** Tragedy, ain't it.

 **Donald:** Well there's no reason for _us_ to be powered down, at least—

 **Noiti Sopxe:** Well you've got _most_ of your skills but you're still back to level one for some reason.

 **Donald:** HEY _FUCK_ YOU, MAN!

 **Noiti Sopxe:** So we still have even _more_ lore to parse through, which Chip and Dale are analyzing right now and will come up after the first planet's been conquered. Unfortunately, you're still the main character, so we have to rely on you for literally everything else.

 **Sora:** No pressure, got it.

 **Noiti Sopxe:** What? No, _all_ of the pressure. You need to go out into the universe and go through a bunch of level up shit again so that you have another chance of earning that shiny diploma, only after which I will have faith in your ability to do what needs to be done. No electives this time, just learn to wake people up. You know, that thing you utterly fucked up last time?

 **Sora:** Yes, I _get it._

 **Noiti Sopxe:** I don't think you do. Which is why I'm sending you somewhere where there's a dude who lost all his power and then eventually regained it. You know the guy I'm talking about, right? Should I add that he's a _true hero_ to emphasize my point?

 **Sora:** …

 **Donald:** …

 **Goofy:** …

 **Noiti Sopxe:** …

 **Sora:** …

 **Donald:** …

 **Goofy:** …

 **Noiti Sopxe:** …

 **Leon:** Ellipsis.

 **Sora:** …

 **Donald:** …

 **Goofy:** …

 **Noiti Sopxe:** …

 **Sora:** ...We talkin' Hercules?

 **Noiti Sopxe:** *heavy sigh* Yes...

 **Sora:** Wait...Did that poorly-written bullshit during KHII actually have long-reaching effects on the plot!?

 **Noiti Sopxe:** So it would seem.

 **Sora:** I am now so pumped that I will do a bunch of JoJo poses for no reason! Seriously, I cannot _wait_ to be surrounded by NPCs so it'll feel like we're not the only fucking people on the entire fucking planet as per usual...

 **Donald:** And wouldn't you know it, we're his sidekicks again.

 **Goofy:** Yep. Who'da seen that comin'.

 **Noiti Sopxe:** Literally everyone.

 **Sora:** Oh boy. I can't wait. *forcibly hugs the other two*

 **Donald:** I'm gonna be more useful than ever!

 **Sora:** I can't believe I'm agreeing with you on that!

 **Goofy:** I had so much faith in your ability to pass that exam. And then you didn't...

 **Sora:** ...I think this is the first time in eight games that I have legitimately been angry with _you_ of all people. *stops hugging them immediately*

 **Donald:** Also you're short.

 **Goofy:** Taller'n me, though! A-hyuk!

 **Donald:** Who cares, this is...nowhere near the last game, why did I get so excited last time. *sticks his hand out*

 **Goofy:** SOLID NUMBERED TITLE WITH NO OTHER SUBTITLE, LET'S GO! *places his hand on top of Donald's*

 **Sora:** Oh just because everything about this game is fantastic except for the parts that aren't, you think this game's actually gonna be _fun_ or something. *puts his hand on top of theirs* ...Should I still have these straps crossing themselves on my hands or over my crotch, or should I also get a different outfit that does away with these so the Xehanort collective hive mind can't track me anymore?

 **Noiti Sopxe:** I don't care, now get out of my house.

~What a nice person, I do ever so hope we have to keep interacting with him and that he keeps putting us down every single time.~

 **Classic Gummi Ship, the Dickbutt:** *is now traveling in the vacuum of space*

 **Sora:** If the Mysterious Tower was part of Twilight Town, then Olympus Coliseum should be over to our left. Why isn't it there anymore, is it because we technically can't even visit the Mysterious Tower of our own volition anymore?

 **Donald:** I am visibly upset and impatient.

 **Goofy:** This is way more spacious than I thought it was...Also all the routes Sora took so much time and effort to unlock in KHII appear to be closed now, making all of that a massive waste of time. So...Iunno, follow your heart or something.

 **Donald:** What he said! Do the thing!

 **Sora:** Could really use Jack's compass right about now...

 **Donald:** GET SERIOUS!

 **Goofy:** Can't, this doesn't cross over with Warner Brothers properties, which is probably a good thing.

 **Donald:** OH FUCK OFF.

 **Goofy:** How shall I fuck off, O Lord?

 **Sora:** Would you two shut up, I'm trying to concentrate.

 **Goofy:** Just picture the planet and the four people who we know live there. Then we'll instantly know how to find them!

 **Sora:** Not sure that's how that works. If it was, KHI wouldn't have been nearly as long as it was. *gets up and walks around — NONE OF THEM ARE WEARING SEAT BELTS THIS IS A TERRIBLE CHILDREN'S GAME* Maybe if I strike another JoJo pose... *does the classic DIO pose* _WRYYYYYYYYYY!_

 **Donald:** And I expect that to have instantly worked.

 **Sora:** You would be incorrect. Also this is PS4 era shit, why am I still gesticulating this wildly in order to articulate a point.

 **Donald:** And now I have a sad. You can see it on my sad face.

 **Goofy:** May your heart be your guiding key.

 **Sora:** ...Gwah?

 **Goofy:** Saw it in a movie once. Also Noiti Sopxe used to say it right before we went on any important adventures, though now I think he just says it under his breath so I'm the only one who hears it because I'm a fucking dog. And I have to make that excuse because it probably wasn't even thought up until UX started to get made so now I'm just pulling shit outta my ass.

 **Donald:** Which is most likely why I've never heard that phrase in my life.

 **Sora:** There's got to be some reason why it only just came up now...Almost as if it'll be referenced a few times throughout the game for absolutely no relevant reason whatsoever... *shrugs* Maybe I should just summon my Keyblade, it always solves everything else. *goes to the front of the cockpit and summons Kingdom Key* WHY IS IT ALWAYS KINGDOM KEY, I'VE PUT SO MANY KEYCHAINS ON IT, WHY DO I KEEP LOSING THEM. *points it directly in front of him*

 **Kingdom Key:** *opens the window*

 **Donald:** DAMN IT, SORA!

 **Sora:** Oops. *restores it* Okay, there we go...

 **Wormhole:** *spontaneously appears*

 **Donald and Goofy:** ...Uh...Canaveral?

 **Sora:** *sits back down* ALL RIGHT! BEGINNING OF KHIII, HERE WE COME! *predictably bursts into song*  
_I am on my way_  
_I can go the distance_  
_I don't care how far_  
_Somehow I'll be strong_  
_I know every mile_  
_Will be worth my while_  
_I would go most anywhere to find where I belong_

**Donald and Goofy:**  
_Doo doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo doo—_

**Sora:**  
_Like a shooting star_  
_I can go the distance_  
_I will search the world_  
_I will face its harms_  
_I don't care how far_  
_I can go the distance_  
_'Till I find my hero's welcome_  
_Waiting in..._  
_Your arms_

**Dickbutt:** *goes through the wormhole which vanishes*

 **Kingdom Hearts II.9 title card:** *appears*

 **Players:** ...OH YOU _BASTARDS_ THAT'S FUCKING GREAT!

~Okay I _just_ found out the ending cover was sung by Michael Fucking Bolton, how did I not know this before.~


	3. Wait, What's The Timeline Of These Events

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Wakanda Forever:** _My Hero Academia, Harry Potter, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, Pokémon,_ the former Super Best Friends Play channel, _Gurren Lagann,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Square Enix.

~Yeah I'm probably not going to cover most of the Instagram posts on account of I don't care, hope that's cool with you.~

**Black screen:** *is thing*

**Inexplicable Narrator:** Why hello there! I will never show up again after this intro and will therefore seem wildly out of place! But yeah, remember how Hercules found out what it meant to be a true hero only _after_ the planets aligned and the titans escaped? Yeeeeaaaah, he apparently already figured out that shit a while ago in this version of events, or else Hades is trying out this plan again because fuck you. It's only now, or once again, that the planets have come into alignment, which might well mean that Hercules himself only very recently became legal. But who cares, just _look_ at how gorgeous and almost 2D the flames look in this level. Also the Fates. They were a thing. It's not as though predetermined events have much of a place in this franchise.

**Hades:** *is fiddling with a ball of blue flames while he waits for the Inexplicable Narrator to get on with it*

**Inexplicable Narrator:** These statues of Cloud and Auron are the closest things to final Fantasy cameos aside for the obligatory Moogles and few and far between shout-outs that you'll be seeing in this game until the DLC. Also where's Zack in this line up of Final Fantasy dudes Hades tried to control before, Terra wasn't the only one that had happened to in BBS. *sighs* Whatever, look at the planets line up and shoot down a wave of darkness down at the Earth. Only by using this method was Hades able to free the titans from the prison that Zeus had forced them into so many years ago...so how exactly had Aqua been able to fight the Ice Titan over a decade ago and how did Sora fight both the Rock _and_ Ice Titans as bonus bosses back in KHI if both of them were _inescapably_ trapped with the other two or three, hang on, this makes no fucking sense all of a sudden.

**Hades:** Could you get a move on, it's getting a little warm in here.

**Inexplicable Narrator:** Yes. Because you set everything on fire.

**Hades:** Semantics. Just get back to how great I am already.

**Inexplicable Narrator:** What's even left to say, you're set to try and take over Olympus possibly for the second time, that's kind of it.

**Hades:** Well then what to I even need you for? Fuck off, why don't ya.

**Inexplicable Narrator:** Is _this_ why I never show up again?

~Also apparently everyone has an Instagram account now.~

**Sora:** These graphics look so cartoonish now that we upscaled...Anyway, FRIENDSHIP IS THE GREATEST MAGIC OF ALL! Hashtagallforone hashtagoneforall.

~I do enjoy me some HeroAca.~

**Sora:** *near the bottom of Mount Olympus* ...Shit, are we even in the right place? I don't even recognize the background music. *makes a dumb trumpet noise that reminds me harshly that this is a baby game for babies*

**Donald:** That trumpet noise was stupid and pathetic and I hate you.

**Goofy:** *looking around* Assuming this is in fact the right planet...I'm not exactly sure that the Coliseum is even here anymore. Which would mean no tournaments, which would mean that this is automatically my favorite game in the franchise.

**Sora:** *also looking around* ...Well, while I would miss the familiarity, I _really_ wouldn't mind the change; that area was getting stale anyway.

**Donald:** _If_ we're on the right planet. And if we're not, I blame Sora. _He's_ the one who opened the wormhole.

**Sora:** You know what, I probably deserve that. But how 'bout we explore the planet a little before jumping to conclusions and/or leaving? *turns and starts heading up the mountain*

**Donald:** ...Shit, we're not actually gonna climb this entire thing, are we?

**Sora:** We've been sitting in the Dickbutt for Merlin knows how long, it'll be good to get some exercise.

**Goofy:** And also start the tutorial! A-hyuck!

**Sora:** Oh boy. I can't wait. *starts walking again*

**Goofy:** *follows him*

**Donald:** Just let the player take control already, they've waited long enough.

**Sora:** Then hurry up and let's get going already!

**Donald:** All right, all right!

**Sora:** WOOO FREEDOM OF MOVEMENT! *checks the menu* YO NEW GAME PLUS AND ALSO DLC PATCHES AND THINGS. * _immediately_ equips Oathkeeper, Oblivion, and Ultima because he is the most basic of bitches and because fuck you I like those Keyblades and also don't want to die* Ooooh, these new abilities'll be fun once I have enough AP...Oh, right, should actually play the game or whatever. Wonder if there's anything behind us... *tries*

**Donald:** We don't want to go _that_ way.

**Sora:** ...Did you just... _say_ something?

**Goofy:** Sora, we don't have time for side trips!

**Sora:** ...Holy fuck they added AI dialogue this game is gonna be amazing. Still, pity the game doesn't let me go downhill just yet; we could've met Herc way faster. *takes like two steps in the direction he's supposed to and is immediately bombarded with a fuckton of Heartless*

**Game tutorial screen:** Hey by the way magic exists.

**Sora:** I am aware and am now in love with the Water spell why did we never have water magic before now. * summons Oathkeeper BECAUSE HE CAN NOW THIS IS THE BEST GAME and sets about murdering everything*

**Donald:** *actually came in with the Cure assist before I even realized I'd needed him on Standard*

**Sora:** THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED!

**Donald:** *also dies in all of five fucking seconds on Critical*

**Sora:** *sighs* The more things change... *kills all the Heartless* Ooooh, Potion. *looks up* ...Huh. Wonder if this was the same statue of Zeus that Herc used to communicate with, and then the temple just went to shit.

**Game tutorial screen:** By the way you can run up walls now.

**Sora:** Is this a Flowmotion thing? Because using Flowmotion to run up walls would have made the Notre Dame section in 3D SO MUCH EASIER THIS IS THE BEST IMPLEMENTATION SLASH UPDATE THEY COULD HAVE GONE WITH. *runs up a couple of walls and cliffs* Having played the PS4 Spider-Man, this...is still pretty fun, not gonna lie. Also can we just take a minute to appreciate this fire animation, shit's fucking gorgeous.

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *run up to a flat part of the cliff overlooking a city* Oh, a cutscene, this should be good.

**Goofy:** Honestly, though? I think we're lost.

**Sora:** *crosses arms* You're just saying that because despite this clearly being Olympus — I mean we _just_ passed a statue of Zeus — this area is entirely new to us. Almost as if the entire layout of the planet was changed because the engine could finally support film-like locations.

**Donald:** I still blame you.

**Sora:** Of course you do. Fuck it, I'm just gonna start shouting, maybe I can annoy the plot into happening. YO HERC, GET YOUR CHISELED ASS OVER HERE, I NEED MY POWERS BACK.

**Olympus title card:** We're gonna be far more gorgeously animated this time around, get hyped.

**Ball of evil black smoke:** *descends from the sky and lands behind them*

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** Huh boy, here we go.

**Hades:** *emerges from said smoke* Jesus Christ, I summoned the titans to destroy Thebes, what the fuck else do I have to do!? *spots the trio* Oh. _You._

**Sora:** Hey, James Woods. I seem to have given you residuals. Shit.

**Hades:** Don't think that's how voice acting for video games work, even for celebrities. This still signifies that you don't mind if a work has problematic people working on it, though.

**Sora:** Yeah...yeah...

**Hades:** Also fuck you, I love this role.

**Goofy:** Why're we talkin' to him, anyway? I thought it was Herc we wanted.

**Hades:** *actual line* What is everyone's infatuation with that dolt!? *fire turns from blue to red, we've established that that means he's getting colder, I don't feel like going over it again, and then he goes back to blue* Meh, whatever, Wonder Boy'll be dead soon enough anyway.

**Sora:** Why, did you trick him into giving up his strength so he couldn't go against you or the titans?

**Hades:** I mean I may have done that once already and he got his strength back anyway so why bother, you know? I _did_ set Thebes on fire, though. That's probably enough, right?

**Sora:** *draws Oathkeeper* So you're up to no good again!

**Goofy:** *raises shield* And I bet he solemnly swears it!

**Donald:** I understood that reference! *raises staff*

**Hades:** Whoa, easy — what is this, Sparta? I don't have time to waste on you morons, as enjoyable as I find your company. Now if you'll excuse me, there's a whole cosmos up there waiting for me! With hey, my name on it. *walks away*

**Sora:** Stop, don't, come back. *puts away Oathkeeper instead of attacking Hades because I guess good guys can never throw the first hit or some such bullshit* Aw, how cute, he thinks he's a threat, how embarrassing...

**Hades:** You can say that, but check _this_ shit out. Oh _titans!_ I may well be bringing you all out a _second_ time it's not a hundred percent clear!

**Earthquake:** *happens*

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *tremble before the might of the Underworld battle theme from KHII* Hey wait I just realized we don't visit the Underworld this time around either, that's a fucking relief, honestly.

**Rock Titan:** *casts massive shadow*

**Ice Titan:** *blasts an icy wind at them*

**Lava Titan:** *causes lava to cascade down Mount Olympus*

**Hades:** Boy is it a good thing this chilly weather is having zero effect on my hair!

**Wind Titan:** *blows such a strong wind that Sora, Donald, and Goofy are blown right off the mountain*

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** Looks like we're blasting off AGAAAAAAIIIIIIIiiiiiinnnn....Twinkle.

**Hades:** Yay they're dead. That was a quick game. Unless said game has no fall damage...and I sent them right where they can help Jerkules out if they _do_ survive...Meh, what's the worst that could happen. *looks up at the Titans* All right, ready to act out Attack on Olympus? *waves happily up at them*

**Dark Corridor:** *materializes behind him*

**Hades:** For fuck's sake, who is it _this_ time.

**Maleficent and Pete:** *step out of the Dark Corridor*

**Pete:** Yes, we're still in this game, being even more useless than we were in KHII, and boy is that sayin' something!

**Hades:** Heh, this is vaguely reminiscent of the circle of villains discussions in KHI. I miss those. Wait, who am I kidding, those would be terrible for this game. Davy Jones, sure, Randall, sure, I'd even accept Mother Gothel, but who the fuck'd want to sit next to _Hans,_ seriously. Also I neither need nor want your help, I've got the big boys on my side so you two take your Heartless somewhere else, okay? Okay. And now I must sing. _Happy traaaaaaiiiiiils!_

**Maleficent:** As ecstatic as you must be for having got over your sore throat from back during Coded, we're not actually here to throw Heartless at people. They're just going to kind of show up anyway. No, we are hear to set up the future game(s) in the background and little else. To wit: have you seen a black box anywhere? I believe it to hold a copy of the Book of Prophecies maybe.

**Hades:** ...Well there's Pandora's box, which is evidently buried in the garden near Thebes, which is currently on fire. Can't really think of anything else at the moment. Good luck I guess?

**Maleficent:** Oh I'm sure we'll be fine.

~-Okay so Hades heard the eighteen-year prophecy thing when Hercules was weeks old at best, and Herc was about fifteen when he met Phil....but we met his fifteen-ish self eleven years ago during BBS. Yes time can pass differently on different planets, I've played Dark Road, but nitpicking and being a pedantic asshole is more fun.~

**Thebes:** *seems pretty okay and intact, all things considered*

**Hercules:** Did I just solve the problem offscreen? *hears screaming from the distance and turns to see Sora, Donald, and Goofy hurtling toward the city* Crap, I can only save two...You can't save everyone, but if you can reach them...! *grabs Sora and Goofy out of the air, landing safely*

**Sora:** 'Bout time!

**Goofy:** Yeah, guess this counts as finding him!

**Donald:** THIS IS RATHER UNDIGNIFIED! *is struggling frantically from where his clothes are snagged on a statue's mouth*

**Hercules:** Stop squirming, pal, you're embarrassing yourself.

**Donald:** I WILL NEVER STOP EMBARRASSING MYSELF!

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** We are all safe on the ground now.

**Hercules:** I will now announce your names in the standard order for no discernible reason other than it having been such a big thing in the last numbered title and frankly it's been a while since all of you were teamed up like this, I psychically know somehow! _And_ you somehow survived literally falling from a mountain! Even with no fall damage, that's a huge feat!

**Donald:** And it's all thanks to our huge feet!

**Goofy:** Don't worry, we'll kill him later.

**Sora:** In the meantime, thanks for being the one to catch us so we didn't have to waste any more time seeking you out. Also, despite all present evidence to the contrary, the city appears to be fucked. What gives?

**Hercules:** Okay, don't look at _that_ relatively okay part of the city, look over _there._ At the _on fire_ part.

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** Ohhhh...

**Hercules:** Also Hades.

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** Ah.

**Sora:** That figures. Who do you think threw us down here.

**Donald:** He sure does get around, doesn't he.

**Goofy:** He said something along the lines of taking over the universe as we know it? Eh, probably not important.

**Hercules:** I'm sure you're right. Still, would probably be a good idea to stop him.

**Sora:** I _guess_...HOLY FUCK YOU'RE JUST ADDED TO THE PARTY AND I NEVER HAVE TO SWITCH OUT WITH ANYONE THIS IS THE BEST GAME EVER OR THE WORST DEPENDING ON HOW MUCH YOU HATE CERTAIN CHARACTERS.

**Donald:** Yeah, wouldn't mind switching _you_ out on occasion...

**Sora:** SHUT UP AND GIVE ME THAT GLORIOUS SAVE POINT.

**Goofy:** You know there's an autosave feature now as well, right?

**Sora:** Yeah but manual saving makes me feel better. Oh look, a Final Fantasy reference! *buys another Potion off the Moogle because paranoia* Wonder if I can leave the city to level up any... *tries to leave* Huh? Wait...Where am I going? *that's a no* Okay so I have a bunch of logistical questions about the way they're incorporating the movie properly into this game despite this planet being featured loads of times before.

**Hercules:** How 'bout it's a Disney movie and don't worry about it or you'll make the live-action remake even worse.

**Sora:** There never _isn't_ a live-action Hercules.

**Hercules:** Yeah but how many have the Disney logo?

**Sora:** Probably all of them soon enough...

**Hercules:** Just get to the point.

**Sora:** Okay so you're already a true hero, right? Have your own constellation and everything?

**Hercules:** Yeah?

**Sora:** Then how are the titans back out again. Hell, how did any of them make it out before, didn't your father seal them up so that none of them could escape until the planets aligned just so? Did Maleficent help him sneak a few out every couple of games or something? Was that how Hades himself was back in full swing in the first place? Or did you become a true hero in an entirely different way during this version of events and this is all actually happening for the first time.

**Hercules:** Those are all very good and interesting questions. Here's my answer: I don't care.

**Sora:** Valid! Also I _am_ a bit sad that we're just going with the titans as enemies this time instead of Hades possessing another random Final Fantasy character but it _would_ have been awkward to shoehorn in and also probably would've ended up being Lightning anyway so I can't say I'm too choked up about it. Plus finally involving the movie plot gives a good finality to things, assuming of course this _is_ the last time this planet will be featured outside of the phone game(s).

**Hercules:** *is barely listening* Yup, uh-huh, totally. *walking up to statue of himself* So any particular reason you guys dropped by or did you just hit up the closest planet as usual?

**Sora:** Oh yeah, the impetus for the entire fucking plot!

**Goofy:** Merlin you're a dumbass.

**Donald:** What did you expect, nothing has changed.

**Sora:** Both of you fuck off. *to Hercules* Okay, so an aspect of 3D that no one saw coming was that basically its entire point was centered around kicking me back to level one for the start of this game.

**Hercules:** Well that sucks, but I don't quite see how I can help. I mean, you still got potential, right?

**Sora:** Potential? That's useless. That's not a stat. Besides, the reason I came here is that you _also_ lost your powers for no adequately explored reason back in KHII. How did _you_ instantly get your strength back without spending tens of hours leveling up and regaining abilities?

**Hercules:** A female character that I cared about was in trouble and I went in to save her. It didn't matter that I didn't have any powers; my body moved before I had a chance to think. Also this planet's rules work differently; even if they didn't, what worked for me might not necessarily work for you.

**Sora:** ...Well balls. There goes the entire point of visiting you. And now I'm forcibly reminded of how the epilogue to _Deathly Hallows_ and the beginning of _Cursed Child_ centered on Albus not wanting to be sorted into Slytherin and the way to do that was talk to the Hat, and then he was put into Slytherin anyway without any shown conversation with the Hat whatsoever.

**Hercules:** This is nothing like that. Sure it might have a similar sense of being let down after all that build-up, but at least we fucking _talked._

**Sora:** You make a good point there...Hey, you still selling those thirty-minute workout scrolls? I know I won't get my strength back that way either, necessarily, but I still look like a twig compared to Riku and I wouldn't mind a little more muscle.

**Donald:** Can we wrap this up? A bunch of Flame Core Heartless just meteored their way into the city, knocked over Herc's statue, and are setting the city even _more_ on fire.

**Hercules:** Yeah we should probably see to that.

**Sora:** I'm not too worried about it. *two seconds later as his ass gets lit on fire and he's unable to attack for an annoyingly long time* I'm worried about it. Heh, they created an animation for me getting my ass lit on fire, that's kind of cute. *starts killing Flame Cores* Ooooh, more Flowmotion attacks I'll probably never use. *finishes killing the surrounding Heartless*

**Meg:** I'm back in this game too! *flies in on Pegasus with Phil and dismounts* ...So the city looks like shit.

**Hercules:** Tell me about it. Who needs a Cyclops titan when you can send in the Heartless even if you don't necessarily want them there in the first place. Speaking of Heartless, look who's visiting.

**Meg:** Hey! Obligatory “Sora, Donald, and Goofy” namedrops!

**Hercules:** Yep. So, uh, mind going somewhere where you _won't_ get flattened by a giant pillar?

**Meg:** _Gods_ you're needy.

**Hercules:** I know.

**Meg:** ...Fine, but only if I get to hold my hands against my cleavage in the traditional Worried Female Pose™.

**Hercules:** But of course. *to the other two* Mind helping me save people?

**Sora:** Like our saving-people-things would let us do anything else!

**Donald:** Speak for yourself, I'm only in it for the glory!

**Goofy:** Why do I hang out with any of you.

**Meg:** Okay, you guys go have fun, I'm out.

**Hercules:** *to Phil* Dame Angela Lansbury did KHII no problem but _Danny DeVito_ won't ever lower himself to appearing in a video game...Has it really gotten so bad that they won't give you any lines whatsoever?

**Phil:** Actually the game took so long to come out that my Japanese voice actor fucking _died,_ and they're quite a bit more respectful of voice actors in Japan unless a show's rebooted (everyone in _HunterXHunter_ ) or all of the money is being made (Bulma in _Dragon Ball Super_ ). It's also why you won't be seeing Eeyore in this game.

**Hercules:** Yeah but Danny DeVito jokes are more fun/less depressing.

**Sora:** You know, maybe it's better that Phil's barely involved, 'cause rewatching the movie with some HashtagMeToo perspective makes all the blatant sexual harassment that's meant to be played for laughs...kiiinda hard to watch. Though it does make sense that freaking _Zeus_ would still recommend Phil as a teacher despite probably knowing the deal...

**Phil:** Hey, Aphrodite was into it!

**Sora:** THAT DOESN'T MEAN _EVERYONE_ WILL BE!

**Phil:** Oh yeah? What do you call what Meg did, then? Herc was _clearly_ uncomfortable in that scene where she was trying to seduce him!

**Sora:** Yeah! And she _stopped_ once she realized that!

**Goofy:** Also Nessus, Nessus was not great...

**Donald:** Voiced by Jim Cummings.

**Goofy:** OH EVEN BETTER. Also remember James Woods?

**Sora:** And yet we still bought this game, didn't we.

**Donald:** Speaking of problematic content, we're still gonna go see the rest of the _Fantastic Beasts_ films, aren't we.

**Goofy:** If there even are any...

**Sora:** At this point I just need to see how that train wreck will end. Is what I'll keep telling myself rather than admit I have a problem.

**Phil:** You know what, fuck _all_ of you, I'm out. *climbs on Pegasus behind Meg*

**Hercules:** *pets Pegasus* All right, get outta here.

**Pegasus:** *pisses off with Meg and Phil*

**Small child:** OKAY NOW THAT THE MOMENT'S PASSED WOULD YOU MIND SAVING EVERYONE FROM THE STEADILY BURNING CITY!?

**Goofy:** Anyone else hear a child screaming?

**Hercules:** It might be your dog ears being able to pick stuff up that we can't.

**Goofy:** I'd like to think it's my fatherly instinct, but sure.

**Hercules:** ...Wait, _he's_ a parent?

**Donald:** We know, terrifying, isn't it.

**Goofy:** Hey, look up at that building over there.

**Hercules:** *zooms in on a small child trapped on a wall of a tall building*

**Small child:** SOMEBODY CALL IX-I-I!

**Hercules:** Fuck, we gotta do something fast.

**Sora:** No problem, we'll just run over there and—

**Hercules:** I've got a better idea.

**Sora:** ...She's really not that far away.

**Hercules:** Yes she is. Now get on the back of my statue, I'm gonna throw you three at her.

**Donald:** *complies* ...Wait, would it be faster and easier to just throw us individually at the child?

**Goofy:** *is also already on the statue* It'd be safer that way, too; what if Herc misses his aim and this statue crushes the very person we're trying to save?

**Sora:** *clambering on* Not to mention the further damage this thing could do to the city; what if people were inside a building this thing's about to smash into?

**Hercules:** THERE'S NO TIME! *lifts statue*

**Sora:** Herc, I”m having _serious_ reservations about this—

**Hercules:** Ignoring you! *throws statue*

**Sora:** WHY DO I KEEP FORGETTING _GLIIIIIDE!_ Oh, everything's fine and we saved the small child offscreen, great.

**Small child:** Thank you for saving me offscreen without squashing me! *bows in a distinctly Japanese fashion*

**Sora:** It's the least we could do for the first NPC I've seen since KHII in Twilight Town. *after the small child runs off* HEY WE SHOULD CHECK IF ANYONE NEEDS SAVING.

**Donald:** Watch that be the only one, these planets are never all that populated.

**Goofy:** Now now, there's always a chance. We're on seventh gen consoles now, after all.

**Maleficent:** Indeed we are.

**Sora:** *sees her and Pete exit a Dark Corridor* ...Pete, you look like fucking shit in this engine. *draws Keyblade* Also call off the Heartless, I'm sick of dealing with them.

**Maleficent:** Please, our only role in this game is to set up future titles. Nothing you do is of any concern to us, which is why we're going out of our way to talk to you.

**Pete:** ...Okay so you know how the last time we were involved in the plot, we were in the Digital World and that version of Sora was fourteen again? Somehow this present-day version looks even lamer than that one. I think it might be the hair, I don't think it translated well to the new engine.

**Sora:** L-Look who's talking!

**Pete:** Can we just kill him already, Boss?

**Maleficent:** Why waste the energy, we got other, far more important shit to take care of.

**Pete:** And that's my cue to let it slip that we're looking for that mysterious black box from Back Cover so that these guys can also be on the lookout for a loose plot thread that will absolutely not be tied up in this installment!

**Maleficent:** Not for the first time I'm stuck wondering why I tolerate your presence.

**Pete:** You are not the only one who wonders about that.

**Maleficent:** As for you three, this meeting was merely to remind you that we exist and will sometimes show up in other worlds, but more to help set up future games. Maybe one day we'll be able to have a sick dragon fight again...though I somehow doubt it. *turns to leave*

**Pete:** And maybe be over level fucking _two_ when that happens? I know you're too pathetic to do a level one run, after all. *goes back through the Dark Corridor with Maleficent*

**Sora:** Stop, don't, come back! *actually does start to run after them but the Dark Corridor dematerializes before he can catch up*

**Donald:** ...You okay, pal?

**Sora:** ...Yeah, it was just trash talk, I can take it.

**Goofy:** No you can't. You're gonna be struggling with your self-confidence for the entire game, and most of it will be absolutely needlessly.

**Sora:** This shot will somehow end up on Donald's Instagram account, which begs the question of who took this picture. That is my main concern right now; just let me distract myself.

**Donald:** I refuse. You're gonna get up to level 99 again.

**Goofy:** You'll be grossly overleveled before you know it!

**Sora:** To which the “gaming community” will insist that I'm playing the game “wrong”...

**Goofy:** Oh you know they're full of shit. As long as you're not hurting anyone either physically or emotionally, there is never one correct way to enjoy something, and those who insist that there is aren't really enjoying themselves either.

**Donald:** What he said.

**Sora:** I am ignoring you now for the sake of saving and keeping going. *saves and keeps going*

~I've been overleveling in JRPGs for years and have only recently found out that some consider it a bad thing. Now, I've been a gatekeeper in the past myself, and let me tell you: it is indeed possible to just grow the fuck up and get over yourself. You can do it. Believe in the me that believes in you.~


	4. Okay But Imagine If Herc HAD Died Here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **The plot of UX is really getting interesting and I HATE that it's trapped on mobile:** _Blackadder, JoJo's Bizarre Adventures, My Hero Academia,_ the former Super Best Friends Play channel, and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Square Enix.

~As much as I still love Sora's KHII look, this was the point where I started to get sick of it and just wanted the new outfit already.~

**Sora:** *goes down one fucking staircase and the building in front of them explodes with more Heartless* Fuck. *kills them all and stares at the fiery inferno before them* I don't know if my Water magic will make any headway, this is a new spell and I don't know the limitations yet.

**Donald:** It will not, can confirm.

**Goofy:** ...I'm gonna try something, bear with me. *holds up his shield to the flames, which are magically deflected* ...Oh, I've got a cunning plan.

**Sora:** The kind that'll turn into one of the most annoying mini-games in the entire game?

**Goofy:** The very same!

**Sora:** LET'S DO THIS!

**Everyone:** *slides across the flames on Goofy's shield before continuing over the rooftops, across a giant statue and some more rooftops,grabbing a chest or two on the way, and falling to the ground to save some more NPCs*

**Man:** There's...there's others still trapped in the city!

**Sora:** I'm aware. Thanks for the Potion!

**Woman:** I have absolutely nothing to say!

**Sora:** Neat! *runs off and slides across some more flames with Donald and Goofy, stopping for chests and things along the way*

**Another building:** *collapses*

**Donald:** THE BUILDING!

**Goofy:** Gawrsh, I hope they've got insurance.

**Sora:** If there's anyone else stuck out there, we better find them fast. Like _this_ old guy I just found cowering in this alcove. *saves him from Heartless*

**Blond man:** Thanks, kid. *gives a Hi-Potion*

**Sora:** Thank _you!_ Hmm, wonder what's with all these random bits of food I keep picking up and pocketing for no reason...holy shit is there a cooking mini-game? Is Ignis gonna show up!? _Is this why the original director of XV wanted to put Little Chef in the game!?_ *heads into the garden area* Kinda wish this had been that park thing where Herc and Meg's date thing had happened. In any case, I bet this'd be a real nice pretty walking area if everything wasn't on fire. If EXP Walker was a thing in this game, I could see me gaining a couple of levels here.

**Donald:** Too bad it's not.

**Sora:** ...Well shit.

**Woman balanced on top of a pillar to escape the surrounding Heartless:** Hercules! Where are yoouu!? Also when and how did these monster attacks start happening, I've never been to the Coliseum because no one ever goes so this is new for me. 

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *just notice her* ...There's a Pillar Man joke to be made here but honestly it's been a while since we watched Battle Tendency.

**Sora:** Anyway, we should probably save her.

**Goofy:** That is probably a thing we should do, yes. *runs down the stairs with the other two*

**Pillar Woman:** Okay, I've done my Damsel in Distress Shriek of Help™, now to sit back and wait—

**Sora:** Hey we're gonna help you now.

**Goofy:** Don't fall down and die. We'll be really mad if you fall down and die.

**Pillar Woman:** I don't care that other people wanna help, I want _Hercules_ to help me! Which might be because he's the only one around here who even bothers to help anyone and is thus the only one I have faith in.

**Donald:** What the shit!? Just because you might live in a world where superheroes are real, it doesn't mean you should be disappointed when you're saved by police or firefighters instead! Also now I know why Endeavor went nuts.

**Sora:** Endeavor went nuts because he somehow missed the part about a hero needing to put saving lives over fame and fortune why do I sound like Stain and why am I cool with that. *kills everything*

**Pillar Woman:** *peaks out from behind the pillar* How the _fuck_ did I get back down. Hell, how'd I get up _there_ in the first place, I guess adrenaline could've been a contributing factor. Also thanks I guess, but you're still not the hero I'd been hoping for.

**Sora:** You mean Hercules, don't you.

**Pillar Woman:** Honey you mean _Hunk_ -ules. Ooo-hoo, I'd like to make some _sweet_ music with him—

**Sora:** He's already got a girlfriend and I don't think he's polyamorous, sorry.

**Pillar Woman:** Oh we all know it's a matter of time before he murders her and their children in a violent fit of demigod rage.

**Sora:** That _is_ true...

**Pillar Woman:** Welp, I'm gonna go rub one out to a celebrity I have no chance with. Laters! *waves and leaves*

**Sora:** ...So could she also tell that I was weak or is Herc her only point of reference?

**Donald:** I mean you're a lithe anime boy and Herc's bulging more than Captain America. On sight alone, Herc just _looks_ stronger.

**Sora:** I guess that's fair.

**Goofy:** We need to get better to see how much we suck. We're all back at level one, but we'll all get stronger together, because FRIENDSHIP IS THE GREATEST MAGIC OF ALL!

**Sora:** Was waiting for someone to shout that.

**Donald:** I am assured that it will in no way get massively annoying in the times to come.

**Sora:** Quiet, you. *continues on, pointedly going down a different path than the one he was presented with and finding a statue of Achilles* ...Why can I target his foot. *destroys Achilles's heel to break the wall*

**Donald:** Tell me you meant to do that.

**Sora:** I _absolutely_ did, this is the kind of fanservice I love.

**Goofy:** Cool, grab that treasure and let's go.

**Sora:** M'kay. *grabs the Magic Ring which he equips on Donald and runs down more stairs, sliding down a hill and running up and across a wall to avoid a fiery pit and also some Heartless*

**Donald and Goofy:** *have the potential to fall into the fiery pit and slowly burn to death depending on where Sora is during that fight*

**Sora:** Tee hee! *stops having fun so he can save a couple of what look like mothers with their kids*

**Mother with boy:** You're my heroes. *gives Potion*

**Mother with girl:** Thank you! *gives Ether*

**Sora:** I love it when people just give me things; hopefully this'll be a running thing on every planet!

**Donald and Goofy:** It sure won't be!

**Sora:** _D'oh!_

**Goofy:** *lets everyone ride his shield over even more fire* ...That imprint on that broken fracture of wall there...

**Donald:** Yeah, why does it look like the King?

**Sora:** I'm sure it's not important. *has Goofy take them down a detour to grab an Ether out of a chest and then into the next area where they kill some Heartless and then a cutscene has them run into a burning building where they see three people that could oh so easily get up and run away on their own power, with Hercules struggling to keep the ceiling from caving in* Need a hand?

**Hercules:** WHAT DO _YOU_ THINK.

**Father, mother, and their sex trophy I mean child:** *could well be frozen in fear so I can't judge them _too_ harshly but come on*

**Sora:** *runs forward*

**Ceiling:** *collapses some more*

**Hercules:** Huh boy.

**Donald:** Aaaand our previous way out just got blocked up.

**Sora:** And now the Heartless have shown up. This is just fantastic.

**Hercules:** You take out the Heartless, I'll work on making another opening so we can all get out.

**Sora:** *summons Keyblade* You got this?

**Hercules:** I got this!

**Sora:** OKEY DOKEY, LET'S GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD! *proceeds to kill as many Heartless as he can before time runs out*

**Hercules:** I will either encourage you or sound panicked depending on how well the game thinks you're doing!

**Sora:** I respond best to positive reinforcement, actually—

**Hercules:** Then maybe don't fuck up!

**Sora:** Great... *doesn't fuck up* DOUBLE FORM CHANGE IS FUCKING GREAT I LOVE DUAL WIELDING THIS WAS THE BEST DECISION I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL I CAN ACCESS ALL THE VARIOUS OUTFIT CHANGES.

**Hercules:** Spectacular, now get these people out of here already!

**Sora:** ...Wait, was that other opening _actually_ open this whole time and all we had to do was leave before the Heartless showed up? Because that is some _fucking_ bullshit. *to civilians* You. Family. Up. Go. Now. *makes sure they leave and looks back at Hercules*

**Hercules:** *legitimately looks like he's about to be crushed to death under all that weight*

**Sora:** ...I _could_ attempt to help...but I'll probably do more harm than good and only wind up a hindrance...plus I want to fucking live, so...Fuck it. *leaves Hercules behind and runs out after the family, Donald, and Goofy, who get a fair bit away before the building they were just in collapses, billowing dust and debris everywhere*

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *staring at the rubble* ...Oh he's dead.

**Family:** * _completely_ fucks off*

**Sora:** *looking down* Sacrificing his life for the benefit of others...While sad and while I'll always regret not doing more, it's also kind of inspiring in a way, and will be a moment I'll remember for the rest of my—Oh.

**Hercules:** *steps out of the dust cloud, perfectly alive and unharmed*

**Donald and Goofy:** YAY YOU SURVIVED!

**Sora:** He sure did...

**Hercules:** *walks up to them and smiles*

**Sora:** ...Not gonna lie, kind of anticlimactic. I legit thought you were dead. Not that I'm disappointed that you're alive, far from it...I just thought it would have had more of an impact had you stayed dead. Which is something I have a feeling that I'll have to repeat for some reason...

**Hercules:** That's a fair reading of things I suppose, but I think we all knew I was gonna survive anyway. It's only the first fucking planet and we haven't nearly finished the movie yet.

**Xigbar:** *steps out of a Dark Corridor, clapping slowly* Oh wow. I am so impressed. Go you.

**Donald:** Didn't we kill him?

**Goofy:** I wish to be done with the Organization already.

**Sora:** You back to Braig yet or are you sticking with Xigbar?

**Xigbar:** The latter, for now anyway. And all this altruism is giving me the warm fuzzies.

**Hercules:** It's not exactly altruism; I would not be able to live with myself if I didn't do something to help. Me saving people is a way for me to not feel bad, which is kind of like a moral dessert after all.

**Xigbar:** Whatever. So how's you're life insurance? I hope it's good.

**Sora:** Actually, I don't think any of us have any.

**Goofy:** I do. Gotta leave Max with something should the worst happen.

**Donald:** Same with me concerning Daisy and my sister's boys, even though I know Uncle Scrooge'll take care of the kids at least.

**Hercules:** I'm a bit lost, what's insurance in this context.

**Xigbar:** You pay a company over time so that when you die, depending on how, your loved ones get a fat stack of cash so they won't have to worry financially for a while; it usually pays for the funeral at least.

**Hercules:** Huh. I should look into that. I mean I'm fairly confident in my strength, but I want Meg to be looked after...

**Xigbar:** See, this is what I'm talking about. To a point, heroism is always stupid, 'cause it would always be so much easier and more pragmatic to be a horrible coward.

**Hercules:** Like I said before, I would not be able to live with myself if I didn't use my strength to save people in trouble, and if that means risking my life than so be it because that to me is better than the alternative of letting other people die knowing that I could have done something.

**Xigbar:** Are you even risking that much, though? Your family's made up of literal gods and you have the best trainer on this planet in your corner every step of the way. Not everyone is as privileged as you.

**Sora:** Yes, having a certain amount of privilege can help, but just because you have an amazing power doesn't always mean you'll use it to help people. Herc could totally choose to use his power to wreck shit and _easily_ murder people for funzies, but he never would because he's not that kind of person, and there is in fact something very admirable about that.

**Xigbar:** I don't admire one guy leaping into danger if it means someone else might have to jump in to save _them._ You're all just lining up to fucking die. Dooming others to fucking die with you. Oh, and spare me the usual crap about friendship being the greatest magic of all. Sure, friendship and teamwork can empower you to succeed no problem, but in the end you've just got more to lose.

**Sora:** ...Who did you lose?

**Xigbar:** Besides maybe my Master and probably several thousand people over the generations? Frankly, that's not even the point. *points at Sora* Anyway, none of what I just said applies to you, I just felt like ranting. Accept the power you're given, Sora. Find the hearts joined to yours.

**Sora:** Don't tell me to do what I'm already fucking doing, that's like one of my biggest pet peeves.

**Xigbar:** *turns his back* As if! I'm just letting the audience know that, once again, you're playing directly into our hands simply by doing your job. Also, hate to break it to you, but I've read the Book of Prophecies. I actually _ensured_ that that shit got written. Which means that I most likely know what's going to happen to you, Sora, and if this whole conversation is any indication, you might not mind the outcome as much as you think. *walks away until he eventually teleports away*

**Sora:** Huh. Wonder what he meant by that.

**Hercules:** Ignore him, he's just trying to freak you out. Don't give him the satisfaction, and have fun proving him wrong. We'll show him that our sacrifices haven't been for nothing.

**Sora:** *smiles* You're right.

**Goofy:** Mm-hmm! Besides, we're already proof enough!

**Donald:** BECAUSE FRIENDSHIP IS THE GREATEST MAGIC OF ALL!

**Sora:** And you thought that line would get annoying!

**Donald, Goofy, and Hercules:** *walk on ahead*

**Sora:** *hangs back and looks back at where Xigbar was standing* I should probably give that conversation a little more thought than none at all, but...enh. Oh hey, Herc's back in the party, cool. *meanders down the next hallway because that's what it is before breaking his way back into the city proper and encountering a Rock Troll Heartless smashing up Thebes*

**Game tutorial screen:** Attractions are now things! You will mostly use the Tea Cup ride and little else!

**Sora:** *checks a few places online* Oh good, I'm not the only one who didn't realize you could rotate the Pirate Ship attraction, I feel validated now. Still my least favorite one, though. Actually I kinda hate most of them. *finishes off the Rock Troll*

**Pegasus:** *flies back in with Meg and Phil*

**Meg:** I psychically know you saved everyone that could be saved.

**Hercules:** Well if they were buried by buildings and they weren't me then they're probably fucking dead and _can't_ be saved.

**Meg:** I wonder if this dialogue would've been the same if you somehow missed a couple civilians 'cause you got lost or something — ah, who'm I kidding, this game is linear as shit.

**Sora:** I deliberately missed someone on my third playthrough and the dialogue is in fact the same.

**Meg:** Huh, how 'bout that. *looks up* ...Uh oh. Mount Olympus appears to be exploding.

**Sora:** ...I mean, it's darker cloud cover, but—

**Hercules:** Damn it, Hades!

**Donald:** Gasp.

**Goofy:** Welp, time to fight him again, I guess.

**Sora:** Sure looks like it. What do you say, Herc?

**Hercules:** I say I'd probably be able to get up there way faster just by flying up on Pegasus, but I'll let you guys tag along by slowly making our way up the mountain for some fucking reason I guess.

**Pegasus, Meg, and Phil:** *piss the fuck off again*

**Sora, Donald, Goofy, and Hercules:** *save and grab a few items before heading for the mountain*

~WHEN ARE WE GONNA GET TO THE FIREWORKS FACTORY.~


	5. Reason Number 2983443 Why I Hate Gimmick Boss Fights

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  ***deep, heavy sigh*:** The former Super Best Friends Play channel, _Firefly, Attack on Titan, Deadpool, My Hero Academia, Deadpool,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Square Enix.

~Donald's Instagram is just him complaining about how he and Goofy are also back to level one for some reason, which does in fact make no sense so I can't say I blame him.~

**Goofy:** We need to get to the top of the mountain and stop Hades!

**Sora:** Yes I am aware, Goofy. *runs alongside a river*

**Hercules:** That's odd. The river's never this full.

**Sora:** Is there a water titan as well?

**Hercules:** Not that I'm aware.

**A bunch of Water Core Heartless:** *eventually pop out of the river*

**Hercules:** Guess now we know why the river's flooded. *helps to destroy them even as more pop up all along the river*

**Water level:** *decreases substantially revealing a chest*

**Donald:** We did it!

**Goofy:** We beat nature!

**Sora:** Kablams! *empties it and keeps going up*

**Soldier Heartless:** *surround them*

**Hercules:** Hey, c'mere, I wanna try something.

**Sora:** What's up, what'd you have in miIIAAAAAH!

**Hercules:** *grabs him and starts swinging him around, bashing him into Heartless and destroying them before throwing Sora into the air*

**Sora:** *slams into the ground and destroys the rest of them* I feel like that shouldn't've been as fun as it was.

**Mount Olympus:** *has no distinctive difference between progression and side paths which made it very difficult to _not_ run into plot progression on my first run of the game where I'm trying to explore every nook and cranny possible*

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *manage to wander around until they hit the same area they landed in initially*

**A bunch of Earth Core Heartless:** *emerge from the ground and kick up enough sand and dirt that the area somehow closes itself off*

**Donald:** Oh no! We're trapped!

**Goofy:** Yeah, it's some kinda sandstorm!

**Sora:** Nah, it's just a new Heartless. *focuses on beating a tower form of one of the Earth Cores, which I thought it was a different Heartless altogether but apparently not, before destroying the rest* Hey, Herc.

**Hercules:** Yeah, Sora?

**Sora:** *points upward* Is that the same statue of Zeus you used to communicate with and the temple just went to shit?

**Hercules:** Nah, that temple was on the top of a mountain so unless other mountains sprouted up around it this is just another Zeus statue, they exist probably.

**Sora:** It _is_ a cool set piece. *meander back to where they were before, destroying a bunch of Water Cores so he can climb the wall behind a waterfall*

**Goofy:** Looks like we can climb that rock face now that the water's gone.

**Sora:** *is already halfway up* YA _THINK!?_ Huh, another image of Mickey, wonder what that's about. *climbs and climbs and climbs, murdering on his way and clearing a cave of Shadow Heartless before heading up a level and breaking down a pillar, causing it to topple a couple of other pillars and destroy the ground they were standing on*

**Hercules:** ...Okay but why.

**Sora:** I see a target pop up on the HUD, I go and hit it, what do you want from me.

**Goofy:** How' bout we check out what's down there?

**Sora:** Because we've already been down there? There were a bunch of Shadows and a few chests, we were _just_ there, are you okay, Goofy?

**Goofy:** Y-Yeah, I'm fine...

**Sora:** If you say so... *looks to his left* Okay, that's where we met Hades, and is an alternate route of sorts, so let's go the other way. *goes the other way*

**Earthquake:** *happens*

**Donald:** Oh dear.

**Goofy:** Are we back where we were before, this patch of mountain looks familiar.

**Sora:** It's not the area of the mountain that's familiar, we've long-since passed that. I think we're sensing an attack from the Rock Titan.

**Hercules:** Oh great. *clenches fist* I have to go now. My family needs me. *whistles for Pegasus, who lands in front of him; who knows or cares where Meg and Phil are at this point I guess* Sora, I'm gonna go fly ahead even though evidently continuing to climb would have been faster considering you're going to beat me there.

**Sora:** Hold up, go back to the bit about your family?

**Hercules:** *gets on Pegasus* Oh come off it, you've been spouting basic Greek mythology at me for years, you know Zeus is my dad. *flies off*

**Sora:** ...Xigbar was right, Hercules _does_ have a massive biological advantage over other people.

**Goofy:** I wouldn't get too hung up over it.

**Donald:** Yeah, like you said, just be grateful that he's one of the good guys.

**Goofy:** Plus we really don't have to worry about him as much now.

**Donald:** Also true.

**Sora:** I don't think so. Xigbar's here being annoying, which means that the Organization's fucking around again, and that group is _our_ specialty. Which is why they keep coming back, we're just that good at our jobs.

**Goofy:** Good point, we gotta go!

**Donald:** 'Cause beating this planet is the only way to finally start KHIII!

**Sora:** *has flashback of Hercules talking earlier* His body moved before he had a chance to think...Mine does that often enough, too, that's for damn sure. Maybe I can just count on my instincts to carry us through. C'mon, guys!

**Donald and Goofy:** We were waiting on _you._

**Sora:** Hey how 'bout you fuck off. *leads the way to another cliff*

**Another earthquake:** *happens*

**The Rock Titan's silhouette:** *is clearly visible*

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** ...Well this isn't good.

**Rock Titan:** *throws down a boulder which breaks and blocks off their exit*

**Sora:** Well that figures... *runs up the wall, dodging falling boulders*

**Boulder:** *smashes into the side of the mountain and creates another Flowmotion area, that was nice of it*

**Sky:** *gets steadily darker the higher you go, even after beating all of the titans which makes so sense but sure fine whatever*

**Rock Titan:** *stamps its foot and sends a bunch of boulders down at once*

**Sora:** *artfully leaps above them all and lands on the next platform*

**Donald and Goofy:** *are somehow right next to him even though they had no clear path up*

**This:** *will become so much of a trend that I will barely notice or comment on it most of the time except when I do but it _is_ a weird*

**Sora:** *runs through a cave and kills one more group of Heartless before moving on*

**Rock Titan:** *peeks around the corner, sees Sora running below, and throws another boulder*

**Sora:** *watches the mountain collapse near his feet and cut off his only path of escape again* Welp, guess Donald and Goofy are dead. *sees them right next to him* ...Or not.*climbs the cliff while dodging falling boulders which is actually pretty fun; reaches the top and immediately starts wailing on the Rock Titan's legs until it collapses and just creates Flowmotion points on its body so that Sora can run up and attack the heads*

**Mountain Coaster attraction prompt:** *appears*

**Sora:** *immediately activates it and gets to ride around in the coaster that was in all the trailers and do a _bunch_ of damage to the Rock Titan to the point of defeat if you don't fuck it up* WHY CAN YOU ONLY DO THIS TWICE IN THE WHOLE GAME THIS ONE IS _EASILY_ THE BEST ONE.

**Rock Titan:** *falls off the cliff*

**Sora:** How many left again?

**Goofy:** Three, they didn't include the Cyclops.

**Sora:** Oh. Well that makes things easier.

**Donald:** Sure hope we only have to fight them individually.

**Sora:** If you just jinxed us, I am ripping out all your feathers. *runs through one last cave and has to knock down a wall of boulders in order to reach the top of Olympus* MY RETINAS! *sees the golden gates and a save point* ...Time to do all but the Rock Titan again, several times even!

**Donald and Goofy:** What, no, why!?

**Sora:** Because most of this will be written from the perspective of someone who's not very good at video games yet still decided to play this on Critical?

**Donald and Goofy:** That is a good point, let's do this.

**Sora:** *gets up to level fifteen before going to the next area because fuck Critical mode; the Leaf Bracer at level fourteen was such a relief and I don't even have Cure yet*

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** * _finally_ ascend a golden staircase*

**Golden double doors:** *open majestically onto a space made nearly entirely of gold and clouds and golden clouds*

**Sora:** ...So is the Coliseum around _here,_ where is that thing.

**Goofy:** Do you _really_ want the tournament back, there are other ways to level up.

**Donald:** HOLY SHIT ORIGINAL OLYMPIC BATTLE MUSIC.

**Sora:** I did not miss that at all! *summons Keyblade just in time for a fuckton of Minotaur Heartless appear*

**Minotaurs:** *all charge at once*

**Sora:** WHY CAN'T YOU GET AERIAL RECOVERY UNTIL TOY BOX UNLESS YOU'RE PLAYING ON CRITICAL. *takes far too long to kill them* I feel like that would've been easier had I not just been terrible in general.

**Game tutorial screen:** Oh and also Shotlocks are a thing.

**Sora:** THAT WOULD'VE BEEN NICE TO KNOW A FULL BATTLE AGO.

**Goofy:** Thought you used Ultima's to get rid of all of them in one go on your second playthrough.

**Sora:** Thought you were gonna shut your fucking face.

**Donald:** Hercules must be at the top.

**Sora:** Uh-huh. *dicks around collecting chests and smashing up pots and things because he can before finally starting to move upward, slaughtering everything in his path and taking any route that looks like a detour, which eventually makes him fall down into the secluded forge* Huh. Shiny.

**Donald:** What do you think they make here?

**Goofy:** Stuff ya make with a forge, I suppose.

**Sora:** And another insignia of the company that will soon own everyone's souls if they don't already, what is _with_ that...

**Goofy:** Look, there's a dial in the floor!

**Donald:** Are we supposed to turn it?

**Sora:** *had already activated the Tea Cup attraction to have Donald and Goofy help him move the cauldrons around in order to make a Knight's Shield+ for Goofy*

**Goofy:** Gawrsh, thanks, Sora! A-hyuck!

**Sora:** No prob, now let me slide up and out of here on this magical beam of light and presumably leave you behind—Oh, you're somehow here regardless. _How._

**Donald:** Would you quit asking, you know it'll never be explained.

**Sora:** But it's fun!

**Donald:** It's really not.

**Sora:** *rolls his eyes and presses on, moving ever upward until they reach a bunch of broken rubble floating in the air in circles, surrounded by a purple light* Hey, there's a shiny! Here's our ticket up.

**Game tutorial screen:** You might want to get extremely good at airstepping _fast._ For reasons.

**Sora:** Well that's not ominous at all...

**Donald:** How are we supposed to get up there?

**Goofy:** We'll have to climb up. But what'll we use for footholds?

**Sora:** ...Did...Did you not see the—?

**Goofy:** Maybe you could use the rubble like stepping stones.

**Donald:** Yeah! That shouldn't be a problem for Sora!

**Sora:** Okay but how're the two of _you_ gonna get up there—

**Goofy:** Just chalk it up to friendship being the greatest magic of all or some bullshit.

**Sora:** And I will never question anything again! *airsteps up two levels before falling back down one to land on the breakable box thing to get the Elixir because Sora be like that, and then finally makes his way to the very top*

**Wind, Lava, and Ice Titans:** *are kind of just chilling behind another set of golden gates, surrounding a large mound of dirt that probably houses Zeus*

**Sora:** Huh buy. *saves* Wonder why the sky didn't turn dark and stormy on Olympus itself like it did on the mountain, everything's still golden and perfect. *slowly walks toward the gates so the cutscene can start*

**Hercules and Pegasus:** *fly up through Olympus and slash at the few Heartless that Sora missed*

**Zeus:** *getting sealed up in the cocoon of ice and lava* THIS PRESUMABLY ALREADY HAPPENED, WHY DID I FALL FOR THE EXACT SAME FORM OF ENTRAPMENT.

**Hades:** I mean, last time there were _way_ more gods on standby; now there's only like, what, four total? _Way_ easier.

**Zeus:** *glares at his brother* I swear to you, Hades, when I get out of this—

**Hades:** *summons an evil-looking throne and sits on it* I'm the one giving orders now, Very Obviously Not Rip Torn. And I think I'm gonna like it here. *conjures a martini and slurps up the worn*

**Hercules:** Don't get too comfortable, Hades! Also didn't we go through all this, did you really think the same thing would work twice, especially since you failed the first time?

**Hades:** Again, less gods up here, thought it would be easier.

**Sora:** We're here too! And we got here _first_ somehow!

**Hades:** Fucking _what!?_

**Hercules:** *looks down from astride Pegasus* How did those three beat me here, I got a head start and also have the power of flight. _And_ they fought a titan, what the fuck was I _doing!?_ *swings Pegasus around and slices off the chains binding Hermes, Athena, and possibly Ares, who will do nothing to help in the fight and in fact never appear again even on the character selection thing in the journal later on*

**Sora:** I'll be real, though it'd be nice to see some PoC rep in these games, I'm sort of glad we never ran into the Muses, because I would have a bone to pick with them over insisting that everything they were singing was the “gospel truth” before immediately force-feeding everyone a massive pack of lies that was the entire movie.

**Hades:** ANGRY NOISES! Attack on, Titans!

**Titans:** That was pathetic.

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *looking up at the three titans* ...We are so short...

**Hercules:** Obligatory group name! *jumps down and does a superhero landing next to them* Ready to give these guys a grim reminder?

**Sora:** I suppose this would be a bad time to mention that I've long since stopped reading the manga because I don't really like where the story's going, but sure! *runs to the top of Zeus's cocoon thing and has to pick between attacking the embodiment of fire and the embodiment of ice* There's a Todoroki joke here but I feel like we've made enough HeroAca references in the past couple chapters. *focuses on the Ice Titan first before switching to the Lava Titan* Okay if _I_ can jump onto the top of Zeus's prison thing, then Herc _definitely_ can, so why doesn't he do so and free Zeus so we wouldn't have to do most of this boss fight. *eventually whittles down their health bars* ...Okay, that Carousel attraction wasn't _too_ terrible...Oh shit. One titan left.

**Wind Titan:** *looms above him*

**Sora, Donald, Goofy, and Hercules:** *pop up onto a surface of clouds that the Wind Titan seems to have oh-so-graciously provided for them; see now _this_ was the type of weather I was looking for on Olympus as a whole*

**Wind Titan:** *is decent enough to fight when the other three characters are there to help and Donald can heal Sora in a pinch, but when the Titan does the thing where it shoots Sora up into the air and has him airstep around that things become a problem; I sucked at airstepping in a hurry, especially during my first playthrough where I wasn't used to things yet, to the point where I died twice on my first run on fucking standard and nearly had a panic attack at the thought that I wouldn't be able to beat the fucking tutorial level, which further cemented my hatred of gimmick boss fights*

**Sora:** *while in the middle of all this bullshit* ...Wait how am I physically hitting a _tornado,_ how is this fight even possible. Also I love that Rage form is an actually useful Anti-Me form that I can _choose_ whether or not I want to use it and also it looks cool, though it does probably take away from the symbolism that relying too much on a specific power can have adverse consequences...

**Wind Titan:** *is _eventually_ defeated, and by that I mean its health bar is eventually depleted*

**Sora, Donald, Goofy, and Hercules:** *stare at all three titans they'd presumably just beat to shit* AND THEY'RE ALL PERFECTLY FINE, EVEN AFTER ALL THAT BULLSHIT.

**Rock Titan:** I'M HERE TOO!

**Goofy:** For fuck's sake.

**Sora:** Ignore how terribly I did against that tornado; we can _totally_ take 'em again! With no healing items and forced sections where Donald's surprisingly-helpful-for-once healing isn't available to me!

**Hercules:** Nah, fuck that. If they're gonna cheat, _we're_ gonna cheat. *jumps onto the Todoroki Tower and finally frees Zeus*

**Hades:** WHY DIDN'T I JOIN THE FIGHT EITHER.

**Zeus:** About fucking time, my boy.

**Sora:** Well that's the worst sound-alike I've heard since Nala. Slash half the cast of Hunchback. Slash when Tate Donovan didn't want to do the dumb video games at first so they went with Sean Astin for some reason. But at least now we get another person to fight for us while we take a fucking break so that's something I guess.

**Zeus:** *suddenly has lightning bolts despite Hephaestus not being anywhere on Olympus that I've seen* Now watch your old man work!

**Ice and Rock Titans:** Uh-oh.

**Zeus:** *hurls his thunderbolts*

**Titans:** *turn and start to run away*

**Hercules:** *grabs the Wind Titan, uses it to scoop up the other three, and hurls the concoction into the surprisingly starry sky where they all explode* Admittedly they were back a bunch of times before but I bet _this_ time they're gone for good. Hopefully. I honestly don't think there's anything left for those three to do on this planet besides do a dumb side quest for an item and gather random ingredients.

**Zeus and Hercules:** *high five*

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *also high-five*

**Sora:** How did that fight feel way more climactic than the actual Titan battle in the movie.

**Hercules:** Because that wasn't the actual climax in the movie, me saving Meg was.

**Sora:** Fair enough.

**Hades:** More angry noises! I can't believe it! I put eighteen years into that plan and you've blippin' ruined it! I _really_ don't like you. *glares at Sora*

**Sora:** You're still eighteen?

**Hercules:** It's not a hundred percent clear.

**Sora:** Also. C'mon. Disney movie. Heroes win, villains lose. Learn the formula already.

**Goofy:** You _have_ a job already. One that is probably easier than ruling over the entire universe. Go back to that and fucking _relax._

**Donald:** Also get used to modern media comparing your dominion to the biblical version of Hell, 'cause that's not going away any time soon.

**Hades:** Or I could, you know, _not_ do that. I am so sick of my job, and taking over is the only way out of it apparently, so that's what I am going to fucking do! I will never give up on that, so I think this time by getting rid of any unforeseeable variables. And by that I mean the three of you. *red fire hair*

**Hercules:** Oh, that's embarrassing, he thinks he's a threat.

**Hades:** *turns to face him in fury*

**Hercules:** *motions to the gates behind him* May I escort you out, esteemed uncle?

**Hades:** *glares at him, looks back at the other three who are still holding weapons, and reluctantly lets his hair fade back to blue as he slowly trudges toward the gate*

**Hercules:** ...Hang on, I got a better idea. *punches Hades back down the stairs* Remember, kids, physical assault against the unarmed can always be excused by the good guys if it's in the name of revenge.

**Hades:** Motherfucker, you _will_ die one day, whether by my hand or not. *starts to disappear into smoke* And that goes for your little Nut-Meg as well. I wouldn't be surprised if you developed some rage issues that ended up—

**Zeus:** *chunks a bolt of lightning into the smoke portal just before it fades completely*

**Gates:** *open back up*

**Sora, Donald, Goofy, and Hercules:** *start to run down the stairs*

**Hercules:** *turns back to stare mournfully at what could have been his home*

**Sora:** So you're really gonna leave the place you were born behind and spend it in the outside world instead?

**Goofy:** Which is in no way what we've been doing for well over a year now?

**Donald:** I mean, we can all go back once this shit's over. You...can't.

**Hercules:** While it's true that only gods can _live_ on Mount Olympus, that doesn't mean I can't _visit_ whenever I want. And besides, a real family isn't necessarily made up of the people you're related to; it's who you choose to be a part of your life. Which _can_ include blood relatives, but it doesn't _have_ to. I choose Meg. Who is conveniently at the bottom of the stairs now, huh, how'd she get here.

**Meg:** I don't know, but I still look unnecessarily worried and breathless.

**Hercules:** Heh, women, amirite? *runs down to her*

**Meg:** 'Sup, nerd. *lets him rush into her arms*

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *calmly walk down the stairs, each wondering whether or not Meg's always on top, 'cause Herc would snap her like a twig otherwise*

**Hercules:** Oh yeah, the reason you guys came here. Did my advice help at all, or...?

**Sora:** I am convinced that I should figure it out for myself despite Noiti Sopxe specifically sending me here to get answers. But honestly, your advice of just trusting my instincts and doing what comes naturally might ultimately prove to be the exact thing I needed, even if no one will acknowledge it until the game's almost over.

**Hercules:** ...You're welcome?

**Sora:** There's a million things I haven't done, but just you wait, just you wait—

**Donald:** Stop stop stop.

**Everyone:** *bursts out laughing for some reason*

**Olympus title card:** Well that was fun, wasn't it.

**Hero's Origin:** You're barely gonna bother using me!

~Kinda weird how we won't get to fight another Disney villain again until Davey Fucking Jones...~

**Pete:** *digging frantically in the garden area of Thebes, having to unearth the stone path covering it in order to do so* Are you sure the Book of Prophecies is the thing the black box contains, 'cause I keep hearing it's the Master of Master's body or heart or who the _fuck_ even knows anymore. Also why did Xigbar even tell you about it...wait, was it Xigbar or that weird personification of darkness or whatever from Union X, which “dingbat in black” are we talkin' about here?

**Maleficent:** Don't know, don't care, keep digging. I must find that Book of Prophecies and make it my own. His was the only clue we had. We cannot afford to dismiss it without a thorough investigation.

**Pete:** Yeah but what are the odds that we actually find it in the first place we look—oh.

**Maleficent:** Nani nani?

**Pete:** ...I think I legit just found the actual Pandora's Box. *holds it out to her*

**Maleficent:** ...It's purple. Therefore it isn't what we're looking for.

**Pete:** But if it really is Pandora's Box and Luxord says it contains “hope”—

**Maleficent:** No means no. Next planet, let's go.

**Pete:** Bugger. *chucks it behind him back into the hole where shockingly no one picks it back up, unless of course Xigbar does after the fade to black*

**Xigbar:** *staring at where they just were* As if they'd really know the true context of the black box when as it turns out the person who knew about its true nature the whole time was actually—

**Mysterious cut to black:** *happens unexpectedly for no reason whatsoever*

~Yeah, Re:Mind is gonna be its own separate parody at this point.~


	6. ...I Don't Like Riku's New Hairc

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **YO HOW 'BOUT THAT FFXVI TRAILER; GOOD THING NOTHING ELSE IS HAPPENING IN THE WORLD SO WE CAN ONLY FOCUS ON HAPPINESS AT ALL TIMES:** _Firefly,_ Dragon Ball Z Abridged, the former Super Best Friends Play channel, _Hamilton,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Square Enix.

~Hey look, a character beloved by so many people across the globe. And also Mickey Mouse.~

**Dark World title card:** Hey remember 0.2? That sure was a thing, wasn't it.

**Riku and Mickey:** *are walking along in their new plaid outfits with Riku looking like Noctis with brighter clothes and a less lithe body – it could be the hair or the jacket but it looks like he's bulked up a little since KHII despite the coma he was in that one time – also Mickey has fucking ears on his hood, I don't know whether to find that adorable or annoying, which is my usual response to Mickey so I guess it works*

**Riku:** *stops*

**Mickey:** *takes a few seconds to notice* You gotta tell me when you want to take a break, pal; you _know_ how easy it is to get lost down here. _That's why we're here._

**Riku:** Hey remember the last time we were both here you had to enter via an imploding planet and I was cast here by Xehanort's Heartless? And now we can evidently just come and go whenever instead of waiting for some cataclysmic event to happen? Kinda cheapens things, doesn't it?

**Mickey:** Riku, there's so much going on right now that adding any aspect of logic to it is just gonna hurt your brain. Now I know that's the main point of these parodies and it can be fun and humorous, but sometimes you just have to allow yourself to feel for the characters. This, right here, right now, needs to be about saving Aqua, and in the space of only ten or so games of which you really only played a role in half of them, you're finally strong enough to be able to do that. Until it turns out that you can't and have to call in someone who's not even a master to do your job for you.

**Riku:** Right? I know I'm a Master now, but I know Sora's better than me at this. Still, at least even the games themselves have finally put my character angst about my own ties to the darkness to bed, considering that was resolved back in fucking KHII but 3D didn't get the memo for some reason. Though that might be making me a bit overconfident, but the fact that I'm confident at all is a huge step up for me. I know Aqua needs us, and I'm ready. I'm in control now. Maybe it's because I've got my own Disney partner this time; I know you were _kinda_ there in R/R, and I had my Dream Eater buddies for a while, but this time you're physically here and I can talk to you if I do falter.

**Mickey:** I appreciate the sentiment, but honestly, I think you could probably do this on your own if you had to. Which you can't, but ignore that. Also basically you learned how to love.

**Riku:** Wait what?

**Mickey:** You know, putting other people first, putting their well-beings before your own, when someone's in trouble all you can thing about is saving them which blocks out everything else, that kind of crap.

**Riku:** *looks at his hand and smiles* _Damn_ my hair looks good, I've finally accepted this look, I hope nothing happens that'll drastically change it now that I've just gotten used to it. Also I'm flashing back to the time when Terra made me touch his Keyblade and asked me not to tell anyone about it when I was five.

**Mickey:** You know that joke's in incredibly poor taste, right?

**Riku:** Yep, but since nothing actually happened that makes it funny and I refuse to stop.

**Mickey:** Well you're a dick.

**Riku:** SURE AM! Also do you know where we are, was this in 0.2, I never played that one 'cause I didn't want to re-buy 3D.

**Mickey:** No idea, it's been at least a year.

**Riku:** Well they definitely made it better-looking than when I was here...fuck, the first game came out _seventeen years prior,_ that's just nutty.

**Mickey:** So I was just gonna rely on instinct or whatever, since the plan was to just sense where Aqua's heart was, but I can barely feel her now and I think we're gonna have to come up with a Plan B.

**Riku:** Shit, that's not good.

**Mickey:** No it is not, but I _refuse_ to give up on everyone's favorite female Kingdom Hearts character.

**Riku:** Is she though?

**Mickey:** I mean I _think_ she is?

**Riku:** Eh, good enough for me. *follows Mickey to that one beach* Oh hey it's that one beach.

**Mickey:** ...Welp, can't sense Aqua anymore. I know she was here, though. Hell, we might've just missed her.

**Riku:** This was where the end of KHII took place.

**Mickey:** Oh yeah?

**Riku:** Yeah, Kairi had sent Sora a message in a bottle at the beginning of said game, and it finally found its way to him down here. That somehow opened up a portal back into the realm of light. Hell, maybe Aqua managed to follow _our_ trail back out, and she's actually in the real of light herself now!

**Mickey:** *shakes head sadly* I was going to suggest that _we_ go back and try littering, but the problem is that I don't think she's in any position to receive messages at this point. *looks out at the water* And my swimming is poor.

**Riku:** Well I grew up on an island, so—

**Shadows:** *appear out of the sand*

**Mickey:** Hold that thought!

**Both Keyblade Masters:** *summon their Keyblades*

**Mickey:** Okay I know they're just shadows, but I've seen what they can do down here and it ain't pretty.

**Riku:** Gotcha.

**Shadows:** *coalesce into a Demon Tower*

**Mickey and Riku:** *kind of just stare at it*

**Player:** ...HOLY FUCK I'M PLAYING AS RIKU THIS IS THE BEST GAME.

**Riku:** Huh, I already know Curaga and Aerial Recovery, go me. *depletes the Demon Tower's health Bar*

**Demon Tower:** *explodes into Shadows that regroup on the beach*

**Mickey:** Yeah by the way, _this_ is the thing that Aqua saved you from. It just fucking refused to die, and it might not be dead here either.

**Riku:** You're just saying that because another/the same one just materialized behind us. *gets swept up in it*

**Mickey:** Ah fuck. *stands there with Kingdom Key D and does nothing*

**Riku:** *is surrounded by darkness within the Demon Tower* I appear to be drowning.

**Repliku's voice:** And yet Sora, Donald, and Goofy will be able to talk and breathe underwater just fine within a few planets, unless this is special darkness water or some shit.

**Riku:** ...You just a disembodied voice now?

**Repliku's voice:** Seems like. So how ya been?

**Riku:** Pretty good. Became a Keyblade master, looking for an old acquaintance so she can help us fight for the fate of the universe, that kind of thing.

**Repliku's voice:** Shiny. Need a hand?

**Riku:** I wouldn't say no.

**Repliku's voice:** Okay, gimme a sec, you simulate drowning for a little while longer.

**Riku:** Dick... *appears to have drowned in the water/darkness*

**Mickey's voice:** Do I not have the Power of Waking™ either, how am I a master.

**Riku:** *opens his eyes* Gwah...?

**Mickey:** Oh thank Merlin.

**Riku:** *sits up, revealing a sudden change in hairstyle for no adequately explored reason other than Nomura being salty that he was kicked off FFXV and he misses Noct, which, fair enough* What happened to the Heartless?

**Mickey:** What happened to your _hair?_

**Riku:** It kinda just got...windswept. And will permanently stay like that for some reason.

**Mickey:** Huh. Not sure if I like it, I think that style works better in black, or at least a darker grey than yours.

**Riku:** Probably. So the Heartless?

**Mickey:** Oh, I killed a bunch trying to get you out, and eventually they threw you back up before spontaneously pissing off.

**Riku:** *stands up, clutching his head* Yeah, thanks for that.

**Mickey:** Yeah that shit earlier was _definitely_ overconfidence, on both our ends; this is going to be harder than we thought, even with the power of teamwork on our side.

**Riku:** No injuries on your end?

**Mickey:** Still don't really see how this particular type of clothing counts as protective gear but here we are. Erm...You might want to look down.

**Riku:** ...Yikes. *looks down at Way to the Dawn which has been snapped clean in two* I did not know that could happen.

**Mickey:** Me neither. And since I technically have two Keyblades, I _could_ lend you Star Seeker, but I won't. Also I completely spaced on the part where you can upgrade Keyblades now. It's a new mechanic unique to this game, you can't blame me for not knowing. Anyway, I say we go back to Master Noiti Sopxe's, Aqua can wait.

**Riku:** Can she, though? Eleven years in isolation is a long-ass time, and we don't even know if she has a Keyblade anymore now that I know they can break. She could be in the same situation we're in, but her entire deal is that _she cannot leave on a whim._ *looks out at the water* Also how are _we_ able to leave on a whim, especially with busted Keyblades.

**Mickey:** Don't worry about it. And don't worry about Aqua either, she's a lot like Sora.

**Riku:** *narrows eyes* In what regard.

**Mickey:** Stubborn never-give-up attitude.

**Riku:** Oh, okay. I am now worried less. And I appeared to be forgetting the time that Sora couldn't wake from his coma and I had to save him, me being suddenly convinced that he could have made it out on his own.

**Mickey:** Exactly. Besides, we won't be long. Time is only longer on _our_ end, not _her_ end.

**Riku:** Whatever you say. *walks forward and jams the remains of Way to the Dawn into the sand* I'm not even gonna bother trying to repair it; I want a new one to go with the new look. Besides, Repliku might need a broken, busted Keyblade that probably can't do much because I'm just that generous.

**Mickey:** ...Not Aqua?

**Riku:** Apparently not.

**Broken Way to the Dawn:** *exists*

~I have an actual keychain of Way To The Dawn, I'm gonna miss that Keyblade. And also Riku's old KHII look, he was way more aesthetically pleasing back then, in my horrible opinion.~

**Mysterious Tower title card:** ...Huh, guess we're here now.

**Sky:** *is fucking gorgeous*

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *are standing before Noiti Sopxe's desk*

**Noiti Sopxe:** I see...So that was a complete waste of time outside of being a tutorial level.

**Sora:** I don't know about that. I do think trusting my instincts and allowing my body to do whatever it's gonna do is actually gonna end up playing a massive role in getting everyone back together.

**Noiti Sopxe:** Nope, unless you can do it on command, you're completely fucking worthless to everyone.

**Sora:** ...Should change your name to Detni Oppasid...

**Goofy:** I am using the word “trigger” in a proper fucking context!

**Sora:** Yeah, you know what might trigger the Power of Waking™? _Being in the exact situation where it would be needed._

**Donald:** Noiti Sopxe won't except that. You need to prove that you can do it now, not only when it's needed.

**Sora:** I could _literally_ solve everything immediately if he'd just let me go after Aqua right now. It doesn't matter if I'm underleveled, especially since Riku will pretty much be stuck at the level he's at for the rest of the game. I'll just be missing items, abilities, and Keyblades — not even since I'm playing on New Game+ — but I technically have everything we need right now! Aside for bodies for Roxas and Xion but that's kind of it...

**Noiti Sopxe:** Nope, Donald's right, I won't allow it. I have no confidence in your natural abilities or instincts whatsoever because you failed my night course that one time.

**Sora:** That night course that was transparently sabotaged from the beginning?

**Noiti Sopxe:** And yet Riku was able to pass regardless, while you were not.

**Sora:** ...Apparently I have a real habit for turning off old men.

**Noiti Sopxe:** It's not all negative comments from me. Weird shit does tend to happen around you, that much I will admit.

**Sora:** Yeah. Said weird shit is often out of my control. _Like my version of the Power of Waking™ will prove to be._

**Donald and Goofy:** We find Noiti Sopxe's lack of faith hilarious.

**Sora:** You two fuck off. Also someone's at the door.

**Mickey:** HI, EVERYBODY! *walks in with Riku, who shuts the door behind them*

**Sora:** Nice new duds, bro.

**Mickey:** Aw gee, thanks!

**Sora:** I wasn't talking to you— *is knocked over by Donald and Goofy in their haste to get to Mickey*

**Donald and Goofy:** WE ARE WAY MORE ECSTATIC TO SEE OUR KING THAN SORA IS TO SEE HIS BOYFRIEND FOR SOME REASON.

**Mickey:** That _is_ weird. Anyway, how was the beginning of the game?

**Sora:** *gets up, shakes his head, and rushes up to try and get a word in* Well, we—

**Donald:** *literally shoves him aside with Goofy's help* We played out the end of the Hercules movie that, timeline-wise, already should have been over and done with two years ago minimum!

**Goofy:** Herc gave Sora some pretty sound advice that we're just gonna fucking ignore until we run out of Disney shit to do!

**Donald:** Yep, we're just gonna call it a huge waste of time, it's more annoying that way.

**Mickey:** That sucks. We kind of wasted our time as well.

**Riku:** I wouldn't call it a time waste, I'd say it was more of a fuck up.

**Goofy:** No Aqua, then?

**Donald:** Any leads whatsoever?

**Riku and Mickey:** *are sadly silent*

**Donald and Goofy:** Balls.

**Sora:** *sits up again* In the interest of lightening the mood, can I complain about how I don't really like Riku's haircut? I mean, when did you even have time to get one?

**Riku:** Um, I was attacked by a fuckton of Shadows banding together to form something called a Demon Tower, and when I woke up I looked like this.

**Sora:** ...That sounds like not a good excuse.

**Riku:** It really isn't. I'm not sure I like it much either, but I'm going with us not having the time to spare for me to fix it, which will somehow still be my excuse a year from now.

**Sora:** Well the important thing is that your butt is in good shape.

**Riku:** True enough. Also remember that beach we were at in the Dark World? We think Aqua showed up there after we left, and it'll be the first place we check again after we restock.

**Sora:** You think she might go back there?

**Mickey:** Who knows. She might've moved on, or gone to a place somehow even darker and more evil. It is not a hundred percent clear.

**Donald:** Is she even still alive at this point?

**Riku:** Yeah she's still alive, that much we know. She might be in a darkness coma like Sora was, but the problem with that is that we need to actually find her before I can dive into her dreams. Or we find someone who knew her better than I did; after all, we only met her the once and it works better if it's someone you know and care about.

**Mickey:** *shakes head sadly* I'm not sure who's even left to ask. Ventus is in his own different kind of coma, and we need Aqua to find him in the first place. And who the fuck even knows where Terra is. Maybe _this_ could be the Final Fantasy tie-in, maybe if we managed to track down Zack...

**Sora:** ...Were _you_ friends with her? Do _you_ not possess the Power of Waking™? If not, why are you even a master, 'cause that's the only reason I didn't get the gig.

**Mickey:** I was and I do, but fuck it. And we're not considering any other option either. For reasons.

**Riku:** So the only way to start the final battle to everyone's satisfaction is to get Aqua so she can get Venus and tell us where she last saw Terra.

**Noiti Sopxe:** Yeah, that pretty much sums it up. Also Master Ecivresnaf, but he's definitely dead.

**Sora:** ...Then why even bring him up...

**Everyone:** *stands/sits in silence for a while*

**Sora:** *puts his hand to his chest and literally does what Noti Sopxe wants him to do by allowing his heart to be his guiding key* Either my or Ven's heart is telling me that I'm gonna be the one to save her.

**Everyone else:** THAT'S NOT TRUE! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!

**Sora:** Search your feelings, you know it to be true.

**Donald:** Yeah but no.

**Goofy:** We've been over this. Unless you can produce results on demand, no one will have any faith that you'll be able to do it when the time is right.

**Sora:** Look. I can and will do this. We're just making everyone, or at least Aqua and Ven, suffer longer by making them wait until _you_ assholes finally allow me to help.

**Mickey:** It's not our fault that none of us believe in you.

**Riku:** I mean, it _is,_ but you're not exactly making things easier for us.

**Noiti Sopxe:** Sora, do you want to interact with Disney bullshit or not.

**Sora:** Of course I do, but—

**Noiti Sopxe:** Mickey and Riku. Master Aqua planet-hopped a bunch as well. Maybe check some of those places out, if you even can; it'd probably be best if you just stuck with Radiant Garden, frankly.

**Mickey:** Okay, but only because none of the other planets have been modeled into this game. But before that, could we get some new Keyblades? Mine's busted and Riku's is broken. Don't ask us how we got back here.

**Riku:** ...Wait, you can just _get_ new Keyblades that aren't just keychains now!? Since when!? Is that how I got that one for Kairi?

**Noiti Sopxe:** Maybe, who knows. But apparently Kairi herself, and also Lea, have something to do with it. Go bother them about it, and drop off their outfits for this game while you're there.

**Mickey and Riku:** Uh, okay... *bow*

**Noiti Sopxe:** Here, take these cases and get out of my sight. *waves his hand and two suitcases appear on his desk*

**Mickey:** Are these also made of oddly comfortable plaid super armor?

**Noiti Sopxe:** Ish.

**Mickey:** M'kay. *grabs Kairi's while Riku grabs Lea's*

**Sora:** ...Okay, this is gonna sound petulant and childish, but I've got a bunch of crisscrossing straps on this outfit, and we've established that Xehanort can track people via Xs on their clothing. I kinda thing I might need a wardrobe upgrade myself, for my own protection. _Especially_ want to get rid of the X over the crotch region; I need something to cover up my dick shit. Do you have any cloth?

**Donald:** Also maybe a new haircut might be in order for him, too, I don't like his current style in this engine, something's just off about it.

**Noiti Sopxe:** Both can be arranged. The three Sleeping Beauty fairies aren't going to appear onscreen this time, but they are the ones that made _your_ new outfit, Sora. And maybe everyone else's, it's implied but it's never stated.

**Donald:** Do me and Goofy get new clothes?

**Noiti Sopxe:** No. *waves hand and one more suitcase appears*

**Sora:** Cool, thanks!

**Donald:** ...We have been wearing the same thing for _every fucking game_ that isn't BBS...

**Noiti Sopxe:** Okay so form changes are a bit different this time, since they're mostly tuned to your specific Keyblade, but your outfit _will_ change when you enter that state, imperceptible thought the change may sometimes seem; also it will _not_ carry into cutscenes this time. Also also Chip and Dale did a thing to make this game even more modern, I'm sure it'll be a real hit with the kids.

**Sora:** *dismissive* Cool, okay! *swings the case over his shoulder, a thing I have never seen anyone do outside of anime*

**Riku:** There, we both got new clothes, you good?

**Sora:** Please, you're like me, I'm never satisfied.

**Riku:** Is that right?

**Sora:** I have never been satisfied.

**Noiti Sopxe:** Okay, great, now all of you get the fuck out of my house.

**Jiminy:** And I'm in this game too!

**Donald and Goofy:** Hooray!

**Sora:** Damn it, I was riding high and then I remembered you existed.

**Jiminy:** Now now, none of that. Who else will keep a record of things and came up with impossible to complete mini-game goals to reach?

**Goofy:** Wait, where were you during Olympus.

**Sora:** Who cares, let's just be grateful that he's only showing up now and move on.

**Donald:** Good idea, let's start the actual game already.

**Noiti Sopxe:** Hold up, almost forgot about the first Summon. *poofs a Heartbinder into Sora's hand*

**Sora:** Oh good. So what's this one.

**Noiti Sopxe:** Your Dream Eater friends, with the main focus being Meow Wow. You'll be overjoyed to see Sweet Baby again after your first use, and then you will never bother to summon anything ever again except to fill out the character section of Jiminy's journal thing.

**Sora:** *clutches Heartbinder tightly* That does indeed sound like how I use summons.

**Mickey:** Ten-SHUN!

**Everyone:** *stands at attention and bows to Noiti Sopxe*

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *lean forward a little*

**Noiti Sopxe:** I WHISPERED THE THING!

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** Aw, he whispered the thing.

~Unless I'm wrong, I don't think Nomura ever tried to convince us that he had everything planned the whole time, which is nice, I'm not the biggest fan of liars.~


	7. This Was Long Overdue, Honestly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **I'm merely planning on paying full price for Melody of Memory as soon as it comes out because I like Kingdom Hearts as a franchise, and NOT because I feel guilty for pirating all of the KH music for over a decade, because I would NEVER do that, how dare you even suggest it:** _The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Harry Potter, Family Guy, Dragon Ball Z, Firefly,_ the former Super Best Friends Play channel, _JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, Kung Pow: Enter the Fist,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Square Enix.

~I straight-up _feared_ the Gummi Ship section before I was able to actually start flying around, that's how bad older versions were.~

**The Dickbutt:** *exists*

**Sora:** *is relaxing with his arms behind his head in the pilot seat* Damn but this new haircut looks way better. Clothes are pretty nice, too...

**Donald:** We get it, new look, new game, now where're we going.

**Sora:** Pfft, I don't fucking know.

**Donald:** I'm gonna fucking kill you.

**Sora:** Good luck with that.

**Goofy:** This gonna happen _every_ time we go to a new planet?

**Gummi phone ringtone:** *starts playing*

**Jiminy:** It's coming out of your ass, Sora!

**Sora:** Most things do. *pulls out the Enemy Of Women's Pockets that is Literally Any Smartphone* ...I'm from a backwater island planet, I don't know what this is.

**Donald:** I guess me and Goofy don't either, but can we get the Hikari orchestra as an eight-bit ringtone instead, this one needs to stop and it needs to stop _now._

**Sora:** Did it come with an instruction manual, 'cause I don't know how to make it stop. Erm, red usually means stop...so I'm gonna hit the green button for no reason. *presses the green icon 'cause it's a fucking touch screen and an image of Dale appears*

**Dale:** Oh good, you've figured out how to activate Facetime!

**Sora:** I did what now? Also hi Dale.

**Dale:** Hey, Chipper! The dumbass finally figured out how a piece of technology works!

**Chip:** Oh this I gotta see. *runs into frame* Well would ya look at that, the small child learned how to tap an icon.

**Sora:** Hey Chip.

**Disney Castle library:** *exists*

**Dale:** I don't know if they had phones on your planet, Sora—

**Sora:** They did, but they were connected to a thing by curly wires, and said thing had to be plugged in at all times.

**Chip:** Well this is a newer phone. It's basically a computer you can keep in your pocket that also makes calls. We'll be able to share plot details with people this way without you ever feeling the need to come to this planet _or_ visit Radiant Garden!

**Dale:** Also pictures and selfies, because Nomura misses working with Prompto. And because Sony in general, really, there's some kind of photo mode in most of their games these days.

**Jiminy:** *hops onto Sora's shoulder* Really glad you stuck with the Gummi Phone 13 and didn't force the 42 on us, I don't care whether not it bends and the lack of a headphone jack is frustrating enough. Hey Sora, can I use the notepad app to work on my journal this time, I don't want to see another blank book and this way I can save my shit to the cloud so I don't lose everything again.

**Sora:** I have no idea what you just said so sure I guess. Also did you grow? I think you were smaller during CoM.

**Jiminy:** How would you know, you don't remember.

**Sora:** This is true. So aside from the test call, what do you guys want to talk about?

**Chip:** Okay so when DiZ/Ansem the Wise was looking after you back in Days, he hid some information inside you. Somehow. Don't ask how.

**Dale:** Anyway, Riku found it at the end of 3D when _he_ was inside you, and we're working on decoding it now.

**Chip:** What he said.

**Ienzo:** *cuts into the call* It'll probably take most of the game to decrypt the whole thing, sadly.

**Sora:** ...Who the fuck are you.

**Ienzo:** Oh yeah, we've never met, sorry. My name is Ienzo, you might remember me from one of the data battles in KHII; my portal was in the Underworld, I believe. Aeleus's portal was in Twilight Town; he just passed behind me but he has no spoken lines in this game so he'll be stepping out.

**Aeleus:** *glares at Ienzo before turning away in shame*

**Ienzo:** Oh come on, Aeleus, you had to teach Roxas about limit breaks somehow, I'm sure he understands that you had to deplete his health by beating him violently!

**Aeleus:** *just fucking leaves*

**Ienzo:** Aww, he's really ashamed of himself, that's adorable. *turns back to the Gummi Phone* Now, to business.

**Chip and Dale:** *raise a glass* TO BUSINESS!

**Ienzo:** *ignores them* So you and Riku were crazy busy during CoM and KHII, managing to pick off the Organization's Nobodies one by one. By doing so, you ensured that we returned to our original bodies, and on behalf of the ones who are glad to be human again, I would like to offer my sincere heartfelt thanks, as well as an apology. We willingly gave up our hearts in the early days of Xehanort's experiments, but Xehanort tricked us into doing so, as for all our scientific prowess we are also huge idiots.

**Sora:** Ha.

**Goofy:** But if he followed Xehanort, that means he's a bad guy!

**Ienzo:** _Former_ bad guy. Riku kicked my shit in and Axel finished me off, so we're back to being good guys now, most of us returning to our old jobs in Radiant Garden where we belonged. And you should see this place, it's exactly the way it was eleven years go, the Hollow Bastion Restoration Committee really did a nice job!

**Sora:** Speaking of them...I know they're not available right now, but the DLC does reveal that they're still all freeloading at Merlin's place even a year from now, so they should be pretty easy to track down, right?

**Ienzo:** Oh hell yeah.

**Sora:** ...Could you pass along a message for me, since I won't be able to talk to any of them myself?

**Ienzo:** A message? What is it?

**Sora:** It's a form of communication that's meant to pass on information, but that's not important right now. It's...about Leon.

**Ienzo:** ...Go on.

**Sora:** I...I deadnamed him for years. He wanted to be known as the name he'd chosen for himself, to be seen as who he is and not what others told him he was, and I completely disregarded his wishes. I used the excuse that I didn't like him as justification for my actions. I _still_ don't really like him that much, if I'm honest, but that really is no excuse for my behavior. I was a shitty person and I wish to make up for it, to be a better person who sees others for who they actually are rather than what _I_ think they should be. I wish to apologize to him, and if he chooses not to accept then I more than deserve it.

**Ienzo:** ...I'm sure he'll appreciates it, Sora, but Squall actually changed his name back now that Radiant Garden's back to normal.

**Donald:** Oh really?

**Ienzo:** ...I mean, he _should,_ but if you check the journal during the Limit Cut episode of the DLC he's still Leon, so maybe he just got used to it?

**Sora:** I will therefore call him Leon until I am told otherwise, like I should have done in the first place.

**Goofy:** Anyway, Axel's also on our side now now, so I guess I can buy that this person's trustworthy as well.

**Donald:** Okay, have Xaldin go over to Beast's Castle and apologize to literally everyone there, then.

**Ienzo:** Oh Dilan won't be going anywhere for a while. Also we want to get the _whole_ gang back together; just like you, we're missing some people and we want them back, safe and sound and hopefully no longer evil. We'd like your help with that, since all of us want that for Roxas. Thus, I'll share with you what I've managed to decode so far. *fiddles with the computer in front of him that has scans of Sora and the Keyblade*

**Sora:** We talking about the data that Ansem the Wise hid, uh, _inside_ me?

**Ienzo:** Yeah I don't want to think about that either. But the information contained therein is pretty important. Sora, the easiest way to explain things is that you're basically a Horcrux.

**Donald, Goofy, and Jiminy:** Well that's fine but I don't see how that affects— _WHAAAAAAAH!?_

**Sora:** How is this news to you.

**Goofy:** What do you mean?

**Sora:** C'mon. We _know_ Roxas had to do the fusion dance with me in order to wake me up at the beginning of KHII. Same with Kairi and Naminé. Fuck, there could be other stuff going on as well; I was in a coma for nearly a year and I keep having this hazy memory from when I was little where something else might've happened, who even knows anymore.

**Ienzo:** Interesting...Well, no one knows your heart better than you.

**Sora:** I disagree. Vehemently.

**Ienzo:** To be honest, we still have a plethora of questions on our side, such as whether or not Aqua's armor and Keyblade are still downstairs from where I'm standing right now, but we'll go off what you just said for right now. It's still so fucking weird that you and your Nobody are able to be two separate people just because a Princess of Heart hugged you one time. No wonder Ansem the Wise developed a weird obsession with you. Anyway, we'll continue to chat between planets if I have anything else to report. Laters! *leaves the call*

**Dale:** Hey, we're still here, and we will also call when you're conveniently back in space the moment anything interesting happens. Also remember that you and a bunch of other people have smartphones now; you can call any of us any time there's a problem, you got that? No need to visit, we really don't want to interact with you any more than we have to.

**Chip:** Also Jiminy, please educate the technology-illiterate moron you're currently standing on how to use a piece of technology that he's completely unfamiliar with.

**Jiminy:** Ohhh, my anxiety just fucking spiked _so_ unbelievably high...

**Chip and/or Dale:** *hang up with no other fanfare*

**Sora:** ...Welp, since I'm not allowed to save Aqua and by extension Ven just yet, though it would solve so many problems if we got the easy shit out of the way, I guess I'll just focus on Roxas for now.

**Goofy:** Nod!

**Donald:** Nod!

**Goofy:** Despite Noiti Sopxe having next to no confidence in you, I seem convinced that he has nothing _but_ confidence in you!

**Donald:** So where're we gonna head first based on that conversation?

**Sora:** Thinking about Roxas has me craving sea-salt ice cream for some reason. Wanna head to Twilight Town?

**Donald and Goofy:** Well, we—

**Sora:** Too bad, heading there anyway. *summons Kingdom Key and uses it to _finally_ summon the Kingdom Hearts III title card*

**The Dickbutt:** *pops out of a waypoint in the middle of the Ocean Between – I had no idea you could cut back to the world map and save there, it would've cut down on so much of my anxiety on the first run*

**Sora:** ...Ignore everything I just said, can we head back to Olympus right away? I wanna see if anything's changed. *turns around* Oh wow, we can instantly, that's awesome! *lands in Thebes*

**Hercules:** Hi, everybody!

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** Hi, Hercules!

**Sora:** And just like that you're back in the party?

**Hercules:** Every time you land anywhere around here, I will immediately join you.

**Sora:** Shiny!

**Meg:** Well hey there, sluggers. I gotta say, it's good to have you back.

**Sora:** Thanks a bunch!

**Meg:** The town's on the road to recovery. Could've been a very different story if you boys hadn't come along.

**Sora:** I imagine so.

**Meg:** Lucky for us, you heroes happened to be around. Thanks for everything. It's been a real slice.

**Sora:** I could go for a slice of something right now, actually, I'm carrying all these foodstuffs with me... *wanders around some more* Oh, cool! They fixed your statue, Herc!

**Hercules:** Yep! Everybody pitched in. Still needs a little work, though. Should be done by the end credits.

**Sora:** Neat! *meanders around Thebes a little more, taking in all the NPCs milling about*

**Boy:** Hey, you like my collection? Preeeetty sweet, huh? I just need a set of Golden Hercs and then I'll be done. If you find any around town, can I have 'em? I need five. Pleeeeease?

**Sora:** I'm genuinely surprised there aren't little side missions like this on every planet.

**Donald:** Verum Rex, the dancing mini-game, the sledding mini-game, collecting crabs to level up the Leviathan, Hiro's VR missions...Pretty much every planet except Monstropolis and the fucking Keyblade Graveyard has at least one mini-game that's not the fucking Flan.

**Sora:** ...Huh. That's a very good point.

**Goofy:** Speaking of Flans, we gonna do this planet's one now, considering it's the one you consistently have the most trouble with since it's fucking bullshit?

**Sora:** Yeah I'm gonna go ahead and not do that until I have a free week or something; I'm very threatened by the goo monster.*goes around and finds all the people he'd already saved*

**Mother of son:** It's thanks to you that I made it out safe. Take this. I insist. *gives Lucid Gem*

**Son:** Thanks for saving us. This is for you! *gives Lucid Stone*

**Mother of daughter:** Oh, it's you! Wait, I wanted to give this to you. *gives Lucid Gem*

**Daughter:** Thank you for saving me! You're my hero! *gives Lucid Stone*

**Wife of the bald man:** I am finally allowed to speak! You made a big difference, little heroes. *gives Lucid Gem*

**Actual bald man:** I woulda been a goner without you. Here, I want you to have this. *gives Mythril Stone*

**Sora:** *heads over to the overlook where he finds a Golden Herc statue* Wow! Look how high up we are!

**Donald:** Just don't make me do any more crazy stunts.

**Blond man:** Oh, it's you! You really saved me. Here, got something for ya. *gives Mythril Gem*

**Sora:** *finds another Golden Herc in one of the holes Pete had dug while looking for the black box* Huh, thanks, Pete. Anyone else find it weird how a bunch of other things throughout the city are fixed but no one ever filled in these holes?

**Hercules:** No one's ever gonna fix the statue of Achilles, either, which I think is a damn shame.

**Sora:** True enough. *eventually returns all of the Golden Hercs to the boy*

**Camera:** *focuses on all five shining statues*

**Boy:** _Yeeees!_ That's all of them! Thank you _so_ much! *gives Sora a Hero's Belt*

**Sora:** Thank _you_ so much! *equips it immediately and heads up Mt. Olympus again for funzies and waits to talk again until they get past where the fight with the Rock Titan happened* How did that Titan survive a fall from all the way up here?

**Hercules:** Wait, you fought a Titan on the side of the mountain? Sora, that's amazing!

**Donald:** ...He fought, like, all of the Titans basically on his own, how is this _more_ impressive.

**Sora:** *finally gets the rest of the treasure chests and heads to the very top of Mout Olympus itself* Hey there, Zeus.

**Zeus:** You came just in the nick of time, my boy. Olympus owes you and your friends a great debt.

**Sora:** Someone once photoshopped you as Old Joseph and now I can't unsee it. Mostly because it does a hell of a good job explaining Josuke...

**Zeus:** The strength of your hearts proves you have the makings of true heroes.

**Sora:** Thought we already were as of the last numbered title.

**Zeus:** There are a few of those rascals still trying to cause mischief around here.

**Sora:** And there sadly always will be.

**Zeus:** If Hades didn't learn his lesson this time, his head is hotter than I thought!

**Sora:** His head is hotter than you thought. *leaves as there's nothing else to do there until he learns how to take pictures with his smart phone* OKAY LET'S SEE HOW MUCH WE CAN DO OUT IN SPACE BEFORE ACTUALLY HEADING TO TWILIGHT TOWN.

**Dale:** Hey by the way here's the usual Gummi ship crap that you're already partially familiar with since you'd already started flying or whatever.

**Sora:** _Definitely_ catching up on some podcasts and Twitch vods, this is gonna take a _while._

**Donald:** *is bored a few hours later so he looks out the window and starts singing softly*  
 _Look at the stars_  
 _My darling, baby boys_  
 _Life is strange and vast_  
 _Filled with wonders and joys_  
 _Face each new sun_  
 _With eyes clear and true_  
 _Unafraid of the unknown_  
 _Because I'll face it all with you_

**Sora:** ...Okay that song was beautiful and everything but can you at _least_ do the Don Cheadle voice.

**Donald:** Hey how 'bout you go fuck yourself.

**Sora:** I'll get right on that. That sure was a deep cut, though.

**Goofy:** How was that a deep cut, the show's fairly well known.

**Sora:** No I mean the _show_ made a deep cut, the melody's from one of the levels in the old video game, isn't it?

**Goofy:** Wow, good ear.

**Sora:** Not really, I just go on Twitter a lot.

**Jiminy:** Ah fuck, why'd we give the teenager a smart phone in the first place.

**Huey's voice from across the cosmos:** UNCLE DONALD YOUR VOICE IS TERRIBLE! KEEP SINGING!

**Donald:** *angrily to Sora* Would you just get to Twilight Town already!?

**Light:** *starts shining*

**Sora:** Hang on, we got incoming!

**Weird armored cube thing:** *emerges from the light*

**Donald:** Oh great, a _Gummi_ boss fight.

**Sora:** The Vega ship makes defeating this Flower Guardian thing _so_ easy... *defeats the Flower Guardian thing easily with Vega* Okay. We _are_ already at level forty-one and I've done basically everything except two boss fights and the constellations, that didn't take nearly as much time as I thought it would, so I guess we can stop. Kinda don't want to, though...

**Donald:** I implore you to reconsider.

**Sora:** Hmm. Okay!

~Flying the Gummi Ship is actually one of the more enjoyable things in the entire game, something I never thought I'd say about any Gummi Ship section in a Kingdom Hearts game.~


	8. The Switch From There Being Zero NPCs To ALL Of The NPCs Is Still Really Jarring For Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Hey. Hey you. Wear a fucking mask:** The former Super Best Friends Play channel, _The Princess Bride, JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, Scooby Doo, Gurren Lagann, Harry Potter, Blackadder,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Square Enix.

~This is still one of my favorite planets in this franchise, it feels like a hug.~

**Clock Tower:** *exists*

**Sun:** *shines into the camera and creates the Twilight Town title card*

**Goofy:** Hold up, does Noiti Sopxe have a Gummi Phone, do we have to visit _him_ in person every time we need to update him on something?

**Donald:** Probably, he's old as shit, I can't picture him figuring out a smartphone.

**Sora:** *walking down a hill that they will never again be able to walk back up without physically leaving the planet* Call me crazy, but I'm not all that enthused about talking to someone who does everything in his power to make me feel like shit. Also if you meant telling him about Maleficent and Xigbar, who even cares, none of that'll really factor into this game anyway, and even the DLC's just gonna add more buildup.

**Donald:** I mean, there'll still be a boss fight with Xigbar later...

**Goofy:** And it doesn't mean he can't theorize about all that shit in the meantime.

**Donald:** Yeah but right now we only have what Pete let slip to go off of.

**Sora:** Pfft, since when has _Pete_ ever been a threat?

**Goofy:** I just wouldn't underestimate him, is all.

**Sora:** *sees a tram go by* _Damn_ that looks good, no wonder they showed off this planet in all the trailers.

**Donald:** And thus begins the joke where KHII, Coded, and 3D all happened relatively close to one another but because this game took so long to come out it _feels_ like forever.

**Sora:** You know what I'm not going to argue? What you just said. Because you're super right.

**Goofy:** Also you might be feeling Roxas's homesickness. Sometimes just a few days away can make someone feel like that, and though it still hasn't been that long he might still have felt sad to not be here.

**Sora:** So I actually somehow met up with a manifestation of Roxas in the final area of 3D that looked like the World That Never Was, Roxas's other home. He grabbed my hand and I got flashes of all the sad shit he'd been through during his entire year of existence, which might not seem like a large amount of time either but it sure felt like over fifty-five hours had been compressed into a few seconds. There also appeared to be gaps in his memory but I'm sure they weren't important.

**Donald:** A version of him was also in the Castle Oblivion part of Coded, I somehow know.

**Goofy:** Basically he was testing whether you, or at least the data slave version of you we created to suit our purposes, would turn into a whiny emo teen given enough angst or if you'd still stay strong enough to want to help people despite the shit you'd need to wade through to do it.

**Sora:** Yeah I've been meaning to complain about the ethical implications of that...So how did not-me do, anyway? 'Cause real me's dealt with a fair bit of angst. I lost my home planet, I thought my two best friends were dead and also my parents I guess, one of those best friends turned evil for a while, _you_ two abandoned me to be unarmed on an alien planet with no feasible way to get back to a safer one, then when the evil friend stopped being evil I still thought the worst had happened for far longer than I should have because Mickey wouldn't fucking tell me anything, uh, I was in a coma for nearly a year and I don't even know why I have to thank Naminé but I know she's important and I know she's a friend and not knowing the context for that kills me...Oh and since Nobodies can grow their own hearts over time it turns out we were kind of murdering people during all those boss fights. Not to mention those one or two times we a million percent saw real people die; Clayton and Barbossa specifically come to mind, how did we never talk about that...And I'm sure there are other examples but I don't really feel like dwelling on them right now. But yeah, I can handle shit, I feel. Basically you guys were testing my empathy, right? I think I'm pretty empathetic after all this time, maybe even before all this shit started. Life is pain and anyone who says differently is selling something, am I right?

**Donald:** Well you sound similar enough.

**Goofy:** Looks like Chip and Dale programmed the data slave pretty fucking accurately, then.

**Sora:** But I do think it's a good sign that I'm feeling what Roxas feels, assuming that I'm not just feeling nostalgic for this town myself as I almost always love original KH planets. *puts his hand to his chest and closes his eyes* Don't worry, Roxas, we'll get you out of there somehow.

**Weird white text on a black screen:** Hey remember how Days was gonna get into how the Organization controlled different breeds of us lesser Nobodies but couldn't find a way to work it in?

**Sora:** *opens his eyes* ...No?

**Donald:** Who're you talking to?

**Dusks:** *appear behind Sora* Us.

**Goofy:** Oh good, these assholes. Also this is my battle stance, get ready to get used to it and to also take it one hundred percent seriously.

**Sora:** Absolutely not.

**Donald:** Good thing we're experts at this!

**Sora:** Mm-hmm. *summons Keyblade and uses the Link to summon his old Dream Eaters to deal with the Dusks because there was a tutorial blurb that specifically reminded him of it* Aww, Sweet Baby. *beats all the Dusks* Okay so I heard a weird voice in my head that wasn't Roxas, I don't think, d'you think it's important?

**Donald:** Nope!

**Goofy:** I mean it's only happened twice in the entire series now and it barely meant anything the previous time, either.

**Sora:** ...I mean you have a point, but...

**Hayner:** This town's gonna be _littered_ with NPCs after our introduction, how are we always the only people to notice these freakazoids!?

**Olette:** Pence, we'll hide the severed toes in people's freezers later, right now we gotta move!

**Pence:** You people _never_ do what I wanna do...

**Sora:** Okay I didn't hallucinate _those_ voices at least, right?

**Donald and Goofy:** Why're we being vague about this.

**Sora:** I fucking hate you two sometimes. *sees Hayner, Pence, and Olette running around the corner* Hey gang, what's going on?

**Demon Tower:** *is shown to have been following them*

**Goofy:** ...Holy fucking shitballs.

**Hayner:** Hi, Sora! Bye, Sora! *runs past with the other two*

**Sora:** Hoookay, time to fight yet another boss fight. Gee, it sure would be frustrating if during an earlier playthrough of the game I was unaware of the ability to save at the Gummi garage and had no faith in the autosaving system...

**Goofy:** Would you relax, this doesn't have a “beat without continuing/retrying” type trophy, you can die without loading from the last save if you want/need to.

**Sora:** Yeah, I know that _now._ Also _Aerial Recovery sure would be nice during this fight._

**Donald:** Stop being such a pussy, you don't even need to completely deplete its health bar.

**Sora:** Fair point. Oh hey, Cure, nice.

**Demon Tower:** *kinda just pisses off and never returns to this planet*

**Sora:** Well that was less harrowing then I initially made it out to be. *vanishes Keyblade*

**Hayner:** *walks up with Pence and Olette* Hey, thanks for helping us to not die.

**Sora:** Any time! Man, it seems like it's been nearly fourteen years since I last saw you! *runs up to them*

**Hayner:** ...It's been a few months max, but okay.

**Donald:** Told ya.

**Olette:** Donald, Goofy! Always happy to see the giant anthropomorphic animals walking and talking like humans and wearing human clothing in an environment where that has never been and never will be questioned!

**Donald:** Well isn't that polite of you!

**Goofy:** It sure is! A-hyuck!

**Pence:** So is shit about to pop off again or what?

**Hayner:** DID YOU NOT SEE THE TIDE OF DEMONS WE WERE JUST RUNNING FROM.

**Sora:** It was just a tower.

**Hayner:** Fuck off. Also is underprecedented a word?

**Olette:** It is not.

**Hayner:** Balls. Also also why am I excited about this, none of us know how to fight these things.

**Pence:** Well they are different from the usual fare. I guess I wouldn't mind learning about these new monsters as well. *punches hand*

**Olette:** Okay but can this not count as homework this time, I'm sick of writing papers. And Sora, not to be rude, but you're never around unless it's for the plot or for Struggle tournaments, and the latter's kind of been retired after last week's blood bath.

**Pence:** How was I supposed to know that Rai wouldn't survive an ice pick through his skull!?

**Hayner:** And he didn't even get disqualified for murder, only for not using the approved-of Struggle club. Olette has a valid point, though; why are you guys here and can we help in any way.

**Sora:** Okay, you remember we talked a bit about a boy called Roxas back in the day?

**Olette:** Not really, despite us explicitly meeting him at least twice in Days.

**Pence:** Oh yeah, forgot that that totally happened.

**Hayner:** The name _is_ inexplicably familiar somehow, though. It's almost as if hearts having the power to connect is linking me to my data self from that other dimension and is therefore causing me to sense that version of me's friendship with this Roxas fellow across dimensions, because that was and continues to somehow be a thing we're just supposed to accept as totally making sense.

**Pence:** Or it could be that, since this town is soon to finally be crowded, one of the nameless NPCs actually does, in fact, have a name.

**Donald:** I'm pretty sure Hayner's got more of an idea about what's going on.

**Goofy:** I'm surprised you guys even remember that alternate reality. Also we have physical proof that we frankly should have showed you back when we were talking about that shit to begin with. *hands Hayner the photo of Data-Hayner, Data-Pence, Data-Olette, and Roxas*

**Olette:** Why am I strangely relieved that I can say the word “photograph.”

**Pence:** We have a similar photo I conveniently happen to have on-hand. *pulls it out* And, gotta be honest, I kinda miss that jersey, I don't think this new white one is very flattering.

**Hayner:** Would you shut up and love yourself already. And this _definitely_ would have been more for us to go on than a marble and intellectual property theft, why didn't you show us this last time?

**Pence:** Considering they only now seem to want to help out this Roxas, I don't think they really cared enough to mention him at the time. But at least they eventually came around, right?

**Hayner:** Mm. So, once again, can we do anything to help?

**Sora:** You don't mind? An entire person you seem to have missed out on is a lot to take in, isn't it?

**Hayner:** No, it's totally fine. *smiles fondly down at the photograph* He seems like a pretty cool guy.

**Sora:** He is, but I think he's got a boyfriend already.

**Hayner:** Ah, damn it...

**Sora:** And a girlfriend. Maybe. *blinks* Why did I say that, am I thinking of Naminé...?

**Hayner:** *brightens* So he's poly, then?

**Sora:** I, uh, maybe, I don't know what his limits are, and I'm making a lot of assumptions in general—

**Hayner:** FUCK YOU, LET ME HAVE THIS.

**Pence:** Okay, I say we go and ask around town, see if anyone else just barely remembers him, like someone missing a favorite customer or something.

**Olette:** Someone should probably hit up Seifer, Fuu, and Vivi.

**Hayner:** After what Pence did to Rai!? Like they'd have anything to do with us after that!

**Pence:** Enh. Vivi actually seemed kind of relieved. Helped me harvest Rai's liver and everything.

**Hayner:** Oh yeah? That was nice of him.

**Olette:** Anyway, these photos were taken in front of the old mansion, Sora, if you wanna check out that place for any more clues. The three of us will be standing around various places in town and not actually talking to anyone.

**Sora:** Helpful as always. Oh, are any of you familiar with smartphones?

**Hayner:** Dude, I have a smart _home._ Nearly froze to death when the app shit the bed, switched back to normal central heating within the week, would not recommend.

**Sora:** ...Wanna take a picture together?

**Hayner:** Okay _that_ I can do.

**Pence:** Text it to us later, yeah?

**Everyone:** *does sick Jojo poses against a wall*

**Pence:** ...No one has a selfie stick, huh.

**Sora, Donald, and Hayner:** Ah shit.

**Olette, Hayner, Sora, and Pence:** *get back into position*

**Donald:** *holding the Gummi phone* Not my fault I couldn't balance it on the end of my staff...

**Sora:** We're not mad about that, Donald, we're mad that you immediately threw the phone down and started stomping on it. Good thing that case is so tough...

**Goofy:** ...Donald, I'll take the picture, you get into position.

**Donald:** *angrily* What, you think I'll try to smash it again if I mess it up!?

**Goofy:** Yes.

**Donald:** Good instincts! *forces the phone roughly into Goofy's hands and stands between Hayner and Sora, glaring at the camera*

**Goofy:** Everybody say Three Freeze! A-hyuck! *takes picture*

**Sora:** I AM NOW LOOKING AT THE SHOT YOU TOOK.

**Olette:** And look at the fetch quest you'll have to do for the rest of the game depending on the difficulty if you want to get the secret ending and also Oathkeeper on future playthroughs! *points at the Hidden Mickey*

**Sora:** Yeah we're not calling them Lucky Emblems, they're fucking Hidden Mickeys.

**Olette:** They sure are! We got a few hidden around town. Some are obvious, like that one, and some are _way_ more obscure and inconvenient, like a pile of ropes arranged just so, or even an oil spill that coincidentally looks like Mickey's head that you'll have to come back for once you're done with the planet you're on. If you find all of them, you'll get a trophy! And also the aforementioned secret ending and Keyblade, guaranteed.

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** Cool, that shouldn't be too annoying.

**Sora:** Also I'm just now figuring out that it's shaped like the king's silhouette because I am not smart.

**Goofy:** That's okay, neither am I.

**Donald:** Remind me how _we_ keep saving the universe again?

**Sora:** ...Luck?

**Olette:** Oh you'll _definitely_ be needing luck if you want to find all of them in the game without a guide.

**Sora:** *already has the YouTube app open and linked to one of the many Lucky Emblem walkthroughs people have put up* Uh-huh, sure.

**Hayner:** Okay, gang, let's split up and look for clues!

**Sora:** For real?

**Hayner:** Shut up, I'm having fun!

**Sora:** Hang on, somehow the Gummi phone didn't register that as a picture of a Hidden Mickey. *takes a picture of the Hidden Mickey*

**Donald:** Good picture.

**Goofy:** I'd know those ears anywhere.

**The entirety of Twilight Town:** *is suddenly swarming with NPCs as if there hadn't just been a giant monster attack*

**Huey, Dewey, and Louie:** *have also materialized into existence behind Sora with Louie at the counter*

**Sora:** *runs up to them excitedly* Dewdrop! Greener pastures! Red hat!

**Huey:** Hi! I'm Huey! (From Duck Tales!) The oldest of the triplets, by three seconds.

**Sora:** Yes I know who you are, I was just playin'. So what're you three doing here, anyway?

**Dewey:** Watching videos I make of me.

**Louie:** I don't know, just, rocking a hoodie?

**Sora:** Heh. I'll be real, I'm not used to all three of you having super high pitched voices anymore. Or all three of you wearing hats.

**Huey:** The Junior Woodchuck Guidebook states that a warm head breeds warm, healthy thoughts.

**Sora:** Of course it does. So what're you kids selling, anyway, I thought the Moogle was handling pretty much everything.

**Louie:** I present to you, the Duck Bros Gummi Shop! A division of Louie, Incorporated.

**Sora:** Huh. Somehow expected Huey to be behind the desk for some reason.

**Louie:** Oh I rotate my employees.

**Huey:** We're not your employees; we're your family.

**Louie:** At Louie, Inc., family are the greatest employees of all! I mean except Dewey, Dewey would make a terrible employee.

**Dewey:** *takes a breath to argue but thinks better of it*

**Sora:** Yeah I'm just gonna buy one of everything I can afford whenever I get the chance, I like Gummi stuff this time around. *does so*

**Louie:** *beams at him* I gotta tell ya — selling out is everything I dreamed it would be!

**Sora:** _Fuck_ that's such a good show...Oh, I can still talk to people, shiny.

**Goofy:** So much for hopin' Twilight Town would be safe.

**Sora:** Agreed, but at least now things are magically fine, at least for the moment.

**Goofy:** Keep your eyes peeled! Those lucky emblems could be anywhere.

**Sora:** And I have a feeling you're gonna obnoxiously nag me whenever one is near!

**Donald:** Sora, we gotta go to the old mansion.

**Sora:** Oh don't worry, Roxas _totally_ would've wanted me to dick around first!

**Donald:** I want to help you look for lucky emblems!

**Sora:** That's the spirit! *sees Olette over by the restaurant* Hey, Olette, been talking to anyone yet?

**Olette:** I hope we can find someone who knows Roxas...

**Sora:** ...So that's a no, then?

**Olette:** So Hayner and Pence and I are friends in the other Twilight Town. I'm not surprised.

**Sora:** True enough. *spots Pence a little ways away*

**Pence:** Sorry, no leads yet.

**Sora:** ...You gonna, like, move from this one spot and do any searching, or—

**Pence:** You think the other Twilight Town has its own Seven Wonders?

**Sora:** OKAY GOOD-BYE. *sees Hayner hanging by the place where you used to fight bees back in KHII*

**Hayner:** An alternate Twilight Town...Can you imagine? What's it like?

**Sora:** Probably filled with bugs that are somehow unpatchable. So what're you up to?

**Hayner:** We're still asking around.

**Sora:** *stares at Hayner standing in one spot and not moving* ...I can see that. *goes past him and sees they've set up a sort of movie theater* I haven't seen a movie in ages. Why...Why does the main character look like me? *watches a tiny version of himself flying in an airplane*

**Goofy:** *ran forward to get better seats with Donald* This is so exciting! Above ya! Look out! Oh no! Watch out!

**Sora:** *watches the mini version of himself dodge lightning and other planes* This looks like a gatcha game or something. *watches himself give a tiny version of Mickey in his own plane a letter* ...This was literally called Mickey&Sora, huh? No one asked me if it was okay to use my likeness and I sure as shit ain't seeing any royalties or residuals coming in. *snaps a pic of the Hidden Mickey anyway*

**Another short:** *starts*

**Donald:** Hey! That one looks just like the King! *sees the title “The Musical Farmer”* We've seen this one already!

**Sora:** I haven't, what're you talking about? *watches himself hand eggs to Mickey and Minnie* You can do it! Wait why am I getting invested, I hate everything about this.

**Donald:** Yo I just heard a couple of NPCs talk about how Seifer hasn't been seen in a while and how he took off with Fuu and Rai! We _do_ technically have Final Fantasy rep pre-DLC, they're on our backs, _and in our hearts!_

**Sora:** Yeah but considering what Pence just told us about Rai, I have a sickening suspicion that that's a cover-up.

**Donald:** Oh I'm sure it's _fine._

**Goofy:** *watching “Mickey the Mail Pilot” again* They sure don't make movies like this anymore. Hey, ya dropped something!

**Sora:** Okay I've had about enough of this. *goes around collecting ingredients and taking pictures of Hidden Mickeys and opening chests and whatever else before heading into the tunnel system*

**Donald:** Aw, do we have to go that way?

**Sora:** I mean, there's literally nowhere else to go on this planet, so...

**Donald:** Go faster! It smells bad!

**Sora:** Granted, people storing their garbage bags in what appears to be the sewers is probably not the best way to go. *emerges on the other side* Damn it, I though this was the tunnel system to the other side of the planet, I didn't think it'd take me directly into the forest! Ah, well.

**Donald:** Wait, what's with all the spilled fruit?

**Goofy:** Interesting way to introduce those Powerwild Heartless, I suppose.

**Powerwild Heartless:** *are dicking around on a tree*

**Sora:** Strange, they usually wait for people to harass, but there's no one here.

**Goofy:** Hang on, I think there might be something up on that branch.

**Little Chef:** *is cowering for his life*

**Goofy:** Called it!

**Sora:** *uncontrollable high-pitched squeal of joy* I knew he was in the game but I didn't think he'd be the _first_ Pixar thing we saw! I am so indescribably happy right now! THIS IS WHY PEOPLE BUY THESE GAMES.

**Donald:** ...So maybe help him?

**Sora:** *summons Oathkeeper* Please still be voiced by Patton Oswalt, please still be voiced by Patton Oswalt... *starts to kill them*

**Donald:** Hey, since when do Heartless grow on trees?

**Sora:** ...They're fucking monkeys, Donald.

**Donald:** Get down here and fight!

**Sora:** Donald you have magic.

**Goofy:** Gawrsh, they're not making it easy for us...

**Sora:** *easily dispatches the rest of them* You say something, Goofy?

**Little Chef:** *runs up to them and looks adorable*

**Sora:** Phew, I'm so glad you're safe. *grins* WELL SEE YA! *turns to leave*

**Little Chef:** *looks around at all the fallen fruit he has to somehow collect on his own, slumps, looks at Sora's retreating form, figures he's _got_ to be about as stupid as Linguine, and uses that rationalization to run up Sora's body and start piloting him like a mech using his hair spikes I love that movie so fucking much*

**Sora:** *turns around against his will* Okay who put the Imperius Curse on me and can they please stop.

**Little Chef:** *makes him pick up an apple*

**Goofy:** Hey, the rat's on your head now. I think he somehow turned you into a mech that he's piloting.

**Sora:** ...The way you just phrased that instantly makes this okay. Still, you could've found a way to aaaAAAahh, oh boy. *is made to pick up another apple*

**Donald:** Hey look, Sora's an unwitting slave again!

**Goofy:** Maybe if you just pick up all this fruit for him, he'd be less inclined to steal all of your motor functions from you.

**Little Chef:** *nods frantically*

**Sora:** Yeah, honestly, I think I'd prefer that. While I wouldn't have minded had you asked first, I still want you to ask next time, all right? Consent is important.

**Little Chef:** *runs down Sora's arms and perches on an apple*

**Sora:** Is it okay if we gather all the fruit offscreen? I'm not really up for another fetch quest just yet.

**Little Chef:** *nods*

**Sora:** M'kay. *gathers up all the fruit onto a pile on the ground that one tiny rat couldn't possibly move on their own* So pretend like I don't own this movie and explain to me what you're gonna do with all this.

**Little Chef:** *mimes cutting and sprinkling ingredients*

**Sora:** ...Hey, you're owned by Disney now, you're allowed to talk, just look at these idiots.

**Little Chef:** *shakes head sadly*

**Sora:** Oh right, I forgot you were French and mimes are a stereotype, never mind. *sighs* Was hoping for Patton's voice to say that he'd “come up with a new _RECIPEH,”_ but I guess beggars can't be choosers. Good luck with whatever!

**Donald:** ...Hey gang, why did we just help a rat, he's a _rat._

**Goofy:** Did watching _Avengers: Endgame_ somehow _not_ give you an appreciation for rats?!

**Donald:** A couple of rats nearly killed _Dr. Jotaro Motherfucking Kujo._ I have no patience for vermin.

**Sora:** Your monarchy is led by _mice._

**Donald:** Your point?

**Sora:** I give up with you.

**Goofy:** Let's just head to the mansion.

**Sora:** M'kay. Oh good, more Heartless.

**Goofy:** That little feller sure seemed happy.

**Sora:** He _did,_ didn't he? *grins as he goes around slaughtering Heartless, opening chests, and collecting ingredients before finally heading over to the mansion proper*

**Goofy:** I see it! That building up ahead!

**Sora:** I...I know, Goofy.

**Donald:** Sora, we gotta go to the old mansion.

**Sora:** ...We're literally right here.

**Donald:** I want to help you look for Hidden Mickeys!

**Sora:** We just repeating dialogue here or what?

**Goofy:** Keep your eyes peeled! Those Hidden Mickeys could be anywhere.

**Sora:** Guess not!

**Goofy:** No, the rest of it's the same as before.

**Sora:** Oh. *walks toward the front door*

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *kind of just stare at the mansion*

**Sora:** *looks over at Naminé's old room with the suddenly far more intricate lace curtains and turns into Roxas for a second before shaking it off* ...So I vote we only go in for this next cutscene and then never be allowed to go back in for the rest of the game, and even then just hit the basement and not check out the rest of the place at all ever.

**Goofy:** I mean, we were fucking _in_ the mansion a few times last game, I don't know why I'm suddenly convinced that it's haunted.

**Donald:** I just don't wanna chance another year-long coma.

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *stare at what I just realized was meant to be a play on the _Haunted_ Mansion for a little longer, lost in thought*

**Hayner:** *puts his hand on Sora's shoulder* We all easily snuck up on you!

**Sora:** *recoils violently* BITCH I WILL _KILL YOU!_

**Hayner:** Constant vigilance, motherfuckers! *is there with Pence and Olette*

**Donald:** Hey how 'bout you guys go fuck yourselves.

**Olette:** Not right now, I have a headache.

**Sora:** Uh-huh, did you guys actually bother talking to anyone after we left town, or did you continue to just stand around?

**Pence:** Well we mostly listened to NPC dialogue but none of them had anything useful to say.

**Hayner:** And since we can't get around to the other side of the planet anymore, our only other option is to check out this place again.

**Olette:** Y'all ready for this?

**Pence:** The implication is that we're gonna go dimension hopping again instead of just chatting with someone from another planet.

**Sora:** Whatever.

**Everyone:** *is now spontaneously in the computer basement*

**Pence:** The overweight guy on a computer in a basement. _That's_ not a negative stereotype of any kind. *gets in the computer chair anyway* Password was sea salt ice cream, hope it didn't get changed and/or expire...it did not, we're good. Now then...Ah shit, the transporter's been taken offline.

**Computer screen:** *starts flashing a red Data Error alarm when everyone knows 404 Not Found pages are white*

**Sora:** Shit, now what?

**Pence:** Welp, entering the World that Never Was definitely isn't an option in this game.

**Hayner:** Pity, that place sounded cool.

**Pence:** Tell me about it.

**Olette:** The underground tunnels, the other side of the planet, there's no Sandlot, we can't get to our hide out, we can't even _walk uphill_ anymore, and now you're telling me we can't do this either? When did this planet get so claustrophobic!?

**Pence:** I think everyone poured all their energy into making the new Disney and _especially_ Pixar planets.

**Hayner:** You know what? Fair.

**Gummi phone:** Ring ring, ring ring.

**Sora:** Hang on, that's me. And now I want to change the ringtone to Doppio's weird bullshit. *answers it*

**Ienzo:** Hey, are you conveniently in front of a computer right now?

**Sora:** Ohmygod you're fucking PSYCHIC!

**Ienzo:** Not really, I was dicking around on Ansem's computer in Radiant Garden — _not_ looking at porn, why would you even suggest such a thing — when someone else logged on to the same server. I hoped it was you, or at least someone you know who actually knows how technology works.

**Sora:** That'd be Pence, yes, yes, he's from Twilight Town. He's kind of a serial murderer but he's fine otherwise.

**Donald:** Why would you _tell_ people that!?

**Sora:** I'm just waiting for _someone_ to arrest him.

**Goofy:** He's underage, they'd never get the charges to stick.

**Ienzo:** *smiles* Oh you kids are such amusing jokers.

**Pence:** Which is _also_ why I'm still at large. Also hi, I'm the one they're talking about.

**Ienzo:** Okay, I can work with this.

**Pence:** So the problem we just experienced was trying to run a program that worked perfectly fine a few months ago, but now won't for some reason.

**Ienzo:** Is it a Windows PC?

**Pence:** Yes...

**Ienzo:** Was there a big automatic update recently?

**Pence:** ...Ahh...

**Hayner:** Okay but why can't we hop dimensions anymore? It's the only way to find Roxas maybe we think we have no other leads. You gotta help us.

**Ienzo:** Elaborate. Wait, no, I figured it out; Ansem made a world out of data, an almost exact replica of the planet you live on, to store Roxas in while the Organization was hunting him, right?

**Jiminy:** *pops out* You mean like a digital world? Is Coded becoming more and more relevant by the second?

**Sora:** Damn it, I was riding high and then I remembered you existed.

**Goofy:** Yeah, that stuff we were talking about earlier with your digital slave, Sora? It was a lot like this.

**Ienzo:** I just got a cunning plan. Pence, can you open a Google doc so we can share notes? I'll give you my email, hang on a sec...

~Three hours later...~

**Pence:** *is still fucking around with the computer*

**Sora:** *is napping standing up, the phone clutched loosely in his hand*

**Everyone else:** *who the fuck cares what they're doing*

**Ienzo:** Hookay, 137 pages of data thus far, not bad for our first few hours of work. I'll be sure to write up a couple of Secret Reports later.

**Sora:** *wakes up* So can we hop dimensions now or nah?

**Ienzo:** ...I mean in theory yes, but that's never gonna come to pass in this installment. But it _does_ mean that we can decode Ansem's shit more quickly, meaning that we can help you and Roxas and whoever else needs our help eventually.

**Sora:** I still have no idea what you just said.

**Ienzo:** _How._

**Sora:** Many will say that is because I am stupid. But I trust you and Pence to not fuck it up, at least.

**Ienzo:** ...Thanks, I guess. Also Chip and Dale are on my Discord so we're pretty much always in constant contact. We'll be calling you periodically between planets to give you updates.

**Sora:** Thanks.

**Ienzo:** Oh, uh, also, I know you don't remember him, but there was a person called Vexen you met in CoM. Axel killed him super hard, to the point where he took longer than the rest of us to wake up. I think Even waited until Lea was gone to leave himself, but the point is that we don't know where he is now. Even Aeleus and Dilan can't find him. This is kind of a problem since he was our top researcher and arguably the smartest among us.

**Sora:** You think he stayed evil even after recompleting?

**Ienzo:** Honestly? That does fit his profile. Just watch your back, yeah?

**Sora:** I will roger that. *hangs up*

**Hayner:** ...OH SHIT WE'RE LATE FOR WORK. *starts to run off*

**Pence:** Hey, we're trying to bring a guy back to life here.

**Hayner:** Uh-huh, and where's he gonna live? How's he gonna get clothes? How's he gonna eat? We are talking about a whole person here, and sadly that means thinking about finances.

**Pence:** ...Oh, no, what about insurance!?

**Olette:** That we don't have to worry too much about, we just passed Medicare For All, remember? Now we just need standard basic income and we'll all have a safety net!

**Hayner:** Yeah I don't have any faith in that one passing. Anyway, bye, Sora!

**Sora:** Later, Hayner!

**Olette:** I'm heading out too. Bye, Donald, Goofy!

**Donald and Goofy:** See ya!

**Pence:** Okay so since I'm on paternity leave to help bring in a life, can you guys make sure we stay in the black?

**Hayner:** Fine, but we're cutting cable. *leaves with Olette*

**Pence:** ...When was the last time I actually _watched_ live television...

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** WE ARE OUTSIDE THE BUILDING NOW.

**Goofy:** So, what's next?

**Donald:** Want to go back to town?

**Sora:** I guess—

**Goofy:** We prob'ly should make our way back to town.

**Sora:** I was _gonna!_

**Donald:** There could be a Hidden Mickey nearby!

**Sora:** I already got them all, there are not.

**Donald:** Oh. Well fuck me, then.

**Sora:** Not right now, I've got a headache.

~...Why did everyone in the universe suddenly agree that plaid was the way to go, especially matching red plaid like Hayner, Pence, and Olette?~


	9. Did NOT Expect This Level Of Emotion This Early

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **HAVING to go to a dentist during a global pandemic, especially in the country that's doing the worst right now, sure is fun, everyone should try it:** _JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, Blazing Saddles, Kung Pow: Enter the Fist,_ the former Super Best Friends Play channel, _Dragon Ball Z, Harry Potter, Star Trek 2: Wrath of Khan,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Square Enix.

~Riku's Instagram has a picture of himself placing the Way to the Dawn on the beach with Mickey's ears just in frame. So who the _fuck_ took that shot.~

 **Sora:** Hang on, I just remembered that I wanna get a couple of selfies with you two. *takes out camera phone*

 **Goofy:** *does a Yoshikage Kira pose* Aw, I bet that's a great one!

 **Sora:** Shit, didn't take it, try another one.

 **Goofy:** You're gonna take a picture of me? Okey dokey! *does a Koichi pose*

 **Sora:** Eh, try something else.

 **Goofy:** *does a Polnareff pose* How's this? Goofy enough for ya?

 **Donald:** *does a Jotaro pose* Get on with it!

 **Sora:** That is literally just you pointing at me, come on, you can do better than that!

 **Donald:** Did you take it?

 **Sora:** I did not, no.

 **Donald:** Wait, I need a minute—

 **Sora:** *takes picture*

 **Donald:** WAK!

 **Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *exit the gates*

 **It is he, Ansem, the Seeker of Darkness, formerly known as Xehanort's Heartless and hereafter just known as the Seeker of Darkness because this shit is CONFUSE:** So, you think you can bring Roxas back?

 **Sora:** *turns and sees the Seeker of Darkness leaning casually against the wall* Why aren't I immediately attacking you, do I think you're Riku again?

 **Xemnas:** *exiting a Dark Corridor* Because only bad people throw the first punch, and we are unarmed.

 **Sora:** Hey Xemnas.

 **Xemnas:** Hey. Also why're you trying so hard to save a mistake.

 **Sora:** Because _I_ was a mistake. My parents didn't plan me; birth control pills aren't always effective. I just happened. And once they found I existed, my parents decided that they wanted me anyway. That's how we feel about Roxas. We know he exits, so we want him to live. It might not be true for every case but it's true for us with him.

 **Xemnas:** Is that even remotely true?

 **Sora:** No idea, pulled it out of my ass. Do you even care?

 **Xemnas:** I do not. But I fail to grasp how the two of you expect to exist at the same time.

 **Sora:** Possibly the digital Twilight Town. We know it's not ideal, but at least he'll have a home.

 **Seeker of Darkness:** Okay I know Coded did the thing with even digital simulations of people being able to grow hearts, but do you really think he'll be _happy_ there?

 **Sora:** He was for that one week of summer vacation. He'll miss Lea, sure, but Lea can always visit and at least Roxas won't be entirely alone.

 **Goofy:** ...I just thought of something else. Look at these two. They're the Heartless and Nobody of the same person, meaning that they _are_ the same person. And yet we're lookin' at 'em both right now. So there's no reason why Roxas can't do the same thing eventually! We just have to figure out how!

 **Sora:** ...Goofy, you're a fucking genius.

 **Donald:** Smartest one on the team! Which is kinda sad!

 **Seeker of Darkness:** ...Okay, have fun with that.

 **Xemnas:** Kind of suits our purposes anyway if we either had another vessel of our own _or_ if they had one more wielder to add to their own ranks.

 **Sora:** It'll be the latter. I'll make sure of it.

 **Xemnas:** Uh-huh, sure. You do remember that a Nobody is created when one gives their heart over to the _darkness,_ right? Code for evil in this franchise? Will _you_ turn evil to save everyone? *points dramatically at Sora* How much are you willing to sacrifice? What lengths are you willing to go?

 **Sora:** Definitely willing to sacrifice my life if it means I can save everyone I care about. Also Terra I guess.

 **Seeker of Darkness:** Go on, then. The shadows are never out of reach. See, look, Neoshadows, right behind you.

 **Sora:** Oh yeah look at that.

 **Xemnas:** Also Dusks.

 **Sora:** M'kay.

 **Seeker of Darkness and Xemnas:** Now, set your heart free. *Disapparate*

 **Sora:** Stop, don't, come back.

 **Donald and Goofy:** Uh, Sora? Little help?

 **Sora:** I gotta do everything around here... *kills everything* Oh hey, Blizzard.

 **Donald and Goofy:** Well that was fun, wasn't it.

 **Sora:** Not really.

 **Donald and Goofy:** We know, we were being facetious.

 **Sora:** Herc said...He said that he wouldn't be able to live with himself if he didn't use his strength to save people who needed his help. And Roxas definitely needs our help. I will use every ounce of strength to help him if I can. *turns to the other two* You guys mind tagging along one last time?

 **Donald and Goofy:** ...Fucking...duh!?

 **Sora:** I don't know what the Seeker of Darkness or Xemnas want, but I think we'd better tell the others to watch out.

 **Donald:** M'kay.

 **Goofy:** Okay then. Let's head back to town.

 **Sora:** ...There's a save point right there, we could just leave. *tries* Holy fuck I totally can.

 **Goofy:** You're gonna wanna head back into town, trust me on this.

 **Sora:** ...Okay, I guess...

 **Donald:** We could try and catch up with Hayner and Olette?

 **Goofy:** Back to town we go!

 **Donald:** You can count on me and Goofy!

 **Sora:** *checking Gummi Phone* Uh-huh, sure, no prob.

~No I did _not_ fuck off back to Olympus to get all _those_ Hidden Mickeys and also the constellations in Starlight Way instead of doing cooking mini-games, how dare you even suggest that.~

 **Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *barely step back into town before they're suddenly running through*

 **Scrooge:** *is no longer Alan Young, obviously, but not yet David Tennant, so they went with Enn Reitel* Ach, so it was you wee bastards that rescued my wee chef?

 **Donald:** Oh good, this chucklefuck again. Least that explains what the boys are doing here...

 **Sora:** *watches Scrooge walk up to them, carrying a parcel* ...We're not gonna be able to go to Radiant Garden at all this game, area we.

 **Goofy:** Nope! I recon Scrooge travels to different planets even more than we do! Gotta make those literal vultures still invest in his ventures somehow!

 **Sora:** And no one questions the giant anthropomorphic talking duck with no pants even when he's on his own, huh. *jogs up to him* Hey, _adore_ the new show, sir!

 **Scrooge:** Why thank you, me lad!

 **Donald:** *walks up to him with his arms crossed* So. You're looking good.

 **Scrooge:** Still living on that boat?

 **Donald:** Yep. Still a trillionaire?

 **Scrooge:** *holds his arms out indicating the entire fucking town that is now presumably in his literal possession*

 **Donald:** Good, good. So...

 **Scrooge:** So. Have ye learned to heal when needed _yet._

 **Donald:** Yes, I have, thank you very little.

 **Goofy:** Okay this is getting too awkward for me. Scrooge, you mentioned a chef earlier?

 **Scrooge:** That's right, I did! I'm in the restaurant business now, as you could probably tell from the giant restaurant I just walked out of. Also you unknowingly helped out me head chef earlier, and he'd like to repay ye. Check this shite out. *holds out the parcel*

 **Sora:** *takes it and opens it*

 **Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** ...A fruit cake. G-Great...

 **Scrooge's hat:** *quivers*

 **Scrooge:** It's not a fruit cake, it's a tart. A tart aux fruits, to be precise. Apologies, the chef's French.

 **Goofy:** Aw, poor little guy.

 **Sora:** Wait, which France is he from, Beast's Castle France or La Cité des Cloches France, I know there was a shot of Notre Dame in the background in the film—

 **Scrooge:** Ach, feck it, check this out. *takes his hat off and allows Little Chef to jump from his head to the top of his hat* We're callin' him Little Chef 'cause that's what all the humans called him in the movie.

 **Sora:** Hey, little one!

 **Donald:** It somehow just sunk in that you own a restaurant.

 **Scrooge:** Yeah, I still don't know how I got away with it. I was on this planet called Paris, enjoying this truly delectable dish brought to me by a ginger on roller skates. When I asked to see the chef, after a bit of haggling and begging 'cause they were understandably reluctant, I met this wee lad. And, well, he's coming up on two years now. His life's running short, most of his family's dead, and he wanted a wee bit of recognition before his heart exploded as rats aren't particularly hardy, unfortunately. So I told him I'd find him a planet where health regulations were so pathetically substandard as to allow rats in kitchens without so much as a by-your-leave, and here we are! Everyone knows about him, no one cares, everyone's eating his food, and his last year of existence will be nothing but happiness and fun! Not exactly a long-term investment, per se, but we'll get there when we get there. And yes, that tart is made up of the fruit you helped salvage earlier.

 **Sora:** Aww!

 **Scrooge:** And if you want more you'll have to do some annoying mini-games multiple times.

 **Sora:** Oh...

 **Little Chef:** *mimes some shit*

 **Scrooge:** Oooh, I believe we just unlocked said cooking mini-game, should ye be willing! First, though, I'd recommend gathering up any random food you can steal from food carts, empty Chinese take-out boxes, and the ground. And be sure not to pay for them!

 **Louie:** *from across the street* Aren't you rich? Why do you need free food?

 **Scrooge:** I didn't get rich by wasting money. I got rich by besting my enemies! Back during the gold rush, when I was prospecting for my fortune in the Klondike—

 **Huey:** Gold rush!? Wait... *counts on his fingers* How old _are_ you!?

 **Goofy:** I don't wanna know, I'd just like to cut in and say we already have a bunch of ingredients we've picked up already without really knowing what it was for aside from a cooking mini-game being loudly advertised during the lead-up to release.

 **Scrooge:** Well yes but ye have to get more now, just to make doubly sure as it's the first time the mini-game is to be attempted. The mark of a truly great chef is to be able to create masterpieces out of anything. Also now that it's started you literally won't be able to leave the planet until you're done.

 **Sora:** If I didn't love the subject matter so much I'd resent you taking my ability to choose like this. As it is—

 **Donald:** Also this is the first game where we're allowed to eat something, anything, that isn't even ice cream, roughly whenever we wanted.

 **Sora:** And now I'm hungry so let's do this shit.

 **Scrooge:** Go on, lads. Ya need to scrounge up some ingredients. We'll be needin' a wee bit more before cookin' can begin.

 **Goofy:** Guess we're still short. Let's keep searching.

 **Sora:** Goofy we haven't even started yet. *tries to leave the planet* We can't leave! Little Chef still needs our help! Who the fuck am I talking to? Why am I asking _you?_

 **Goofy:** Little Chef needs more ingredients. We'd better keep an eye out.

 **Sora:** Yes I am _aware,_ Goofy. *finally grabs something out of an old take-out box someone left lying around that's probably days old*

 **Goofy:** Just imagine the yummy stuff Little Chef'll whip up with this.

 **Sora:** How is this whole planet not suffering from horrible food poisoning. *straight up steals out of someone's fruit basket*

 **Donald:** Hey, do you think Little Chef can use _this?_

 **Sora:** Donald that is a human child. So probably.

 **Goofy:** Oh boy! Let's see if there's more!

 **Sora:** I am terrified of all of you.

 **Goofy:** Little Chef needs ingredients. We'd better keep an eye out.

 **Sora:** Hope we find some ingredients around here. *dances on a barrel for munny rather than look for more take-out boxes*

 **Donald:** Go, Sora, go!

 **Goofy:** I'm startin' to get hungry!

 **Sora:** So am I, actually. *steals food/collects garbage from a total of nine different locations and is immediately and automatically teleported back to the bistro*

 **Little Chef:** *is staring up at them from a table*

 **Hayner:** Well well well, fancy seeing you people here!

 **Sora:** *sees Hayner and Olette running up to them* Oh hey you two.

 **Hayner:** Would you believe we work for the abomination against nature behind you? We finished putting up all the posters, by the way.

 **Scrooge:** Good for you. *flips them a couple of dimes* Now go shine some shoes or something.

 **Donald:** Oh here we go! Giving orders like he's the richest duck in the world!

 **Scrooge:** I _AM_ THE RICHEST DUCK IN THE WORLD!

 **Goofy:** So was no one else hiring, or...?

 **Hayner:** New child labor laws. We're still fifteen maybe so he pays us under the table.

 **Olette:** Also there's a bit of a drive-in theater around the corner, you've probably seen it already. *unrolls giantlant poster* Don't ask why they've chosen to use Mickey and Sora's likenesses without either of their knowledge, consent, or payment, just be content with those exposure bucks.

 **Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** Uh...

 **Olette:** Oh and also there are free short mobile games embedded into these posters. There aren't even microtransactions, which of course makes them even more popular; they make enough on ad revenue alone. Take a shot of it, Sora.

 **Sora:** ...Okay, but only if I'll eventually get a new Keyblade keychain out of it. *takes a photo*

 **Olette:** You will, after you've collected all of them and played them all at least once.

 **Donald:** I am sincerely surprised in a very good way at the lack of microtransactions.

 **Scrooge:** Only because all those regulations went through...Meh, I got a theater and a restaurant, that's enough for now.

 **Dewey:** *angrily from across the street* You have a movie studio that could fulfill a starry-eyed boy's cinematic dreams! Why didn't you tell me!?

 **Scrooge:** To avoid this exact conversation?

 **Dewey:** Okay yeah no I could see that.

 **Donald:** ...Plus I bet you're leeching from the boys' Gummi Shop...

 **Scrooge:** Only because I help run it. Louie's basically useless.

 **Louie:** Oh please, I'm a professional, I can handle this. *checks stock and panics* HOW DID THIS GO SO WRONG SO QUICKLY!?

 **Sora:** You only stocked one of everything and I _bought_ everything you had so you have nothing else to sell now so you cannot actually make any more money?

 **Dewey:** Math checks out!

 **Huey:** I SHOULD NEVER TRY ANYTHING NEW!

 **Dewey:** Oh no, Huey's broken.

 **Louie:** *trying to calm down* Just relax, Louie! Think of all the stuff you're gonna buy with Sora's munny, okay? An Empire Brothers' Ottoman, a case of imported Pep Superior, an emerald-studded hoodie...

 **Goofy:** Pretty sure you kids'll automatically have new stuff in stock as the game progresses or as we level up with the Gummi Ship or whatever.

 **Scrooge:** Good point.

 **Huey:** Now, the greatest adventure of all! Waiting.

 **Louie:** And quitting when I get tired!

 **Scrooge:** Yer droppin' all your hopes and dreams at the first sign of an obstacle?

 **Louie:** Hehehehe, yeah, classic Louie.

 **Scrooge:** I will _not_ be third person speachified to!

 **Sora:** This stuff happen often?

 **Olette:** _Every day._ We'd all be sick of it if it weren't so entertaining and charming.

 **Sora:** I can definitely see the appeal, yes. Oh, uh, can you two and Pence try and stick to the town from now on?

 **Hayner:** Can we ask why?

 **Sora:** Monsters. They're keeping to the sewer and forest for now, but...

 **Hayner:** You're not gonna be our personal bodyguards?

 **Olette:** Well that was a quick visit...

 **Donald:** It's a smaller planet than usual, what'd you expect.

 **Goofy:** Bright side, we can literally return whenever this time.

 **Hayner:** Well that's a good.

 **Sora:** ...I have something kinda...sappy to ask of you guys.

 **Hayner:** Okay, let's hear how bad this'll be.

 **Sora:** Okay, you know how I keep bringing up Simba just not wanting Mufasa back hard enough makes wishing kinda useless? The thing is, death works in a weird way in this universe where it's usually not all that permanent. _I_ sort of not really died once, and it was Kairi who brought me back just by believing that I would. So...would you guys mind wishing for Roxas to come back? The trigger might work if it's you two and Pence.

 **Hayner:** Well I think it'd be stronger for Axel and...just Axel, but sure, we'll give it a shot. Never hurts to have a backup, after all!

 **Olette:** I'll let Pence know. We will literally keep Roxas in our thoughts, and for the first time in the history of ever that might actually be enough to do some physical good.

 **Sora:** Thanks, I appreciate it.

 **Seeker of Darkness and Xemnas:** *are watching from a rooftop* SURE HOPE NO ONE LOOKS UP AT US!

 **Xigbar:** *steps out of a Dark Corridor* Okay, not only are you two in plain sight, but did you guys make it just a little too obvious about our ultimate plans or whatever?

 **Xemnas:** ...You've met Sora before, right?

 **Seeker of Darkness:** Seriously, if we didn't give him color-coded step-by-step instructions, _he would never get it._ I think he might legitimately have some sort of learning disability...

 **Xigbar:** Annoying Main Character Has To Be Stupid For Some Reason trope aside, he still kicked all our asses. Repeatedly.

 **Seeker of Darkness:** Whatever, we can take him out whenever we want.

 **Xigbar:** But we still need a thirteenth.

 **Xemnas:** I know, I have a plan for that...it won't be properly explained until Re:Mind but I do have a plan. We never just have one iron in the fire...

 **Xigbar:** ...What are you talking about, why were you so desperate to get rid of Roxas once Xion started getting stronger than him if you actually believed in having a back-up!?

 **Xemnas:** Who?

 **Xigbar:** I..don't know.

 **Xemnas:** Also while you're here why'd you tell Luxord that the black box shit was my idea? What exactly are you planning, Xigbar?

 **Xigbar:** Nothing that's gonna interfere with any of your plans. What, we can't have a couple of our own things going on?

 **Xemnas:** You're technically me now, so no, not really.

 **Xigbar:** I implore you to reconsider.

 **Xemnas:** Hmm. Okay!

 **Shooting Star Keyblade:** Oh yeah you unlocked me now.

 **Sora:** So I'm thinking we actually try that cooking mini-game, what do you think?

 **Donald:** Why not, we don't have friends to save!

 **Goofy:** It's true, no one's stopping you!

 **Sora:** Doing it, then! *turns around and activates Little Chef by pressing triangle near the podium* We brought some ingredients!

 **Little Chef:** *nods enthusiastically*

 **Sora:** *is suddenly bursting through the doors to the kitchen* YO WHERE THE FOOD AT. Aaaand there's no one working here. _How_ does this place maintain a business.

 **Little Chef:** *runs up his leg and onto his head despite his protests, yanking on his hair to make him move*

 **Sora:** DID WE NOT JUST TALK ABOUT THIS!? *is made to pick up a frying pan and a metal spatula* I mean it does make more sense to have a human cook since we have longer reach and can hold more things in our much larger arms, but that begs the question of what the _fuck_ do you do when I'm not actually around. *tries a few recipes and somehow doesn't fuck up on cracking the egg as much as he feared but has much more trouble getting the rhythm on the pepper grinding mini-game for some reason; the flambé challenge is the _fucking worst_ while chopping vegetables is beyond easy* Okay now I'm getting hungry.

 **Le Grande Bistrot:** *earns a star*

 **Scrooge:** *enters the kitchen* Hey! I hear you're not completely terrible! And that you've come up with some new _RECIPEHS_ that don't suck! Those ingredients of yours must really have got Little Chef's gears a-turnin'! Ahh, taste the savings.

 **Sora:** I mean, if I'm basically the only one working here aside from a single rat, I have a feeling that I'm gonna _have_ to keep coming back here in order to help keep this place afloat at all.

 **Scrooge:** Atta boy! Let's hone that wildly misplaced enthusiasm, shall we? *pulls a couple of packages out of his ass* Keep up the good work!

 **Sora:** Yeah we'll get right on that I guess. *takes the packages and high-fives Little Chef with his finger* Hang on, if I was just given a Gourmand's Ring, why was I handed _two_ packages that were _way_ larger than ring boxes?

 **Little Chef:** *points at the menu*

 **Sora:** I got no more ingredients, little one, I have to go off-planet to get more, sorry. *exits the bistro and is back in Twilight Town where he grabs the other two promo games off the bulletin board*

 **Goofy:** You gonna try any of those out?

 **Sora:** Nah, probably gonna wait until I have most if not all of them and then do 'em all in one fell swoop.

 **Goofy:** Fair enough.

 **Scrooge:** In business and in life, you've got to be tougher than the toughies and smarter than the smarties.

 **Sora:** WHY HAVEN'T I WATCHED WHAT'S OUT FOR SEASON THREE SO FAR WHAT IS _WRONG_ WITH ME.

 **Goofy:** You don't have cable anymore and you're trying to cut back on the piracy?

 **Sora:** What're you talking about, we're going to the Caribbean later.

 **Goofy:** Never mind.

 **Scrooge:** I hear you tracked down lots of ingredients. Well now, thanks to you, my business couldn't be better!

 **Sora:** It's even easier when you can just buy them from the fucking Moogle right over there!

 **Scrooge:** Dinnae forget those ingredients, lads. I want customers, and customers want variety.

 **Sora:** OR DO THEY.

 **Olette:** The bistro is out of this world! I hope they keep expanding the menu.

 **Sora:** I'm _working_ on it.

 **Olette:** So Hayner and Pence and I are friends in the other Twilight Town. I'm not surprised.

 **Sora:** It does seem to be a trend, yes.

 **Olette:** The food here is so good, I miiight have overdone it.

 **Sora:** I still haven't actually eaten yet...

 **Goofy:** I wonder what Little Chef has been cookin' up lately.

 **Sora:** See, I don't know if he's doing _any_ of his own cooking or if I'm doing it all for him.

 **Donald:** I saw Little Chef outside the bistro.

 **Sora:** Yeah. Because I called him out. Moron...

 **Donald:** Oh boy! I'm gonna find _all_ the Hidden Mickeys!

 **Sora:** Yeah let me know when you find _one,_ 'cause so far I've been finding all of them.

 **Donald:** Good point. That being said...There's really not much else to do here. Wanna go visit some Disney planets?

 **Sora:** ...Yeah sure fine.

~BUT FIRST! Some incredibly long cutscenes you weren't emotionally prepared for!~

 **Kairi:** *voice over* Hey, sorry I just fucking left at the end of 0.2 before you got back. Did Noiti Sopxe even tell you I'm a Keyblade wielder now? I know I got a Keyblade at the end of KHII but still. There's so much for everyone to keep track of that I wouldn't be surprised if you forgot. And me saying that I'm training to fight implies that I'll, you know, actually fucking do something in this game, which would be a nice change, wouldn't it. Meh, guess it's the thought that counts, even if it ends up amounting to fuck all unless you get the DLC. Also Merlin has access to a Hyperbolic Time Chamber, apparently. Why this has never been used before is beyond me. Also it would've been great if me and Lea came out actually stronger than anyone else if we had all this extra time to train, which, I mean, we're not _terrible,_ but again, you'd only know that if you paid an extra thirty bucks. I didn't know Merlin could do all this shit; is there any way _he_ could enter the battle, 'cause it seems like he'd be a huge help. Maybe he could even trap all thirteen Xehanorts in here or something so we wouldn't have to fight at all, I don't know the limits of this gorgeous forested area. Oh, did I mention I was training with Lea? Yeah, he's fine now. Kinda always was, it's just that Xemnas was gonna turn him into a Dusk if he didn't follow orders and even good people have different levels of self-sacrifice. I told him I forgive him for kidnapping me but he won't stop apologizing. I'll admit I was a little scared of him at first, but I've gotten to know him better. And frankly, I wouldn't mind a different DLC segment where you could choose between me and Lea in sparring match after sparring match as some kind of mini-game. Maybe there could be a trophy for completing the training within a certain amount of time or something. I know it'll never happen but it's a nice idea. Anyway, he only kidnapped me to try and help his friend. Honestly, it's hard not to like him, which I'm sure will in no way spawn a brand new surge of fanfics for those who hadn't shipped us together already. Especially when I keep catching him staring at me. I know that's a bit weird since we both have boyfriends and I don't know if he's polyamorous or not, so one time I asked him what was up with that. He told me, “I'm not sure, I think I'm forgetting something. Don't know what.” Sora, I think it may have something to do with you. I think this because everything always does. The fate of so many people, characters you've met and characters you haven't, are all depending on you to succeed. No pressure or anything! Just continue to be the happy-go-lucky moron you always have been, and my lady boner will remain nice and erect for you. *is shown writing on a note pad*

 **Lea:** *walks up* Hope I'm not interrupting.

 **Kairi:** Nah, just finished writing about lady boners. 

**Lea:** Ha, nice.

 **Kairi:** What's up? You okay?

 **Lea:** Huh? Uh, yeah.

 **Kairi:** Hey. Don't be a toxic douchebag. _Talk_ to me. This is literally a giant safe space.

 **Lea:** I _would_ talk to you if I knew what the fuck I was talking about! *sits on a rock in front of the one she's sitting on* You writing a letter or taking notes on our progress, the lady boner thing's confusing me.

 **Kairi:** Which is why it's the first thing.

 **Lea:** That makes way more sense. Is it to Sora? Riku? Who else do we both know...any female friends? Like, at all?

 **Kairi:** It's to Sora. Technically it's more of a diary, but having it be in the form of a letter makes it seem like...Iunno, less of an actual diary.

 **Lea:** If you want it to really be a letter, you could get Merlin to send it for you.

 **Kairi:** Nah, I wrote too much embarrassing personal stuff to actually send it.

 **Lea:** More embarrassing than lady boners?

 **Kairi:** ...Enh.

 **Lea:** Fair enough. Hey, wanna see me pull something out of my ass?

 **Kairi:** Uh.

 **Lea:** Relax, it's just ice cream. *pulls two popsicles out of his ass*

 **Kairi:** Oh, okay. How'd you get these?

 **Lea:** Well, food's one of the five exceptions to Gamp's Law of Elemental Transfiguration WHY DO I STILL KNOW THAT, so I asked Merlin to physically go to Twilight Town and pick up a couple. And don't you dare complain about weight gain; first of all, you're a fucking twig, and second, we're working out so much that you'll burn the calories in no time. And if you need an excuse, we never did celebrate us becoming Keyblade wielders to begin with.

 **Kairi:** You're sweet, Lea.

 **Lea:** Hate to break it to you, but I don't see you that way. I don't think. Who even knows.

 **Kairi:** Well if not, then why are you looking at me like that again?

 **Lea:** I genuinely have no idea.

 **Kairi:** This to do with that thing you forgot about again?

 **Lea:** Maybe. *looks out at the sunset*

 **Kairi:** Right. So you ready to get your ass beat by me tomorrow? *brandishes her ice cream at him*

 **Lea:** Yeah that'll be the day. *basks in the sudden flash of sunlight*

 **Kairi:** Don't hold back, Lea. Promise?

 **Lea:** *looks back to see an image of Xion holding the ice cream instead, causing him to drop his own and start to cry and causing me to tear up for the first time since the opening*

 **Kairi:** Shit, was it something I said? *gets up and goes to him* Lea, I'm so sorry, are you okay?

 **Axel:** *turns away and wipes his eyes* It's okay, it's not your fault...I honestly don't know what that was...

 **Kairi:** Damn it, I wanted to knowingly make you cry via beating your ass, not like this!

 **Axel:** I just said you didn't do anything! Let's just go with the sunlight being in my eyes, okay, I just looked directly into the sun like a complete fucking dumbass, that's all!

 **Kairi:** Hey, come on, don't be like that.

 **Axel:** … *stands up* I...think I need some space right now. That okay?

 **Kairi:** You don't need my permission. If you want to be alone, go on.

 **Axel:** Thanks...Oh, and can you call me Axel again?

 **Kairi:** Wha — I _just_ got used to calling you Lea!

 **Axel:** Yeah but the other name's making me feel better right now for some reason. Got it memorized?

 **Kairi:** ...I might forget.

 **Axel:** That's okay, I know you're not actively trying to be disrespectful. *walks back into the woods*

 **Sea Salt Ice Cream:** *is still lying on the ground*

~I think at some point I grew even more invested than Xion than I was with Aqua, which is saying something.~

 **Mickey and Riku:** *are following Dilan into the courtyard of Radiant Garden that is now an exact replica of how it used to look over eleven years previously, so good on the Hollow Bastion Restoration Committee I guess*

 **Dilan:** *motions them wordlessly toward the center*

 **Mickey:** ...Didja take a vow of silence after returning to your senses or something? *walks over the mosaic tiles with Riku* Okay so what happened here?

 **Riku:** We somehow know that Aqua dove into the darkness to try and save Terra at this exact spot.

 **Mickey:** Yeah, she'd said he turned evil or something.

 **Riku:** How'd that happen?

 **Mickey:** Well he'd been trying to fight off his own personal darkness for the entire game. Then she went to track him down after they all fought Master Xehanort and after she went and hid Ven's body. I don't know what happened to her after that apart from just somehow being lost in the realm of darkness for over a decade now. She seemed fine when I ran into her that one time, though, so she's probably still fine now.

 **Riku:** I remember you saying that she said that she expected Terra to be all right, but that no one's seen him since said battle with Master Xehanort. However, we do know that Dilan and Aeleus managed to communicate to us that, in this perfectly recreated spot, an amnesiac with tannish skin and white hair was found, unconscious. And, ever so conveniently, he could just barely remember that his name was Xehanort.

 **Mickey:** I met that version of Xehanort once, when I was visiting Ansem. He'd taken in the stranger as his apprentice, and had shut down all their research one day due to ethical concerns. Xehanort didn't really care about that kind of crap, so he betrayed his master and stole his research. We'll just gloss over the part where Ansem was banished to a realm where he became convinced that an abbreviation for Darkness in Zero was a cool name.

 **Riku:** *snorts*

 **Mickey:** Meanwhile, Xehanort and his five or seven closest colleagues decided to separate their hearts from their bodies. Then Xehanort decided to engage in identity theft and confuse the fuck out of everyone by having both his Heartless and his Nobody take Ansem's name. Also time travel and possession are things. Remember when he possessed you that one time?

 **Riku:** …

 **Mickey:** And also Xemnas founded the original Organization. By are these visuals helpful!

 **Riku:** Wait what visuals, what are you talking about. Also we killed all those guys, though it didn't end up mattering since Young Xehanort was traveling through time the entire time to look for vessels to form the real Organization by essentially creating a record-breaking twelve Horcruxes. Except he's perfectly okay with throwing them all away by fighting us, that seems a bit off. But who cares about any of that, I still wanna know what happened to Terra.

 **Mickey:** ...I'm such an idiot. I am such a _fucking_ idiot.

 **Riku:** And?

 **Mickey:** Fuck you and listen. So the end of 3D, right? Master Xehanort was an old fuck, right?

 **Riku:** Uh-huh?

 **Mickey:** And his Heartless and Nobody were considerably _younger_ fucks, right?

 **Riku:** Well yeah, gotta make the fans swoon somehow.

 **Mickey:** It didn't hit me until I thought about how you'd been possessed. This all could have been solved so much quicker if I'd even got one glimpse of Terra during BBS. Seriously, I have never personally met the man. If I had, even with different hair, I might have recognized him. _As Ansem's apprentice._

 **Riku:** ...Shit. So, uh, I guess we found Terra.

 **Mickey:** Yup. In all honesty, maybe Aqua should've let her friend fall to darkness. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, and Xehanort's done a lot of harm to a lot of people by remaining in the realm of light.

 **Riku:** People always say that, but it's always harder to do when it's someone you care about. And that doesn't explain what Master Xehanort's doing back as an old fuck again now. Where's Terranort supposed to be?

 **Mickey:** Heh, I like that name. And probably at the Keyblade Graveyard, awaiting the final battle.

 **Riku:** Balls. We should tell Sora about this.

 **Mickey:** Also Merlin so he can tell Lea and Kairi!

 **Riku:** Yeah how 'bout _you_ do that.

~RIKU DOES NOT SAY ONE WORD TO HIS OTHER CHILDHOOD FRIEND AT ALL THE ENTIRE GAME THIS IS RIDICULOUS.~


	10. Okay Now I Just Want To Play FFXV Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **The Melody of Memory demo was super fun and I can already tell I'm gonna be terrible at it. HOORAY:** _The Princess Bride, Mystery Science Theater 3000, Monty Python and the Holy Grail,_ the Spoony Experiment, the former Super Best Friends Play channel, that one Evanescence song, _Avatar: The Legend of Korra, Undertale,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Square Enix.

~Sometimes I'd pop this game back in just to go flying out in space. We sure have come a long way since KHI.~

**Sora:** *out in space* Hey one of the bosses I didn't fight yet, neat, after this there's only one more thing to do in this section of space besides hang out and occasionally collect Flourites and Damascuses for Keyblades. Is that the proper plural, I don't even know.

**Toy Box:** *is wrapped in a ball of darkness*

**Astrowarrior:** *exists*

**Donald:** Hey, we can't get by!

**Goofy:** How do we reach the planet now?

**Sora:** Like this! *kills it* OVERLEVELING IS THE BEST WHY DOES EVERYONE HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE DO IT.

~It provides an escapist fantasy that I can actually conquer a potential threat with ease, leave me alone.~

**Epic rock chorus whatever:** *plays as the camera zooms through a city, focusing on one particular building with a beam of light shooting out of it*

**People with laser swords:** *are fighting a bunch of giant marketable robots on the streets; one of them casts Blizzara or some shit*

**Giant robots:** *are now gathered on top of the building with the beam of light*

**Silver-haired transparent Noctis stand-in that is in no way meant to be a Noctis stand-in nor will he have anything to do with things to come we promise why would we lie:** RUNNING!

**Transparent stand-in for either Lunafreya or the other woman she'd replaced from the original Vs. XIII concept and who might actually be involved later who even knows anymore:** The purple beam of light is coming from me, apparently.

**Dudebro in a fedora wielding a lightning blade:** Is this what Brain's meant to look like or am I the Prompto stand-in? *turns a giant robot into yellow cubes somehow*

**Man with glasses who is probably meant to be Ignis:** Thaaat's _IT!_ *puts up a giant barrier or something against one of the giant robots* I've come up with a new _RECIPEH._

**Not!Noctis:** Aw, no Gladdy-Daddy. *turns some other robots to cubes with his own laser sword*

**Not!Lunafreya:** Still glowing purple!

**Not!Noctis:** I too appear to have supernatural glowy abilities, only mine are red!

**Three-man boy band:** We are now on the roof of a different building!

**Purple stuff:** *might be destroying the city now*

**Three-man boy band:** We are jumping into the purple stuff and destroying the robots coming out of there!

**Robots:** *flood them*

**Not!Ignis:** *holds up a barrier while Not!Prompto uses ice magic and Not!Noctis plunges through and reaches out for an upside-down Not!Lunafreya*

**Not!Lunafreya:** *almost manages to grab his hand before her purple magic is broken by a giant robot grabbing her out of the air*

**Not!Noctis:** *lands, pissed*

**Not!Lunafreya:** Oh look. Another woman you have to save. How...refreshing.

**Even biggerer robot:** *lands in front of the three dudes and powers up its blue claw weapon thing*

**Not!Noctis:** Oh yeah? Well I don't just have a laser sword, you know. I also have a laser _crossbow._ *fires it at the camera as it zooms in on his blue eye*

**Verum Rex title card:** Y'all confused yet? Don't see why, this is pretty much exactly how Toy Story 2 started.

**Play Plus:** *is actually a pretty cool parody name for the PlayStation*

**Everyone playing this:** ...Nomura's _really_ salty about being kicked off FFXV, isn't he.

**Gigas action figures:** *are so cool it's a wonder Andy didn't have a couple considering that all this is supposedly canonical to the Toy Story universe*

**Old square box television set that probably couldn't have played that trailer in HD so what** _**did**_ **we just watch:** *is shut off*

**Rex:** Fuck's sake, Woody.

**Woody:** *walking past and holding an A block* Sorry not sorry.

**Hamm:** Seriously, how did Andy never get of those.

**Rex:** Maybe he's just not a huge weeb like I apparently am. Some people just don't like JRPGs and that's fine.

**Hamm:** Yeah but _giant robot toys._

**Rex:** ...Yeah I'm out of ideas.

**Woody:** *spots some wisps of purple smoke on the floor*

**Rex:** So I thought Yozora would be kind of a douchebag emo type – the Sasuke hair certainly didn't help – but he actually grew on me pretty quickly— *is tackled to the other side of the bed with Hamm by Woody*

**Hamm:** The hell, man!?

**Woody:** Shut up!

**Buzz:** *falls down on the bed next to them* Are they back?

**Woody:** _I SAID BE QUIET, BUZZ!_

**All four toys:** *peek over the side to see a bunch of Toy Trooper Heartless*

**Woody:** Okay, we're gonna attempt to fight these guys today. And by we I mainly mean me and Buzz. Y'all ready for this?

**Rex:** NOPE!

**Hamm:** Every day with this...

**Woody:** *looks over at the green army men and a Hidden Mickey on a chest of drawers on the other side of the room*

**Green army men:** *signal that they're ready*

**Woody:** *signals back at all of them*

**Buzz:** Okay, let's do this.

**Toy Box title card:** THIS MUSIC THOUGH. DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE NOT NOSTALGIC AS SHIT RIGHT NOW.

**Sora:** *is under the bed and very confused* Boy does that yellow ball with the blue stripe look familiar...Why is it so big, though? Why are either of these balls so big? The hell are we right now and is the Dickbutt somehow parked under here or something? *looks up at the bottom of the bedside table and we get our first look at toy!Sora for those of us that didn't obsessively watch every trailer* ...Hold up, are we tiny? And also somehow plastic?

**Donald:** My automatic transfiguration must have deemed inanimate objects to be the dominant species on this planet. Hence us being action figures right now.

**Sora:** Hang on, I had subtitles turned off for a second despite _you_ being in this game, what'd you just say?

**Donald:** I said just fucking roll with it.

**Sora:** Kinda don't wanna, the crotches on these types of action figures always made me extremely uncomfortable. As does the shape of basic underpants in general, really.

**ShieldEcho:** How did I not realize I was ace until 2018.

**Goofy:** Hey guys, feel like doing our fucking jobs or what? *points at Heartless*

**Sora and Donald:** Oh. Yeah, we could do that. *summon weapons and run up to attack them*

**Woody:** How did we neither see nor hear any of that. Anyway, let's move on three. One, two...

**Buzz:** *is somehow the only one to notice the newcomers* Wait! *lets loose his wings to help him stop everyone and after the end of Toy Story 2 I am unable to see that feature as anything other than him metaphorically popping a boner*

**Rex:** *nearly falls off the bed*

**Woody:** Nani the fuck!?

**Buzz:** *just continues to look at the floor*

**Woody:** ...Oh.

**Sora:** *sets about killing them all* HOLY FUCK I CAN USE THE ICONIC PIXAR BALL TO MURDER MONSTERS THIS IS THE BEST GAME. *finishes killing them all* YES, AERIAL RECOVERY, FINALLY. FUCK.

**Goofy:** That seems like an amazing ability that you didn't use in multiple areas that you could've done before.

**Sora:** RIGHT!?

**Hamm:** Any of you see these guys before?

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *vanish their weapons and turn to see Woody, Buzz, Hamm, and Rex walking toward them*

**Rex:** Holy shit...HOLY SHIT! _INCONCEIVABLE!_ *pushes past everyone else to get to Sora faster* Fuck, fuck, I'm blanking on the name in my excitement—

**Hamm:** Yozora! The guy we were literally just talking about!

**Sora:** ... _Sora._

**Buzz:** *aims a red laser light at Sora* We have the entirety of this room memorized. We have _not_ seen them before. They could very well be more of those intruders.

**Rex:** *glomps Sora* I loved you in Not Final Fantasy Versus XIII!

**Woody:** Quit nuzzling him, Rex, you don't know where he's been.

**Rex:** Ah, he's probably too new to have been messed with yet; these action figures just hit the market! Yet they're already selling way better than the Star Command figures ever did!

**Hamm:** Andy's mom could've bought them for him a while back and they just didn't gain consciousness until now. Which could be plausible, we don't really know how this works, everyone kind of just goes with it 'cause it's a fun idea.

**Rex:** Also they _killed_ the intruders. Don't you _want_ them on our side? I bet they could do some detective work while they're here; an outside perspective never hurt anyone! Don't you want to find out why Buzz's laser is actually a weapon now, or why we're the only living-ish things left on the planet aside from those monsters?

**Buzz:** Dude. We just met these people. Why do you automatically assume they'll solve all our problems for us.

**Woody:** Thinking pose.

**Buzz:** ...For real?

**Woody:** So you're Andy's new toys?

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** We're what now?

**Woody:** I will never once ask to see your feet, even though I probably should.

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** ...Name could easily be mistaken for that of a dildo, and on top of that he's got a foot fetish. Oh yeah, this is gonna go great...

**Woody:** The only thing I'm focusing on right now is the part where you can fight monsters.

**Goofy:** Those ones are called Heartless.

**Donald:** And yes, they are quite evil.

**Sora:** We've been fighting against them for well over a year now, though it feels like considerably longer.

**Rex:** Called it!

**Hamm:** Heh!

**Woody:** ...Rather be with ya than against ya!

**Buzz:** Wait what?

**Woody:** You're hired! I'm Woody. *holds out his hand*

**Sora:** Nice to meet you! *takes Woody's hand*

**Buzz:** I have some understandable reservations as to this plan.

**Sora:** *still holding Woody's hand* My name's So—

**Rex:** YOUR NAME IS YOZORA AND NOTHING WILL EVER CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE!

**Sora:** ...It's actually Sora and I'm a little sick of being referred to as the wrong name, frankly.

**Donald:** We exist, too! I'm Donald.

**Goofy:** I'm Goofy!

**Buzz:** And I see no one vouching for either of you, isn't that interesting...Fuck it. I'm Buzz Lightyear.

**Hamm:** I'm a pig, name's Hamm, hi how ya doing.

**Sora:** Your voice is _incredibly_ familiar.

**Hamm:** I fucking bet!

**Rex:** And I'm Rex, and I'm still living in the delusion that you're who _I_ say you are! In fact, I've been playing your game for months now!

**Sora:** This just got really meta. Also is it spelled like Reks from FFXII?

**Rex:** Nope, just standard R-E-X.

**Sora:** So there _is_ an X in your name...I feel like that should be a way bigger deal...

**Rex:** So I got you and most of the party up to level 47 by sleeping at Galdin Quay a whole bunch to get double XP, but I heard there's a place in Altissa that'll triple it so I've been holding off for now by making you wear the Nixperience Band. I'm hoping it'll get up to seventy-something at least because I've been doing a _lot_ of side missions. Also Slinky's been playing; he's tried to do all the bounty hunter sidequests but he sucks even worse than me, and I have tiny babby arms. Oh, Slinky'd be even more excited to see you than even I am, I bet! It's a pity that he'll never be in this game, though.

**Green army men:** We're all here suddenly as well, sir! *all salute*

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *reflexively salute back*

**Aliens:** We're riding a skateboard because we can!

**Donald:** You nearly killed me!

**Alien One:** *waddles up to him with the other two* Strangers!

**Alien Two:** From the outside!

**Alien Three:** Welcome!

**Sora:** ...I have so many questions as to how shit works—

**Donald:** Nope. Don't do that thing where you try to tear apart the mythos with logic. That's how you get the live-action _Beauty and the Beast._ For once in your pedantic-ass life, just let this shit go.

**Goofy:** Yeah the way this planet works just falls apart more and more the deeper you try to delve into it. Just repeat to yourself it's just a film; you should really just relax.

**Sora:** Fine, fine, I'll tone it down to just a few questions. For example, are all toys throughout the multiverse actually alive, or just the ones on this planet, 'cause if it's true of everywhere then this makes Kairi and Selphie stripping and tying up their Barbies seem even more fucked up than it was initially...

**Goofy:** Holy fuck what happened to those two.

**Sora:** I don't think anything; Kairi told me and Riku that she and Selphie got told about puberty and sex when they were both around eight just in case either of them got their periods early. Kind of hard to tell someone their body's prepping itself for a baby without talking about how babies happen in the first place, you know? I think it was just that preteens or young teenagers who've only recently discovered how sex works will do weird shit with their human-shaped outlets to try and give themselves a visual on this new information they don't fully understand. Also Selphie's been obsessed with that jump rope for a _while_...Anyway, the thought of the toys being _alive the whole time they were doing that_ is the part that's fucking with me right now. Shit, do fast food toys count?

**Woody:** Oh most definitely.

**Sora:** *thinks back to all the ones he'd attempted to flush down the toilet or threw off the sides of bridges and cringes with guilt*

**Woody:** *cheerfully* Also any small toys that have been eaten are completely and totally aware of their surroundings throughout the entire experience!

**Sora:** *thinks back to all of Tidus's antics and cringes even harder*

**Buzz:** *walks up to him* Okay, I'd like you to clarify your previous statements a little more than not at all. Now I, as a toy, was never actually a part of Star Command, but for a while I truly believed that I was. Is it a similar situation in your case?

**Sora:** HOOOOO boy this'll take some time to explain—

**Donald:** You mean that thing we can't do?

**Sora:** And I instantly clam up.

**Buzz:** ...Yeah, this is raising a lot of red flags over here.

**Sora:** ...Anything weird we say is a bunch of backstory nonsense that was either in an early draft before it was discarded by Definitely Not Nomura and/or it was mentioned offhand once in an item description somewhere?

**Rex:** I'm convinced! I rarely look at item descriptions anyway except for Soulsborne games!

**Buzz:** And I am decidedly _not_ convinced. You're gonna have to do better than that.

**Woody:** Buzz, stop asking legitimate questions. Just do what everyone else on every other planet does and instantly trust them at face value. Also I'm still mainly focused on how good they are at killing things; I would like to not be destroyed by a bunch of monsters, please.

**Rex:** Seriously.

**Hamm:** Not all of us suddenly got laser powers overnight, you know.

**Buzz:** I mean I get that, but...

**Sora:** So are the Heartless a recent thing or have they been around for a while?

**Woody:** Recent.

**Buzz:** They showed up right after all the people and most of Andy's toys disappeared, leaving just the thirteen of us behind.

**Sora:** Fuck's sake, Xehanort.

**Donald:** Did they want to cut down on NPCs?

**Goofy:** Maybe, but they already poured so much love and care into this level...Hmm...

**Woody:** *looks up briefly at the window* It wasn't always this lonely. One day we woke up, and we were the only toys left here.

**Hamm:** Even the lawn gnome from next door is missing!

**Woody:** Nobody's heard from Mom, Molly, Andy, or even Buster... *goes and sits on an O block and looks on the bottom of his boot* It's a good thing none of us need to eat; what fulfills us is human companionship, and we've got none of that now.

**Sora:** Being used to hanging out with people on a daily basis and then suddenly not being able to interact with them must be tough.

**Woody:** Sure is. *gets up and joins the rest of the toys* Andy's the best friend that toys like us could ever hope to have.

**Sora:** Right. Because no other child exists. Got ya. Anyway, have you tried going outside of this room on the off-chance they might still be present in some form?

**Woody:** Of course not, why would we do that?

**Sora:** ...Well is there any indication that they went on vacation or something, or did they just disappear from this plane of existence?

**Woody:** Oh yeah, I completely forgot to mention that other thing.

**Hamm:** ...Fucking how, it's kind of important.

**Sarge:** We need to lay all our cards on the table, sir.

**Rex:** Wait, what're we talking about?

**Buzz:** The guy in a cloak that came with the intruders, Rex. His cloak was black...kind of like this guy's clothes...

**Sora:** My clothes are black and _red,_ thank you. Also there's a plaid motif this title, that's somehow important, right?

**Buzz:** Not really. He's about all our height, so the only reasonable conclusion is that he's a toy as well.

**Sora:** Merlin we're stupid, why is it taking us so long to piece things together.

**Donald and Goofy:** WAIT DOES HE MEAN AN ORGANIZATION MEMBER!?

**Woody:** Oh, so you've met.

**Sora:** Probably, maybe, unless they were at Castle Oblivion in which case I don't remember. They, uh, kind of want to destroy the universe we think maybe.

**Buzz:** You don't seem very sure. Also I'm suspicious as to how you're acquainted with this other threat.

**Sora:** Look. The hooded person controls the monsters, therefore he's an enemy. It's not that hard. We got this.

**Woody:** No you don't.

**Sora:** ...I thought you were one of the ones who just blindly trusts us for no reason.

**Woody:** You misunderstand. We want to help. It's our friends we're talking about, after all. *holds out his hand* Is it cool if – wait for it – you get both myself _and_ Buzz as added party members?

**Sora:** Oh fuck the hell _yes_. *takes Woody's hand again, and there was much rejoicing* Okay so where do we start looking?

**Woody:** Not a clue. Sarge, you got anything?

**Sarge:** Okay so evidently we _have_ gone outside and into town on occasion; I say we go to the toy store.

**Woody:** Okay. All we have to do is collectively go outside and through the neighborhood to what should be a crowded toy store and hope that the entire planet _is_ in fact devoid of people so that none of us get picked up or resold or even spotted.

**Buzz:** ...Or we could, y'know, _not_ do any of that. What if Andy and the others come back while we're gone? That's usually the rule, isn't it?

**Sora:** I miss your Spanish mode...

**Woody:** Buzz, us leaving could be the trigger that gets them all to come back! And at least we'd be doing something besides watching Rex and Hamm drive around all day!

**Buzz:** That _was_ getting pretty boring... *turns to the others* Fine, whatever, let's go.

**Goofy:** C'mon, let's head over to the toy store!

**Donald:** Get a move on!

**Sora:** I CANNOT EQUIP AERIAL RECOVERY FAST ENOUGH WHY DID IT TAKE THIS LONG I PITY ANYONE WHO HEADS TO CORONA FIRST. *equips Aerial Recovery* Yes I know I'm playing Critical this time shut up I'm making a point here.

**Donald:** Sora, we have to get to the toy store.

**Goofy:** Hurry, Sora!

**Sora:** Yeah I'm aware, let me have a proper look around, this room is _insanely_ impressively done. Also why doesn't that Mickey watch clock thing over there count as a Hidden Mickey. *takes his time observing everything and taking all of the pictures before talking to the toys themselves*

**Rex:** I am so starstruck. Your game is my absolute favorite!

**Buzz:** I certainly hope we find some answers at Galaxy Toys.

**Woody:** You ready, Sora? Next stop: the toy store!

**Sora:** Hang on I need to zoom in on your arm...Yep, patchwork sew job, called it. _Nice_ detail, that.

**Woody:** You wanna take my picture? All right.

**Sora:** Oh, I, uh—

**Buzz:** Make sure you get my good side.

**Sora:** ...Meh, need at least one of both of you for the last Moogle photo mission anyway... *takes pictures of just those two because they're the only ones that matter on this planet*

**Hamm:** Hey, whaddaya know. I'm talking to _the_ Yozora!

**Alien One:** Helpers.

**Alien Two:** From the outside.

**Alien Three:** Welcome.

**Sora:** I just noticed the Green Army Men are nowhere to be seen, that's weird. Oh well. So which window should we jump out of?

**Woody:** It honestly doesn't matter.

**Sora:** M'kay. *jumps out onto the roof and is immediately attacked by Heartless* FOR FUCK'S SAKE I WANT TO TAKE IN THE PERFECT RECREATION OF THE BACKYARD FROM TOY STORIES 2 AND 3.

**Donald:** When _does_ this take place.

**Goofy:** The Aliens are here and also Woody's visibly had his arm fixed so between 2 and 3. Which is probably why Woody's so okay with leaving Andy's room behind, since he's already had the revelaiton that he's not gonna be Andy's toy forever and he's beginning to make peace with that until he very much doesn't.

**Sora:** Surprised there was no mention of Jessie or Bullseye. _Especially_ Jessie, I honestly kind of wanted Buzz to justify his attraction to her beyond “If only there was a female version of Woody but with _big titties_ so I could harbor secret fuck fantasies about _him,_ but without it being gay.”

**Donald:** You know he'd deny everything. This is the same group of toys whose treatment of that Ken doll from Toy Story 3 was...less than optimal.

**Goofy:** Yeah, just because he was designed to be flamboyant it doesn't change the fact that as a manufactured matched set with Barbie he is also manufactured to be coded heterosexual.

**Sora:** Why _were_ all these lumps of plastic and felt coded heterosexual; a dinosaur, a pig, a dog, and a potato didn't _need_ to have implied boners at the sight of a bunch of female dolls. Like I can see how Woody and Bo having a _romantic_ relationship is certainly possible, yet the dialogue between them in earlier movies suggests one of a sexual nature. None of these things have genitals and therefore should also be lacking in sex drives (unless they were made for a certain purpose, obviously). Is it because this series was created by a bunch of cishet men who only know how to react a in certain not-great way toward women...?

**Donald:** *is still thinking about the Ken doll thing* You guys hear about the best selling Ken doll?

**Sora:** Earring Magic Ken? Why yes I have and I kind of want one myself just to say I have it. Except not anymore because there's a chance he might be sapient as well and would resent me for just sticking him on a shelf to giggle at every once in a while before getting bored and throwing him out, fuck, never mind. *groans loudly* Do you have any idea how many grown-ass adults I know who still hang on to some of their favorite toys because “What if Toy Story's real”? This series fucked up an entire fucking generation! “When Somebody Loved Me” still makes me bawl like an infant! FUCK YOU, PIXAR, NOW I'M AFRAID TO BUY TOYS!

**Woody:** ...So we've been standing on this roof for like five straight minutes and honestly the things you're discussing right now are kind of freaking me out, can we, like, move it along before I start agreeing with Buzz?

**Sora:** Oh, right, sorry. *jumps down, kills even more Heartless, and winds up in the street staring at a car with the license plate A113* Hey, that's not Andy's mom's car! Or did she get a vanity plate so she could be in on the Pixar inside joke or something? Also it is fucking _gorgeous_ out here and there are _so many free ingredients for Little Chef holy fuck._

**Goofy:** Hey, Sora. I think the trampoline will take us back to Andy's room.

**Sora:** Glad _you_ found a way to get back up there, I'm just gonna run up walls, it's more fun.

**Woody:** Okay, first thing we gotta do is head down the street. Galaxy Toys is on the other side of town. 

**Sora:** ...Why can we get there from either side of the street, shouldn't we just be heading down the one direction?

**Woody:** It's _fine._

**Galaxy Toys:** *looks like a bigger and more elaborate building than Monsters, Inc. but then again we are fucking tiny right now*

**Everyone:** *reacts with awe* Awww. *I said _awe_. A-W-E* Oooooh. *that's better*

**Sora:** It's a good thing there weren't any cars to deal with the entire way here lest we be forced to hatch a scheme involving orange cones in order to cross that would result in hundreds of thousands of dollars in property damage and a few hospital visits at best!

**Woody:** ...That was oddly specific—

**Sora:** No it wasn't!

**Rex:** *leads the way in excitedly*

**Hamm:** Hey Rex, can we slow down? May I remind you that some of us are carrying over six dollars in change!

**Sora:** Try tens of thousands of munny.

**Hamm:** I'm good.

**Donald:** This place is huge and we get to explore all of it. This... _might_ be my favorite planet in this game?

**Sora:** ...Fuck, you might be right. I don't think it's my favorite planet ever, that's still Symphony of Sorcery, but it's definitely _way_ up there.

**Goofy:** Think mine's still a toss-up between Atlantica from KHI and Halloween/Christmas Town from KHII.

**Sora:** Also strong contenders. Need one more for a top five—

**Donald and Goofy:** World That Never Was.

**Sora:** _Yeeees._ Wait where does Twilight Town go then.

**Woody:** Getting freaked out again.

**Buzz:** THANK YOU.

**Sora:** *hastily points to the giant red Gigas: Power Class* So why aren't those ones sapient?

**Woody:** I guess it hasn't figured it out.

**Sora:** ...The fuck's that supposed to mean!? HOW DOES THIS PLANET WORK.

**Donald:** It's _fiiiiiiiiine._

**Rex:** We're gonna meet some new toys! I'm both excited and panic-stricken!

**Young Xehanort:** Hello, friends. Fuck you. All of you. *Apparates on top of the giant gumball machine-shaped toy dispenser thing in the center of the store*

**Sora:** Hey, didn't we meet in a dream one time?

**Young Xehanort:** Interesting way of phrasing that. *snaps his fingers and several Toy Trooper Heartless appear; one takes control over the nearest Gigas and makes it land in front of them*

**Woody:** ...Okay if it's a mecha I don't actually know if it would ever gain a mind of its own. Then again, if a fucking _spork_ can...

**Hamm:** Who cares, when _is_ Andy gonna get one of these, he should have every model if they're not too expensive, which they probably are—

**Gigas: Power Class:** *moves to attack him*

**Hamm:** Oh no.

**Sora:** Look out! *summons Ultima and goes to try and help him*

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *block the Gigas's arm claw thing while Woody gets Hamm out of the way*

**Young Xehanort:** One heart's shadows fill the emptiness of another, waking him up inside. See how they bring them to life? Like Heartless and Nobodies, they fit together.

**Woody:** Don't just think 'cause you're a girl I'm gonna take it easy on ya!

**Sora:** Nah he answers to male pronouns, he's just unreasonably pretty. Also what the fuck is wrong with you...also also I just noticed there are no female-coded characters in this entire level apart from like one loli doll. That's, uh...

**Young Xehanort:** Still here, by the way.

**Sora:** Yeah but why, though, this has nothing to do with the seven vs. thirteen battle for the universe!

**Young Xehanort:** Actually it might. Though I doubt it'll come to visible fruition until the DLC. Also this is either yet another data version of the world, or we just made an alternate universe, because we can do that now. And then we kidnapped certain beings to see how they'd fare under these new, isolated conditions. It seems to be working out for us so far. The plot is super thick. And viscous. *opens a Dark Corridor*

**Sora:** What the fuck are you talking about!?

**Young Xehanort:** Have _fuuuuuuun!_ *leaves*

**Gigas: Power Class:** *throws off Sora, Donald, and Goofy, respectfully, into the air*

**Other toys:** *are cowering behind the display*

**Buzz:** *on the floor with Donald and Goofy* Woody! What's going on? Is this toy a friend...or foe?

**Woody:** ...It just tried and is continuing to attack us, what do you think.

**Gigas: Power Class:** *fires its gun in their general direction*

**Everyone:** *runs and hides*

**Donald:** *peeks out from behind a display with Goofy* Sora, do the thing!

**Goofy:** Yeah! If those things are built to be mechs and the Heartless can figure out how to pilot one in the space of a few seconds, there's no reason why you wouldn't be able to as well!

**Sora:** *peeks from behind yet another display with Woody* Wait, what're we talking about?

**Donald and Goofy:** *point to a blue Gigas: Speed Class that hasn't been taken over yet*

**Sora:** ...I fucking love this game. *runs up to the blue Gigas: Speed Class, temporarily learns high jump for the sake of launching himself into the cockpit, jumps down automatically, reads a brief tutorial on how this shit works, and immediately lays waste to everything in his path* Okay so why is it that when I destroy the Gigas it only actually kills the Toy Trooper inside of it, but when the Heartless/other Gigas destroy _my_ Gigas it's destroyed for realzies?

**The Gigas: Speed Class he was piloting:** *is destroyed*

**Sora:** Fine by me, I prefer the purple Gunner Class anyway. Also this is _exactly_ why I equipped Ultima for this planet. *uses a combination of Ultima's Shotlock and varias Gigas to murder everything*

**Original Gigas: Power Class:** *slouches over; cockpit opens and releases the Heartless controlling it, which promptly dies and vanishes*

**Sora:** *hops out of a Speed Class no matter which model he'd been using when the fight ended*

**Buzz:** So it was possessed? It didn't try to attack us because it was unaware of its toy status?

**Sora:** You okay?

**Buzz:** ...Yeah, just some foreshadowing.

**Woody:** Can we go back to the part where that cloaked guy was talking about alternate realities, 'cause I think I lost the plot.

**Sora:** So I've been to at least one planet where this has happened before; me, Neku, and Rhyme were in one half of Traverse Town while Riku, Shiki, and Beat were in the other half, and yet we were still essentially in the same space. The only difference is, that was kind of sort of a _dream,_ I don't know how they're accomplishing the same thing here, unless this is inside yet another computer or something.

**Buzz:** Cut the bullshit. You are not a video game protagonist, you are an _action figure._ You are a child _plaything._ The real world can't be so simply divided between one reality and the next. I am done listening to this nonsense. *starts to walk away* Come on, Woody, I need to hear someone else say something that actually makes sense.

**Woody:** Buzz. You can shoot lasers now. There are monsters that show up out of nowhere and can control other toys. The entire human population has seemingly vanished. An alternate reality may seem a little out there, but...well, so does the idea of a Space Force.

**Buzz:** You mean Star Command; a Space Force would be ludicrous, only a moron would pitch that. And we both agreed that my delusions were _delusions_ and that I should _stop_ believing in any of it. Yet now you're telling me that I should start believing in someone else's delusions just because they can kind of fight good? I don't think so. I'm heading home. Are you with me or not.

**Goofy:** Somehow I thought we were friends with everyone by now, even though it's only been like ten minutes or less.

**Donald:** In your defense, that _is_ how things usually work.

**Sora:** Folks, I know nothing makes any sense, even with our out there explanation, but that's the point, isn't it? Something is clearly wrong, and all we want to do is fix it. Also it's for the sake of safety that we all stick together; it would be easier to protect one another that way.

**Woody:** What they said. They're willing to help us, so I say we just _let them help us._ They've done a decent enough job so far, haven't they? Come on, every toy deserves a fair shake. Am I right?

**Buzz:** *points to the red Gigas* Tell it to that toy over there.

**Woody:** ...Damn, if only something would happen that would get me out of this awkward conversation—

**Sarge:** Sir, we lost Rex.

**Woody:** Oh good—I mean oh no!

**Sarge:** *points up at the second floor* My men say that the next place we gotta go is a specific store on the second floor, sir! Also Hamm and the Aliens are missing, no idea what happened to them.

**Woody:** A fetch quest to save everyone, huh? Figures. Okay, let's go. *starts to run off*

**Sora:** Okay but can we help, though? You _just_ talked up how useful we were.

**Woody:** *stops and runs back to Buzz* Well, Buzz? Do you really think we can save our friends on our own? We didn't get very far before. We gotta take all the help we can get.

**Buzz:** *stares at floor*

**Goofy:** Sora's really strong, and Donald actually heals people when he's supposed to now!

**Donald:** Not speaking up for your yourself?

**Goofy:** Of course not, I have zero redeeming qualities.

**Sora:** You are the smart one. _We have been over this._

**Goofy:** Now you're just being polite.

**Sora:** I'm really not. Also you can make spaghetti.

**Woody:** See, they're meeting all our standards! Am I right, Buzz?

**Buzz:** ...Okay, fine. We do need the extra help. But just so we're clear: I remain skeptical about this. I'll work with you until we find our friends, and then we're done. *walks past them*

**Sora:** Good enough for me!

**Woody:** Hey, _I'm_ appreciative of the help, Obligatory Trio Namedrop.

**Sarge:** We're going to head back offscreen until we're needed again, sir! *marches off with his troops*

**Everyone else:** *heads to the weird gumball machine thing*

**Buzz:** *activates his wings* Okay how do _humans_ get to different floors, I see no stairs or elevators.

**Woody:** Hey remember the thing with the rocket from the first movie?

**Buzz:** You mean the thing we routinely utilize as part of our special team attack with Video Game Protagonist over there?

**Woody:** Yeah, it sure would be swell if we could use it outside of battle in order to reach high places.

**Buzz:** ...So why don't we. *deactivates his wings*

**Woody:** Iunno.

**Goofy:** Maybe if we find some balloons, we can _float_ to the top!

**Sora:** Oh please no, I am nowhere near emotionally prepared for an _Up_ level...

**Donald:** It's not like they'd take from the first ten minutes, it'd be some jungle shit.

**Sora:** Touché. So anyway, I can use a technique called Flowmotion to slide up those weird marble rails, I don't know what you people're gonna do.

**Woody:** You get yourself up there and we'll teleport next to ya like any other NPC would! C'mon, everyone!

~Okay but staring around at all the fake names for games and toy brands and things is super enjoyable, they clearly had a lot of fun with this level and it shows.~


	11. How Exactly Has Sora Managed To Survive Without Eating Anything Before This Game

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **My state doesn't allow early in-person voting and the federal government has successfully destroyed any faith I had in the post office so next week's gonna be a TREAT:** _My Hero Academia, Undertale,_ the former Super Best Friends Play channel, _Deadpool, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Square Enix.

~Until the battlegates happened this planet was my favorite way to level-grind early on.~

 **Donald:** I hope the toys are okay.

 **Goofy:** *about the weird gumball machine thing* Say, this looks like a way in.

 **Buzz:** Hmm...these rails...

 **Woody:** Yeah, and each one leads somewhere different.

 **Sora:** Oh no.

 **Goofy:** 'Sup?

 **Sora:** I am intending to visit every store available _except_ for the one we have to enter, which means exploring the entirety of the third floor, and also level up a whole bunch which means exiting the store over and over. Which means Buzz and Woody are going to repeat those two lines a _lot_ and potentially not even realizing it.

 **Buzz:** Oh we realize it, we just want to annoy you.

 **Sora:** Oh. Well fair enough, then. *is on the third floor and hits a helium thing because the balloons contain munny or something* Whoa! Hey, what happened to my voice?

 **Goofy:** Hey, you sound funny. Gawrsh, so do I!

 **Buzz:** What!? Well, this is rather embarrassing.

 **Woody:** Get a load of me, Buzz! I sound like an Alien!

 **Donald:** So do I! ...Hey.

 **Sora:** Oh cool, a Flan mini-game that doesn't make me want to chuck my PS4 across the fucking room! *plays the Strawberry Flan mini-game until he has minimum ten strawberries, which also has the added benefit of respawning Heartless even if it doesn't respawn ingredients found in conveniently forgotten Chinese takeout boxes*

 **Goofy:** Gawrsh, I'm kinda worried about our new friends.

 **Donald:** Get a move on!

 **Sora:** I'm working on it!

 **Woody:** We gotta find those missing toys.

 **Buzz:** As if missing Andy wasn't enough, now we've got even bigger problems.

 **Sora:** I'm on it, I just want to make sure we're strong enough to handle whatever's coming first, is that okay!? *gets to level twenty-five before finally heading to the second floor to advance the plot*

 **Everyone:** *walks into Action Plus and are big impressed by the selection*

 **Woody:** *sees a dinosaur tail and immediately assumes it's green despite being visibly blue and red* Yo Rex! *runs toward it to find nothing* ...Okay I'm pretty sure I saw something head that way.

 **Buzz:** Are you sure about that?

 **Woody:** I just said I was—

 **Sora:** Both of you shut up, I think I hear an incoming mini-boss fight.

 **Everyone:** *regroups*

 **Goofy:** Hey everyone, I think I see the top of a new enemy over the tops of these boxes.

 **Buzz:** I have a bad feeling about this.

 **Supreme Smasher:** *Detroit Smashes the boxes over, revealing itself*

 **Donald:** *tries to run but the store closes itself somehow*

 **Supreme Smasher:** Grr. Arg.

 **Sora:** So when toys are possessed by darkness, they gain Heartless emblems. That's convenient.

 **Buzz:** *looks concerned but is filled with determination and points his laser at them*

 **Sora:** So you'll help us fight, then?

 **Buzz:** I have been fighting alongside you this entire time now. Why should I stop just because it's a boss fight? *beat* Also they maybe kidnapped Rex, who I actually give a shit about.

 **Sora:** Aww. Oh shit.

 **More Supreme Smashers:** *appear* 'Sup.

 **Sora:** ...WELL OKAY THEN.

 **Supreme Smashers:** *are, like, actually child sized. As in the size of small children. They can't be the biggest sellers, I can see plenty of parents saying no on the grounds of shit not being able to fit in the house*

 **Sora:** *once again uses a combination of Gigas piloting and Ultima Shotlocks to totally cheese the Supreme Smashers* I think we got 'em all! *vanishes Ultima*

 **One last Supreme Smasher:** Are you sure about that.

 **Everyone:** HOW DID WE MISS ONE.

 **Rex:** HOW DID I GET ON THIS PLANE. *is spinning around on a toy airplane hanging from the ceiling so fast that the plane breaks off of its cable and slams into the Supreme Smasher, dislodging the Marionette Heartless that was controlling it, which is then landed on by Rex* Oops.

 **Marionette:** *glares at Rex*

 **Rex:** *runs away in fear*

 **Sora:** *runs up and destroys the Marionette in one swing*

 **Woody:** Okay, one down. Good shot by the way, Rex, they're _never_ that easy to kill.

 **Goofy:** Can we have _you_ on the party, I'm still not sure what Woody even does to help fight.

 **Rex:** You really think I could be a good fighter?

 **Buzz:** Absolutely. Your only issue is confidence, and also extreme cowardice.

 **Rex:** Hooray! Oh that makes me so happy! *to Donald* Were you watching too? Did you see what I did?

 **Donald:** *waves him off* Yeah, good for you.

 **Woody:** Rex, would you shut the fuck up for five seconds!?

 **Rex:** *had still been droning on* Sorry what?

 **Sora:** We still have to track down everyone else. You seen anything?

 **Rex:** Well since I was the first to be taken, not really.

 **Buzz:** Good, how useful.

 **Woody:** Ballsack...

 **Sarge:** *is climbing down the store shutter thing*

 **Woody:** Do _you_ know where we should look next?

 **Sarge:** *salutes* Sir! One of my men just located Hamm forward of our position, in Babies & Toddlers.

 **Everyone else:** WE'RE COMING, JOHN RATZENBERGER!

 **Sarge:** Also you might have to track down some of our men as well.

 **Everyone else:** ...Joy...

 **Buzz:** Any idea where we should start on _that_ front.

 **Sarge:** Apparently our bits of plastic contain actual working radios; right before I lost contact, I heard music with some sort of sonic interference.

 **Buzz:** Okay but where in a toy store would we possibly be able to find anything that emits a melody...

 **Goofy:** I feel like there are some Heartless whose designs are based on something musical...or am I thinking of that one boss Unversed from Terra's section of the Cinderella planet?

 **Sora:** The Symphony Master? Yes you are.

 **Goofy:** Damn.

 **Donald:** So are _we_ gonna have to fight another mini-boss Heartless?

 **Sora:** Why not, it never stopped us before.

 **Woody:** Okay, let's go.

 **Rex:** *hands back* ...So Buzz's accurate statement about me being a huge coward got me thinking that I should probably stick to the Galaxy Toys entrance save point where it's safe. Though if Hamm asks about it let's just go with me being too big for the vents. *shakes head sadly* You'd think with all my video game experience, I'd be feeling more prepared.

 **Sora:** Wait we're gonna go through the vents? I thought we were gonna find a way to open the shutter just like the Heartless had found a way to close it, possibly with my _magical key that can literally unlock anything._

 **Buzz:** Now that would just be ludicrous. Also semi-patronizing statement about needing a look-out at the entrance should any humans decide to spontaneously come back and find a bunch of havoc being wreaked on the upper levels. It's not gonna happen, but on the off-chance that it does...

 **Rex:** I will be ready and waiting! Got it! *mysteriously vanishes as soon as gameplay starts again*

 **Sora:** Hooray for exploring! *explores this particular store a little* THIS DISSIDIA FINAL FANTASY DISPLAY IS THE FUCKING SHIT YOU GUYS WHY CAN'T THESE FIGURES COME TO LIFE AND WHY CAN'T _THEY_ BE SUMMONS INSTEAD SO I'D ACTUALLY BOTHER TO USE THEM.

 **Donald:** You don't even play Dissidia.

 **Sora:** I CAN APPRECIATE THINGS I HAVE NO DIRECT INVOLVEMENT OR INTEREST IN. Also can I just say that walking up walls and shelves makes this game so fucking fun, _especially_ on this planet.

 **Goofy:** *glitched so that he was eternally falling in between two boxes on an upper shelf and why yes I _did_ get photographic evidence*

 **Sora:** *plays a game of Rock 'Em Sock 'Em I mean “Rumblin' Time”* Yes! I win! *immediately consumes the Strength Boost he'd just won, and eventually stops dicking around to enter the lower vents* Wonder if this would technically qualify as the obligatory sewer level in any other game. *eventually enters a section of the vents with a fan that blows them backward whenever it's activated and has to kill all the Heartless blocking it before any of them have a chance of making it through*

 **Woody:** We gotta slip through when the fan's stopped.

 **Sora:** … *slow claps*

 **Buzz:** Now, go, go, go!

 **Sora:** I'm going, I'm going! *slides _down_ into the upper vents, because that makes sense, and gratefully saves before moving on*

 **Woody:** *leading the way out of the vents* This is Babies & Toddlers which I either know about from Andy taking me along while his mom shopped for Molly or I can just guess from the fucking selection. So are we gonna check the whole store, or...?

 **Sarge:** Wait why's the camera focusing on me.

 **Goofy:** 'Cause I'm about to ask you where the music you heard was coming from.

 **Sarge:** We've been over the part where I don't know, right?

 **Sora:** Buzz is right. *looking around the store* I have absolutely no idea what kind of toy created for the smallest of small children would have some kind of melodious element!

 **Goofy:** Exactly how dumb _are_ you.

 **Donald:** I am completely clueless as well!

 **Sora:** We'll never figure it out!

 **Goofy:** I'm gonna die surrounded by the biggest idiots in the galaxy.

 **Woody:** *watches Sora, Donald, and Goofy's antics with Buzz* They may be completely hopeless morons, but they seem all right otherwise.

 **Buzz:** Well you wouldn't have trusted them otherwise. *looks at him* And I know that your trust is a hard-earned treasure.

 **Woody:** ...Do we fuck? Is that a thing, is there fan shit where we fuck?

 **Buzz:** Probably, but I'm too lazy/not interested in confirming that and am absolutely refusing to examine my affection for Jessie that deeply. Also you better be right about these guys being all right, or we're probably dead. *walks away* I'll let things slide as long as they continue to fight good, at least for now. And now it's time for me to steal the thunder from that Arthur meme as I clench my fist as I'm filled with determination at the thought of getting Andy and the others back.

 **Woody:** Sounds good to me.

 **Sora:** *finds a takeout box on a shelf leading down* ...Why am I collecting the leftover olive oil pooled at the bottom of a takeout box. Then again, I have done dumber things for less reason.*hops down to the floor, wiping out all the Heartless he sees*

 **Marionette Heartless:** *possess a bunch of Patchwork Animals and Bouncy Pets*

 **Sora:** I wish to own at least one of all of these, especially that blue elephant.

 **Donald:** Okay for real aren't you a little old for plushies?

 **Sora:** *cuddling the fluffy Stitch plushie that he got at Disney World* LET PEOPLE ENJOY THINGS!

 **Donald:** No. I refuse.

 **Sora:** *glancing around the store* Honestly I don't know if toddlers are ready for these kinds of plastic dolls but then again I know fuck-all about kids anyway. *after exploring the entire store sees a record player and jumps on the record itself* Is this it? Is this the only object in all of the store catered to the smallest of small children that is able to emit a sound? *arbitrarily starts running on the record in order to make it move and to make the shit attached to it also move* Oh hey, that one theme I'm not too find of, neat.

 **Woody:** Come on, Sora...You've never used a record player?

 **Sora:** I don't even know if the Destiny Islands had any kind of music player—Whoa!

 **Woody:** *gets up on the record as well* If it won't turn on on its own for some reason then two toys have to make it move by running on it I guess.

 **All of the instrument-playing animals that are somehow attached to it:** *start playing*

 **Donald:** ...Is this all for sale as one unit or is it just a set-up display to entertain the kids while they're here?

 **Goofy:** Who cares, as long as they got it working.

 **Bunch of frogs:** *are still playing instruments*

 **This:** *would have been a perfect time for a _Meet the Robinsons_ reference unless it is and it's just been that long since I've seen it*

 **Buzz:** *to Donald* Wait, did that sound off to you?

 **Donald:** ..Sure?

 **Sora:** *stops running* Well that's weird...Ack! *nearly spins into Woody who's still running and starts running himself again*

 **Goofy:** Hey Sora, wanna go beat up some weird frog things?

 **Sora:** Always! Woody, can you make this thing keep turning on your own? *jumps off before waiting for an answer* ...Heh heh, wonder if I can just leave him here. *tries to leave but doesn't make it more than a few feet* CURSE YOU, INVISIBLE WALLS!

 **Donald:** We don't want to go _that_ way.

 **Goofy:** Sora, we don't have time for side trips!

 **Sora:** Fuck your skull. *goes up to the tuba playing frog which is the only one transparently acting weird* This is the one! Obviously!

 **Woody:** *is still running on the record*

 **Goofy and eventually Donald:** *are now beside Sora and the blue, tuba-playing frog*

 **Goofy:** *looks into the tuba first* Wow. Something's stuck inside the tuba. Gasp.

 **Sora:** On it. *sticks his hand in and pulls out a Green Army Man* Okay, I did it. Give me a thing now. *places him on the floor*

 **Sarge:** Corporal! *jumps down to their level and waddles up to him* You all right, son?

 **Corporal:** Yes, sir.

 **Buzz:** Okay so we got the guy who got lose trying to find our other lost guys. Surprised we didn't lose anyone else along the way again...

 **Sora:** Hey, glad to have you back, but did you manage to complete the task at hand?

 **Corporal:** *has his arm swung over Sarge's shoulder* Yes I did, actually. But when I tried calling it in, a giant hand grabbed me, and it stuffed me in there.

 **Sarge:** You fell in, didn't you.

 **Corporal:** ...Please don't tell anyone.

 **Sarge:** Fine by me, just report Hamm's location.

 **Corporal:** There's a large chance they moved him after I lost sight of him. *starts to limp away but falls over* I'm made of plastic and nothing's broken, how am I injured.

 **Sarge:** I don't know but I think you should go wait by the entrance with Rex. *helps him stand* These men can take it from here.

 **Donald, and Goofy:** *salute*

 **Sora:** *puts his left hand over his chest with his arm perpendicular to the floor* Glory to Mankind!

 **Corporal:** *is moved to little plastic tears*

 **Sarge:** I'm gonna take him to Rex, you guys have fun tracking down Hamm and the Aliens. *pause* I'm beginning to think most of us should have stayed home.

 **Woody:** *is _still_ running on the record*

 **Sarge and Corporal:** *salute him before jumping down*

 **Woody:** Can I stop running yet!?

 **Sora:** ...Am I the only one vaguely amused by him still having to run?

 **Buzz:** You are not, but it would be cruel of us to make him keep going. Woody! You can stop now!

 **Woody:** *jumps off the record and doubles over, panting heavily* Why do...I need to gasp for air...if I don't have lungs... *collapses on his hands and knees*

 **Buzz:** Quit being a pussy. Get up so we can get Hamm. *runs off*

 **Woody:** *tiredly salutes and resigns himself to more gameplay*

 **Sora:** Hold up, I'm worried about this upcoming boss fight. *takes a deep breath* For the very first time in this franchise, aside from that party at the end of 3D, I'm going to _eat a food._

 **Donald and Goofy:** Le gasp!

 **Donald:** Wait can we even eat in these forms?

 **Sora:** *eats a Caprese Salad, Comsommé+, Eel Matelate+, Filet Mignon Poêlém, and Fresh Fruit Compote+* Apparently. Oooh, an entire half hour, neat. Okay, good to go! *goes near a dollhouse that has begun to shake that definitely was _not_ shaking before*

 **Buzz:** Wait, do you hear something?

 **Woody:** I think it's coming from over there!

 **Sora:** ...You two sure are observant. *goes up to the wobbly doll house and presses triangle*

 **Woody:** *is suddenly tugging on one of the seams with everyone else lined up and tugging on Woody. That came out wrong. Or did it*

 **Dollhouse:** *opens, sending everyone flying backward*

 **Hamm:** Talk about cabin fever.

 **Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** _Great_ Muppet song and also kind of topical at the time this was written and probably still should be.

 **Hamm:** ...Sure. Thanks for the save. *comes walking out*

 **Woody:** *crawls up to him* You okay, Hamm?

 **Hamm:** Yeah, aside from being locked in. You get used to not being able to leave pretty quickly, frankly, I don't know what everyone's been complaining about aside from just boredom/having to deal with other people all the time if you're unlucky. *motions behind him to the decked-out dollhouse*

 **Donald:** *checks it out* I always get a kick out of tiny furniture and I don't know why.

 **Angelic Amber:** *looks through the window of the dollhouse* Hey.

 **Donald:** Hey—WAK! *causes the dollhouse to shake again*

 **Woody:** What was...

 **Buzz:** What's wrong?

 **Hamm:** Do none of you notice that massive Norted doll right in front of us!?

 **Sora:** How do you even know that term—

 **Hamm:** She's the one who pig-penned me!

 **Woody:** Hamm, you have no fighting ability, kindly piss off.

 **Hamm:** No need to tell me twice!

 **Buzz:** Is every single toy going to get possessed or what.

 **Sora:** Less talking, more fighting. *mostly uses the Ultima Shotlock as always* ...Okay maybe I overprepared for this fight. *defeats it* FUCK YEAH HIGH JUMP.

 **Angelic Amber:** *slumps against the shelf and becomes lifeless once more*

 **Everyone:** *runs away from it except for Buzz who stops and looks back at it*

 **Buzz:** Brushing aside the part where I still don't get what makes toys come to life, are the rest of us gonna end up like her eventually? I know these aren't the only toys we'll ever fight over our lifetimes, but these guys...just turned evil out of nowhere. And now they're all unconscious again, like they were never alive to begin with. Is that gonna happen to us too?

 **Sora:** I'm gonna be an optimist and say no.

 **Donald:** Seconded.

 **Goofy:** Y'all are too badass for that to ever happen.

 **Buzz:** Those Gigas and other monster toys, and even the loli doll over there, were all pretty badass in their own rights, and look what happened to them. *walks up to them angrily despite Woody's protestations* What if either myself or Woody or any of the others suddenly turn evil out of nowhere? What if you end up beating the stuffing out of _us?_ What if we just don't wake up again after—

 **Woody:** *puts a hand on his shoulder* Bro, calm down.

 **Sora:** Seriously. The Heartless – the darkness – can only creep in when our hearts falter. So these other toys just stopped believing in themselves or got depressed or some shit. So as long as you have zero doubts whatsoever and keep a positive outlook on life every second of every day, you'll be fine!

 **Buzz:** That second part is not how the human emotions we were somehow endowed with work.

 **Woody:** So just focus on the first part. You always get the job done no matter what, and also FRIENDSHIP IS THE GREATEST MAGIC OF ALL. *tips his hat to Buzz*

 **Buzz:** ...That was cheezy as shit, but I kinda liked it. Okay, I'm filled with determination once more.

 **Sora:** *aside to Donald and Goofy* Honestly, with all of Woody's issues with narcissism and jealousy making every single movie in this series kind of the same “coded white man has mid-life crisis” story, I kind of expected him to be the one to fall to darkness in the end.

 **Donald:** Way to subvert expectations, game!

 **Goofy:** Yeah, I actually really like the slow burn throughout the level.

 **Sora:** Same.

 **Woody:** All right, it's only the aliens left, I think. *looks up at the window and climbs up to it, accepting Buzz's help up because despite him being the first one to start climbing he was somehow the last one up*

 **Donald:** ...Well that makes sense.

 **Goofy:** Guys, I think the aliens are on that flying saucer maybe.

 **Flying saucer:** *floats down the third floor*

 **Woody:** *opens the window of the store because that's possible somehow and motions for everyone else to move*

 **Hamm:** Hey Woody, I'm gonna hang out by the entrance so you won't have to worry about me anymore.

 **Woody:** Good idea. Just try not to run into the multitude of Heartless that keep showing up on your way down. *hops down*

 **Hamm:** Hey, thanks, buddy. You just take care of your old self. *leaves*

 **Woody:** One more stop presumably. Y'all ready for this?

 **Sora:** Oh yeah, thanks to all the detours I made you make we're already very familiar with the Play Place. *leads the way and stops off at the save point before heading inside*

 **Aliens:** *reaching out to the flying saucer*

 **Alien One:** We desire to be captured!

 **Alien Two:** We fully consent to this!

 **Flying Saucer:** *lights them up and prepares The Claw*

 **Buzz:** Stop!

 **Sora:** Don't!

 **Woody:** Come back!

 **Aliens:** *being pulled up by the claw* Please do not rescue us!

 **Flying Saucer:** *starts to fly away*

 **Woody:** We have to go and rescue them!

 **Sora:** You are correct in that assessment! *beats up the flying saucer plus all the surrounding Heartless and Gigas, potentially endangering the Aliens in the process*

 **Donald:** It's too fast!

 **Woody:** Hold on...I think I see a pattern to how it moves.

 **Goofy:** You think there's a way to hit it from far away?

 **Buzz:** Perhaps if we use the cannons on those mechs.

 **Sora:** Or magic or Shotlocks. *does a combination of all three*

 **Buzz:** Almost there!

 **Sora:** Okay now I get why all the trambampolines are here for, this is actually kinda fun. *wins yet another mini-boss fight* SHIT YEAH THUNDER MY FAVORITE SPELL THIS IS THE BEST PLANET.

 **Flying Saucer:** *collapses in a heap*

 **Aliens:** We are over here now!

 **Alien One:** You have saved our lives!

 **Alien Two:** We are eternally grateful!

 **Sora:** *picks up one of the Aliens* Sorry I trashed your ride.

 **Alien One:** ...Meh.

 **Alien Two:** We can still go back to Andy's we guess.

 **Alien Three:** We even came up with a shitty name for the place!

 **Aliens:** The Chamber of Andy!

 **Buzz:** They bring up a good point. I think we should head back. We got everyone, we don't have a reason to be here anymore.

 **Sora:** Okay but I want to stop all the toys in here from being possessed, and also you forgot the part where this isn't even the real world. Which I think might explain the lack of Verum Rex merch in future Toy Story movies; maybe that game doesn't exist in reality.

 **Buzz:** Yeah I never believed any of that shit for a second and you know it. And even if it is true, what if your realities mesh back together while we're gone? What if we're not there when Andy gets back? _Again?_ I'm going back to his room to wait for him. No more debate. You with me, Woody?

 **Woody:** Hmm...You're right, Buzz. We did in fact get the gang back together. Everything went according to keikaku. We probably should head back home.

 **Sora:** If you say so. We could've used a full party for the final boss battle of the area, but we're used to three person parties.

 **Goofy:** The Organization and the Heartless have always been our problem anyway.

 **Donald:** Plus with me actually figuring out how to heal people when I'm supposed to, we'll handle the final boss no problem.

 **Sora:** Oh yeah, then why do I still have to resort to Rage Mode sometimes?

 **Donald:** It's not my fault you lose HP faster than I can recharge MP!

 **Sora:** Whatever. *jogs up to Woody and Buzz* Can we at least walk you guys back to the entrance, make sure everyone's good to go and that no one else attacks you on the way?

 **Woody:** That would be great, thanks.

 **Sora:** Just gimme a quick sec to set up my shortcuts for probably the rest of the game minus the Caribbean section. *sets up Circle as Ethers 'cause you can fucking buy them, Triangle as Thunder magic, Square as Water magic, and X as Cure magic* Yep, I'm comfortable with this.

~Hey, finally got my stimulus check while editing this! It's fucking October! How efficient and well-handled!~


	12. Leave Xehanort To Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **HI! I CAN'T FUCKING BREATHE! HAVE A DISTRACTION:** _Dragon Ball Super, Family Guy, Kung Pow: Enter the Fist, Harry Potter, 2001: A Space Odyssey,_ the former Super Best Friends Play channel, _JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, War Games, Avatar: The Legend of Korra, Undertale, Super Smash Brothers Ultimate, Heavy Rain, My Hero Academia, Firefly,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Square Enix.

~Hey remember when physical strategy guides were things before everyone checked online FAQs and YouTube? Pepperidge Farm remembers.~

**Woody:** Okay, Sarge, make sure everyone's here.

****Sarge:**** Sir yes sir! Everyone line up for the usual bullshit!

**Everyone:** *lines up*

**Buzz:** *walks down the line* Sarge, four other army dudes even though there should be five so I guess the Corporal's somewhere else...Hamm, three aliens...Fuck, where did Rex go this time.

**Hamm:** Oh he left. He's a little more obsessed with Verum Rex than I am so he went out to prove Sora's from that game and that you can trust him because of it.

**Buzz:** ...When we get him back, I'm chucking him into a furnace myself. *looks over at Sora, Donald, and Goofy*

**Sora:** Well of course we'll help. Wouldn't want _him_ taken over by the Heartless due to his constant insecurities, though I'd say he's doing a decent job keeping the darkness at bay by being proactive like this.

**Woody:** Well good, that saves me the time it'd take to ask, though it does deny me a chance to say the Obligatory Trio Names again.

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** All the more reason to just get on with it!

**Woody:** I tip my hat to you three! *tips his hat to those three*

**Goofy:** Hamm said Rex was in the video game section.

**Sora:** He really only implied that but whatever.

**Donald:** Oh boy, let's go!

**Sora:** *just goes right up to the third floor because yay new store to dick around in*

**Everyone:** *enters the High Score Game Store*

**Rex:** *is on top of the Verum Rex display and jumps down with a copy of the game in his hands, shoving it in Sora's face* No I did _not_ learn my lesson from Toy Story 2 about how endangering the group to look up video game lore might be a bad idea! Also check out this thing I found.

**Sora:** *stares at the box* ...This guy's way hotter than me. Also his hair is silver. The clothes also have a plaid motif I guess? I technically do as well but it's super minimal.

**Woody and Buzz:** *walk further into the store for some reason, looking up at a VR banner...Verum Rex can be abbreviated as VR. Oy vey*

**Other side of the banner:** *shows a large image of Yozora, a totally throwaway made-up character that will have zero impact on the plot moving forward*

**Woody:** Okay so at least one of them is from a video game. Not sure who the other two are, but it does prove they might be good guys; unless it's got morality choices, the protagonist is rarely the villain. Also you were in doubt about them being toys before somehow I guess, even though these guys talk and none of the other enemies do.

**Buzz:** I still don't know...

**Woody:** I implore you to reconsider.

**Buzz:** Hmm. Okay!

**Sora:** *to Donald* I thought your automatic transfiguration decided how I look on each planet. Why am I from a video game now aside from meta jokes?

**Donald:** Probably that exactly, considering you _are_ a video game character, just not _this_ video game character. Otherwise I'm sure it's not important and never will be.

**Goofy:** Honestly this guy looks more like Riku, especially after his latest hairstyle change.

**Donald:** I feel like _he's_ the real Not!Noctis.

**Sora:** ...I don't really feel like you're all that wrong...

**Donald:** Right?

**Buzz:** Okay, the band's finally back together again, so can we please leave now?

**Rex:** But this is a time before widespread online FAQs and YouTube tutorials, so strategy guides are not only useful but essential! Can't I at least see how to get the Sword of the Tall from Costlemark Tower, I was on the verge of a panic attack on my last attempt and I just want some clarification as to how the maze is actually supposed to work. *rummaging through strategy guides until he finds the right one*

**Buzz:** ...You know you don't have to one hundred percent complete _everything_ in the game, right? *pats Rex's snout*

**Rex:** But sometimes I feel like I _need_ to, though... *walks sadly away from the pile of magazines he left on the floor*

**Young Xehanort:** *floats down* What, not gonna sign up for a rewards membership?

**Sora:** *turns* Hey Xehanort. *summons Keyblade and rushes forward with Donald and Goofy*

**Young Xehanort:** The planet's not over yet. I still have to check something.

**Sora:** Look, these guys haven't done anything. They have no idea what's going on. Just take your beef out on us like always and leave them out of it.

**Young Xehanort:** I'm sorry, Sora. I'm afraid I can't do that. But could you do me a favor?

**Sora:** Depends.

**Young Xehanort:** Could all of you keep your attention fixed on me so no one notices the Marionette creeping up on the spaceman over there?

**Marionette Heartless:** *slips inside Buzz, possessing him*

**Rex:** You okay, Buzz? When did you start emitting evil black smoke, is that a new feature?

**Buzz:** *aims his laser at Woody's head*

**Woody:** *sees this* ...Buzz, are you all right? You're worrying me with your behavior.

**Goofy:** I AM THE GREATEST MEMBER OF THIS TEAM. *runs in front of Woody and blocks Buzz's laser with his shield*

**Woody:** I can't believe it! The guy who showed the most visible signs of missing Andy and fearing that he'd suffer the same fate as the other toys here was the most susceptible to being taken over by the creatures whom we were told thrive on negative emotions! WHO COULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING!

**Goofy:** Probably everyone. *blocks another laser blast*

**Sora:** *to Young Xehanort* Excuse me, sir. Excuse me. I'm here to fuck you up. *runs up to Young Xehanort and tries to slash down at him*

**Young Xehanort:** *kept using what I thought was teleportation but was probably Time Stop 'cause I keep forgetting he has The World and that's one of the more fun ways of using that stand to fuck with people* Did I not mention that I was testing the toys to see if the Replica program would continue to function as desired, I feel like I did. *walks by Sora again and disappears again before Sora can land a blow* On this planet, toys are alive somehow, and their hearts can grow as they develop bonds with their slave owners I mean children I mean slave owners, as well as the bonds they create with each other. *uses Time Stop again just in time to reach the top of a display case* We wanted to see what would happen if all their friends disappeared and they slowly lost hope over time. When they are worlds apart, can cloth and plastic hold onto their hearts?

**Sora:** *jumps up and slashes at him again but he's too fast*

**Young Xehanort:** Imagine if this planet had been available back in Days, how far the program could've truly been taken...Anyway, nothing causes fear and jealousy quite like a new friend or three to divert one's time and energy away from their old ones, eh? *teleports away from a series of Sora's blows* Honestly I expected _Woody_ to be the one filled with despair; as mentioned it happened before and will indeed happen again, after all. But either would suffice, as long as your prolonged exposure and your pathetic attempts to maintain the status quo drove their distrust higher and higher. Just look at the damage you've caused.

**Donald and Rex:** *are trying to hold Buzz back*

**Donald:** Sora? Could use an extra hand here!

**Rex:** My tiny arms are _not_ that strong, people!

**Goofy:** I don't know how long I can keep blocking these laser blasts!

**Woody:** *adjusts hat* Well at least Buzz isn't aiming any higher, I'm quite taller than you...

**Sora:** Shit, hold on, I'll— *is grabbed by the Keyblade arm by Young Xehanort* ...Wouldn't _this_ be a good time for me to vanish my Keyblade, summon it in my other hand, and slash you across the stomach...

**Young Xehanort:** I bet it would have. *summons a red energy ball and blasts Sora into a monitor playing the Verum Rex demo*

**Sora:** *wakes up on a metal floor and gets up to find himself in some kind of nighttime factory setting* ...What the fuck just happened.

**Young Xehanort:** *voiceover* Oh you're in a video game now. I'm trapping you in here, in the place everyone thinks you came from, in order to stall you while I continue to do whatever I want. 

**Sora:** My ass can take a lot of punishment, sir. You don't seem to be aware of this.

**Young Xehanort:** I know, this is also meant to showcase the difference in our power levels so you can feel better about yourself and how you've improved as a fighter when you easily kick my ass later, again. *Disapparating from outside* Also yes you _will_ have to repeat this mini-game with a specific high score in order to get the trophy for it.

**Sora:** Ah shit. *sees a bunch of Gigas lumbering toward him* Welp, looks like the only way to win is to play. Hopefully I'll be able to escape if I beat the game... *jumps in to the nearest Gigas and starts blasting shit* ...Fuck, I don't think I can level up from this, I only get points for the mini-game. So is this the new Olympus Coliseum except just this one game and I can avoid it for the rest of time except for obsessive trophy attempts? 'Cause that is an _enormous_ weight off my back. *goes around destroying Gigas after Gigas, breaking the glass floor and setting off explosives whenever he can and swapping out mechs whenever he has to*

**Prime Gigas:** *appear*

**Sora:** Spectacular. Oooh, tiny ones, those're cute.

**Final Golden Gigas:** *rockets in from space*

**Sora:** _Please_ tell me this one's actually the last one I have to beat. Oh it is, good. Wonder if that was Chapter Thirteen or something, that wasn't exactly the most fun I could've had...

**Pixel Heartbinder:** *is a stark reminder that there's a Wreck-It Ralph section of the mobile game and that I aggressively don't care; my only regret is leaving before I could dress up as Vivi like I would've done for the rest of the game*

**Sora:** *pops back out of the monitor and does a superhero landing* Hey gang, what'd I miss.

**Donald and Goofy:** Buzz getting kidnapped.

**Woody:** Also the Green Army Men aren't visibly in this shot but never mind that now. Are _you_ okay?

**Sora:** I am and I'm not looking forward to replaying that for either journal completion _or_ trophies. Yourselves? Aside from Buzz?

**Goofy:** We're fine. Buzz stopped attacking us eventually and went down a Dark Corridor.

**Sora:** Bugger.

**Woody:** Sora, you clearly know more about this shit than we do. How do we save Buzz?

**Sora:** No idea how to physically get to him; my version of the Keyblade can't open that shit.

**Woody:** Slump.

**Sarge:** We're here now! Also about that Dark Corridor...

**Woody:** How are _you_ familiar with those.

**Sarge:** We're not, we just saw a shadowy portal of evil in the Kid Korral, figured it was weird enough to fit the description of whatever it was that you were talking about. We can infiltrate from a window inside Babies & Toddlers except no we can't it's through the Play Place why is this a line so may people were confused and had to risk spoilers by looking up guides out of desperation this is so fucking bullshit WHY DID I SAY THAT.

**Woody:** *leans down* Hey, the point is is that saving Buzz is possible. Sora, wanna help?

**Sora:** Always!

**Rex:** Please promise you'll bring Buzz home!

**Hamm:** You must've been in that game a while if I managed to clamber my way back up here!

**Alien One:** Journey safely.

**Alien Two:** Farewell.

**Alien Three:** Fucking leave already.

**Woody:** All right, already! Don't worry. We're going to get our friend back.

**Donald:** We have to rescue Buzz!

**Goofy:** C'mon, fellas!

**Sora:** Hey everybody, watch me fuck it up. I'm gonna fuck up real bad. *fumbles around for way too long before realizing that Sarge gave him the wrong location*

**Woody:** Sora, look! *points to an open window at the back of the Play Place* That must be the window Sarge mentioned.

**Sora:** GOOD THING HE GAVE US THE WRONG LOCATION SO THAT I COULD WASTE TWENTY MINUTES DOING NOTHING. Meh, probably wrote the script before designing/laying out the game and forgot to go back and change it. *goes through the window and sees that the real entrance was blocked by blocks* The entrance was blocked by blocks?

**Woody:** Well we _could_ physically go over there and lift them one by one ourselves, but who'd even want to do that when I somehow know that the Gigas robots have levitation technology that have been somehow mass produced for giant toys instead of being used exclusively by military and/or construction holy fuck this is a fake world you're totally right.

**Sora:** Fucking told you.

**Goofy:** I kind of just realized that these child-friendly toys are swearing a whole bunch.

**Sora:** Well yeah, there aren't any preschool toys present anymore, they can get away with it.

**Goofy:** Good point.

**Donald:** Wait why do we need to open the door at all, can't we just keep using the window like we do with Babies and Toddlers?

**Sora:** Hey, I need a tutorial for the rest of this section of the planet.

**Donald:** Good point. Sora, do the thing.

**Sora:** *does the thing*

**Donald:** Hey look, I found the thing. *points out some evil dark smoke coming out of a vent way up by the ceiling*

**Sora:** Fuck, I psychically know that I won't be able to Flowmotion up the wall.

**Woody:** Okay, use the Gigas to build a climbable thing out of these blocks. Not anything straightforward, though, like stairs or a walkable stretch of wall or a makeshift ramp; no, you should do a fanservice.

**Evil Gigas:** *appear and immediately surround the blocks with evil energy*

**Sora:** Of course. *is back in the mech that he uses to destroy other mechs*

**Woody:** Huh, what about over there?

**Sora:** You mean this giant pile of blocks over here I was _just_ about to move? *eye twitches as he does the thing again*

**Blocks:** *move up to the roof of the ball pit and form a weird angular shape that does not yet reach the swirly blackness*

**Goofy:** We'll need more than that.

**Sora:** Yeah no shit.

**Goofy:** Hey, there's some over there.

**Sora:** I didn't even notice the shit on the floor level, I'm going through the crawlspace area. *makes his way through to the top level*

**Donald:** Look, Sora! Blocks!

**Sora:** I noticed.

**Heartless:** *pop up and prevent you from moving them until you go all the way back through and defeat all of them*

**Sora:** Well that was aggravating. *does the thing again*

**Blocks:** *float out the window of the crawlspace and are added to the tower of blocks to kind of look like a giant number five*

**Donald:** Getting closer.

**Sora:** Okay, where else... *goes behind the ball pit* Heh, I didn't even notice this area. Digging all the soft dice blocks that I can _erase from existence by shooting at them with my giant robot,_ that's neat. *kills more Heartless and moves the last of the blocks*

**Blocks:** *form a beautifully familiar shape*

**Cactuar:** *plays an eight-bit Final Fantasy victory fanfare as it tips over and its arm reaches the vents*

**Donald:** Bam. FF representation. Don't say we're not inclusive 'cause we totally are.

**Sora:** *eyes legit watering* I now have a new text alert.

**Goofy:** You mean it's not right now?

**Sora:** It's currently Prompto singing it and the plan was to change it to Barret singing it; actually, I'm not sure which of the three I like more...

**Donald:** Barret.

**Goofy:** Barret.

**Woody:** Barret.

**Sora:** Barret it is!

**Goofy:** Well the vent just opened up, so maybe figure it out later?

**Sora:** As soon as I get a selfie with that thing and unknowingly fulfill a future Moogle ploto mission.

**Woody:** Fucking millenials – we've got a legitimate emergency going on here – one of our friends has been kidnapped and all you want to do is take a fucking selfie!?

**Sora:** Duckface! Wait I can't do duckface, shit. *stops having fun and starts to run up the cactuar* Okay it is _very_ difficult to do this diagonally and switch angles on the fly, San Fransokyo's gonna be fun later... *saves and checks food status* I should actually have enough energy left from food to get me through this final boss fight for this planet, neat, I should eat food more often. *walks up to the Dark Corridor* Was this the thing Buzz went through?

**Goofy:** Did you not hear me say “Dark Corridor”—

**Woody:** Yep.

**Sora:** *deep breath* Okay, let's fight the boss and be done with this planet. And maybe save Buzz.

**Donald:** You sound like you _want_ this planet to be over.

**Sora:** Nah, I just wanna see other planets equally badly. Also yeah, maybe a little fatigue started to set in back at the doll fight. *leads the way through and suddenly they're running into a large smoky indigo void that Buzz is apparently powering as he's floating horizontally in mid-air with shit coming out of him* Well. That's not a good.

**Young Xehanort:** *is standing before Buzz, facing the others*

**Sora:** Oh, _please_ tell me we get to fight you here and get it over with.

**Young Xehanort:** Look...Such tremendous darkness. He'd finally accepted his place as a toy, finally fit in to the role he was literally made to play, to service a young child's happiness for as long as the child would have him and kind of make the unfortunate argument of “no you don't understand they _like_ being slaves” which is more than a little fucked...and then it was all taken away from him.

**Woody:** That happened to the rest of us too, and _we_ didn't fall to darkness...yet...

**Buzz:** I'm unconscious!

**Woody:** It's gonna happen to me right now, isn't it.

**Sora:** No it's not. *walks forward* The key to getting through to anyone in this series is by repeating the same friendship speeches to them until it's so ingrained that they won't be able to ignore it any more. Example: Distance doesn't matter when it comes to these toys being separated from Andy. It never has, and it never will.

**Donald and Goofy:** What he said!

**Sora:** _Time_ will end up separating them from Andy eventually, but never distance. No matter how far away it gets, a child will always miss a specific lost toy; even if it gets replaced, there will always be something off about it. Until said child grows out of it and forgets it, of course, but that could take years, and it's only been a few days for these toys.

**Woody:** *looks at Andy's name on the bottom of his boot, then at Andy's name at the bottom of Buzz's shoe; it fills him with determination*

**Buzz:** *floats upward on a stream of darkness*

**Young Xehanort:** Let me guess: Because friendship is the greatest magic of all? I mean, sure, but it's kind of boring at this point, isn't it? Also I think that if light is powered by friendship, then darkness can be powered by solitude. And I believe darkness is far more powerful; you've met my future Heartless, you know I think that darkness is the heart's true nature.

**Sora:** Essence.

**Young Xehanort:** Whatever.

**Sora:** Listen, every soul contains a whisper of light.

**Young Xehanort:** Yeah, gleaming faintly as it _dwindles from sight._

**Sora:** No, it grows louder as it calls to unite!

**Young Xehanort:** There's no escape, no greater fate to be made, because in the end the chains of time will not break.

**Woody:** *gently pushes Sora aside with his Leave Xehanort To Me Face™* I don't know if you can hear me over the sound of my dick not caring, but my dick doesn't care.

**Sora:** Yeah. Barely a quiver.

**Woody:** Now make Buzz go back to normal, then fuck off!

**Young Xehanort:** Or else what, toy?

**Woody:** Believe it or not, I don't consider that an insult. I was created to bring joy into someone's life; to me, there's no greater purpose than that. *takes a step forward, banishing the darkness a little bit as he does* _You're_ the weak one. And you'll never know love, or friendship. And I feel sorry for you!

**Young Xehanort:** Yeah but that line has always been terrible though.

**Woody:** True enough but fuck you.

**Sora:** *walks up beside him and slowly walks forward as well, both banishing the darkness with each step* There are hearts all around us, trying to connect. Every rock and tree and creature has a life, a spirit, a name. Your “loneliness” only made Woody and Buzz's connection stronger. That's the heart's true essence – to never, ever let go. Which can be interpreted as a little bit creepy and will definitely not mean anything bad for me personally in the near future. Wherever they are, Andy and the other toys haven't let go either; fuck, time could be stopped there, we _know_ you have weird time powers!

**Woody:** Also if you really wanted to isolate us then you should've just isolated _one_ of us instead of bringing over thirteen of us!

**Young Xehanort:** But I really like that number...

**Sora:** Also also why did you come to this world toy-sized instead of human-sized so you could literally play with us as you saw fit.

**Young Xehanort:** Because I'm a teenager, technically a child, had if I followed your suggestion I might've experienced a moment of actual joy, which is fairly counterproductive to my entire way of being.

**Sora:** Ah.

**Woody:** Point is, we're taking Buzz and leaving.

**Sora:** *framed by flames of darkness; he has never looked cooler than this* Xehanort, you're so caught up in finding the shadows, you forgot about the light that cast them.

**Darkness:** *parts and Buzz is disconnected from it, glowing with light instead*

**Young Xehanort:** Dafuq?

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *run for him*

**Young Xehanort:** *summons Keyblade and blocks all three of their weapons* See, this is what using Guard looks like.

**Sora:** Fascinating. Woody, now!

**Woody:** *uses his draw string to swing his way up to Buzz and grab him and land safely again like a sick badass*

**Sora:** Ha! _Fuck_ you!

**Young Xehanort:** Bugger.

**Woody's voice box thing:** _Yee-haw! Giddy-up, partner! We gotta get this wagon train a-moving!_

**Sora:** Okay for real if Woody had become mute when his voicebox had been removed in Toy Story 4 I feel like I would've liked that film a whole lot better because actual consequences are fun.

**Buzz:** *wakes up* ...Dude get the fuck off me.

**Woody:** *obliges, collapsing next to him*

**Buzz:** What the fuck just happened and where even are we.

**Woody:** Oh you got possessed.

**Buzz:** Ah. So the thing I was worried about happening happened.

**Woody:** Yeah but we're not gonna let you dwell on how you were right about everything. *holds out a hand and helps him up*

**Buzz:** Thank you, Woody.

**Woody:** Good to have ya back, Buzz.

**Donald:** Okay, you guys done eye-fucking each other yet?

**Goofy:** Yeah we're still trying to hold back the bad guy over here.

**Sora:** Any time you'd like to jump in and help...

**Young Xehanort:** *finally throws them off and sends them flying* So even empty puppets can be given strong hearts. I am going to have to remember that, and then eventually forget it when I get amnesia, become a Nobody, and give an empty puppet a strong heart.

**Buzz:** *aims his laser at Young Xehanort* Remember this – our hearts will _always_ be connected to Andy's. Yes, even when a new child ends up playing with us.

**Woody:** And that's something you'll never understand, because you're hollower than any toy.

**Young Xehanort:** Yeah sure whatever, now I know the Replica program will be a complete and total success, which is literally all I came here for. Here, have a boss fight.

**Sora:** I am getting so sick of your shit. *tries to cut through him again but only ends up slicing through darkness*

**Young Xehanort:** Hey, before I go, remember that you still need to get the band back together so we can have the final showdown like we planned. *fades completely*

**Sora:** ...Fucking hate how saving the people we were gonna save anyway is actually playing right into their hands...

**Donald:** Yeah that's nice, but now that the darkness is fading and this area's going back to normal...where _are_ we right now!?

**Sora:** How do you—oh. Yeah, this is weird.

**The area:** *is kind of like a playcity under a bright blue sky only with no visible entrances or exits and appears to be its own weird habitat in space surrounded by giant balloons of toys or some shit*

**King of Toys Heartless:** *is slowly led into view as the darkness fades*

**Sora:** Huh boy, this'll be fun...

**King of Toys:** *is very frustrating when it flies out of range; there's only so much High Jump can do and you can't Flash Step which sucks*

**Buzz:** * _definitely_ could've had more takes of his laugh during his and Woody's team attack, this is reaching JAY-SON! levels of annoying and bad*

**King of Toys:** *sometimes makes the sky go dark, creates a shield around itself, and causes a flipping tornado, making it even more frustrating to deal with*

**Sora:** Why is its only weak point on the very top of it and also why can it fly this sucks. *eventually defeats it*

**Everyone:** *is walking out of the giant Space Capsule machine thing back on the first floor where they've suddenly been teleported*

**Sora:** I'll be real, I'm kind of impressed at how well put-together all the toys still are after seeing this much action, especially Buzz and _particularly_ Woody considering he's so fragile a small child could rip his arm by accident just during playtime.

**Goofy:** At least we actually tried to attack the fuckhead before he escaped this time, even if it didn't do any good.

**Donald:** Yeah why did we keep letting everyone else go again? And why were we silent this whole time the entire way down here?

**Sora:** *stops and apology-bows at the other retreating toys* Damn it, I thought I could get you guys back to your real home. I'm so sorry.

**Woody and Buzz:** *look at each other and grin*

**Buzz:** Yep. We're stuck in an alternate dimension. I have accepted this.

**Rex:** We'll never see Andy again, I say surprisingly cheerfully.

**Hamm:** More pig jokes!

**Sarge:** We fully surrender!

**Aliens:** Why are we even here.

**Donald and Goofy:** *slump*

**Buzz:** But in this reality, we can backseat game as Rex plays a game that possibly doesn't even exist in our own reality, and hang out with actions figures from that game that wouldn't have been manufactured in the real world either. Maybe. Who knows.

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** ...Wait what?

**Woody:** *walks over to them and leans on Sora's shoulder* Just because you've gained new friends doesn't mean you're not friends with your old ones any longer, and it definitely doesn't mean you have to stop caring about them.

**Sora:** ...I recently binge-watched all four of your movies in succession and the second one is still easily my favorite.

**Buzz:** Of course it is. *holds out hand* Sorry for being such a skeptic earlier.

**Sora:** Hey, you had some really valid concerns that I'm genuinely surprised weren't brought up before. *takes and shakes Buzz's hand*

**Hamm:** Yeah, somebody's gotta be the sensible one, since Woody's always getting' in trouble.

**Goofy:** Oh, so what Donald and I have to cope with every day of your lives.

**Donald:** Does that make me and you Buzz, 'cause I wanna be Buzz, you can be Hamm.

**Rex:** What about me?

**Donald:** What _about_ you.

**Everyone:** WE ARE NOW LAUGHING TOGETHER.

**Woody:** So if we make our way back, will this entire store just fucking vanish or what?

**Sora:** Probably, but frankly it's a small sacrifice to be made if you want, you know, all of humanity to come back. Which would include Andy. Which you should _want._

**Buzz:** *puts a hand on his shoulder* We do, but we're just not in as big a rush anymore.

**Woody:** *drapes an arm around Sora* Knowing that he's in a different reality helps a lot more than you'd think. Without that, we just would've been waiting for everyone to return home one day.

**Sora:** Good point.

**Woody:** *as everyone heads to the exit* ...That being said, if you get rid of that one guy, his influence over this planet will disappear, right?

**Sora:** Basically.

**Buzz:** Wish _we_ could leave for other planets. Fuck, I _should_ be able to, I'm _from_ space!

**Sora:** Yeah but you'd probably be toy-sized, so...

**Woody:** So we can count on you to take care of it for us? *stops with everyone and points at Sora* We're kind of depending on you here.

**Sora:** No pressure, got it. Can it wait 'till the end of the game, though?

**Woody:** Sure, as long as it's an eventuality!

**Sora:** Then you got yourself an easy fucking promise! *joins in the sudden circle of toys*

**Buzz:** Wait wait wait, I haven't said my catchphrase all game!

**Woody:** All the fucking time with this guy...

**Buzz:** *points to the ceiling* To infinity... _AND BEYOND!_

**Sora:** *at the same time* Go beyond! _PLUS ULTRA!_

**Buzz:** That is nowhere near what I said.

**Camera:** *pans up to the ceiling, which fades into a starry sky*

**Toy Box title card:** Well wasn't that a fun time.

**Favorite Deputy Keyblade:** *is thing*

~...I mean better than lazily ending it in song, I guess? _Toy Story 2_ wasn't a Dreamworks movie, Pixar could've easily done better.~

**Dickbutt:** *is coasting through space*

**Sora:** *is in his seat, chilling out, relaxing all cool*

**Donald and Goofy:** *walk up to him because this thing doesn't have any fucking seatbelts*

**Donald:** So did the Power of Waking™ awaken or what.

**Buzz:** I mean, we didn't really have to _wake_ Buzz just now. So no, not really.

**Goofy:** Not to put any extra pressure on you, but it kinda _is_ the most important thing we need right now.

**Sora:** There might be something more pressing, actually. We just came from a planet where toys are alive and have hearts of their own somehow, and it made me think about how Roxas has a heart, obviously, but no body to put it in. I mean, that's the reason he's stuck in my heart right now, right? Because it has nowhere else to go.

**Goofy:** Wasn't Ienzo working on that? He was with the Organization, and everyone keeps talking about Replicas, so maybe that's a thing he's looking into.

**Jiminy:** *pops out* You have a cell phone. Just fucking call him.

**Sora:** Damn it, I was riding high and then I remembered you existed.

**Donald:** Thought you were already depressed.

**Sora:** Yeah well now I feel worse. *pulls out phone and makes a call*

**Mickey:** *answers the Facetime* Either you dialed the wrong number or I'm borrowing Ienzo's phone while we're here.

**Donald and Goofy:** *shove Sora out of the way again as they stick their faces too close to the phone* Hey boss!

**Sora:** *trying not to suffocate* Guys, you're gonna freak him out, you're too damn close.

**Mickey:** He's right, please back up. Also we're in Radiant Garden right now, where are you?

**Sora:** Somewhere in space.

**Mickey:** Neat. We were actually gonna call you guys, but you were on a planet so we thought we'd wait on the off-chance that wherever you were visiting didn't have cell phones yet.

**Sora:** I mean they didn't, but they supposedly didn't have a game with next gen graphics either, and yet.

**Riku:** *bends down so he can take the call* Hey Sora.

**Sora:** Hey, Riku.

**Riku:** You okay, man?

**Sora:** Mostly. I actually wanted to ask you about something.

**Riku:** All right, shoot.

**Sora:** In order for us to recomplete Roxas, he needs a body, right?

**Mickey:** Yeah, his heart would just be this weird floating either circular- or star-shaped-thing otherwise.

**Riku:** That does pose a problem...unless we use Replicas!

**Sora:** Yeah, one of the Xehanorts kept mentioning those, are they what they sound like?

**Riku:** Copies of people, yeah, artificial humans. You met one, didn't you?

**Sora:** ...During Castle Oblivion?

**Riku:** Which is why you don't remember, got it. So the Organization back in the day was creating fake bodies they could but hearts into. A person named Vexen followed me around for a while to the point where the Replica he made of me was so convincing that both he and you thought he _was_ me. And I think they might've tried replicating you as well, but I forget how that turned out, it was a long year.

**Sora:** Understandable. Um, can we make one that looks like Roxas? I want him to be comfortable.

**Riku:** The replica will take the form of whatever the heart inside of it wants it to...though there's a chance it might look different to different people. Don't ask me how I know that because I have no fucking idea.

**Sora:** Sounds good enough for right now! How do we get one?

**Mickey:** No idea, I'll go ask Ienzo when I return this later.

**Sora:** Awesome...Shit, Young Xehanort was testing whether or not a toy could have a heart on the last planet we were on. What could _they_ want with Replicas?

**Goofy:** I'm a little worried about that black box he mentioned.

**Riku:** *actual dialogue* Who's that?

**Sora:** ...Goofy. You've met him. Multiple times.

**Riku:** Huh? Oh, no, sorry, I meant who mentioned a black box?

**Sora:** Oh. Pete. Whom I _think_ you've met?

**Riku:** Briefly, yes.

**Donald:** Sorry we forgot to mention it last time.

**Mickey:** Hey, don't worry about it, there's a lot to keep track of and not everything will be solved in this title alone. But we _do_ need to catch you guys up on Terranort offscreen.

**Sora:** Terra got Norted!?

~One mercifully offscreen conversation later...~

**Mickey:** So in addition to Aqua and Ven, we'll also be taking care of Roxas and Naminé. You just keep traveling through Disney planets and maybe except never running into Terra, and we'll call you when we need you.

**Donald and Goofy:** *get in way too close again* You got it, boss!

**Sora:** I can't fucking breathe! *hangs up*

**Riku and Mickey:** *laugh to themselves as Mickey also hangs up*

**Mickey:** They're a bunch of idiots, aren't they?

**Riku:** *stands up* Yeah, but they're _our_ idiots.

**Mickey:** That is not as comforting as you think it is. Anyway, we apparently already met up with Kairi and Lea offscreen, so let's go stop by Ansem's study again and talk to Ienzo.

**Riku:** M'kay.

~I miss Radiant Garden, I wish we could hang out there besides being trapped in Merlin's house. Now _that_ would've been worth an extra thirty bucks.~

**Donald:** So, next planet?

**Sora:** Nah, I don't really feel like dealing with Corona just yet so I'm gonna head back, grab some more ingredients, listen to some extra dialogue, get up to level thirty because I'm insane, that kind of thing. *heads back to Andy's room*

**Sarge:** Sir! The masked intruders continue to wander about in droves. Beyond that, things are status quo.

**Sora:** Dope.

**Sarge:** Sir! My men have reported a number of powerful intruders at Galaxy Toys.

**Sora:** Oh good, I can still level up here when I figure out that Corona isn't doing anyone any favors.

**Rex:** Ooh, I'll always be your biggest fan!

**Sora:** Aww, thanks, man!

**Rex:** Please come back so we can play your game together. I've been practicing.

**Sora:** While I have been meaning to play FFXV again I'm working on completing everything in the FFVII Remake right now and probably will be for some time; Hard mode is pretty difficult, who knew. Also _Judgment,_ I got it _last_ fucking Christmas, I should probably fucking play it at some point. Also also there's this one game coming out in a couple of weeks that could well be relevant to my interests.

**Donald and Goofy:** _Spider-Man: Miles Morales_?

**Sora:** I AM SO GLAD IT'S AVAILABLE FOR PS4 AS WELL, FUCK. Oh and Melody of Memory I guess.

**Rex:** You're so lucky! I wish I could be in a video game.

**Sora:** Heh heh heh heh...eheh...

**Buzz:** Sora, Donald, Goofy — Always a pleasure.

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** Same.

**Buzz:** You've got new gear. Impressive.

**Sora:** ...You talking about the new Keyblade, 'cause I didn't change anything else. I didn't even change the Keyblade, I still use Ultima on this planet.

**Buzz:** So, have you completed your mission?

**Sora:** I think just by looking around you can see that we haven't.

**Woody:** Hey, thanks again for helping me get my friends home safe and sound.

**Sora:** Not a problem.

**Woody:** Just say the word if you want our help rounding up those masked intruders.

**Sora:** Or I could leap out the window completely silently and you'll just follow along without question.

**Woody:** Remember, you can drop by any time.

**Sora:** Shiny.

**Hamm:** Hey, thanks, fellas! You really came through for us.

**Sora:** We try.

**Hamm:** You know, if ya ever need any spare change, I'm your pig.

**Sora:** I got all the munny I need from inter-dimensional space travel, but I appreciate the sentiment.

**Alien One:** Friends.

**Alien Two:** From the outside.

**Alien Three:** Welcome.

**Sora:** Aww, we've been upgraded to friends! *goes back to Galaxy Toys for the fuck of it* Anyone else wondering where the Buzz Lightyear section of the store is, he's still an incredibly popular toy.

**Goofy:** This store looks like it sells only the new hotness and you might have to go to a more standard toy store to get him.

**Sora:** Good point. *heads up to the High Score Game Store again*

**Buzz:** Woody, I think Yozora here would make an impressive space ranger, don't you?

**Woody:** Yeah, or – even better – a cowboy!

**Sora:** ...Yep, I think I'm done, I get enough space ranger shit in my everyday life and there are very few things based on the wild west motif that I actually like.

**Donald:** *dryly* So where do you rank _Steel Ball Run?_

**Sora:** Oh second favorite part after _Diamond Is Unbreakable,_ easily.

**Donald:** Uh-huh.

**Sora:** You know what fuck you.

~Heads up: Due to the fucking name of one of the planets in this game, there are going to be a LOT of dark jokes about current/recent events in the next three chapters especially. If you've been hit particularly hard by the pandemic you might want to hold off.~


	13. SURE HOPE THE NAME "CORONA" WON'T EVER HAVE ANY NEGATIVE CONNOTATIONS!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **WELL THAT WAS THE BIGGEST SIGH OF RELIEF I EVER DONE DID. Also months ago I forced myself to sit through all three seasons of the Tangled cartoon and you WILL suffer my knowledge (also spoilers for the show and its mythos I guess does anyone even care):** _Family Guy,_ the former Super Best Friends Play channel, _Archer, JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, Harry Potter, Friends,_ Dragon Ball Z Abridged, _Kung Pow: Enter the Fist,_ Twisted: The Untold Story of a Royal Vizier, _My Hero Academia, The Princess Bride, Airplane!, Star Trek, The Hunger Games, Scooby Doo,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Square Enix.

~Heh, Rapunzel's hair's so long that you can see it from space even after she cuts it.~

**Young Rapunzel:** Gothel! Gothel! Gothel! Gothel! Gothel! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Momma! Momma! Momma!

**Mother Gothel:** _WHAT!?_

**Young Rapunzel:** ...Hi.

**Mother Gothel:** Ugh, why'd I only have that one music box...

**Young Rapunzel:** Also why can't I go outside and why is this scene being done via voice over on a black screen?

**Mother Gothel:** Because it would be too much effort to make a younger character model for just this one moment and I want to keep your magical powers all to myself, of course—I mean, because the outside world is a dangerous place. You must stay here, where you're safe. Do you understand, Physical Embodiment Of The Sun Basically?

**Seventeen-year-old Rapunzel:** *leans against the open window, sighing heavily as she wonders why the Frozen princesses got younger models and she didn't, and looks at the lanterns to relax herself* _Okay if Mother really wanted me to be ignorant of my heritage or whatever than the very least she could have done was lie to me about when my birthday was so I wouldn't be so convinced that the lanterns were meant for me. I mean, I probably would have wanted to see them eventually anyway, but this_ connects _them to me in a way that could have been easily avoided by even more lying which_ should _have come easy to her. Like, so much could have been avoided if she'd just been a better villain._

**Kingdom of Corona title card:** So they changed Moana's name to Vaiana due to copyright issues in several European countries for various reasons, but the _beer company_ was fine with Disney hijacking its name?! Ah well, not like the name itself is ever gonna age poorly...

~One year later apparently...~

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *are walking through a grassy, forested area*

**Goofy:** *shielding his eyes from the sun* Gawrsh, check out the intricate detail on my gloves, they didn't need to do that! Also _fuck_ this planet's gorgeous.

**Sora:** *stretching* Honestly, I loved the Toy Box and all, but I haven't felt this relaxed since Twilight Town.

**Donald:** Aside from this being the next available planet, why did we land _here?_

**Sora:** I mean, that's pretty much the only reason.

**Goofy:** I'm sure a plot tie-in'll present itself eventually.

**Donald:** This game _has_ been better about that so far.

**Sora:** I know we're on the clock here, but I'd like to just take a moment to breathe if that's all right with you two.

**Donald:** If the Heartless don't show up, more power to you.

**Flynn:** *yelling from off* Aw jeez, I'm being murdered!

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** Gwah?

**Flynn:** *crashes into view, landing on his ass and rubbing it in pain*

**Bizarre Archers and Puffballs:** *descend on him from above*

**Flynn:** Oh I am noping the fuck right outta here! *gets up and starts running* ...Fucking _move!?_ *barrels past Sora, Donald, and Goofy*

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *wordlessly summon their weapons*

**Flynn:** *hides behind a boulder and peaks out at the action*

**Sora:** You just _had_ to mention them, didn't you.

**Goofy:** Don't pretend you don't find grinding in JRPGs relaxing.

**Donald:** He's right, you totally do, it's your favorite way to catch up on streams and podcasts and shit.

**Sora:** This is a true.

**Flynn:** ...Okay I don't really have a weapon, mind handling these things for me?

**Sora:** Would've done it even if you _did_ have a weapon since in theory they shouldn't be as effective on these things anyway even though they always are somehow. So, yeah, you can piss off if you want.

**Flynn:** Gladly. Phew, that horse that's been annoying me for the past ten years apparently was more than enough. Don't need whatever these things are after me as well!

**Donald:** Wait, _ten years!?_

**Flynn:** *sticks his head back out from behind the rock* Yeah, there was sort of a flashback episode that revealed a teenage me and Lance trying to avoid a much younger horse, didn't you watch the show?

**Donald:** Yeah but I barely paid attention, it was pretty fucking boring.

**Flynn:** Oh, well in that case, I should probably inform you that my name is definitely Flynn Rider and nothing else. Also you should probably focus on the fight.

**Donald:** YOU'RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR! *turns back to the fight anyway*

**Flynn:** Now then, I have a secret weapon for situations such as this. _RUN FOR YOUR LIIIIIFE!_ *runs for his life, sprinting past the treasure chest that clearly holds the map for this area*

**Sora:** AW MAN, I KNEW YOU WERE GONNA DO THAT! *starts fighting shit with Donald and Goofy and eventually kills everything* Holy fuck, Aero's back in this game. I predict that I will use this spell exactly fucking once throughout the entire game when specifically prompted and then never again. Also where did Flynn go.

**Donald:** Do we care? I know we tend to befriend whoever we meet first, but do we actually care?

**Goofy:** He did go that way, if we do. *points*

**Sora:** I get that you're pointing directly at the cave where we have to go—

**Goofy:** There's a cave there?

**Sora:** —but I wanna explore first.

**Donald:** You _will_ get lost.

**Sora:** No I won't. *three minutes later, _after_ grabbing the map* Fuck, I'm lost.

**Goofy:** Flynn! Where are ya!

**Sora:** Flynn? A little direction?

**Donald:** Hey, with our obsessive need to follow everyone we've just met on every planet we've come across, are we, like, in danger of becoming stalkers? I mean I get the need to make sure Flynn's all right but it _is_ a pretty noticeable pattern.

**Sora:** Oh I'm sure it's _fine._ Now to frolic. *grabs ingredients and chests and shit before _finally_ activating a cutscene by the cave thing that's covered in vines*

**Donald:** Well that's obviously moss so he obviously didn't go through there.

**Sora:** *steps closer to the vines that you can CLEARLY SEE BITS OF CAVE THROUGH* Okay yeah, Donald's right, we don't have to obsess over everyone we meet on every planet. And I'm not just saying that because this location, beautiful as it is, is so huge and confusing that it's incredibly easy to get turned around and lost— *goes to lean his back against the “moss” and ends up falling through the vines because of course he does*

**Goofy:** ...Did Sora just learn how to teleport? *walks up to the IT IS SO CLEARLY A CAVE*

**Sora:** Okay I feel super stupid now, this is clearly a cave hiding behind these vines that just happened to grow in such a way that it's covering the entrance.*gets up and runs down the passage*

**Donald:** *pulling the vines apart with Goofy* To be fair, I could see Mother Gothel specifically growing the vines to be like that.

**Goofy:** She definitely could've covered the entire rock with them to further throw off the scent, though. *follows Sora and Donald all the way to the other side*

**Sora:** ...That is _fucking_ gorgeous, no wonder this game was the first new planet they showed off for this game.

**Camera:** *pans around him to show off the Tower before fading to black; I half expected it to zoom through a window*

**Rapunzel's hair:** *exists and is on the floor; I'd recently grown my hair out to donate and I only _wish_ my hair would have stay clumped together like that*

**Flynn:** Okay how the hell'd I get tied up like this, did we skip several scenes?

**Rapunzel:** Yes we did. *is gripping her frying pan and advancing quasi-threateningly*

**Flynn:** *skips along even further by immediately giving her The Smoulder™* How _you_ doin'? The name's Flynn Rider only it's not but never mind. And you might be?

**Rapunzel:** The fuck is he talking about. *points the frying pan at him* I know there's a chance that you only found me by accident, but there's an equally high chance that you found me on purpose, which means there's a chance that you're not the only other person who knows where to find me. So where are they? I WANT NAMES!

**Flynn:** Why, you wouldn't be able to identify them anyway.

**Rapunzel:** FUCK YOU!

**Flynn:** Whoa, lady, watch the language!

**Rapunzel:** The fuck's wrong with my English, shitheel?

**Flynn:** Right, apologies, that was uncalled for.

**Rapunzel:** Yeah no shit. And the name's Rapunzel.

**Flynn:** I'm not even gonna try to pronounce that. Also, this was a total accident. I was trying to get away from—Oh! Oh no no! No no no! Where is my satchel!?

**Rapunzel:** About that. I may have lived in isolation all my life but I've read up on gender norms and was wondering why a man would want a tiara.

**Flynn:** Easy. It makes me look and feel pretty. Do I really _need_ another reason?

**Rapunzel:** ...I suppose not. But considering your breaking and entering habits, I've confiscated and hidden said satchel somewhere that honestly would be easy to find were you given the time and opportunity to completely upend the entire tower but we both know that's not gonna happen. Also I somehow think that the shit about my hair is common knowledge so back to questioning you about it. You better not want to cut it, because that won't go over as well as you think it will.

**Flynn:** ...What are you even _talking_ about right now.

**Rapunzel:** Wait, you _don't_ want my hair?

**Flynn:** I prefer brunettes. And I think this whole thing's been blown out of proportion anyway – there was a horse. I ran from the horse. Then there were monsters. I ran from the monsters. I fell through some plant life into a cave. I ran down the cave into this clearing. I saw a tower and figured that the monsters I saw would have a hard time climbing it. _I climbed it._ And now here we are.

**Pascal:** *pops out of Rapunzel's hair and glares at Flynn*

**Flynn:** ...He _is_ a pacifist, right?

**Pascal:** *motions with his tail for him and Rapunzel to talk privately, which he can do, because Disney pets*

**Flynn:** *is still struggling frantically*

**Rapunzel:** *finishes her conversation offscreen apparently and puts Pascal back on her shoulder* You know I can still kind of feel that, right?

**Flynn:** ...Sorry.

**Rapunzel:** Meh. Wanna make a deal?

**Flynn:** Depends.

**Rapunzel:** Fresh out, Mother's currently in a younger phase.

**Flynn:** Wha...Whatever, just give me the terms.

**Rapunzel:** Check it. *tries to swing him around just using her hair but makes him faceplant instead; she ignores this and pulls back a curtain showing a painting she'd done of the lanterns* Do you know what these are?

**Flynn:** *from the floor* You mean the lantern thing they do for the princess?

**Rapunzel:** So _that's_ what they are. Well, that shit's apparently gonna happen tomorrow evening, and I wanna see them in person. You're gonna take me there, we'll enjoy the light show, and then you're gonna take me back here. Unharmed. After we get back, I will return your satchel to you. We good?

**Flynn:** Yeah, no can do. Unfortunately... *pushes the chair onto its side* The kingdom and I aren't exactly “simpatico” at the moment, so I won't be taking you anywhere.

**Rapunzel:** Hmm...

**Pascal:** *punches his fist*

**Rapunzel:** Thought you hated violence. Oh well. *hops down and drags her hair, and therefore the chair, closer to her* Something brought you here, Flynn Rider. Call it what you will – fate, destiny, the script—

**Flynn:** A horse and/or some monsters.

**Rapunzel:** —so I have made the decision to trust you.

**Flynn:** A horrible decision, really.

**Rapunzel:** I am serious. *pulls in her hair just a little bit more so his chair is leaning over again and only isn't falling because she's holding it up*

**Flynn:** ...All right, let's start from the beginning, one last time. I take you to see the lanterns, bring you back home...then you'll give me back my satchel?

**Rapunzel:** I promise.

**Flynn:** Skeptical look.

**Rapunzel:** And I promise something, I never, ever break that promise.

**Flynn:** Eyebrow raise?

**Rapunzel:** _Ever._

**Flynn:** *turns away and starts thinking to himself* Oh, what to do? I _cannot_ let her find that tiara even though she clearly already did. Okay, just think. I need the satchel and Blondie has it. And considering the main-ish threat of the Stabbington brothers is gone, and also the actual main threat of that horse for now at least, my biggest issue now is those monsters. I have absolutely no fighting prowess whatsoever except when I do, and she's expecting me to protect her...I've got it! The three guys in the funny outfits! Two of them were dressed as giant anthropomorphic animals, for Merlin's sake – was there a furry convention added to the festivities this year or something? Meh, it doesn't matter; the point is that they looked tough enough to do all my fighting for me. Don't quite know how I'm gonna _get_ them to do all my fighting for me, but I'll figure it out if/when we meet up with them again. Heh, side note: this may be the best excuse for those guys to get shoved into an existing Disney script that I've seen yet,well done them. *speaking aloud again* All right, fine, I'll take you. But on one condition: my three sidekicks come along. *throws her another Smoulder™ as we fade to black*

**Tower:** *is still gorgeous*

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *were apparently just standing there and taking in the view as that cutscene was happening*

**Sora:** Look at that. A tower!

**Donald:** Yes, Sora, both of us have fully functioning non-impaired eyeballs, _we can see that._

**Sora:** Wanna check it out?

**Donald:** Not particularly but whatever.

**Goofy:** Wonder who put a tower here?

**Donald:** Let's go find out!

**Sora:** Oh _now_ you're excited. Hmm, wonder if we can leave...Nope, damn invisible walls...

**Goofy:** C'mon, Sora. Let's go see the tower.

**Sora:** After I chat with both of you.

**Donald:** What happened to Flynn?

**Sora:** A pity we're not actually supposed to be knowledgeable about scenes that occur without us in them, since otherwise I'd be able to tell you that he's totally fine right now.

**Donald:** I want to see what's in that tower.

**Sora:** Make up your mind already.

**Goofy:** Gawrsh, I won't forget this place any time soon.

**Sora:** Hopefully we don't have another CoM situation on our hands, then. *runs around collecting chests and killing Heartless before approaching the tower* Wow, I didn't even have to come anywhere near it, did I. *looks up and sees Flynn slowly climbing down the tower*

**Rapunzel's hair:** *tumbles out of the tower window past Flynn*

**Rapunzel:** *descends using her own hair, stopping right before her feet hit the ground and very slowly and very hesitantly placing one foot and then the other onto the grass, then smiles and sinks to her hands and knees to get a better feel* It's so soft! *gets up again and starts running* I'm free! I'm really free! *runs off to presumably finish her “When Will My Life Begin Reprise” offscreen*

**Sora:** Shame, I liked that song. *runs up to Flynn who's just now reached the ground* Oh good, you're not dead.

**Donald:** I see that you still have most of your face attached to your body.

**Goofy:** Always a good indicator that you're doing fine.

**Flynn:** Well this saves some time.

**Sora:** *looks over at Rapunzel who's heading into the water* Who's that?

**Flynn:** Rapunzel.

**Sora:** Why does that name sound familiar.

**Flynn:** I'm sure it's nothing.

**Rapunzel:** *is busy splashing in the water*

**Flynn:** You know how Quasimodo was never allowed to leave Notre Dame?

**Sora:** Yeah that was some bullshit, why?

**Flynn:** I think we got a similar situation going on here, only instead of a giant cathedral we got this one tiny-ass tower.

**Sora:** _Fuuuuck._

**Flynn:** Tell me about it. Indulge her in a short montage?

**Sora:** Of course!

**Rapunzel:** *bursts into song*  
 _Seems like I've spent my whole life hopin'_  
 _Dreamin' of things I've never tried_  
 _Tangled in knots just waitin'_  
 _For my time to shine_  
 _What if the doors began to open_  
 _What if the knots became untied_  
 _What if one day nothing stood in my way_  
 _And the world was mine_  
 _Would it feel this fine_

**Sora:** Oh, an entire song sequence, sure, I think I like this one better anyway.

**Rapunzel:**  
 _'Cause I've got the wind in my hair_  
 _And a gleam in my eyes_  
 _And an endless horizon_  
 _I've got a smile on my face_  
 _And I'm walking on air_  
 _And everything life ought to be_  
 _It's all gonna happen to me out there_  
 _And I'll find it, I swear_  
 _With the wind in my hair_  
*deep, heavy sigh of contentment* Imma cut myself off there, you get the picture. *basking in the sunlight, delighted* I can't believe I did this! *horrified* I can't believe I did this. *super excited* I can't believe I _did this!_ *sad and worried* Mother would be furious if she knew I disobeyed her and left the tower. *is suddenly sitting on a rock out in the stream looking at something in her hands* But that's okay – I mean, what she doesn't know won't kill her...right?

**Sora:** Oh good, for a second there I thought we were gonna skip the whole thing, even though that's literally how the montage started.

**Flynn:** Not when they finally got things close to movie perfect.

**Sora:** True.

**Rapunzel:** *is suddenly in a cave thing that's there* Oh my gosh. This would kill her.

**Goofy:** I feel like there's a treasure chest in there.

**Flynn:** There is, in fact I'm pretty sure you already got it.

**Goofy:** Hey, three different playthroughs, things get confusing.

**Rapunzel:** *running around kicking up dandelions* _This is so fuuuuun!_

**Donald:** How is she surprised by our presence in like a minute from now, we're right here.

**Flynn:** *checking his nails* No idea.

**Rapunzel:** *standing on a branch up in a tree with her head resting against the trunk* I am a horrible daughter. I'm going back.

**Sora:** How did she get up there?

**Flynn:** Probably used her _hair._

**Sora:** Ah, right.

**Rapunzel:** I AM NEVER GOING BACK! *does a cartwheel down the hill and gets wrapped up in her hair like a cocoon*

**Goofy:** How'd she get out of that one...

**Rapunzel:** *laying face-down on the grass* I am a despicable human being.

**Donald:** Seriously, I'm right here.

**Flynn:** *slumped over with his chin in his hand* You'll get over it.

**Rapunzel:** *swinging around a tree with her hair* Best! Day! _Ever!_

**Sora:** *lounging against the trunk* Why do I suspect that that's gonna be a fighting mechanic that I'll end up missing once it's gone?

**Rapunzel:** *is hunched over crying next to a rock, her hair strewn over the base of a tree behind her*

**Flynn:** *walks up to her, flanked by Sora, Donald, and Goofy* Okay. Mood swings? Bipolar Disorder? The clash of your first moment of real happiness and freedom against the fact that this is your first real act of rebellion against an impossibly strict parent?

**Goofy:** It's obviously the third one, pal.

**Donald:** Or she's on her period.

**Sora:** What's that mean?

**Donald and Goofy:** Huh boy.

**Flynn:** Now I'm only picking up bits and pieces, of course – overprotective mother, forbidden road trip – I mean this is serious stuff! But let me ease your conscience: This is part of growing up! A little rebellion, a little adventure – that's good! Healthy, even!

**Rapunzel:** *giggles wetly while wiping her face* You think?

**Flynn:** I _know._ You're _way_ overthinking this, trust me. Does your mother deserve it? No. Would this break her heart and crush her soul? Of _course!_ But you've just got to do it!

**Rapunzel:** ...Break her heart?

**Flynn:** *plucks berry* In half.

**Rapunzel:** Crush her _soul?_

**Flynn:** *squishes berry* Like a grape.

**Rapunzel:** She _would_ be heartbroken, you're right!

**Flynn:** I _am,_ aren't I. Oh, bother.

**Sora:** ...Genuinely curious as to why people like this assclown. He doesn't get that much better either, I've watched the show, he's still kind of an egotistical prick.

**Donald:** I think it's just because he's hot.

**Sora:** I've seen hotter!

**Goofy:** I'm just sick of the usual “overly sheltered girl falls for the first boy she ever sees” trope, though admittedly this fairy tale _is_ like one of the first examples of that...

**Flynn:** *is still going on* All right, I can't believe I'm saying this, but...I'm letting you out of the deal.

**Rapunzel:** _What?_

**Flynn:** That's right, but don't thank me. Let's turn around and get you home. I get back my satchel, you get back a mother-daughter relationship based on mutual trust, and voila, we part ways as unlikely friends.

**Rapunzel:** No! I am seeing those lanterns!

**Flynn:** Oh come on!

**Sora:** *speaks up* Okay, great, can we move on already?

**Rapunzel:** *looks up and is immediately on guard, standing up and brandishing her frying pan at them* Who the fuck are you three and where did you even come from.

**Flynn:** *leans into frame* Okay first of all, they were there throughout the entire montage, Donald's right, I don't know how you missed them. Second, they're the sidekicks I mentioned before, you remember that part?

**Sora:** U wot m8?

**Flynn:** And I have completely forgotten their names so they can introduce themselves I guess.

**Sora:** ...Rolling with it. I'm Sora.

**Donald:** I'm Donald.

**Goofy:** And I'm Goofy. Pleasure, ma'am.

**Rapunzel:** I'm repeating your names for some reason, possibly to make sure I got them right. *lowers the frying pan* It's...nice to meet you, too. I'm Rapunzel.

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** Yes, we know who you are.

**Flynn:** Yeah, they work for me, we go way back.

**Sora:** *yanks him over for a private meeting* Hey. The actual fuck.

**Flynn:** Look, she really wants to see the lantern show tomorrow night. Now, I'm a nice guy—

**Sora:** *narrows eyes* In what regard.

**Flynn:** Well, I do want a reward in return for helping her out, but that reward has already been predetermined and is not of a sexual nature in any way.

**Sora:** ...Yeah okay that works. I know roughly six years isn't the _biggest_ age gap but since she's still seventeen right now I'm still a little squicked out.

**Flynn:** More like roughly five, I'm not _that_ ancient.

**Sora:** ...Sure, let's go with that.

**Flynn:** The only thing is that there are suddenly monsters everywhere and I suck as a fighter even though I'm apparently an expert at sword fighting in the show but forget about that forever I guess, whereas you three do not appear to. I know where I'm going and you guys know what you're doing.

**Donald:** So you're appealing to a helpful nature in that we wouldn't be able to live with ourselves if we left two defenseless weaklings alone in a forest full of dangerous monsters?

**Flynn:** I sure am!

**Goofy:** And by us working for you, we're expected to do so without any pay or compensation of any kind.

**Flynn:** You'll get _experience!_ And you'll be guilt-free 'cause we won't be dead.

**Sora:** Yeah Scrooge is already pulling that shit so I'm gonna have to refuse.

**Flynn:** I implore you to reconsider.

**Sora:** Hmm. Okay! But only because that's usually how we roll anyway, and because I get a metric fuckton of munny every time I go into space.

**Flynn:** I don't know what that means but yay! *motions for Rapunzel to start walking beside him and the other three follow them*

**Donald:** ...So no one's gonna ask what's up with Rapunzel's hair?

**Goofy:** I'm sure it'll come up. Eventually. Maybe.

**Sora:** *stops*

**Donald:** Why'd you stop?

**Sora:** 'Cause I'm busy empathizing with Rapunzel, kinda making it seem like it's all about me when it's not but whatever. We were both in a way trapped in this shitty, shitty living space (granted mine was a fucking planet) before being introduced rather suddenly to a larger world beyond. 'Course, she didn't have her home destroyed or her friends go missing, but this still can't be easy for her. Flynn showed up at exactly the right time to help her in her travels, just like you two have done for me.

**Donald:** Aw, that's a sweet analogy.

**Sora:** Except I'm not gonna wanna fuck either of you when _our_ bizarre adventure's finally over. _Especially_ not your gross projectile spiral dick. *points at Donald*

**Donald:** You'd be _lucky_ to have me!

**Sora:** *runs away in disgust to where Rapunzel and Flynn are waiting impatiently*

**Donald:** *grumbling* Fucking idiot doesn't know what he's missing...

**Goofy:** C'mon, now. You know he only added that because he perceives sentimentality as a type of feminine weakness that must be eradicated! *catches up with Sora, Donald following closely behind*

**Sora:** I can't say “All for one and one for all” anymore without wanting to re-binge HeroAca.

**Rapunzel andFlynn:** *are constantly ahead of them*

**Rapunzel:** It's like the world goes on forever!

**Sora:** Hold up a sec, I wanna talk to everyone.

**Goofy:** Rapunzel must be pretty excited if this is really her first time outside the tower.

**Sora:** I noticed that, yeah.

**Donald:** Rapunzel has a great smile.

**Sora:** She does, and she also believes in forcing people to smile more no matter how they're actually feeling so she should have no problem doing the same for us; otherwise she would be a massive fucking hypocrite!

**Flynn:** Hey! Sidekicks! Thanks again for helping me out!

**Sora:** We literally didn't have any choice!

**Flynn:** Ugh, how did I get myself into this...

**Sora:** Didn't the Baron send you and the Stabbington brothers after the tiara?

**Flynn:** Oh yeah!

**Rapunzel:** I can't tell you how long I've been waiting for this moment.

**Sora:** I'm guessing nearly eighteen years?

**Rapunzel:** Yep! I've painted everything I can see from my window, but now I get to see it all up close.

**Sora:** And we're all super happy for you—Shit, I think I missed a chest. *goes into a cave thing*

**Rapunzel:** Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all.

**Sora:** Also I want to grab that Hidden Mickey that you can only get by climbing onto the roof of the tower and looking down at a collection of rocks. *goes back through the tunnel*

**Rapunzel:** Wait, I thought we were going to see the lanterns.

**Flynn:** Hey! Kingdom's that way, guys!

**Sora:** I know, just gimme a sec, I missed a thing because a cutscene started.

**Rapunzel:** M'kay. Whoa!

**Sora:** Yeah, pretty cool, right? And I think much longer than it was in the film... *runs up tower* ...Okay I think the real thing _might_ have been bigger.

**Rapunzel:** I can't believe how wonderful this is.

**Sora:** ...You are at the base of the tower and yet the game's audio makes it sound like you're right the fuck next to me, what is with that.

**ShieldEcho:** *goes to grab some food*

**Rapunzel:** *is literally just standing around* Oh my gosh!

**ShieldEcho:** HOW MUCH OPTIONAL DIALOGUE DID THEY SHOVE INTO THIS FUCKING GAME.

**Rapunzel:** *giggles as they go back through the tunnel – okay can we talk about how fucked up her feet would be after only standing on a flat stone/wooden surface her whole life and never having to deal with stabby rocks before!? Also I was at Disney World back before the world shut down and there was a dance sequence with the cast of Princess and the Frog, Tangled, and Frozen, and the woman playing Rapunzel _was wearing shoes._ Totally immersion breaking, 3/10. Also a white man was playing Naveen for some fucking terrible reason*

**Sora:** Shit, I'm lost again. *wanders around trying to find where they're supposed to go*

**Rapunzel:** The outside world is even better than I dreamed.

**Sora:** Still a better escort mission than most games.

**Rapunzel:** *points at a pond* Look! The flowers are growing on top of the water.

**Sora:** Yeah that _is_ pretty. *goes up a hill*

**Rapunzel:** *giggles and is immediately contrite* What will Mother think?

**Sora:** Oh it's fine. *leads them further along until they hit a clearing*

**Everyone:** *sees a massive white ball of fluff*

**Rapunzel:** Oh, look. What is that? It's so fluffy! *immediately runs up to it*

**No one:** *stops her*

**Rapunzel:** *examines it excitedly and reaches out to touch it*

**Massive white ball of fluff:** *spews out several smaller giant puff balls that look like massive dandelion seeds that land on the ground and turn into Puffball Heartless*

**Chief Puff Heartless:** *peeks its eyes out from under the giant puff ball and leaps up, revealing itself*

**Rapunzel:** ...Is this normal?

**Sora:** Nope! *rushes forward and summons Oathkeeper*

**Rapunzel:** You do that. *runs behind Flynn and wraps her arms around his neck from behind*

**Flynn:** ...Nice. And shockingly my first thought is _not_ that I've got a nice pair of tits pressing into my back, but rather that I don't have to hang out with you people anymore.

**Rapunzel:** *lets go* U wot m8?

**Flynn:** Look around, it's way too dangerous out there for even a seasoned traveler like me to handle! Let's just turn around and take you home. *starts pushing her by the shoulders*

**Rapunzel:** *pushes him off her* No. I am seeing those lanterns. *picks up her hair and rushes forward*

**Flynn:** Oh come on!

**Sora:** *sees Rapunzel join his side* ...Well this hasn't happened since Atlantica.

**Donald:** China?

**Sora:** Mulan was in the army; Ariel didn't look like she had any fighting experience, hence that comparison.

**Rapunzel:** I _don't_ have any fighting experience; I'm just confident in my ability to whip my hair around and to bash things over the head with a frying pan.

**Sora:** ...You know what? Sometimes, that's all you need. Still can't help asking you to be careful, though.

**Rapunzel:** I will!

**Sora:** *topples the tower of Chief Puff and Puffballs* Down they go! Now's our chance! Huh, sure is a lot of tower imagery in this section of the game for some bizarre reason... *kills everything* Oh and we're just cutting away to a completely different scene now I guess.

**Mother Gothel:** *is back at the Tower* Rapunzel? Rapunzel! I saw a horse and had to come back to check on you! *goes running around and checking all the rooms, ripping the curtains off the window for the sake of some illumination and sees everything totally empty, gripping her hair in frustration*

**Tiny light:** *shines in her face*

**Mother Gothel:** *looks and sees a small glimmer of light coming from the bottom of the stairs; she pulls open the top of the step and pulls out the satchel within, opening it and pulling out the tiara, immediately dropping it in fear because how could it have possibly reflected light from the window if it was buried so deeply in the satchel* Fuck, how long has that been there. *digs into the satchel and pulls out the wanted poster of Flynn where it couldn't get his nose right*

**Marluxia:** Is this a bad time?

**Mother Gothel:** What the shit. Who are you?

**Marluxia:** No one of consequence.

**Mother Gothel:** I must know.

**Marluxia:** Get used to disappointment.

**Mother Gothel:** M'kay. Wait, how'd you get up here.

**Marluxia:** Oh I can teleport. *is stepping out of a Dark Corridor* Anyway – this planet still sees women as property, right? Am I allowed to treat your daughter as an object to be reclaimed? 'Cause I'm totally up for that if you are. *walks forward semi-menacingly*

**Mother Gothel:** *is still cowering for some reason*

**Marluxia:** *takes the opportunity to give her pink-eye, which, what did that do, exactly, nothing really changed in the movie*

~Well that was weird and borderline pointless.~

**Rapunzel:** See? I told you I wasn't afraid.

**Sora:** Fair enough! We make a pretty good team!

**Rapunzel:** Mother said the world was dangerous. I'm starting to see that she was right.

**Sora:** She really only said that because the Haunted Mansion is like right next door to your tower.

**Flynn:** This is really not how I had my day planned.

**Sora:** And how did you have it planned? Meet up with the Baron and marry Stallion? Did you _really_ even love her?

**Flynn:** If I can just convince her to – Huh? Oh, don't mind me.

**Sora:** Fine by me. *runs down the hallway of a planet, murdering everything that gets in his way*

**Rapunzel:** *runs ahead to the next save point* Dandelions! I somehow know about these despite having never beholding a flower until today! Must've been in one of the only three books I own or something. Yo check this shit out! *kneels down and blows a bunch of seeds into the air* Okay that was awesome...But I wish there was a way to make more fly at once.

**Sora:** I could kick 'em up with my massive shoes?

**Rapunzel:** C'mon, you were shooting giant water balls out of your giant key that you can just create in your hand whenever you want to, surely there's a thing you can do.

**Sora:** Fine, yes, just don't call me Shirley. And also how does me blatantly practicing some form of witchcraft _not_ violate the Prime Directive, _Donald?_

**Donald:** No shut up it's fine just cast the spell.

**Sora:** _You_ cast the spell.

**Donald:** Look, I know you don't like Aero, but this is literally the only time in the entire game that you'll have to use it.

**Sora:** Ugh, _fine._ *casts Aero on a clump of dandelions and makes all the seeds go flying to Rapunzel's delight*

**Rapunzel:** It's like looking at a smaller representation of the lantern show, and in no way foreshadows events from long ago or in the future! *keeps going* I never imagined the forest would be so big!

**Sora:** Yeah, I'm surprised it hasn't started to drag yet.

**Rapunzel:** Look at all this water! *runs right into another pond* Oh! It's so refreshing! You have to come in!

**Sora:** *runs in and Rapunzel immediately splashes him* Oi!

**Rapunzel:** Yeah but it still felt good, right?

**Sora:** Oh you ain't getting outta this one! *follows her around and splashes her back*

**Rapunzel:** Oh it's on now! *gets him again*

**Sora:** Oh yeah, how 'bout _this!_ *summons the Keyblade and swipes at the water making water droplets fly everywhere*

**Rapunzel:** ...Did you just create a double rainbow?

**Sora:** ...I fucking guess! Wait is it if we look at it or if we _touch_ it that we start devolving into snails.

**Rapunzel:** I forget.

**ShieldEcho:** I somehow missed this on my first playthrough and now BOY do I understand all that fan art shipping Rapunzel with Sora, they're adorable together and I still don't like Eugene.

**Movement:** *happens at the top of the hill*

**Rapunzel:** Is it ruffians? Thugs? Have they come for me!?

**Three rabbits:** *pop out*

**Flynn:** ...Stay calm. They can probably smell fear.

**Rapunzel:** Rabbits! *bends down to look at the three weird-looking rabbits that honestly look like they've been Norted*

**Sora:** Yes they are quite hideous, but not as much as these Heartless that just appeared.

**Rapunzel:** Oh no, you're not picking on these rabbits. And also we should kill these Heartless. *helps the other four kill Heartless*

**Rabbits:** *rush back up to Rapunzel and if that wasn't normal for a Disney movie I'd say they were rabid*

**Rapunzel:** Don't worry. It's safe now.

**Rabbits:** *start to hop away*

**Rapunzel:** Oh, maybe they want to show us something. Let's follow them!

**Sora:** ...Or they want to be left alone... *follows them anyway*

**Rapunzel:** Where do you think the rabbits went?

**Sora:** I am literally crawling through bushes right now.

**Rabbits:** * are hopping around a giant chest*

**Rapunzel:** I think they want us to have this.

**Rabbits:** *bugger off*

**Rapunzel:** *calling after them* Thank you.

**Sora:** A bronze amulet, huh? Guess that was worth it. *crawls back out and keeps going*

**Rapunzel, Flynn, Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *are walking along when they find a giant silver metallic-looking flower-bud*

**Flynn:** Yeah for those of you who don't know, that is not a naturally occurring thing.

**Rapunzel:** I will now vehemently distrust it.

**Sora:** Yes, that is good to know. Also maybe don't hug this one.

**Rapunzel:** Hey, even if I hadn't learned my lesson from last time, this one doesn't look nearly as fluffy.

**Sora:** Touché. I volunteer as tribute to go check it out even though anyone who watched the last cutscene already knows _exactly_ what it is. *walks forward*

**Donald:** Have _fuuuun!_

**Sora:** Uh-huh, sure. *walks around it, visually taking it in and not examining it much further* MY CONCLUSION HAS BEEN MADE AND THAT CONCLUSION IS THAT EVERYTHING IS FINE.

**Rapunzel, Flynn, Donald, and Goofy:** WE ALL BELIEVE YOU FOR SOME REASON.

**Reaper Nobody:** *opens up and reveals itself, brandishing a scythe*

**Donald:** WELL WHO COULD POSSIBLY HAVE PREDICTED THIS OUTCOME!?

**Sora:** Zoinks! *dodges the scythe attack and summons the Keyblade* Damn it, I thought we were done with these shitbirds.

**Goofy:** Fuck, does this mean another Organization member's around here, if they're sending out Nobodies to fight us?

**Rapunzel:** Mother said the outside world would be full of ruffians and thugs!

**Donald:** Bit of a difference between ruffians and straight-up monsters, if you ask me.

**Sora:** Rapunzel, Flynn, I know you've been really good combat partners so far but this might be a good time to fuck off.

**Rapunzel:** ...Fuck _you!?_

**Sora:** Look, we can't cover the _entire_ movie! We need to be arbitrarily separated for some reason so we can avoid most of it! Flynn, tell her!

**Flynn:** No problem! And this way we don't have to model in the Snuggly Duckling or any of our eventual friends! *runs up to Rapunzel and puts his hand on her shoulder* C'mon, Rapunzel. We need to get up to some offscreen antics that'll include me telling you my real name and you telling me what happens to your hair after it's been cut.

**Rapunzel:** But we're a really good combat team though!

**Flynn:** _You're_ good at combat, to the point where I actually get where your Action Girl role from the show came into play. I kinda just run atop a barrel that magically appears. How 'bout this: these guys stay and fight these things, and you fight off anything else we run into while we're fleeing for our lives?

**Sora:** Sounds like a plan to me!

**Rapunzel:** ...Well if _you_ guys think I can do it then I guess I could give it a try. Sora, don't fuck up.

**Rapunzel and Flynn:** *nod at each other and run off*

~Binge-watching the entirety of the TV show has now made me hyper-aware that that is _not_ Mandy Moore voicing Rapunzel in this game; when I first played I barely noticed and now it's all I can think about.~


	14. Imagine If Max Had Actually Joined The Party Though

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **I'm nearly done with Melody of Memory and it is WAY too much fucking fun. In other news, the American federal government paid for my Sans Undertale hoodie:** _Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory,_ the former Super Best Friends Play channel, _The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, Game of Thrones, Firefly,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Square Enix.

~I started to actually like Rapunzel when she fought alongside me in this game. Then I watched the show. I'm back to being indifferent now. Shrug.~

**Sora:** *turns to the Reaper Nobodies* ...Okay, thanks for waiting before attacking. And of _course_ there had to be Nobodies in this.

**Goofy:** Yeah but I don't remember this breed.

**Sora:** Meh, not like it matters anyway. *kills them all*

**Goofy:** So back to what I was saying earlier about the Organization being here possibly maybe...

**Donald:** Yeah no one was arguing with you, we're all kind of in agreement.

**Sora:** Hopefully they show up soon, I want to get this over with. OI! PERSON I PROBABLY ALREADY KILLED! WE DOING THIS OR WHAT?

**Marluxia:** Sure, I have some time to kill. *steps out of a Dark Corridor* 'Sup.

**Sora:** Hey. So, just so you know, ordering around lesser Nobodies and making them attack us is _so_ five plus games ago. I think, what number are we on now? *blinks* Uh, Goofy, could you knock it off with that pose, you look ridiculous.

**Goofy:** Nope!

**Sora:** ...Fine, whatever. *to Marluxia* So you gonna be in the final battle or what?

**Marluxia:** That's the plan. Name's Marluxia, by the way. I was sent to scope out the planet where the magic hair powers originated from a flower because of fucking course I was. So how've you been doing these days, we haven't caught up in a while.

**Sora:** ...Have we met? *turns to Donald and Goofy* Have _you_ guys met him? Maybe when he was Lauriam?

**Donald and Goofy:** *shake their heads*

**Sora:** Which should I call you, by the way?

**Marluxia:** I would prefer Marluxia for the moment, thank you. And yeah, it was right before you went into that coma. To regain your _memories._ If only I could do the same so I could forget about you...

**Sora:** HOW THE FUCK WERE YOU IN THE MOBILE GAME.

**Marluxia:** Because this franchise is a tad complete bullshit.

**Sora:** Welp, can't really argue with that...Hey, refresh my memory a little, were your eyes yellow during CoM?

**Marluxia:** Nah, they were blue.

**Sora:** Figured.

**Marluxia:** Hey, do me a favor and keep doing what you're doing, yeah?

**Sora:** What am I doing so I can stop.

**Marluxia:** Oh I don't think you'll want to. Besides, you've probably figured it out by now.

**Sora:** Blink.

**Marluxia:** ...Merlin you're a dumbass. So we got some new Princesses of Heart and Rapunzel is one of them. You don't want her to die because you're a nice person like that, and we don't want her to die in case we can use her later. It's kind of a win-win, wouldn't you say?

**Sora:** Or I could take you out right now.

**Marluxia:** All the Organization seeks is balance. You must understand, our ultimate objective is not to clash with the light.

**Sora:** That is literally what your ultimate objective is.

**Marluxia:** I know, it was a clever lie to shut you up. Just keep the girl safe or whatever, okay? We know you were gonna do that anyway, after all. *vanishes*

**Sora:** Stop, don't, come back. Also why'd he _tell_ me to do the thing I was already doing, did he just feel the need to do a character introduction so his presence wouldn't freak us out later? Also also I know we told Flynn and Rapunzel to fuck off but I didn't think they'd semi-permanently leave the fucking party.

**Goofy:** We've been through this. We cannot cover the whole movie.

**Sora:** Yeah. Which is some bullshit. And I still can't get over why Marluxia felt the need to just come out and tell us to keep doing what we were doing. It makes me almost _not_ want to join up with Rapunzel again.

**Goofy:** But we're still gonna, right?

**Sora:** Oh hell yeah. I really don't like what that guy just said.

**Goofy:** Yeah, we'd better find Rapunzel before he does.

**Donald:** We'd better find Rapunzel soon.

**Sora:** Yeah, Goofy just said that.

**Goofy:** Don't let what Marluxia said bother ya, Sora.

**Sora:** I'm working on it! *continues down the direction they were already heading in*

**Donald:** Are you sure they went this way?

**Sora:** There is literally nowhere else to go except backwards so yes. *is walking through the marshlands* Wow, this was in the film for all of two seconds and they made a whole section of the planet out of it, cool.

**Goofy:** We _definitely_ missed “I've Got A Dream” by this point.

**Mother Gothel:** *is hiding behind a tree*

**Donald:** We could've just cut that person down and gone after them. Or run away before he did.

**Sora:** I just can't believe Marluxia was in the fucking mobile game. Do you know how hard it was for me not to giggle like a fucking madman when I saw him?

**Goofy:** Don't we have people to find?

**Sora:** Good point. YO! RAPUNZEL! FLYNN! GET YOUR ASSES BACK HERE!

**Mother Gothel:** *immediately turns back and walks up to them* You three know Rapunzel? *takes her hood down*

**Sora:** Sort of. I got some seed on her and made her wet, anyway.

**Donald and Goofy:** *collapse with mature laughter*

**Mother Gothel:** That's nice, how's her hair.

**Sora:** Weirdly fine, I don't know how it hasn't been caught on literally everything.

**Mother Gothel:** Okay, good. Oh and I'm her mother, by the way. The poor child left home without a word, and I've just been worried sick. Please tell me, where is my dear, sweet girl?

**Sora:** Adopted by the captain of Corona's royal guard.

**Mother Gothel:** No, not her, obviously, I'm talking about the one with a shred of usefulness.

**Goofy:** Uh, well, we ran into some monsters and got separated.

**Donald:** We told her to leave the area for her own safety. We didn't expect her to completely leave us behind.

**Sora:** Want us to help you search for her? We could protect you and eventually her from monsters in the meantime—

**Mother Gothel:** Nope. You've already lost her once and therefore I have no reason to trust you. *brushes them off and turns and leaves* I'll find her myself.

**Donald:** Okay I was the closest one of us to that guilt montage, how am I _just_ putting together that Rapunzel ran away from home.

**Sora:** *crosses his arms* So Marluxia wanted us to protect Rapunzel because she's a Princess of Light. Did...did he mean from _her?_

**Donald:** What made you reach that conclusion?

**Sora:** You mean besides the part where she's super close to being eighteen _years_ old and having never stepped outside before, or the part where the person who insisted that she never leave rejected our help, saying that we were of no _use_ to her?

**Goofy:** The part where we changed the line so she no longer said that.

**Sora:** I want more details about her home life. Let's go find her and ask her, assuming she's willing to talk about it. And frankly I want to ask some questions as to the nature of Gothel's aging process: does the Healing Incantation also undo menopause every time it makes her younger? Does she have to keep going through it again and again every time she ages? Is that how she was able to give birth despite being probably millenia old? And even though menopause is a sign of old age WHY WOULD ANYONE CHOOSE TO BLEED AGAIN, I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND. *blinks* Hey, two different overworld themes based on where you are on the planet, that's rare.

**Goofy:** I hope Rapunzel's okay.

**Donald:** I bet she is. She's tough.

**Goofy:** There must be a reason Rapunzel didn't tell her mother where she was goin'.

**Sora:** Which is why we're going to find her and find out.

**Donald:** Rapunzel's mother seemed pretty worried.

**Sora:** Did she, though...? *leads the way into the marshes*

**Donald:** You better not be getting us lost.

**Sora:** You're just saying that because this is another area where it's easy to get turned around.

**Heartless and Nobodies:** *keep popping up whenever you hit a place you haven't been yet*

**Donald:** I love how they're indirectly telling you where to go by being in your way.

**Goofy:** Sure hope the woods here aren't haunted.

**Sora:** Nah, just overrun by Heartless and Nobodies, no big deal. *murders a fuckton of shit* Hey, two different battle themes as well, even better.

**Donald:** We have to find Rapunzel.

**Goofy:** I like how we don't even care about Flynn anymore.

**Donald:** Is it because we're conditioned to be more worried about the woman or because we actually don't care about him as a person?

**Sora:** I pretty much don't care about him as a person, I don't know what the general opinion on him is.

**Goofy:** I feel like Flynn Rider is a lot of people's favorite Disney prince, 'cause a) his name's Flynn Rider, and b) look at him.

**Sora:** Still a meh from me. As for Rapunzel, I'm sure she's fine. I, on the other hand, can barely see where we're going, this a Silent Hill title or what?

**ShieldEcho:** I usually love dark and foggy shit like this, but the sunlight through the window was annoyingly bright while I was playing this section and the glare on the TV made certain areas borderline unbearable to get through.

**Snuggly Duckling trapdoor:** *exists*

**The Snuggly Duck itself:** *does not*

**Player:** *is sad*

**Goofy:** You don't suppose we might be lost, do ya?

**Donald:** Awww...

**Sora:** Now this is the story all about how my sense of direction got flip turned upside down. *runs into more enemies*

**Donald:** Look out!

**Goofy:** We got company!

**Sora:** Oh no, more Heartless, however shall we cope.

**Donald:** ...I just realized.

**Goofy:** What's up?

**Donald:** ...We're in a swamp.

**Sora:** And?

**Donald:** ...Should we, like, make a Shrek reference or something?

**Sora:** Conglaturations, you have just done so.

**Donald:** Oh, okay then, moving on.

**Sora:** *runs into a cave that has a wall he can run up*

**A bunch of Powerwilds:** *appear on the wall*

**Sora:** I am somehow incredulous to the fact that moneys can grip onto things! Though to be fair no previous engine supported their ability to do that... *kills them all and finishes climbing the wall*

**Donald:** Aah, sunshine!

**Goofy:** Yeah, it's way more cheerful out here.

**Sora:** Uh-huh, now where's Rapunzel.

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *run and murder their way through a couple more areas before suddenly walking in on Maximus, Rapunzel, and Eugene teaming up*

**Rapunzel:** Wh-wh-whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Easy, boy, easy! Settle down! Whoa, whoa!

**Sora:** That voice! It sounds like it's coming from right next to us even though it's still a bit further ahead!

**Goofy:** YAY WE CAUGHT UP FINALLY!

**Donald:** I wonder how much movie we missed, apart from the fact that it is literally the next day. *runs forward with the other two*

**Eugene:** *is hunched, terrified, against a rock*

**Rapunzel:** *is holding off Maximus, who takes the hint from Pascal and sits down in defeat...why is the horse taking directions from a chameleon* Oh, who's a good boy? Who's a good boy! Why are horses always characterized as dogs in shit like this? Huh? Huh? Why is that? *scratches and pets and snuggles Maximus as his tail wags* Is it because it's funny and endearing and it works? Is it? I think it is! Oh yes I think it is! *hugs him around the neck*

**Eugene:** _Fuck_ this looks fantastic. Also I think I hate him.

**Rapunzel:** Well I like him so we're gonna hang for the rest of the movie and huge chunks of the TV show. Also I just found out his name is Maximus. *continues to pet the horse like a dog as his leg shakes like one*

**Eugene:** ...There is something adorable yet deeply disturbing about this dynamic.

**Rapunzel:** Hey, you're a horse who acts like a dog who's also a cop who understands and can respond to any and all English phrases, right? *turns her head upside down to show off that hair tech even more* So can I use my adorability and white privilege to make it so you don't arrest the obvious criminal on the basis of I'm a white woman and don't want you to? Like, not yet at least?

**Eugene:** *sulkily holds out his hand* Come on, doggy horse, shake already.

**Maximus:** *turns away in disgust because he is an honest cop (PFFFT) who does not take bribes (PFFFFFFFFFT)*

**Rapunzel:** Also as of today I am legal.

**Maximus:** *pulls an Abbacchio and gives up, shaking hooves with Eugene*

**Rapunzel:** Great, now that that's over with, I must now be distracted by something that wasn't in the movie!

**Sora:** Holy shit we caught up, how much did we miss.

**Rapunzel:** A bunch! That I refuse to tell you about! Holy shit, I can't believe everyone's still alive!

**Sora:** Always the tone of surprise.

**Maximus:** *kicks Eugene in the stomach the second no one's paying attention to them*

**Eugene:** *collapses* If you were a real horse I'd probably be dead right now...

**Maximus:** *smiles at the thought*

**Rapunzel:** *to Sora* Also I got a puppy! *shows off the horsie* His name's Maximus, he's a bloodhound.

**Maximus:** *shoves his face into everyone else's faces*

**Rapunzel:** This is Sora, Goofy, and Donald.

**Sora:** ...That just sounds better somehow and I can't explain why.

**Goofy:** _Fuck_ I miss my son.

**Donald:** We're gonna fucking die, aren't we.

**Rapunzel:** *to Maximus* Please don't arrest them either, for one I don't think they actually did anything and for another they're gonna be way more useful in combat than you're ever gonna be considering you're never gonna leave this area until you're inexplicably with us once we get to the village proper. _Flynn_ is more useful in combat than you. Let _that_ sink in.

**Maximus:** *nods approvingly even as he wonders why she's still calling him Flynn when she knows his real name and he clearly doesn't mind her using it*

**Eugene:** *limping along, bleeding internally* We gonna get back on track with the movie or not?

**Sora:** I thought we already had.

**Eugene:** I mean we should be _at_ the kingdom right now, so...

**Sora:** Still got a bit more to go to drag out the level, got it.

**Donald:** See! I knew Rapunzel would be okay.

**Sora:** I think you were the most worried out of all of us.

**Goofy:** I think Flynn and Maximus are warmin' up to each other.

**Sora:** I somehow doubt that.

**Rapunzel:** Those bells must be coming from the kingdom!

**Sora:** Oh shit, we gotta make sure she doesn't go crazy and murder every innocent in sight since that's how female royalty works now.

**Rapunzel:** Can we go now?

**Sora:** In a sec, gotta talk to your boyfriend. Who I am magically okay with you dating now because a day passed.

**Eugene:** We had monsters! Did we really need the horse!?

**Sora:** Don't worry, he'll inexplicably disappear from the game in a moment and none of us will even notice he's gone.

**Eugene:** Let's keep going! It's not much farther!

**Sora:** On it. *leads the way to the wetlands*

**Eugene:** Would ya look at this.

**Rapunzel:** It's so pretty.

**Donald:** I could stay here forever. And there's even water for the house boat!

**Sora:** Doesn't look deep enough, sadly. *sees a wanted poster* Hey, that one looks all right!

**Eugene:** They can never get my nose right! When I find out who's been designing these, I'm gonna—

**Sora:** What if they're visually impaired?

**Eugene:** Then why did the kingdom employ a visually impaired person to create wanted posters that rely on visual accuracy?

**Sora:** I mean what if their glasses are cracked or something?

**Eugene:** ...Then honestly all would be forgiven, but it would still be weird that such an important job doesn't come with insurance to cover new lenses or eye exams.

**Sora:** Hey yeah, that would be weird. You should look into that, Rapunzel.

**Rapunzel:** Why would anyone listen to what I had to say, though, I'm not even from here.

**Sora:** ...Never mind. *destroys the poster for munny*

**Eugene:** *looks up at the surrounding cliffs* The Kingdom's not far, but we need to scale these cliffs.

**Rapunzel:** Well then, let's look for a way up.

**Sora:** I can literally run up cliff walls, I don't know what you guys're gonna do.

**Rapunzel:** Teleport to your side?

**Sora:** That works! *climbs a couple of smaller cliffs* Damn I miss Glide...which is probably the only way I'll be able to get up here again once Rapunzel leaves the party, so...

**Rapunzel:** Sora, this looks like a good place to cross. *runs past him with her hair bunched up in her arms* C'mon let's swing across and look for a path. *throws her hair up until it wraps around a convenient branch*

**Sora:** I'm kind of resenting how my movements are forced to slow to an incredibly slow walk and remains like that until you're done getting set up.

**Rapunzel:** Come on! *grabs Sora's hand and swings him across*

**Sora:** Huh? WHOA!

**Rapunzel:** And presumably I got everyone else across offscreen and detangled my hair from the branch somehow. I mean, it _is_ fucking magical hair... *helps everyone fight their way up the next cliff* Sora! Over here!

**Sora:** Hang on, I'm checking an FAQ so I don't miss any chests or Hidden Mickeys; after this section of the game is over, they _don't_ bother going through the TV show so your hair stays short and you basically become useless as a fighter because I guess frying pans are right out. I don't want to wait until I get Glide before I'm able to come back for shit.

**Rapunzel:** *ignores him* This way, Sora! I think we could reach the rock that's sticking out over there.

**Sora:** Uh-huh. *jumps back down to smash into a rock that's concealing a chest* BOOM, AERO CUFFLINK! I DON'T EVEN THINK I'M GONNA USE THIS!

**Rapunzel:** Oh no. Now we have to climb back up.

**Sora:** You didn't have to follow me, you know.

**Rapunzel:** Sora, can you climb up to that ledge?

**Sora:** Can _you?_ Or are you just gonna teleport again—

**Rapunzel:** This way, Sora!

**Sora:** I'll take that as a yes.

**Rapunzel:** Sora! Over here!

**Sora:** Yes we've just done this, I know where we're going, thank you.

**Rapunzel:** Sora, this looks like a good place to cross.

**Sora:** You mean the place I refused to cross last time...Was this area even in the movie?

**Eugene:** Not really, just these mines we're in right now, which would kind of mean we backtracked but whatever.

**Rapunzel:** I wonder where this leads.

**Donald:** Somewhere.

**Goofy:** He's right, you know.

**Rapunzel:** Maybe we should try the cavern again.

**Sora:** Gimme a sec, gotta kill a _lot_ of Heartless over here. *kills a _lot_ of Heartless over there before running up a wall and reaching another point where they have to swing over*

**Rapunzel:** Sora, over here!

**Sora:** I got here _before_ you—whatever. *swings across* We sure are holding hands a lot; no wonder all that fan art exists. *falls down to the other side of that cliff* Goodbye forever to that area, I guess.

**Chaos Carriage:** *exists*

**Sora, Donald, Goofy, Rapunzel, and Eugene:** Oh dear.

**Powerwild:** *sits atop the tower, slapping its ass*

**Sora:** Time to kill things. *beats up all the Powerwilds in the area so they can focus on the tower portion*

**Chaos Carriage:** *topples down and becomes a proper carriage, sprouting half of a horse out of its front that can run forward and attack*

**Sora:** ...That's new.

**Eugene:** What is it with me and horses?

**Sora:** I don't know but I don't like how you have to beat up each individual carriage—SUPERJUMP'S A GOOD THOUGH. Oh wait, it's a Flowmotion move that I barely use in combat, nevermind... *climbs back up the cliff and follows the signpost toward Corona into the wildflower clearing*

**Rapunzel:** *instantly runs ahead* Oh, look! I see some birds! This way! *runs ahead up to a branch where all the birds immediately fly away* Wait! Come back! Well this isn't right.

**Sora:** What's not?

**Rapunzel:** Haven't you read fairy tales? Princesses and cute little woodland creatures are always the best of friends! Oh, there they are!

**Sora:** ...I'm gonna have to go after them myself, aren't I.

**Rapunzel:** The birds flew _that_ way, Sora.

**Sora:** I am aware, thank you. *sighs heavily but does the thing anyway*

**Eugene:** Rapunzel's calling you!

**Donald:** I wonder what she wants.

**Sora:** Look, dickcheese, I have to go ultra-slowly so they don't fly away so I can make Rapunzel happy, okay!? Now stop nagging me already! *manages to get them all to fly around him* ...I've changed my tune completely. This is the only time birds will ever fly around me like this, and I don't know why but that saddens me. Plus side, now I _really_ feel like I'm in a Disney movie, for perhaps the very first time, really, 'cause where else would this ever happen. *has to balance on rocks with Flowmotion in order to to get back to the others* Please don't fly away.

**Rapunzel:** Slowly. Slooowly...

**Sora:** *grits teeth* Please don't talk either, I'm trying to focus. Also you could, like, meet me halfway yourself, you know...

**Rapunzel:** Gentle, Sora.

**Sora:** I know there's a comma in there but I kinda like that moniker. *finally gets back to the group* Aww, it's perched on my hand now. *holds it out to Rapunzel*

**Rapunzel:** I've never seen a bird like you. Probably because only a few select types of bird ever flew past the tower.

**Bird:** *flies off and perches on her bunched up hair, another one on her head, another in her open hand*

**Rapunzel:** ...Wow, are they whistling this planet's overworld music, that's awesome. *lets the birds fly off and the normal music resumes* Aww...

**Sora:** Oh it's _fine._ SAVE POINT THANK MERLIN. *saves and climbs the hill*

**Rapunzel:** Oh my gosh.

**Eugene:** Oh, breathtaking.

**Sora:** *takes out Gummi Phone to take pictures of all the flowers*

**Rapunzel:** Oh, am I supposed to smile?

**Sora:** Get out of the shot, Raps.

**Eugene:** Like this?

**Sora:** EVERYONE GET OUT OF THE SHOT!

**Rapunzel:** I've never seen so many flowers!

**Sora:** *gives up* So I feel like getting up to level thirty-five with a competent fighter before she leaves us forever, mostly for the sake of hanging out, so we're gonna teleport back to the tower now and go through the entire area again over and over until I get bored and head back to the Toy Box because frankly it's easier to level up on that planet. Sound good?

**Rapunzel and Eugene:** Uh—

**Sora:** Okay great. *does the thing he said he was gonna do* OKAY DONE LET'S GO! *begins to slide down the flower-covered hill*

**Goofy:** Last one to slide to the bottom's a rotten egg!

**Rapunzel:** This is _amazing!_

**Sora:** *bursts into song*  
 _Now, now more than ever_  
 _We must stick together_  
 _United_

**Eugene:**   
_Now, it's now or never_   
_So let's face the future_   
_Clear-sighted_

**Rapunzel:**   
_Somehow we've managed to make it this far_   
_It's been one hell of a ride_

**Sora, Rapunzel, and Eugene:**   
_There's nothing I couldn't do_   
_Not with you by my side_

**Sora:** *staring hard at the closed captions for the episode*  
“Maybe tomorrow will find you  
Our sorrow or story has come to an ending”? The fuck does that mean, is that even a sentence?

**Eugene:** Shut up, it's fine.  
 _Maybe we're fated to be separated_  
 _Who knows where our paths might be bending_

**Rapunzel:**   
_How I wish we could stay here forever this way_   
_But perhaps there's no point in pretending_

**Sora:**   
_If we're destined to head in our own different ways_

**Sora and Rapunzel:**   
_Let's make the most of these sweet final days_

**Sora, Rapunzel, and Eugene:**   
_Why not go out in a glorious blaze_   
_'Cause now, now more than ever_   
_We're fitted together_   
_United_   
_Now, it's now or never_   
_So let's stand as one_   
_Undivided_   
_When we look back at this moment we had_   
_Then shall we tremble with pride_   
_There's nothing I couldn't do_   
_Not with you by my side_   
_What in the world would I do_

**Sora:** *reaches the bottom*  
 _Without you_

**Eugene:** *slides down next to him*  
 _Without you_

**Rapunzel:** *somehow still has all the skin on her feet*  
 _Without you_

**Sora, Rapunzel, and Eugene:** *stare at the castle across the water*  
 _By my side_

**Sora:** Hang on, I _need_ to get a couple of shots of Rapunzel in front of the castle before the cutscene starts. *attempts for a while but Donald/Goofy/Eugene keeps getting in his fucking shot and Rapunzel never wants to stay still and sadly this area isn't available in the DLC picture thingy so he gives up and activates said cutscene*

**Rapunzel:** *staring at HER FUCKING KINGDOM* I just knew the outside world would be full of amazing things!

**Sora:** *walks up to her*

**Rapunzel:** And you...You helped me find them. Thank you. Still gonna bang Eugene instead now.

**Sora:** That's fine; royalty or not, you'd probably go to prison if we did anything.

**Rapunzel's items:** *have been returned to Sora's stock*

**Sora:** ...Pretty sure I didn't actually give her any items...

**Everyone:** *heads to the bridge that leads to the kingdom*

**Rapunzel:** Wait, why'd we fade to black just then? Oh who cares, I'm so fucking excited! *is jumping up and down and basically acting like I did the first time I saw the Detective Pikachu trailer if you want to know how long I've been working on this fucking thing and also EVERY TIME LITERALLY ANYTHING HAPPENED IN THIS GAME*

**Eugene and Maximus:** *slowly walk behind her*

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *have stopped halfway down the bridge for some reason, possibly because Sora spotted a treasure chest*

**Sora:** *has arms crossed* Rapunzel sure looks happy. We never actually asked her more about her home situation but at least we got this.

**Donald:** Yeah, I say let her enjoy herself for now, we can talk to her about the heavy stuff when it's not her _fucking birthday._

**Goofy:** I somehow know the lantern show's tonight. Maybe we talk to her after that?

**Sora:** Sounds good, I loved that moment in the film. Hope we can get the song in!

**Donald and Goofy:** They're not gonna get the song in. In MoM either.

**Sora:** Bugger.

**Goofy:** We've got until nightfall to go explorin'.

**Sora:** How long will that be?

**Goofy:** Oh time won't progress until you enter the plaza.

**Sora:** Shiny.

**Donald:** I can't wait to see the lanterns.

**Goofy:** Hey, is that a plaza up at the end of the street?

**Donald:** Let's go see!

**Sora:** NOPE! *attempts to head back into the woods for the fuck of it* Hey wow, can't believe that worked.

**Goofy:** Sora, I thought we were gonna check out the town.

**Donald:** Come on. Haven't you seen enough trees?

**Sora:** Yeah, but this is a good spot to find some ingredients. *heads back* Wow. Sure is a busy place!

**Female sounding voice in the distance:** I want a uniform just like the palace guards!

**Sora:** Was that Cass just now?

**Goofy:** Like we'd be that lucky.

**Donald:** It's so crowded!

**Goofy:** I think they're having a festival.

**Sora:** Very observant, Goofy.

**A random woman you can actually go up and talk to:** I found some shellfish on the shore. Tastiest meal I ever made!

**A random child you can actually go up and talk to:** I wanna go put flowers by the mosaic of the princess in the square.

**Sora:** *goes over to the docks and sees a couple of kids staring at a bulletin board with a bunch of completely blank pieces of paper attached to it* ...Guess people develop some pretty weird ways to pass the time thanks to Corona.

**A random man you can actually go up and talk to:** Those kids are always climbing that silly lighthouse. Wonder what's so interesting about the view from up there.

**Sora:** Ooooooh, is this going to lead to another side quest?

**A random man you can actually go up and talk to:** It is not!

**Sora:** ...Oh. *heads back to the entrance to the village*

**Goofy:** I bet we'll find some ingredients around here.

**Sora:** Quite a few, actually. Remind me to hit up Little Chef's restaurant once we're done with this planet.

**Donald:** Remind yourself.

**Sora:** ...Dick...

**Rapunzel:** While those three were fucking around, I found the time to get my hair braided and decorated by some lovely children no one wanted to model! *does a little twirl, admiring it* Amazing how pulling one's hair up also makes it seem shorter. Wait, what's that? *sees the giant mosaic of the king and queen and their spawn*

**Some random person:** It's for the nameless lost princess who did in fact have a name which was confirmed in the show which would've been a key detail in tracking her down but fuck _aaaaalll_ of that I guess!

**Small child:** *putting a flower down in front of the mosaic* Hey everyone, wouldn't it be weird if, on a day meant to honor this image of a blonde-haired, green eyed baby that everyone will be staring at, a young woman who is _really_ good at drawing attention to herself and also has _blonde hair and green eyes_ that looks _exactly like the fucking queen_ will show up and absolutely no one will put two and two together? _SOMEHOW!?_

**Rapunzel:** ...Yeah, that _would_ be weird... *stares at the mosaic image of what is CLEARLY HER YOUNGER SELF WHY IS LITERALLY EVERYONE SO DUMB THIS IS WHY I CAN'T LIKE THIS MOVIE AS MUCH AS THE OTHERS MY BRAIN JUST FUCKING BREAKS AT THIS SCENE* ...Welp, can't think about that anymore!

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *enter the plaza just as Rapunzel starts the dance sequence*

**Eugene:** *is chillaxing with Maximus*

**All the villagers:** *crowd around A WOMAN THEY HAVE NEVER SEEN BEFORE THAT ALSO PERFECTLY PHYSICALLY MATCHES THE MOSAIC THEY'VE ALL BEEN STARING AT FOR THE PAST EIGHTEEN YEARS as she dances and twirls by herself*

**Rapunzel:** ...Getting a little awkward, guys, I'd appreciate it if I wasn't the only one...

**Sora:** Aaaaaaand I'm automatically in the mini-game. Fuck, as fun as this is it's one of the two trophies I still don't have yet because at some point _boy_ does it stop being fun. *puts the minimal amount of work in because after three playthroughs and _many_ more attempts to get that trophy he's utterly sick of it by now*

**Rapunzel:** Keep dancing!

**Sora:** Did you know that every time I've ever danced I've regretted it?

**Rapunzel:** This is so fun!

**Sora:** Indubitably, I have deduced that you are a bitch. *suddenly joins Rapunzel in the center of the plaza* Wait when did I start leading.

**Rapunzel:** Shut up it's fine.

**Maximus:** *realizes Rapunzel's been dancing with someone who isn't her future husband for far too long and nudges Eugene forcefully into the crowd*

**Eugene:** *glares at him as Sora grabs his hand and drags him into the fray, possibly agreeing with Maximus on this one*

**Sora:** Ah shit, round two.

**Eugene:** You got it!

**Sora:** *dances in the center with Rapunzel again* This means we're wrapping it up, right?

**Rapunzel:** *twirls around some more*

**Music:** *ends right when Rapunzel ends up in Eugene's arms which automatically means they're in love now that's how love works it's fine*

**Everyone:** *big applauds the obvious romance this is romance right everyone loves romance you love it YOU _WILL_ LOVE IT YOU HAVE _NO_ CHOICE WE _WILL_ COME FOR YOUR KNEECAPS IF YOU DON'T LOVE ALL THE ROMANCE IN EVERYTHING EVER MADE EVER how did I not realize I was aro until just a few years ago this has been happening my whole fucking life*

**Some random person:** ICONIC MOVIE MOMENT AND LOVE SONG LET'S GO!

**Eugene and Rapunzel:** Despite us about to sing a love song we are now flustered which automatically means we will never be apart again because that's always how that works!

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** ...We'll just be waiting out here on one of the docks, I guess...

~Okay, for all my complaining about this planet, this shit _looks_ incredible and I was genuinely looking forward to the next scene.~


	15. Yeah I Don't Particularly Like This Film's Ending

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Melody of Memory was super fun and will probably be an incredibly short parody:** The former Super Best Friends Play channel, _Harry Potter, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, Monty Python's Flying Circus,_ 50% Off, _Undertale, Avatar: The Last Airbender/The Legend of Korra, Kung Pow: Enter the Fist, the Princess Bride,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Square Enix.

~This is the one scene of the movie that I genuinely really liked. The rest of the film I found to be just okay, if you were wondering how horrible my taste was and if my opinion should ever be valued.~

**Eugene and Rapunzel:** *are out in a canoe staring in the direction of the kingdom*

**Rapunzel:** ...I am suddenly the sad.

**Eugene:** Aw, why are you the sad?

**Rapunzel:** Well, while it hasn't quite sunk in that my mother's been emotionally abusive and manipulative my entire life, I've only just begun to realize how much I've been missing out on these past eighteen years. And while everything so far, minus the monsters and all that bullshit, has been better than anything I'd ever dreamed of...I _have_ been dreaming of this. This exact moment. And I'm suddenly terrified. What if it's not as good as I've been hyping it up to be? What if it's like how a lot of people felt really disappointed in FFXV once it finally came out? In _this_ game once it came out? What if it's going to be like how some people _definitely_ feel about the FFVII Remake, and if not now then when the rest of it comes out?

**Eugene:** Okay, first of all, I liked all three of those games. Like, a lot. Second...as much as this is a normal, yearly occurrence for me, I _promise_ you that I still get excited and look forward to it every year. I just pretend I don't to try and look cool, like with the whole fake name thing.

**Rapunzel:** ...Okay, getting hyped up again, cool...But once tonight is over...what the fuck else am I supposed to do with the rest of my life? This has been my one driving force for the entirety of my existence. I am eighteen fucking years old today. _Now_ is the time when everyone is told that their life is _supposed_ to begin and _I have no idea what the fuck to do with my life._

**Eugene:** Neither do most people. You got some people who pick a direction when they're young, stick with it their whole lives, and become experts. You got other people who don't figure out what they want until much later in life, have to work a bit harder to catch up, and still do great. Then you got people who _never figure it out,_ and you know what? They still do okay with whatever they end up doing. There's no real time limit here. There's _pressure_ to know what you want, sure, but _it is okay to not know right away, or to never know._ Everyone figures out everything at their own pace. _And that is okay._

**Rapunzel:** ...Thank you. I needed to hear that.

**The first lantern:** *floats out of the castle*

**Rapunzel:** *sees it and nearly knocks the boat over as she scrambles for a better look*

**More lanterns:** *drift up out of the village below the castle*

**Rapunzel:** *is staring in rapture at the thousands and thousands of lanterns drifting up from everywhere in front of her and reflecting on the surface of the water below*

**Lanterns:** *are floating up slowly into the night sky*

**Yoko Shimomura:** *in the absence of Disney permission knocked this one out of the fucking park; I'm feeling more emotional here than I did during the movie*

**Pascal:** *is still here for some reason*

**Rapunzel:** *is still staring and would've finished off her part of the song by this point had she been allowed to sing, turning and seeing Eugene holding two lit lanterns he'd apparently pulled out of his ass* Wait, where'd you get those?

**Eugene:** Pulled 'em outta my ass.

**Rapunzel:** That tracks. *sits back down excitedly* Oh, I got something back offscreen last night. *pulls the satchel out of her own ass* So I thought you were growing attracted to me, but then I thought you sort of only stuck with me just to get the satchel back. Then I finally rationalized it perfectly: ¿Porqué no los dos?

**Eugene:** Oh, both is _definitely_ good...Though if I did have to choose, I know which option I'd go for in a heartbeat. *pushes down the satchel and hands her a lantern*

**Rapunzel:** *smiles and lets go of it with him*

**Lanterns:** *float around each other and stick close as they rise up into the air with the thousands and thousands of others*

**Eugene:** *smiles at Rapunzel, who's looking out over the lanterns, and his gaze falls back down onto the satchel* ...Fuck it. *sails the boat onto the beach across from the kingdom* Okay, here's how it is. I wasn't working alone when I got this satchel. There were two other men working with me.

**Rapunzel:** Okay...

**Eugene:** We stole it together for our sort-of boss, and I figure that if I just gave it to them, well, I'd at least have one less angry group of people after me, you know?

**Rapunzel:** Makes sense.

**Eugene:** Sure does. The thing is, those two guys aren't in this game, so basically my actions here make no sense and I don't know why I'm suddenly leaving except to keep with the plot of the movie.

**Rapunzel:** ...Okay now I'm confused.

**Eugene:** As am I. I'm still gonna take the satchel and go, though.

**Rapunzel:** And I am going to continue to naïvely place my trust in you.

**Eugene:** ...OKAY, GOOD TALK. *walks off into the night, satchel in tow*

**Pascal:** *hops onto Rapunzel's shoulder and I kinda want to squash him; I genuinely think I hate him more than most people hate Olaf and for the life of me I could not tell you why*

**Rapunzel:** Shut the fuck up, Pascal.

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *are staring up at the lanterns near the docks*

**Sora:** WE'RE HERE TO RUIN THE MOMENT!

**Donald:** Remember when we ruined everything?

**Goofy:** Yep. That's tone-annihilating.

**Sora:** I'm gonna be honest; Disney's got this thing going on with the brand where certain things just _feel_ like a Disney movie, and bugger if I can explain what that is or what it feels like but it's one of those intangibles where you just know it when you see it. Like, if anything makes you feel like you felt whenever you watch the 1991 Beauty and the Beast, it's like that. It's why I like Frozen more than this movie, in the end; I felt that sensation hit hard during the first chorus of “For the First Time in Forever” and I didn't get that sensation during Tangled until this scene right here. The moment the light show started, something in my brain just clicked and I went, “Oh, I'm watching a Disney movie, it's been a while.” And then that feeling kind of went away after the song ended. Ah, well, it was fun while it lasted.

**Reaper Nobodies:** *appear behind them* Literally no one cares.

**Sora:** Oh for fuck's sake. Look, I know we killed the moment just by existing, but I _really_ don't wanna fight anything right now; I just wanna enjoy the light show.

**Goofy:** Yeah I don't think they're gonna let us. Also we should probably make sure they don't attack anyone else in the kingdom.

**Donald:** Aw, do we _have_ to?

**Sora:** I guess we kinda gotta. *summons Keyblade and moves to the edges of the arena to take all the pictures he can of the pretty lanterns over the water and around the castle even though he's playing on Critical before finally murdering everything in sight*

**Rapunzel:** Still waiting by the boat...Pascal, get off my shoulder, what the shit. Also now I see another, slightly larger boat...with Eugene clearly at the helm, sailing off without me. Great, fucking great.

**Princess tiara:** *is tied to Eugene's unconscious form that has also been tied up to foster the illusion that Eugene fucked off without her*

**Marluxia:** Hey wow, look at that. *teleports in behind Rapunzel* Everything your mother warned you about offscreen happened. Who could've imagined that? Certainly not someone who deliberately manipulated events so that you would willingly submit back to their control or anything, that would just be ridiculous.

**Rapunzel:** No, he's honest, and he's sweet—

**Marluxia:** *eyeroll* _Please._

**Rapunzel:** —he would never do anything to hurt me.

**Marluxia:** He's a _guy!_

**Rapunzel:** You know what, who even are you and why should I listen to you. *looks back at Eugene who's still sailing away*

**Marluxia:** I'm not even gonna bother answering for some reason. Also I really, _really_ want you to go back to the tower. I don't quite know what me giving Gothel pink-eye actually did to her, but I can theorize that should we need you for the final battle (and I kinda wish we had, you'd have been a damn sight better than Kairi'll turn out to be unless you shelled out an extra thirty bucks) Gothel could then be persuaded/controlled into giving you up. It would be easier to do that than it would be to have you be returned to your parents and then to have your father post guards all around you all the time and declare martial law at a critical moment right when we need you. There are NPCs _everywhere_ now and suddenly Vexen's old lessons on secrecy are an absolute must, it's so annoying...Anyway, now to further persuade you via summoned Nobodies. *summons some Nobodies that surround Rapunzel*

**Rapunzel:** Well this birthday's reaching a pretty shitty conclusion. *runs off 'cause there's no way she'd be able to take her braid down in time to fight them off, this isn't the show*

**Marluxia:** Stop, don't, come back. *smirks*

**Rapunzel:** *continues to run, getting her braid caught on a tree log and tugging frantically at it until she hears something*

**Mother Gothel:** YO BITCH WHERE YOU AT.

**Rapunzel:** Mother? *is suddenly perfectly able to walk back over unencumbered to see the Nobodies fade out of existence after Gothel beat them to death with a log*

**Mother Gothel:** *immediately drops log* My precious girl!

**Rapunzel:** I'm an adult now and it's kind of infantalizing to not be referred to as a woman at this point but I guess it has been a bit of a day so I'll let it slide for now. *runs into her arms*

**Mother Gothel:** *strokes her braid before examining her face* You good? We good?

**Rapunzel:** How'd you even know where—?

**Mother Gothel:** Girl, I keep you locked up because I _know_ about the things I'm trying to keep you safe from. *is constantly checking that Rapunzel's hair is okay before paying attention to her face again, which is a really good detail that I never noticed until a tumblr post pointed it out to me hey remember tumblr me neither* Like those fucked up monsters for example. *pulls her back into a hug, her hand stroking the braid* I wanna go home, can we go home? Before they regain consciousness?

**Rapunzel:** The fuck're you talking about, they're fucking dead. Disintegrated. You literally _destroyed_ them.

**Mother Gothel:** It's the original dialogue, shut up. *starts to pull her along by the hand but Rapunzel pulls away, looking back at Eugene's boat which had just faded into the fog, allowing the lie to sink in just a little more before turning back to Gothel, who is holding up a green lantern so we know she's evil because green means evil; she puts it down and holds her arms out for another hug*

**Rapunzel:** *runs into her arms again, sobbing*

**Mother Gothel:** *strokes her hair some more* Okay. So while everyone is lamenting all of the horrible choices they made in life...

**Rapunzel:** Oh fuck off.

**Mother Gothel:** No it's fun.

**Rapunzel:** *sniffs* So did you actually make a deal/stage that shit with the pink-haired person, or...

**Mother Gothel:** I have no fucking clue.

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *enter the area who knows how much later*

**Sora:** _Man_ I love fog. *spots the green lantern* Rapunzel's heading home already? Welp, time to say good-bye I guess. YO—

**Dark Corridor:** *materializes in front of them and spits out Marluxia*

**Marluxia:** Would it kill you to be polite?

**Donald:** Yeah, because running up to a person who's clearly trying to leave is so much better.

**Sora:** So it's pronounced Mar-LOO-sha and not Mar-lucks-ia, got it.

**Marluxia:** That is correct, yes, I do see how just dealing with the name as written could trip people up. Also maybe just stay out of the rest of this, yeah? The movie's gonna happen anyway, you'll be killing the mood at best.

**Sora:** You're just saying that because it's happened nearly every time at every other planet we've been to. And at worst?

**Marluxia:** You'll be fucking up the plot of the movie. Do you know how important Disney's first 3D princess movie is !?

**Sora:** Still prefer 2D.

**Marluxia:** Uh-huh, and when exactly are you going to sit down and actually watch _Princess and the Frog._

**Sora:** *sputters* It's in my Disney+ watch list, I'll get around to it!

**Marluxia:** I do not _fucking_ believe you. Also Rapunzel's gotta stay locked up with Gothel. That's just how it be.

**Goofy:** Kinda sounds like abuse.

**Sora:** Yeah no that's abuse.

**Marluxia:** You're totally right and I don't care.

**Mother Gothel and Rapunzel:** *are walking through the forest snatching up some field mice and bopping them on the wait no they're just walking*

**Marluxia:** I don't know if you got to the part where Rapunzel can make her hair light up and heal people when she sings?

**Sora:** We were conveniently absent for that part.

**Marluxia:** Well it's a thing. Which is why Gothel wants to keep hold of her so badly; that shit also works at de-aging. It's sort of less of a healing thing and more of a time reversal thing on the effect of the body. Though unlike Crazy Diamond it can apparently work after someone's already dead...

**Sora:** You mean Shining Diamond?

**Marluxia:** You're dead to me. My point is that Gothel wants to continue to use Rapunzel for her own ends, which means she'll be kept alive in a place where we can find her, which is a good thing. Well, for us, anyway.

**Sora:** The hell do you mean by that?

**Marluxia:** She's plan B. If you lot fail to gather up all of Nomura's OCs in time for the final battle, we'll have at least one if not three spare beings of light we'll be able to fight with when the time comes. Honestly it's plan C, really, plan B is to hold them hostage so your side will keep your end of the bargain.

**Sora:** ...So there are new Princesses of Heart now, huh? Still seven?

**Marluxia:** Should be.

**Sora:** Okay, Rapunzel, Elsa, Anna...

**Marluxia:** Kairi still counts.

**Sora:** She does, okay, that's four...Who're the other three?

**Marluxia:** No idea but I really want Moana and/or Lilo to be on that list.

**Sora:** I ALSO WANT EITHER OR BOTH OF THEM TO BE ON THAT LIST. Also how are there even new ones now.

**Marluxia:** Iunno, something about their jobs being done during the Hollow Bastion section of KHI and them passing their power onto new Disney characters.

**Sora:** FUCK PIXAR'S IN ON THIS SHIT MERIDA COULD BE ONE I AM BIG EXCITED NOW.

**Marluxia:** You are in the minority.

**Sora:** I KNOW AND I DON'T CARE FUCK YOU. Also you seem to be okay with a young person being trapped in a place where they're constantly subjected to emotional abuse because it suits your needs, rationalizing it as being for a greater good. You sure your name didn't used to be Dumbledore? *draws Oathkeeper*

**Marluxia:** Zing. And guess what Aqua, Ventus, and Terra used to be able to do back in BBS that was never brought back for some reason. *casts Sleep*

**Sora:** *drops Oathkeeper, which disappears*

**Donald:** You okay? *rushes forward with Goofy*

**Sora:** ...You the only...member that...can do this? *is slowly starting to fall*

**Marluxia:** No idea, but I am the only one who'll bother to use it, and only this one time. And yes, this _is_ rather anticlimactic, but we can't fight until the end of the game, remember?

**Sora:** Fuck's...sake… *goes the fuck to sleep*

~Hey is it weird that I'm sort of glad they never made Mother Gothel into a stereotypical Disney witch and only made her someone who took advantage of an external magical power?~

**Rapunzel:** *is laying in her bed clutching the small festival flag/banner/thing she snuck home with her*

**Pascal:** *exists and I've beat all twenty-six endings of Nier: Automata three times already _and_ wrote a fic on said endings I do not need to play it anymore why do I want to play it a-fucking-gain is it because the Nier Replicant remaster was announced it probably is that music is so fucking _good_ *

**Rapunzel:** *opens her eyes and stares blearily at the paintings she'd done on her ceiling, stares a bit harder, glances down at the handkerchief with the sun on it, and looks back at the ceiling, concentrating until she sees the same sun motif and pattern everywhere in every single one of her paintings*

**Camera:** *zooms into Rapunzel's eyeball where another sun design is lighting up and showing off the mosaic of the royal family and the memory of her putting on the tiara despite that scene not being in the game, making her lurch backward and nearly knock over her vanity table*

**Rapunzel:** … *starts singing*  
 _Locked inside a tower_  
 _Kept behind a wall_  
 _Sheltered from a world you've barely known_  
 _That's the way they treat you_  
 _And what's worst of all_  
 _Who's to blame, just you and you alone_

**Sora's pedantic ass:** *shouting from the other side of the planet despite being asleep* You're talking about your abuser, right? Because that is literally the only person at fault here in every situation of this type always!

**Rapunzel:** *ignores him*  
 _There's much more inside of you_  
 _Than anyone can see_  
 _And now the choice is yours_  
 _Life waits beyond the doors_  
 _So step on through, the time has come_  
 _And only you can set yourself free_  
 _No one else can tell you what to do_  
 _Or who to be_  
 _No one gets to say if you will stay or go_  
 _So use the gifts you're given_  
 _Make the world your own_  
 _Look inside your heart and find the key_  
 _And set yourself free_

**Mother Gothel:** You singing something from the show again?

**Rapunzel:** *panting heavily*  
 _Bound up by your worries_  
 _Trapped by your mistakes_  
 _Forced to play a role you never chose_  
 _Why not test your limits_  
 _You've got what it takes_  
 _Let it out and follow where it goes_  
 _No more letting someone else_  
 _Define you to a “T”_  
 _You know that you are strong_  
 _You've known it all along_  
 _So seize the day, let down your hair_  
 _You'll find a way to set yourself free_  
 _Now it's up to you and what you'll do_  
 _And who you'll be_  
 _You get to decide how far and wide you'll go_  
 _So look to the horizon_  
 _Open up your wings_  
 _Fly away to find your destiny_  
 _And set yourself free_

**Mother Gothel:** *goes up to Rapunzel's room but Rapunzel pushes back the curtain first*

**Rapunzel:** That sun design was on every treasure chest Sora opened! Oh and also I think I might be the same blonde-haired green-eyed baby that went missing eighteen years ago. Weird, right?

**Mother Gothel:** _Enunciate_ for fuck's sake, woman!

**Rapunzel:** *speaks louder* Literally all you had to do was lie about my birthday and I might not have figured out that I'm the lost princess.

**Mother Gothel:** ...Really should've prepared for the possibility of you finding out after having spent the entire day in the kingdom.

**Rapunzel:** Ya think? And...as much as I adore found family stories...we're not one, are we.

**Gothel:** Yeah, me trying to brush it off now after it's clearly too late really isn't helping my case, is it? *walks up the steps and tries to hug Rapunzel*

**Rapunzel:** *pushes her away* YOU KIDNAPPED ME FROM PARENTS THAT WANTED ME THEN AND THAT STILL WANT ME NOW, ALL BECAUSE OF THE TOXIC INTERNAL BELIEF THAT OLDER WOMEN AREN'T WORTH ANYTHING ANYMORE.

**Gothel:** *glares* A side implication could be that aging means you're closer to death and I'm terrified of _dying._ Is the head-canon that I made up just now. Also your parents would've kept you sheltered as fuck as well, you know, as you'll soon find out. How exactly am I any different?

**Rapunzel:** *pushes her out of the way as she descends the stairs* My parents wanted me for _me._ So they could raise a child. So that I might rule the kingdom in peace one day. _You_ want me for my powers. You drilled it into my head that you were protecting me from people who only wanted to use me for said powers – and it must've been a pretty easy story to tell since you only had to look in the mirror for inspiration! Write what you know, am I right!? *has reached the bottom of the stairs by this point*

**Gothel:** And exactly what do you hope to achieve by telling me all this now? You can't exactly go off to your boyfriend, now can you?

**Rapunzel:** ...You did something to him, didn't you.

**Gothel:** Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, yes. See, we're probably in a time period where you can be imprisoned for ten years or more for stealing a loaf of bread. What do you think the theft of a tiara might land someone? Hanging's too good for him at that point, I'd say.

**Rapunzel:** ...Well balls.

**Gothel:** *walking down to her* See? Everything worked out in the end, didn't it? *goes to pat Rapunzel on the head but she grabs her hand before it can touch her hair* ...Well that's new.

**Rapunzel:** If this outing has taught me anything, it's that I absolutely _can_ take care of myself. My hair is _my_ weapon, and I will not allow you to use it any longer!

**Gothel:** *wrests herself from Rapunzel's grip, knocking over the mirror in the process, which is probably symbolic of her youth and beauty coming to an end or some shit*

**Rapunzel:** *flips her off as she turns to leave*

**Gothel:** *suddenly has an aura of darkness surrounding her* You want me to be a Disney villain? Fine. Now I'm a Disney villain.

~I mean sure she was meant to be one already but you could draw a lot of parallels between Gothel and King Triton and _he_ ain't an acknowledged Disney villain.~

**Eugene:** *is riding Maximus across the bridge out of Corona, which means we missed the jailbreak scene which would've been awesome to participate in and would've given Sora, Donald, and Goofy a little more to do on this planet* ...Holy shit, I think Sora's fucking dead. MAX, STOP ALREADY.

**Goofy:** *looks up hopefully, sees Eugene pulling Maximus to a halt, and looks back down morosely at Sora's unconscious form* Oh. Hey Flynn.

**Eugene:** ...He dead?

**Donald:** No, but we can't tell if he's in another coma or not. *shakes head* Sleep spells in BBS never lasted _this_ long...

**Goofy:** We tried shouting at him, shaking him, even pouring water on his face since the river's right here. No dice. We're seriously considering setting him on fire next.

**Screen:** *fades to black*

**Donald:** Let's try shouting at him some more.

**Goofy:** You mean the same thing we've been doing all night to no effect? YOU'RE A GENIUS!

**Eugene:** Both of you step aside, I have an idea. Max, do the thing!

**Screen:** *fades in on Maximus licking Sora awake*

**Sora:** *slowly opens his eyes* ...Did you just teach me how to unlock the Power of Waking™?

**Maximus and Eugene:** *smile down at him*

**Donald:** *obscures Sora's vision* Were you having that dream where Riku pantses you in front of the swim team and everyone just chants “Weird dick! Weird dick! Weird dick!” over and over until you pull your own face skin off?

**Sora:** ...No...?

**Goofy:** *obscures the rest of Sora's vision* ...Anyway, I don't think you should just amble up to Ven and start licking his face. Not without his consent, anyway. At least wait until you think he's told a lie first! A-hyuck!

**Sora:** *slowly sits up*

**Eugene:** Way to get that pointlessness out of the way nice and quick, Max!

**Maximus:** *does a sick JoJo pose*

**Eugene:** *somehow doesn't fall off*

**Sora:** *gets up fully* Why's it always the “I forgot to go to class” nightmare, it's been literal years since I went to a school...Oh and while Gothel's already probably a villain like we've been debating about this whole time, we just ran into a person we _know_ is bad who wants Rapunzel to stay locked up, so I'm thinking we do the opposite of that.

**Eugene:** Well obviously, you should've seen what happened on my end.

**Sora:** I FUCKING WISH WE HAD.

**Eugene:** *rides a bit further along on Maximus* So I'm gonna save her ass, you in? *holds out his hand to Sora*

**Sora:** Hell the fuck yeah! *grabs Eugene's hand and is pulled up behind him*

**Goofy:** *gets on Maximus behind Sora*

**Donald:** *leaps onto Sora's shoulders for some reason*

**Maximus:** *fucking hates this shit but is filled with enough determination to carry everyone regardless*

**Eugene:** Maximus, yip-yip!

**Maximus:** *rears up and takes off, getting a decent amount of distance before the Nobodies show up and make him skid to a halt*

**Eugene:** Well shit.

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *nod to each other and leap off Maximus, summoning their weapons*

**Sora:** We'll handle the monsters, you finish the movie.

**Eugene:** Wow, what a convenient way to split us up again! *rides off*

**Sora:** *fights some Nobodies for a while* Enough already. Get out of our way!

**Donald:** Sora, forget about them. Let's go!

**Sora:** Aww, but levels!

**Goofy:** YOU ARE LEVEL THRITY-FIVE RIGHT NOW.

**Sora:** Items?

**Donald:** Honestly I don't wanna have to deal with Corona anymore, you feel?

**Sora:** Good point.

**Goofy:** Hurry, Sora! This is no time to dawdle!

**Donald:** We'd better get right to the tower!

**Sora:** Hang on, there's a save point. Damn it, thought I could teleport directly to the tower... *is running through more Heartless than Nobodies at this point*

**Goofy:** Is it just me or are the Heartless multiplying?

**Sora:** That can't be good. Damn it, I can never find the entrance to the cave, everything here's so fucking green...Ah! *runs through the tunnel*

**Goofy:** We're almost there!

**Sora:** *exits the tunnel and a fuckton of Heartless appear right outside of it* Fuck, wanted to save right before the boss fight... *kills them all*

**Eugene:** *had apparently been steadily climbing Rapunzel's hair during that entire last fight* I LIVED, BITCH — Oh dear.

**Rapunzel:** *is bound and gagged and struggling on the floor*

**Gothel:** *stabs Eugene in the fucking side with a fucking knife, earning the game its E10+ rating despite there being no blood; I'd like to remind everyone that the 1994 Lion King featured someone falling from a cliff and stampeded to death, and someone else eaten alive by hyenas, and it is still rated G to this day*

**Eugene:** *falls to the floor, clutching his sides* I'm bleeding. Making me the victor.

**Goofy:** *back outside* Sora, the tower!

**Sora:** I know, I'm going, just let me save first, that's all I wanted to fucking do! *saves and walks like two steps forward before another cutscene starts*

**Gothel:** Would you stop struggling already!? *is trying to drag Rapunzel away* I only killed the one human friend that I'm aware of that you ever made who was the first person you ever saw aside from me so of course you want to immediately jump on his dick because that's somehow never not what happens! Just get it over with already!

**Rapunzel:** My gag conveniently completely disappeared only at this moment so I could talk right now instead of warning Eugene earlier. Also how 'bout we make a deal.

**Gothel:** ...Of what variety.

**Rapunzel:** Let me heal this person real quick and I will be the very model of a Stepford Smiling Stockholm child for the rest of my life. Let him die and I will continue to struggle endlessly like this until you probably kill me out of frustration, killing your meal ticket in the process.

**Eugene:** *writing on the floor* I do not approve of this plan!

**Rapunzel:** I don't need your approval.

**Pascal:** *exists*

**Rapunzel:** So do we have a deal or what?

**Pascal:** *still exists*

**Rapunzel:** We're waiting...Also he's bleeding out...

**Gothel:** I don't know...

**Rapunzel:** I implore you to reconsider.

**Gothel:** Hmm. Okay! *jump cuts to her chaining Eugene's wrist to a pillar* You'll probably get out of this eventually but I imagine we'll be long gone by then. *backs off*

**Rapunzel:** *rushes forward, feeling up his face and his wound*

**Eugene:** No, please, I have a wound there.

**Rapunzel:** Let me take the time to apologize while you continue to bleed out. I know there's no actual blood because kids movie but still. *picks up her hair*

**Eugene:** *moves to stop her* I still vote that you don't do this.

**Rapunzel:** You don't get a vote. This is my choice.

**Eugene:** Listen...Sora, Donald, and Goofy are on their way right now...Two of them know Cure and everyone has healing items...

**Rapunzel:** That's nice, but they're not here yet and this is kind of urgent. *puts a hand on his cheek instead of actually urgently healing him*

**Eugene:** *grabs her arm* I'd rather die than have you live a lifetime of emotional abuse. Is the implication I am giving.

**Rapunzel:** And I guess I'm supposed to find this romantic but I kind of don't.

**Eugene:** Okay, just wait one more second. *runs a hand through her hair*

**Rapunzel:** WHY AM I NOT JUST HEALING YOU.

**Eugene:** So I can do this. *grabs her hair and cuts it all off at once with a shard of glass*

**Rapunzel:** *grasps at her shorter hair as it fades to brown* ...THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU WAIT UNTIL _AFTER_ I'D HEALED YOU TO DO THAT!?

**Gothel:** No no no no no no no no no no no no!

**Rapunzel:** *grasps at the hair that'd been cut off as it slowly fades to brown all along its length* The fuck didn't _I_ think of that...

**Gothel:** *fumbles at the cut hair, picking it up and holding it close as it loses all its blonde color* WHY DID I ONLY CHAIN HIM UP BY THE ONE WRIST!? *clutches at her suddenly withered hands with the much longer nails which why would the nails suddenly be longer when nothing else is growing* No, no, no, I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die! *ages rapidly, her hair turning white; she falls to her knees, clutching at her face, pulling her hood up because if no one can see her aging that means she's not, staggering to her feet and stumbling around*

**Pascal:** *becomes Route C/D Pascal as he grabs Rapunzel's cut hair and pulls it tight so Gothel can fall out the window and _fucking die_ *

**Gothel:** *screams as she falls until she disappears and it's just the cloak falling*

**Sora:** ...The fuck did we miss.

**Marluxia:** *standing off to the side* ...Okay so maybe her abusiveness in such close proximity to a being of pure light wasn't the best idea after all...Fuck, even Cinderella got _away_ from Lady Tremaine, shit, I know I was worried about guards but this would've _actively_ fucked up our Plan B. Might as well make Sora finish her off, I guess... *juts out a hand, a silver chain-like light flowing down it*

**A swirl of pink glowing petals:** *flutter around the falling cloak that must've been falling for quite some time if Marluxia was able to finish his monologue before it hit the ground, turning it into a giant ball of darkness that juts out arms and a tail, landing in front of Sora, Donald, and Goofy before the darkness fades, revealing the Grim Guardianess*

**Sora:** ...Okay, boss fight time, I guess... *starts fighting it* Seriously, what the hell happened up there!?

**Donald:** I don't know, but the game won't let us find out until we kill this thing.

**Grim Guardianess:** *flies to the top of the tower at a point and summons a bunch of walls that all have convenient areas that Sora can jump over; if she really wanted to stop us she wouldn't have included those*

**Sora:** *clears those and all the spontaneously appearing deadly exploding fruit and climbs the tower to beat her shit in until she starts roaming freely again*

**The Wreck-It Ralph summon:** *can apparently make this boss fight super easy but I never summon nor do I much like Wreck-It Ralph so I never bothered*

**Sora:** *focuses mostly on using Shotlocks, magic, and Aerial Sweep to win*

**Rapunzel:** *took the length of that battle to actually start worrying about Eugene, picking his head up* Hey, you know what I'd really appreciate right now? You not dying. Or even better, _waiting until I did the thing before giving me an impromptu haircut, basically taking any semblance of choice away from me._

**Sora:** *climbs up onto the windowsill with the other two* Good thing I can Flowmotion run up the tower, now what the hell is going...oh. Oh, we're gonna ruin another moment, aren't we.

**Rapunzel:** *fruitlessly grabs Eugene's hand and places it on her head, singing through her tears and making me feel like parodying actual movie song lyrics 'cause why the fuck not*  
 _Fuck this ending hard_  
 _I so hate this bit_  
 _It is so contrived—_

**Eugene:** Hey.

**Rapunzel:**   
_This is complete bullshit_

**Eugene:** Hey. Come on. *puts his hand on her cheek and turns her face to face his*

**Rapunzel:** Why. The fuck. Didn't you let me heal you first.

**Eugene:** People always do crazy things...when they're in love.

**Rapunzel:** ...Yeah. Which was why I was going to go with Gothel. Once I _saved you._

**Eugene:** Yea well I'm dead now, so. *is dead now*

**Rapunzel:** And now I am the sad.

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *are here to kill the mood that much more, though it is cute how Goofy has his hands on Sora's shoulders, putting Sora's comfort before his own; what a good dad*

**Rapunzel:** *still cradling Eugene's head, singing softly and hopelessly*  
 _Can I wake the dead_  
 _What is my limit_  
 _Do I keep this skill_  
 _This is complete bullshit_  
*leans her forehead against his and just whispers instead of sings*  
 _It's all bullshit_

**Tear:** *falls from Rapunzel's eye onto Eugene's cheek, which, either from lingering magical power or because the power of twue wuv compelled it to, turns gold, gains a flower motif, and disappears*

**Eugene's wound:** *starts glowing and spewing curved rays of golden light around the room*

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** ...Huh.

**Rapunzel:** ...Wait does this mean I can still use my powers with my tears, was that just the dwindling power I did have, what're the logistics here.

**Flower shape:** *forms around the wound amidst the rays of light before they all appear to retract into the now perfectly healed shirt*

**Rapunzel:** ...You awake now or what?

**Eugene:** *slowly opens his eyes* Looks like.

**Rapunzel:** YAY NO CONSEQUENCES!

**Eugene:** So you're a natural brunette? Shit, I wanna fuck you even more now.

**Rapunzel:** HETERONORMATIVITY SAVES THE DAY ONCE AGAIN! *falls over hugging him*

**Donald:** ...Oh I get it, it's not Crazy Diamond, it's Gold Experience.

**Sora:** I think you mean Golden Wind.

**Donald:** I think Marluxia was right about you.

**Goofy:** Now all I want is an AU where Eugene is a slowly decaying zombie that'll re-die in a few days. Or a zombie AU in general where everyone comes to see Rapunzel to bring their loved ones back to life and there are eventual horrifying consequences.

**Sora and Donald:** Same. Also YAY HE'S ALIVE I GUESS! *hug each other and Goofy*

**Camera:** *pans out on the seventy feet of donate-able hair that's probably just gonna get left there, what a waste*

**Everyone:** WE ARE OUTSIDE THE TOWER NOW.

**Eugene:** Wait how'd we even get down.

**Sora:** No fall damage. Also we possibly just found out about all the lost princess shit and how OBVIOUSLY THAT WAS RAPUNZEL THE WHOLE TIME.

**Rapunzel:** Tell me about it. And, honestly, I think I would've preferred to be a little more conflicted about just entirely forgetting about the woman who raised me in favor of my quote unquote “real” family. Family isn't always biological, you know? Though I do appreciate the effort to dispel the myth that every woman has to be motherly and nurturing...Well, maybe a terrible argument could be made that since she wasn't my birth mother and that's why...

**Sora:** Except not; I know for a fact that it would not have mattered and that some people are just terrible and should not be parents. Also who even was the father...

**Rapunzel:** Huh. Oh well, win some, lose some, I guess. Still, time to move into what I will soon perceive as my new prison! And I couldn't have done it without you crazies.

**Donald:** We literally didn't have any choice but sure.

**Eugene:** Frankly, I think it's better for a leader to have come from nothing. Gives them a better perspective on how to effectively lead. With that in mind, I think you'll be a great princess, or at least a very interesting one.

**Rapunzel:** ...Thanks?

**Eugene:** *motions toward Sora, Donald, and Goofy* Also none of you suck.

**Sora:** *scratches his nose, smiling*

**Player:** Don't touch your face.

**Rapunzel:** I'll never forget those cute little bonding moments we had together that'll never be mentioned again!

**Donald:** How long until Ever After?

**Sora:** Three seasons, I can't see them doing any more than that, it was a solid ending.

**Goofy:** Welp, at least Eugene and Maximus will get along by then.

**Eugene:** Says you.

**Maximus:** *smirks*

**Rapunzel:** *takes Eugene's hand and he takes hers*

**Sora:** ...Okay, I know that I'm supposed to be all about hearts and love and all that crap, but I'm really starting to get sick of a romantic heterosexual couple being the one kind of happy ending a woman can have.

**Donald:** Mulan saved her father and won the war in China.

**Goofy:** Yeah, Shang was just a nice bonus.

**Sora:** True, but just because you did a thing once doesn't mean you should never do any more because one already exists. It's not going to stop me from wanting more movies to also shift focus in the future. Or avoid it altogether, that'd be new and exciting, 's why I like Moana so much.

**Goofy:** And it being a newer concept is exactly why they won't do it.

**Donald:** We'd love to be proven wrong, though.

**Eugene and Rapunzel:** The hell're you guys talking about?

**Sora:** Nothing. But since Marluxia hasn't shown up in the previous five seconds, I don't think you'll have to worry about any Nobodies or boss Heartless anymore. Just standard Heartless.

**Goofy:** Maybe stock up on the frying pans since you can't use your hair anymore?

**Sora:** Or Flynn could run around on top of a giant barrel he pulled out of his ass and generally look like an idiot. Plus we'll be popping by now and again to get missed treasures, Hidden Mickeys, ingredients, and materials.

**Donald:** And also so that Sora can repeatedly ragequit over trying and failing to get the trophy for this planet's mini-game.

**Eugene:** Y'all do that, I'm gonna stick by Rapunzel's side so she can easily protect me. And also because I love her or something.

**Rapunzel:** *takes his hand again* How amazingly touching, Eugene.

**Sora:** ...I'm confused. Also why am I only now confused, Rapunzel kept repeating that name over your dead body.

**Eugene:** About that. My real name is Eugene Fitzherbert. Why do you _think_ I changed it to Flynn Rider.

**Sora:** Meh, could be worse. Could be Horace.

**Eugene:** Oh that is a _terrible_ name! I feel _way_ better about my real name now! Also sorry, forgot you guys weren't there for that part of the movie.

**Donald:** Great, more name changes to get mixed up by.

**Goofy:** Hey, whatever makes you feel the most comfortable in your own skin.

**Sora:** I agree, which one do you personally prefer?

**Eugene:** I'm going back to Eugene, Rapunzel made me like it again.

**Sora:** Noted.

**Rapunzel:** ...Okay I know I've been yelling it all the time everywhere and you're gonna insist on being known as that in the series, but I thought it was our little secret?

**Eugene:** One, the first thing you said. Two, the second thing you said. Three, don't worry, I've saved plenty of Fitzherbert-y secrets just for you. *gives her The Smoulder™*

**Rapunzel:** Oh yeah, like what?

**Sora:** It's his dick. The joke is that it's his dick.

**Eugene:** WHAT!? NO IT ISN'T!

**Donald:** What you do that requires safe words is up to you.

**Rapunzel:** To clarify, dick means penis, right?

**Donald:** Yes it does, and I'm honestly surprised you know that.

**Goofy:** Did Gothel teach you about rape culture to keep you further scared and isolated?

**Rapunzel:** Yep. Probably the thing that worked the best, honestly.

**Eugene:** Oh please, that's not a real thing!

**Sora:** ...Maximus, yip-yip.

**Maximus:** *gets in Eugene's face threateningly*

**Pascal:** *jumps from Rapunzel's shoulder to Eugene's and sticks his tongue in his ear*

**Eugene:** *shrieks* Okay, bad joke, I apologize, I won't repeat it!

**Everyone:** Good. *points and laughs at his discomfort*

**Kingdom of Corona title card:** ...Ending every planet on awkward group laughter, then?

**Ever After Keyblade:** Seems that way.

~Okay, bit of cleanup next chapter and then we'll never have to worry about Corona again for any reason ever! On a completely unrelated note, maybe don't go home for the holidays this year. Any of them. For fuck's sake.~


	16. Life After Happily Ever After Consists Of That One Dancing Mini-Game And That's It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **NEO TWEWY WHAT THE FUCK THIS IS AWESOME:** Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, _Serenity,_ the former Super Best Friends Play channel, and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Square Enix.

~Was gonna include this part in the last chapter but that shit ran _long_.~

**Maleficent and Pete:** *are overlooking a grassy cliff down at a river below; I genuinely didn't know if this was still Corona or the place where Axel and Kairi were training when I first played it*

**Pete:** There wasn't even a thing about a box on this planet, or did I get it confused with satchel because I'm an idiot.

**Maleficent:** Probably. We're honestly just here to remind people that we do, in fact, still exist.

**Pete:** I don't think anyone cares. Is there even a point to what we're doing? We were talkin' 'bout a book the last time anyone saw us, why're we looking for a box now?

**Maleficent:** 'Cause it was mentioned in the book I guess, I don't know, I've been time traveling for a while and my brain's fucked up. *walks away*

**Pete:** *grumbling* I time traveled and you didn't give _me_ any slack for it...

**Maleficent:** *summons a Dark Corridor* Shut up and come with.

**Pete:** Ooh, are we gonna get new designs in Monstropolous or something?

**Maleficent:** We're not going where those morons are going. No redesign for you, not after last time, that lion form was all kinds of fucked up. *walks incredibly slowly toward the Dark Corridor*

**Pete:** *very slowly follows her*

**Castle:** You sick of Corona yet or what?

~TOPICAL COMEDY! I FINALIZED THIS SECTION IN LIKE MAY WHY IS THIS STILL TOPICAL I HATE EVERYTHING!~

**Ienzo and Aeleus (I had Ienzo as Zexion in my notes what the hell):** *are talking to Mickey and Riku in Ansem's computer room thing*

**Mickey:** What? We're too late?

**Ienzo:** Yes, that is exactly what I just finished telling you. And it sure is inconvenient how the guy who knows all about Replicas who we want to talk to about Replicas would disappear the moment we need a Replica. Even became human again along with the rest of us, but Axel had fucked him up real bad so he was still in a coma until, coincidentally, Lea had already gone. The silent giant behind me and also Dilan went out to try to find him, but Even always was good at keeping a low profile.

**Aeleus:** Why can I not speak, did my seiyuu die as well or get busted with drugs or what?

**Mickey:** Not that I can tell but who cares, we need Even for this.

**Riku:** Did he not leave any notes behind? Maybe still in Castle Oblivion?

**Ienzo:** We got all that with us, but Vexen was destroyed before he could finish his written reports on your own Repliku as well as...nope, just Repliku. There may still be a few files I haven't found yet underneath all the furry porn— *motions to the computer* —but even then they'd be detailing his first failures as opposed to his more recent successes.

**Mickey:** Okay but are there _any_ leads.

**Ienzo:** We don't have a space program. Unless he somehow got hold of the powers of darkness, he'd still be stuck on this planet.

**Mickey:** If only we came to the conclusion that he might've become a Nobody again...even just to get revenge on Lea. You said Axel fucked him up super hard, right?

**Ienzo:** Yes, but he sent Repliku to finish me off and I'm fine with both Riku and Lea. Oh, and Aeleus is cool with you too, by the way.

**Riku:** I'd like to hear that from him.

**Aeleus:** I bet you would.

**Riku:** Also what about kidnapping. What if the Xehanorts also need Replicas for reasons?

**Mickey:** To fill out their numbers!

**Riku:** Exactly.

**Ienzo and Aeleus:** *look at each other silently*

**Mickey:** Time for another borderline useless meet-up with Noiti Sopxe! You ready?

**Riku:** Eh...

**Mickey:** Sora, Donald, and Goofy'll be there, too!

**Riku:** Ehhh...

~At least he gets to wait another planet.~

**Conveniently high cluster of stone pillars in the middle of the Keyblade Graveyard that either inspired the Round Room or Master Xehanort fashioned in order to resemble the Round Room:** *exists, and yes it is thirteen pillars total*

**Saïx:** *is standing on one of them* Humanity is a precious gift. And yet you desire to return to the Organization?

**Camera:** *pans around Saïx to reveal another hooded figure standing on a pillar beside his that is so obviously Vexen I don't know why they bothered hiding it*

**Vexen:** Why wouldn't I? I never want to see Axel again unless we're on opposing sides of the battlefield. Also I'm kinda hoping the boss-man'll pair him up with someone other than me since ice is weak to fire.

**Saïx:** Yeah but by killing you he also brought you back to life.

**Vexen:** Oddly defensive, aren't you? How you must miss him...

**Saïx:** _Miss_ him!? I don't _miss_ him!

**Vexen:** Uh-huh, sure. But by restoring my humanity, he also restored my guilt and my endless questioning over the ethics of my actions. And I do _not_ need that shit to do science.

**Saïx:** So you're good to make clones for us again?

**Vexen:** ...Obviously!? And this time I wanna make 'em better than real people. I don't wanna just make clones, I wanna make straight-up people. Given a heart, they can become just as real as any human.

**Saïx:** Well that's good, 'cause that's literally the only reason you're here. If you fail to deliver the goods, you're out.

**Vexen:** Shiny. *lowers hood, revealing with the yellow eyes that he's been Norted* Let's be bad guys.

~WHO COULD'VE POSSIBLY SEEN _THAT_ COMING!?~

**Chip and Dale:** NEW PLANETS AVAILABLE NOW GET HYPE.

**Sora:** Oooooh, a brand-new chunk of space to fly around in! Except Corona's still a thing I have to deal with, but I'd still rather go to a crowded restaurant in the middle of town instead of getting food a different way because I like the atmosphere better.

**ShieldEcho:** CAN YOU TELL THAT I'M STAYING WITH MY BOOMER PARENTS.

**Sora:** *heads back there first and makes a beeline for the restaurant, getting up to three stars fairly easily*

**Scrooge:** *pops through the kitchen door again* ALL O' THE MUNNYS ARE COMING IN YOU'RE DOIN' THE BIG GOOD JOB.

**Sora:** Neat. Where are my presents.

**Scrooge:** Right here, in me arse. *pulls two more wrapped packages out of his arse*

**Sora:** Thank you and good-bye. *high-fives Little Chef with his finger* Wait why did he wrap a single Elixir in such a massive box.

**Goofy:** Maybe the small box is the Elixir and the larger box is your to-go box?

**Sora:** I just made eight meals, they wouldn't all fit!

**Donald:** I'm still pretty sure you could've just used a save point for that, we didn't need to come all the way back here.

**Sora:** Yeah but your family's fun to check in on.

**Scrooge:** Ninjas. Worse than termites. Cannae ever get them out o' the rafters.

**Sora:** We miss so much cool shit when we're not here.

**Scrooge:** Good of ye to scavenge for so many ingredients repeatedly by digging through people's garbage, uprooting their garbage, and straight-up stealing from markets right in front of the merchants while they're too distracted by a festival to notice.

**Sora:** Honestly I got impatient and just went ahead and bought whatever ingredients were available to purchase. 'S a _lot_ quicker than farming for items.

**Scrooge:** How did you afford all that, anyway?

**Sora:** Louie put it on his corporate credit card.

**Scrooge:** Louie doesn't have a corporate credit card.

**Sora:** Oh. Louie gave me your credit card.

**Scrooge:** Great sacks of delirium!

**Louie:** *from across the street* My problem is I need money, and if you would just give it to me already, problem solved!

**Huey:** There you have it. Another brash young upstart destined to surpass his aging mentor.

**Scrooge:** Is the commentary still necessary.

**Huey:** It helps me feel in control during a frankly insane situation.

**Dewey:** *at the counter* Bill, bill, another bill; man, being an adult is _not_ fun.

**Sora:** Yeah so I just bought out all your stock again. I gave you the money you needed but now you have no more things to sell. Again.

**Louie:** What the—! The solution to the problem became an even bigger problem! Unless — Oh no, I'm the problem.

**Huey:** Yes! Of course! Obviously!

**Dewey:** I am more confused than usual.

**Goofy:** Should probably watch season three at some point.

**Donald:** We'll binge it once it's on Disney+; can we _go_ now?

**Sora:** Not just yet, there's still some more business involving Corona to deal with.

**Goofy:** Damn it, thought we were done with this shit.

**Sora:** Unfortunately I don't think we'll be done for a while. *heads back, teleporting directly into the village* Hey, Eugene. So Rapunzel's really not in the party anymore?

**Eugene:** Nope! She's stuck in the kingdom pretty much forever now. And by forever I mean season two of the show, which as you can see from the shortness of her hair has not happened yet.

**Sora:** Yeah I noticed that.

**Eugene:** You're looking at a lucky man, Sora. Every day with Rapunzel's better than the one before. It's just my luck to fall in love with the most compassionate person in the world. Though I'm floundering a little bit here; Flynn Rider was the closest thing to an identity I ever had, okay – sure, I was on the wrong side of the law, but I was my own man! In Corona, I'm just Rapunzel's incredibly attractive boyfriend, or that super super good-looking freeloader living in the castle. Oh right, I'm _living in the castle._ Never mind, everything's great!

**Donald:** We really _don't_ know much about Eugene's past, do we, especially since we missed that part of the movie. Heh, watch Flynn have turned out to be a prince himself this whole time or something.

**Sora:** What is this, _Spaceballs_? At this point that'd just be lazy writing, having the princess automatically having ended up with another royal.

**Donald:** Now if _Lance_ had been a prince this whole time...

**Sora:** Ooooh, that'd be neat! And infinitely more interesting, honestly I liked Lance way better than Flynn anyway.

**Donald:** Hey, d'you think those two were fucking?

**Sora:** I can see why you'd think that and I'm sure people ship them but I've always viewed them as queerplatonic at most. Now Rapunzel and Cass, on the other hand...

**Goofy:** Hey. No. Stop shipping real people. That's a bad.

**Sora:** I know, I'm just saying it helped me get through the show more easily by reading their relationship that way. 'Cause honestly I found the show itself to be pretty fucking boring.

**Eugene:** *is blissfully unaware of that entire conversation* Hey, sidekicks! What are you guys up to these days?

**Sora:** Grabbing more ingredients and checking out any extra dialogue options, mostly. Oh hey, Rapunzel!

**Rapunzel:** Hi, Sora!

**Sora:** *looking around* So where's Cassandra at? I figured she'd be here, she _is_ your handmaiden/practically your personal bodyguard, after all. And I doubt three whole seasons of the show have passed yet but I am curious as to whether or not you at least got the Contest of Crowns out of the way. I mean your official princess coronation _definitely_ hasn't happened yet, otherwise we'd be able to take you back out with us – except no we wouldn't, your father would never allow it. Fuck, I'm surprised he allowed you to just be out here dancing with everyone without having you elbow to elbow with like eight guards minimum. Should I be worried about snipers? I feel like I should be worried about snipers.

**Rapunzel:** *hastily* Would you like to dance?

**Sora:** I would not, I hate this mini-game for I am bad at it.

**Rapunzel:** *through gritted teeth* I'm so glad you came to visit.

**Sora:** I am too. Hey how insanely jealous are you that Eugene gets to come and go whenever he wants and you are quite literally trapped in this one dance square for the rest of the game?

**Rapunzel:** *clearly frustrated* Sora, how about another dance?

**Sora:** ...Yeah, I'll give it a go, but I'd be willing to give up very easily.. *attempts and wouldn't you know it sucks balls*

**Rapunzel:** *starts singing*  
 _This is life after Happily Ever After_  
 _And it's all just as sweet as the stories say_  
 _I feel wild, free, light as can be_  
 _And ready to explore_  
 _With nothing at all standing in my way_  
 _True, there are certain customs I have to follow_  
 _Several small obligations I can't avoid_  
 _A few rules, too—well, more than a few_  
 _Commitments by the score_  
 _Aside from all that, though, I'm overjoyed_  
 _And sure there are corsets and buckles and bows_  
 _Plus all those names to recall_  
 _Still, I can hardly complain, I suppose_  
 _This is Happily Ever After, after all_

**Sora:** *once the mini-game ends* Well I suck at this and will now ragequit.

**Goofy:** Rapunzel and Eugene'll be just fine as long as they've got each other.

**Donald:** Those two lovebirds haven't changed a bit.

**Sora:** You're telling me.

**Eugene and Rapunzel:** *are still singing*  
 _This is life after Happily Ever After_  
And our story has finally reached its end

**Eugene:**   
_Settling down here_

**Rapunzel:**   
_Year upon year_

**Eugene:**   
_Contented and secure_

**Rapunzel:**   
_With dozens of duties we'll have to tend_

**Eugene and Rapunzel:**   
_And now that we've gotten the dream that we chose_   
_Now that we're in for the haul_   
_Now our adventures can come to a close_   
_Living Happily Ever After, after all_

**Rapunzel:** *noticeably more subdued*  
 _Now that I've gotten_  
 _The dream that I chose_  
 _Why does my world feel so small_  
 _If this is it_  
 _And it is, I suppose_  
 _Is this Happily Ever After_  
 _After all_

**Sora:** Damn do I miss you as a party member already and resent the fact that this is the only way we can hang out anymore.

**Rapunzel:** Sorry, Sora, but I won't be swinging you across any more chasms.

**Sora:** Which is precisely why I now hate this planet. *leaves the planet and comes back for the sake of more planet-specific ingredients* ...Hey Rapunzel, can I ask you a question? That you are under no obligation to answer if you don't want to?

**Rapunzel:** Sure! I'll do what I can!

**Sora:** Cool. Um, what's your real name?

**Rapunzel:** Rapunzel?

**Sora:** Of course, sorry, sorry, I meant your birth name. Not the one Gothel gave you but the one your biological parents gave you.

**Rapunzel:** ...Still Rapunzel.

**Sora:** ...Wut.

**Eugene:** Why exactly are you so surprised?

**Donald:** Yeah, there was that part of the show where it was revealed that her father would leave her letters in the lanterns, and all of them were addressed to Rapunzel specifically.

**Sora:** ...So why didn't Eugene recognize that that was the _lost princess's_ name when he first ran into her? Shit would've gotten done _so_ much more quickly that way, and would also probably be basically a ripoff of _Anastasia_ but since that was a ripoff of Disney movies anyway who cares. Like, I almost would've bought if if there was some kind of Coronan tradition that made people not name their kids until a certain age, especially with the circumstances surrounding Rapunzel's birth in the first place. But really this _proves_ that Gothel was a particularly shitty villain because _if she really wanted to not get caught she should have given Rapunzel a different name._ Then the show could've had an episode or two with Rapunzel having to reconcile which name she felt was her real one, which in turn could've been something that she and Eugene could have realistically bonded over, especially in later seasons. Eugene sees Flynn Rider as his past self, but he's up for putting that part of himself back on for the sake of the conflict of the week and never saw himself as Horace at all because that was a life he never got to lead; Rapunzel could potentially have used her royal name with the public and what she felt to be her real name with her friends, or there could've been a whole thing where she abandoned the name her abuser had given her entirely. _Either_ thing would've been way more interesting than the bog-standard kids show bullshit, and would've resonated with a surprising number of people probably.

**Goofy:** You've really thought about this a lot, haven't you.

**Sora:** Oh boy have I. Mainly about how Gothel's a terrible villain and how Eugene is really quite stupid. As are most of the townsfolk, probably, I somehow doubt Eugene never said Rapunzel's name once the entire day they were in the village together.

**Rapunzel:** *shrugs* The world is full of things you can't explain.

**Eugene:** She's right! Where does the wind come from? Why are mimes so creepy? Why is _Peggy_ short for Margaret. Who knows, really!

**Sora:** ...Continuing the topic of names, Eugene, why do you insist on pronouncing it Cass-AND-ra when everyone else including Cass herself pronounces it Cass-AH-ndra.

**Eugene:** Easy. Because it pisses her off.

**Sora:** ...You of all people should know what it feels like to not be called what you want to be called.

**Eugene:** Ah but you see, I don't like Cass-AND-ra as a person so that makes it okay.

**Sora:** It really, _really_ fucking doesn't.

**Donald:** Didn't you insist on calling Leon “Squall” for years despite his protestations?

**Sora:** I did, which is how I know it was wrong and is the main reason I'm pissed that he only shows up in the DLC because I wanted to apologize to his face whether he forgave me or not.

**Donald:** ...Huh.

**Goofy:** Our boy's really growing up! A-hyuck!

**Sora:** Okay I've had enough of Corona, time to go out and do something, I'm sure it's safe. *goes out into space and enters the Misty Stream section where he wastes a good couple of hours doing everything except actually visiting the planets he's supposed to* Okay, up to level 74, got all the blueprints and constellations, defeated all the normal enemies and _most_ of the bosses...I've heard that the Endymion is actually the easiest way to beat the Schwarzgeist. I'm, uh, I'm gonna try it.

**Donald:** You are _not._

**Sora:** No, this is happening. Never second-guess yourself, always do the dumb thing.

**Donald:** I advise you, as kind of sort of your friend, that you should not attempt this.

**Sora:** Too late, already flew through the tornado. *dies immediately* Okay NOPE.

**Donald:** Fucking told you.

**Sora:** Hey how 'bout fuck you.

~Did _not_ have Auto-Life or Repair Kit equipped. Can't even _get_ the Repair Kit unless you do the Dreadshark boss right before Monstropolis anyway.~


	17. I Get Super Preachy In This One!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **The fucking day after I post a thing with a bunch of DuckTales quotes we all find out the show got canceled what the shit:** The former Super Best Friends Play channel, _Star Trek 2: Wrath of Khan, The Hobbit, Kung Pow: Enter the Fist,_ Red Letter Media, _Harry Potter,_ Firefly, Code MENT, _Monty Python's the Meaning of Life,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Square Enix.

~Speaking of that Dreadshark fight right before Monstropolis...~

**Sora:** *approaching the planet with the Sirius and the tiny bike mini ships* HEY new planet. I like how it's more doors than planet, that's cool.

**Monstropolis:** *is suddenly surrounded in a giant ball of darkness with a giant metal serpent visibly inside*

**Sora:** ...Or...

**Dreadshark:** *appears*

**Donald:** Danger!

**Sora:** Yeah no shit. *beats it in less than two minutes* ...There's a chance I'm overpowered.

~And I haven't even used any cheats yet!~

**Exterior of Monsters, Inc:** *is huge and imposing*

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *are walking toward it, not realizing they look different yet even though Sora is walking ahead of the other two*

**Sora:** *motions the other two forward, catching them in his periphery, and turning around much more quickly to take them both in*

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *all leap away from each other in fear, weapons drawn*

**Sora:** ...Okay I can recognize you from the weapons and kind of the outfits but what the hell though.

**Donald:** That's what I was gonna say.

**Goofy:** I think I peed a little. *vanishes his weapon; the other two do as well* How much shit do you have in your pants right now.

**Sora:** *looks down at his hands and the rest of his body* ...I'm...I'm not wearing _any_ pants...

**Donald:** Now you know how we feel.

**Sora:** Merlin you two are hideous, back the hell up.

**Donald:** POT MEET KETTLE.

**Goofy:** You know what's great is that most scary things can't do much if you put your hands over your eyes.

**Donald:** It basically removes them from existence.

**Sora:** *looks around at the power plant* Gonna be a little difficult to remember that the inhabitants of this planet aren't really humanoid...

**Goofy:** *whispers to Donald* I mean, neither are we, but I guess animals are still recognizable as things not to attack generally. Also let's laugh at Sora's cowardice.

**Donald:** Laughing at people's legitimate fears sure is fun! Everyone should try it!

**Sora:** *reading the motto on the front of the building* According to the Laugh Floor in Disney World, the new tagline is supposed to be “The Future of Energy is a Joke.” Sulley's been in charge for how long and he still hasn't taken down/changed the “We Scare Because We Care” thing yet?

**Donald:** There's a scaffold built under it so it looks like they're _planning_ to change it, but yeah I never really liked that motto either.

**Goofy:** No matter how you try to argue that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, I personally don't think that traumatizing children, possibly for life, makes you a very caring individual.

**Sora:** Also they probably look as gross as us. I say we immediately judge based on appearance and butcher everything we see that looks monstrous. It's worked out for us so far.

**Donald and Goofy:** Beast's Castle.

**Sora:** Fuck you. Let's head inside this one building and stay there for the duration and never explore the rest of the planet. *leads the way inside*

**Monstropolis title card:** *has a really sick intro with the door motif reminiscent of the beginning of the movie*

**Doors of Monsters, Inc.:** *open*

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *slowly walk through and instantly get into an attack stance at the sight of Mike and Sulley playing with Boo in the middle of the reception room*

**Sora:** Oh no! That giant blue monster is attacking that child! *blinks* Wait why do I care, I hate kids. You know what's the best amount of children?

**Donald:** Zero?

**Sora:** That's correct! Maybe one out of a hundred children are not worth murdering, a quote that I thought I would want to take back. But then didn't.

**Boo:** Boo! *points over Sulley's shoulder at Sora, Donald, and Goofy*

**Sulley:** *turns around* Huh, I thought we'd cleared up for the day, what are a teenager and his two dads doing here?

**Mike:** Careful, Sulley! I don't know how far word has spread about kids not being toxic yet, but even if it has, we're still not supposed to bring them into our world and just hang out with them! Either way, we're screwed!

**Sulley:** Eh.

**Mike:** Sulley. You are the CEO now. The _CEO._ You could get ousted for this!

**Sulley:** Whatever. *puts Boo down*

**Mike:** Christ, this is why it took so long for us to become friends, ya piece of shit. *runs up to Sora, Donald, and Goofy* Hey, uh, we have no idea how the kid got out but we're gonna put it back. Everything is under control, Sulley knows exactly what he's doing, there is absolutely no cause to notify the CDA or the press, right? 'C-'Cause we _already_ notified the CDA! Code 835! See? Everything's under—Ah!

**Sora:** *points Oblivion in Mike's face* Are you trying to scare that little girl that I suddenly somehow care about because everyone automatically has to care about the child character in every piece of media simply because they are a child which gives writers a free pass to not even bother characterizing them in most cases?

**Mike:** Seriously, how behind _are_ you people, I thought that magazine got wide distribution! _We don't scare anymore,_ how many times do we have to say it!?

**Sulley:** We only just turned the company around, presumably, these things take time, relax.

**Goofy:** Hey, maybe pay some actual attention to the child before deciding what's best for her?

**Boo:** *jumping around Sulley and giggling at his head pats*

**Sora:** *vanishes Oblivion and walks up to Boo* ...Fuggit, apparently I'm good with kids now. Probably because I know this one's actually a halfway decent character. *crouches down* My name's Sora, what's y—

**Boo:** Boo! *rushes forward and stops right in front of him*

**Sora:** ...In no way do I believe that's your real name but sure.

**Boo:** *scream-laughs with no power fluctuations whatsoever*

**Mike:** Oh, so word about humans not being toxic _did_ get out at least a little, that's good.

**Boo:** *points at Donald* Mike Wazowski!

**Donald:** *blinks vacantly at her with his one eye*

**Mike:** Can you not tell the difference between green and blue? _I'm_ Mike Wazowski!

**Boo:** Mike Wazowski! *continues to point at Donald while jumping up and down excitedly*

**Mike:** *long-suffering sigh*

**Sulley:** Mike. You both have one eye. She's a kid. Get over it.

**Donald:** I refuse! My name is Donald Duck!

**Boo:** Mike Wazowski! *starts chasing Donald around*

**Goofy:** ...So I'm Goofy.

**Sulley:** I'm Sulley, and your eyes are disturbing even by our standards, good for you. And this is—

**Sora:** Mike Wazowski?

**Sulley:** HOW DID YOU KNOW!?

**Boo:** *hops around everyone, making them laugh at her antics until she gets scared and hides behind Sulley*

**Sulley:** Hey, you okay?

**Boo:** *whimpers*

**Donald:** That's a no—WAK!

**Floods:** *appear behind him*

**Goofy and Donald:** Heartless!

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *ready their weapons and get in front of Mike, Sulley, and Boo*

**Fuckton of Floods and a Spiked Turtlehead:** *appear*

**Sora:** ...I don't really recognize that symbol, do you two?

**Donald:** Maybe?

**Goofy:** It's been over a decade and we've dealt with like three breeds of enemies since; I think we can be forgiven for forgetting.

**Sora:** So these monsters aren't like those monsters, right? We can murder 'em, right?

**Sulley and Mike:** *run up to Celia's desk and place Boo behind it on the chair*

**Sulley:** Stay here. Kitty will be back.

**Boo:** *nods and crouches down*

**Sulley:** *smiles in satisfaction*

**Mike:** ...So should we help them, or...?

**Sulley:** Well, Boo doesn't like those blue things, so I say that justifies murder of possibly our own kind, we never establish that they're not.

**Mike:** All right! Let's join the party! *runs up to Sora, Donald, and Goofy with Sulley and they literally join the party*

**Unversed:** *are destroyed*

**Mike and Sulley:** *high-five*

**Mike:** And here I thought you'd be out of shape since you've been spending most of your time behind a desk!

**Sulley:** Can still kick your butt, though.

**Boo:** *pops up behind a desk* Kitty!

**Sulley:** Well, she's no longer scared, so I guess that means we're safe. *runs up to get her*

**Mike:** *to Sora, Donald, and Goofy* Hey, who were those guys, anyway?

**Sora:** Not rightly sure. I mean, I don't remember fighting them before, and yet there's something almost...nostalgic about them. Then again that's me practically describing this whole series, so...

**Goofy:** I just had a thought. It was right there, on the top of my tongue.

**Donald:** Oh no.

**Goofy:** Oh! It's not a thought at all!

**Sora:** And here we go.

**Goofy:** It's a silly old...

**Donald:** I hate everything.

**Goofy:** Stick insect!

**Sora:** Oy vey.

**Goofy:** Also eleven plus years ago the king mentioned having to fight enemies made up of negative emotions.

**Donald:** Oh, you mean the Unversed?

**Goofy:** Yep, that's it!

**Sora:** What're Unversed?

**Goofy:** An enemy type that Donald and I never fought personally so we can't be blamed for not immediately remembering them.

**Mike:** The heck're they talking about?

**Sulley:** No idea.

**Goofy:** The king did fight a bunch of 'em, though, alongside Ven and Aqua. I suppose Terra must've fought 'em too, but the King never actually met him.

**Sora:** The BBS crew? So we're fighting BBS enemies now?

**Donald:** The Floods, anyway. They're like the Unversed equivalent of Shadows to Heartless. I think the rest of the designs might be new, though. Also I miss those three, they actually seemed useful.

**Sora:** Yeah, I can see how staring into the face of something you could never be would be frustrating.

**Donald:** Dine on a dong.

**Goofy:** Okay but why would BBS mon...enemies be showing up here, now?

**Donald:** Maybe because fear counts as a negative emotion? *glares in Mike and Sulley's direction*

**Mike:** Hey, I told you we're through using that!

**Sulley:** *is now holding Boo*

**Mike:** Also we have no idea what any of you are saying.

**Sora:** Well, there's this monarch—

**Donald and Goofy:** *run up to cover Sora's mouth* Would you stop talking multiverse theory with random strangers already!?

**Mike:** What even is.

**Sora:** *pushes the other two off of him* ...This planet has countries, right? Well, we're from...a different one. That speaks the same language and has roughly the same accent. And we've been sent here as a kind of...pest control group. Thing. Yeah.

**Mike:** Uh-huh, and which country would that be?

**Goofy:** Don't worry about it.

**Mike:** This seems incredibly suspicious and we have no reason to trust you whatsoever.

**Sora:** I implore you to reconsider.

**Mike:** Hmm. Okay! So those things were dangerous, right?

**Donald:** They will literally try to kill you on sight.

**Sulley:** That _is_ bad, but more importantly they scared Boo.

**Boo:** *nods*

**Mike:** Sulley, there's a very strong implication that this is the night after the movie ended, so this is the first time you've seen Boo since we took down Waternoose. But if the company's overrun like it appears to be, we gotta send her back home now. For who knows how long, frankly...Oh no, what'll that do for the company itself, are we gonna have to shut this all down until this entire long-term problem goes away or at least seems to have done so?

**Sulley:** You're right, Mikey, we _do_ have to concentrate on sending Boo home and nothing else.

**Mike:** ...Exactly why are _you_ in charge again...

**Sora:** So, uh, what exactly's going on?

**Mike:** I don't know why I'm framing this as if it's new information since it's literally common knowledge that the monster world and the human world are loosely connected, but, uh, yeah, Boo needs to be sent back to her own dimension. Where nothing bad _ever_ happens.

**Sora:** Huh. It's almost as if we've found a whole planet who wouldn't bat an eye at the idea of a multiverse. *glares at Donald and Goofy* But yeah, want a hand?

**Mike:** For real?

**Sora:** I mean, fighting the Unversed _is_ part of the job description. Why shouldn't we help? *holds out his hand, then hesitates* I mean, we know it's kind of a hard sell, and after Buzz we know it's kind of a big ask for people to just start trusting us unconditionally, so we'll understand if you say no—

**Mike:** LET'S DO THIS. *eagerly shakes Sora's hand*

**Sulley:** What he said.

**Sora:** ...Well okay then. *scratches nose*

**Player:** Don't touch you face.

**Boo:** *runs around, giggling*

**Sulley and Mike:** YAY WE STILL TECHNICALLY GET TO PLAY AS WE'RE SENDING HER OFF! *chase after her*

**Donald:** Okay I get needing to find out the deal with the Unversed plus the fact that these two clearly know the layout of the building, but do we always _have_ to help out?

**Sora:** The entire point of these games is Disney nostalgia and fanservice, and now that we're finally allowed to hang out with Pixar characters you want to _not_ do that!? Also Unversed. Should probably fight that shit. *watches Sulley throw Boo up into the air and catch her again before pacing her back down*

**Sulley:** I'll feel much better when Boo's back in her own room.

**Mike:** Me too. Good thing the Laugh Floor's not too far.

**Goofy:** Come on, fellas!

**Sora:** ...Aren't there multiple Laugh Floors? Or has only one Scare Floor been converted so far.

**Mike:** Who the heck knows, but it is the one that's still on the ground floor, making it easier to get to.

**Sora:** Fair enough. *looks around* Huh. The Laugh Floor at Disney World has Mike and various others as Monsters of Comedy for the past year, yet this wall still has Sulley as Scarer of the Month for the past eleven months. Guess the attraction at the park takes place further along in the timeline. *explores and kills a few things*

**Donald:** *staring after their new party members* I'll be real, I thought Sulley's fur would look better.

**Goofy:** I mean it's nowhere near movie perfect but it looks great for an in-game engine. Also Boo's adorable.

**Donald:** This is true. Sora, get a picture!

**Sora:** I already got four!

**Sulley:** You're not gonna take pictures of us?

**Sora:** I'm waiting for a more...opportune moment. Ooooh, save point.

**Mike:** Welcome to Monsters, Incorporated.

**Sora:** Thanks, I guess.

**Mike:** Pretty impressive place, huh?

**Sora:** I mean after the previous level designs I don't think interior corridor after interior corridor will quite compare...

**Sulley:** Those creatures sure aren't from Monstropolis.

**Sora:** ...So is this the _planet_ name or just the city name that is now its own microplanet?

**Sulley:** I really think we need to get Boo home.

**Sora:** You really want this level done and over with, don't you. *continues down the hallway*

**Mike:** *singing-ish* _Gotta send her home right now, or so help me..._ So help me! So help me!

**Sora:** I CLAPPED WHEN I SAW IT!

**Sulley:** I don't really know why I'm explaining our lore to you three random strangers, but I guess as CEO I gotta practice presenting or something so here goes: Monsters Incorporated used to rely on continued forced child trauma because that somehow translated as power in this dimension. But now we got the much healthier route of collecting human joy. It's like ten times more powerful, I don't know why no one's tried it before beyond humans being considered toxic up until recently so no one was willing to study something so deadly.

**Sora:** So you guys are like dementors, or...?

**Sulley:** Oh, no, it's not like we suck that specific emotion out of 'em; it's all audio-based.

**Sora:** Oh, okay then.

**Boo:** *jumps up and down and starts pointing while gurgling* 

**Sulley:** And we never would've figured it out without the reluctant father/adopted daughter trope.

**Sora:** As fond/preferential as I am of found family stories, I am starting to get sick of that one in particular. Or I would be if they didn't keep being done so well...

**Donald:** You ever gonna actually play Last of Us 2?

**Sora:** Media that isn't meant to be fun will always have its place but I am not at that stage at present and wish to enjoy things, so for now I will be avoiding that shit. Or at least avoiding playing it, I've already watched a few streams by _fun_ people I like.

**Sulley:** *from off* Easy with the swearing, we got a toddler over here!

**Sora:** ...Here's the deal. A lot of people like me will say that children are stupid and have no value, because they're stupid and have no value.

**Sulley:** Hey!

**Sora:** What, I didn't swear, now did I.

**Goofy:** ANYWAY. Remember how our ship runs on happy faces that hasn't really been brought up since it was first introduced in KHI? I guess they have similar technology!

**Donald:** Well we do like to laugh at all of Sora's collective failures.

**Sora:** You were voiced by f...reaking _Don Cheadle_ at one point, how is that _not_ hilarious!?

**Unversed:** *suddenly pop up all over the Laugh Floor that everyone was standing at the entrance to this entire time and start messing with all the doors, including going in and out of them into the human world*

**Sora:** Well this ain't good. *summons Oblivion* Time to go kill people's depression. Physically.

**Mike and Sulley:** *kind of stand staring in shock while Boo runs and hides*

**Sulley:** How much're these damages gonna set us back...

**Mike:** And of _course_ they already sent Boo's door back... *points to it being sent back and going out of sight*

**Sulley:** *starts running forward*

**Mike:** Dude. Kid. Get.

**Sulley:** *goes back and scoops up Boo, placing her near one of the desks which she hides behind, whimpering* Extended game of hide and seek it is! *goes to join the fight*

**Boo:** *peeks out after him but then a Flood pops up and she hides again*

**Invisible wall:** *transparently manifests itself behind Sulley, who's magically back at the entrance to the room and running forward once again*

**Sora:** Y'all ready for this? *kills everything*

**Sulley:** Okay I'm worrying way less about our chances now.

**Mike:** *runs up to the door terminals and swipes three different key cards in three different terminals, grinning when three different doors are sent over and placed in their terminals* Did the thing!

**Sulley:** Shiny.

**Mike:** *turns to Sora* Boo's door was destroyed back in the day, as was her key card, so we gotta find her door the old fashioned way. Grab on when you've scoured the room for chests and Hidden Mickeys.

**Sora:** I _shall!_

**Goofy:** I wonder where Boo's door flew off to.

**Sulley:** Sora, look.

**Sora:** I _am_ looking. *backtracks to examine Roz's office* ...I honestly never noticed it before, but watching the old film back to back with _Monsters University_ made me sort of hyper aware that there were only three real female characters in the entire original movie, and one of them was voiced by a man while another was thought of more as a child character than a female character. And two of said characters held secretarial positions and weren't scarers or assistants themselves. This made me wonder if women were even allowed to be on the Scare Floor and whether or not there were any other female employees at the CDA besides Roz.

**Mike:** We have other floors, you know. Also there was at least one female scarer on the floor back when we were in college, plus the previous holder of the all-time scare record was a woman, who last I checked may or may not still be the dean of our old alma mater.

**Sora:** Yeah, in the _prequel_ movie they had female scarers, so where'd they all go by the time the two of you were at the top?

**Donald:** Probably turned into a toxic work environment.

**Mike:** Are you accusing us of—

**Donald:** I'm not saying the two of you caused it, I'm saying I doubt you did anything to stop it because you didn't notice anything wrong because you don't have that kind of experience. Or you did and didn't consider it any of your business. Not sure which is worse, honestly...

**Goofy:** Plus the fact that you immediately get on the defensive instead of acknowledging that there might've been wrongdoing, whether it was your fault or not, doesn't help your case either.

**Mike:** Well obviously! Being wrong feels bad!

**Sulley:** Huh boy.

**Sora:** It just rubs me the wrong way. Like, there was that only scene I liked in the prequel where Terry and Terri, a two-headed monster who didn't think they had a future, saw a three-headed monster on the Scare Floor and were inspired. It was a moment where Disney/Pixar sort of acknowledged that representation matters, as long as you only have symbolic representation and not actual representation.

**Goofy:** I just remembered that there was that one monster in the original movie who had longer eyelashes, and we all know what that means in animated movies.

**Sora:** They did end up speaking with a deeper, more masculine voice later on, but I don't want to assume anything so I'll just shut up now.

**Goofy:** Probably wise.

**Mike:** Why do you care? This doesn't affect you anyway, you're a guy!

**Sora:** It doesn't matter that it doesn't affect me; I'm not the only person in the universe and none of us live in a vacuum. Other people exist and they experience life differently from me, and would like to see that experience reflected in media so they have something to connect to. Honestly I didn't really give this any thought until Kairi expressed her desire to become a Keyblade wielder herself and I started hearing about Master Aqua, which made me realize that I didn't think that there _could_ be Keyblade wielders who weren't men. It's almost as if people who aren't men can also do things, and we need to not only let them do things but show that it's possible. _Everyone_ should have those kinds of choices and opportunities, no matter what they were born as.

**Sulley:** Can you repeat all that, I feel like I need to say something along those lines when I speak at the next all-male shareholders meeting.

**Donald:** That is sadly unsurprising. Do you at least have female comedians on the Laugh Floor?

**Mike:** I would if women were funny.

**Sora:** I will _bodily_ force you to watch _The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel._

**Donald:** I call that one “I Tricked My Girlfriend Into Watching Stand-Up With Me”!

**Goofy:** Apt. Also remember who was in charge of Pixar when both of these films were made.

**Sora:** Sound point, I guess I'll drop it for now. Hey we were talking about Roz earlier; how did you not recognize her when you were kicked out of college in part by her?

**Sulley:** Oh we were too in shock to take anything in at the time.

**Sora:** Fair enough. *pokes around some of the desks on the Laugh Floor and sees a photo of the Pizza Planet van* ...There was also a Pizza Planet van parked outside of Galaxy Toys...Does this planet and the Toy Box already have some kind of familiarity with each other...?

**Boo:** *is a cute*

**Sora:** It's really too bad that Boo doesn't have a talk option so we could just get baby noises whenever wait that is a _terrible_ idea never listen to me ever again.

**Donald:** Gladly.

**Sora:** Fu...Screw you?

**Sulley:** I'll allow it.

**Mike:** *next to the doors they're supposed to ride* Don't take too long. We gotta go after that door!

**Sora:** Oh don't worry, things won't advance unless I choose to move forward with things.

**Mike:** We're after the white door with flowers on it.

**Sora:** Yeah why isn't it more fucked up since you had to put it back together from wood chips? Did you put a new coat of paint on it, or...?

**Sulley:** We're gonna make it, guys!

**ShieldEcho:** My original notes had “guys” as “busy” somehow and I couldn't for the life of me figure out what I'd meant. This is why this shit takes so long, I keep having to replay entire areas for minute details.

**Sulley:** C'mon! Boo's door is getting away!

**Sora:** *leaps up and grabs the top of the yellow door* Okay, I guess.

**Mike:** *hits a button and the door rises up*

**Donald and Goofy:** *take the red one*

**Sulley, Boo, and Mike:** *take the brown one, Mike barely clinging to Sulley's tail as Boo laughs at him*

**Sulley:** You holding on, Boo? I know I got you but you can't squirm too much or I'll drop you.

**Mike:** *climbs onto his back*

**Doors:** *start to get sent back*

**Randall's silhouette:** *is watching them from the floor*

**Mike:** Hey I'm getting the feeling that our major goal is to send Boo back home for the night, anyone else have that feeling?

**Randall:** *becomes visible again as the doors swing out of view* Oh, I just got a cunning plan.

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *are in awe at the door sorting station place thing*

**Sora:** So, not that I'm ungrateful, but why do I get a door to myself while everyone else has to share – oh. Oh I have to clear the way of Unversed, that's why—IS BOO ONE OF THE NEW SEVEN HEARTS, WHAT EVEN IS.

**Mike:** I have no idea what you're talking about but I don't know how to fight these guys in this setting.

**Sora:** I just said I got it. *Flowmotions down the railing, ducking down behind the door when he has to avoid the electric sections and killing all the Heartless along the way* Wonder why I'm surprised to see Heartless on this planet later, they're right here. *leaps down onto a small patch of floor along with everyone else*

**Mike:** *runs toward a door still stuck in its metal sleeve, the rest catching up as he opens it* Ah sh-shoot, it's offline. *closes it again as Heartless appear behind the group* 'Coulda sworn I turned them all on before we went up...Ah well, should be easy enough to turn back on.

**Sulley:** You guys fight, I'll watch Boo, this is a _really_ confined area. I say as I'm running forward as if I'm gonna fight.

**Mike:** I don't know why I'm saying this as we're about to fight except as an explanation for why I'm still fighting, but the only way to open the door is to make Boo laugh.

**Sora:** And we do that by...murdering anything and everything in our path?

**Mike:** Oh yeah, kid _loves_ violence.

**Sora:** ...Right...

**Boo:** *is kind of just standing on an overturned door on the floor kind of close to the center and somehow never gets attacked because Sulley's there I guess*

**Sulley:** Good, we got 'em all except we didn't.

**A bunch of Soldiers:** *surround him and Boo*

**Others:** *now have to somehow make Boo laugh and increase her laugh bar through the power of mass slaughter*

**Sora:** It's gonna be a miracle if that girl doesn't grow up to be a psychopath. *fills up the laugh bar*

**Everyone:** *bunches up and does a combination scary growl and funny face to send the Heartless flying backwards somehow, at which point Sora grabs Mike decidedly without his consent and chucks him like a bowling ball which somehow succeeds in destroying all the Heartless at once and also Sora learns Fira*

**Boo:** *laughs big lots*

**Door:** *is activated*

**Sulley:** *opens it* It is open now. *goes through, Boo following him and the rest following after*

**Sora:** *closes the door behind them*

**Sulley:** *opens a green door onto a different section of the sorting area wherever*

**Sora:** *is the last one out and once again closes the door behind him* So were we just in another dimension just now, or...?

**Mike:** Yeah, probably, don't worry about it.

**Sora:** Exactly how does that work anyway? How do certain doors go to certain sections of that other dimension?

**Mike:** I don't know, I didn't major in that and only took a couple of scare can design classes.

**Sora:** Still, you'd think something like that would be a requirement to graduate.

**Mike:** Maybe it was, but we never finished so I couldn't tell you.

**Sulley:** Everyone shut up, I found Boo's door, it's up there! *hurries forward with Boo*

**Mike:** Ready for more rail fighting or whatever?

**Sora:** Seeing as I'm gonna have to get used to these routes in order to secure certain materials for synthesis, I might as well practice now.

**Donald:** We have to find Boo's door.

**Sora:** I'm aware, Donald.

**Mike:** Over there. Look! Over there!

**Sora:** Uh-huh. *does more rail fighting*

**Mike:** *from a door behind Sora* There's Boo's door!

**Sora:** *jumps for it and misses by inches, landing on another rail* Damn it, I don't learn to double jump until Arendelle... *lands on another platform, kills a bunch of Heartless, and goes through another door onto the lower level*

**Mike:** Boo's door should be right around here somewhere.

**Donald:** Everybody look!

**Mike:** *standing by the rows of doors* This door should take us right back to the Laugh Floor.

**Sora:** Noted. *moves on ahead into the room*

**Sulley:** There it is! *pushes Sora and Goofy aside to walk up to a white door with flowers on it, opening it and going inside, everyone piling in after him and Boo, Goofy closing the door behind them*

**Randall:** *appears on the door that everyone had to open inwardly and somehow not even Sulley brushed against him even though while not dummy thicc he's not exactly wafer thin either, and then he slips inside the room as well, completely visible for some reason*

**Everyone:** *somehow exits through a different floor without appearing to go through any other doors*

**Sora:** ...We're not in the human world at all right now, are we.

**Randall:** *apparently _did_ turn invisible when he went in, good for him; appears mouth and eyes first before the rest of him shows up* No you are not. And you'll never see the outside of this room either.

**Sulley:** Not your best threat, Randall.

**Mike:** Yeah, put that up there with the “winds of change” line, I don't care if that was on your motivational poster back in our dorm room, it was a garbage message then and it was a pathetic one-liner when you tried it.

**Sora:** Who's this guy?

**Sulley:** My old rival and Mike's old roommate.

**Mike:** Fun fact: I told him to use his natural invisibility powers; he was never going to until I suggested it. And his squinty eyes? He needs glasses! But he can't wear 'em or they'd give him away, and unfortunately he's one of those people who can't handle contacts. He used to be kind of a nice person, but then he joined the coolest frat in school and kind of went mad with power. He's been like that ever since.

**Sora:** He ever hold the fact that he graduated while you two didn't over your heads?

**Mike:** Nah, Sulley's too tall.

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** Boo.

**Boo:** *giggles*

**Sulley:** He used to work here with us until he teamed up with our old boss to try and kidnap children and force them to scream full-time for them. That machine _did_ appear to act like a dementor. And Boo is two at _best._

**Sora:** Sh...uh, boy-howdy, that's no good.

**Sulley:** Nope. Also he used to be Boo's personal scarer, but look at how much she's grown, look at her growling at him instead of vice versa, isn't she the best?

**Mike:** The heck'd you even get back here, we sent you to an abandoned trailer park and destroyed that door!

**Randall:** Yep, and I was almost flat-out murdered and skinned, thanks for that. Now what _could_ have happened was that I just left and found a new door eventually, like you two had established was entirely possible...oooor dumb KH plot where an OC helped me get back here so I could do most of his dirty work for him with a dish best served cold as payment.

**Goofy:** Is it ice cream?

**Randall:** No, revenge!

**Mike:** Grr. Arg.

**Randall:** So, once I murder you, I figure I'll finally be number one around here!

**Mike:** Somehow I doubt that. *punches him lightly in the gut* Or did you not hear that we're collecting laughs instead of screams these days? I'm a natural at it and, unless you one day decide to put your glasses back on, you only kind of read as scary.

**Randall:** Yeah, I'm gonna stick with scares, actually. It's specifically what I'm looking for: fear and other negative emotions like it.

**Sulley:** I don't think he knows I'm CEO and would never allow us to go back.

**Mike:** I don't think he's actually listening to us at all.

**Sora:** Considering Mike and Sulley still expect us to be scared of children, could it be that news hasn't become as widespread as it could be just yet? Could there also be a sort of prejudice thing going on with monsters who refuse change and still insist that humans are toxic?

**Randall:** Nah, none of that.

**Sora:** Oh. Pity, that'd be actually interesting.

**Randall:** Yeah, that OC I mentioned? Pretty sure he's gonna make it so you two aren't in charge for much longer.

**Sora:** This OC, is he the one who let in the Unversed to trash the place?

**Donald:** Probably.

**Goofy:** But who, though, 'cause apart from Master Xehanort eventually becoming Xemnas, I don't know of anyone in Organization XIII who knew about the Unversed – wait, Xigbar, never mind. But I thought he was Olympus-only, though.

**Randall:** Look, the human (and possibly monster) brain holds onto negative emotions for longer than positive ones as a survival mechanism; it's constantly reminding you what it was like to feel bad so you can avoid events that made you feel like that in the future. That's why it's actually physically harder to be happy for longer than short bursts of time, and why depression and other conditions like PTSD are such massive problems, or at least one of the reasons. Shit like that can be super easy to cause, especially in people who don't bounce back easily: one traumatic experience is enough to ruin someone's life permanently, _especially_ when they're young. So it's a much longer lasting energy plan if you really think about it.

**Sora:** You lost me at the idea of intentionally traumatizing children. *draws Oblivion* Now you don't look like much of a fighter, but then again neither do Floods, and I've murdered dozens of _those_ in the past hour.

**Randall:** Just try and stop me.

**Sora:** What I should do is say “Okay” and chop you in half with Oblivion, but I'm not gonna do that for some reason.

**Randall:** Good, because I am gonna be a legend around this place.

**Mike:** You kinda already are, just not for the reasons you want—

**Randall:** Now, consider _your_ careers officially over.

**Mike:** Oh, you're still talking. And does that mean you're going to kill us, or—?

**Randall:** Yes. Yes it does. All of you. Now. *turns invisible*

**Sora:** Oh no, he's gone...If only I knew of any magic that had a wide area of effect. Also if only we could fight him directly, fighting an invisible lizard thing isn't exactly new for this series anyway...

**Randall's voice over the intercom:** Oh and I set up some fun death traps all around the factory in addition to releasing Heartless and Unversed everywhere. Have fun dying!

**Mike:** Well he's fun. Hey, you think we should try to kill _him_ this time? It is his turn.

**Sulley:** Nah, we want to set at least a semi-decent example for Boo. So I say we send her home and _then_ take care of him when she's not around to watch.

**Mike:** Now you're talking by language!

**Sulley:** Good, now in addition to us having to navigate these death traps of Randall's, I'm just not as familiar with this part of the company building. Y'all ready to get lost?

**Everyone:** We sure are!

~I despise the way they spell Sulley and Randall. Just take out a letter, you're wasting time and space, I hate that shit, plus auto-correct keeps wanting to change Sulley to Sully anyway.~


	18. Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Immediately

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **I don't even own a Switch let alone play Smash but the unearthly shriek that came out of my mouth when Sephiroth was announced was something to behold:** _Farscape, Kung Pow: Enter the Fist,_ the former Super Best Friends Play channel, _Hamilton, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Square Enix.

~This used to be one of my favorite Pixar movies, and now looking back on it, aside from the ending I found it to be kind of...meh. Which...saddens me.~

**Randall:** Enjoy what's left of your miserable lives.

**Sora:** What a pleasant way to start a new chapter!

**Sulley:** It'll be okay, Boo.

**Donald:** Get a move on!

**Sora:** Calm down, Donald, we're fine.

**Goofy:** Randall sure does have us trapped.

**Sora:** Not helping, Goofy!

**Donald:** We've got to get out of the factory.

**Sora:** I'm _aware,_ Donald!

**Mike:** One of these days, I'm gonna make that slimy creep sorry.

**Sora:** Probably by the end of the level, honestly.

**Mike:** Randall's gonna wish he stayed gone!

**Sora:** Mm-hmm.

**Sulley:** What could Randall be up to this time?

**Sora:** ...Sounds like he wants to kill the two of you, take over the factory for himself, and switch back to screams instead of laughs.

**Sulley:** For now, we need to get outta here.

**Sora:** All of this nagging makes me want to do the opposite of that. *stars moving forward*

**Randall:** *over the intercom* Look who's starting to sweat.

**Sora:** Does whatever type of skin any of us have even sweat?

**Randall:** *over the intercom* Look who's starting to sweat.

**Sora:** Ah, NPC repeating dialogue, gotta love it.

**Everyone:** *walks into a factory room where the machines make doors or canisters or something*

**One of the machines:** *shoots a laser at Sora*

**Mike:** Heck's going on here? I'm like, ninety-three percent sure that that's not supposed to do that. How're we gonna get a toddler through all this?

**Boo:** *grabs Sulley's leg*

**Sulley:** I'm thinking these are the death traps Randall mentioned.

**Donald:** Ya think!?

**Sora:** How 'bout you, Donald, and Goofy stay here with Boo, while me and Sulley go on ahead; Sulley can smash everything with the literal monstrous strength we all know he has, and I can take out any enemies that might attack him while he works.

**Goofy:** Now now, you know that'll affect their bottom line. I say we three go on ahead and work out a way to safely shut off the system altogether, and then these three can catch up after.

**Sora:** But we don't know how anything works, though.

**Goofy:** I implore you to reconsider.

**Sora:** Hmm. Okay!

**Sulley:** Yeah if you break anything I break you. OKAY BYEEE~!

**Mike:** Ignore him and just destroy the control panel, that'll be easy to fix if it's just the one thing.

**Sora:** Hey where'd they go? Oh, there they are.

**Mike and Sulley:** *are hiding behind a shipping container, keeping Boo amused by pulling funny faces*

**Mike:** Ooh! Those parts on the belt look pretty sturdy.

**Sora:** I figured I'd have to use the environment.

**Mike:** Try using the parts to get around the lasers.

**Sora:** Got it.

**Sulley:** Where'd those machines come from?

**Sora:** Are they not part of the factory itself? Like, to create laugh canisters or something, I know they have to be bigger than scream ones.

**Sulley:** We never ordered any equipment like that.

**Sora:** Well Randall can turn invisible at will so he probably got away with a lot. Or perhaps had someone else from the factory helping him in addition to this mysterious benefactor of his but we're never gonna get into that so never mind. *gets on the conveyor belt and starts ducking under the parts to avoid the lasers*

**Goofy:** Maybe we can use the parts here to avoid the lasers.

**Sora:** ...Very astute, Goofy.

**Goofy:** I see a machine up there in the cage past the stairs.

**Donald:** Yeah! Let's smash it!

**Sora:** M'kay. *gets up there and destroys machine*

**Lasers:** *stop firing*

**Mike, Sulley, and Boo:** *notice this*

**Sulley:** Okay let's go I guess.

**Mike:** *leads the way to Sora, Donald, and Goofy*

**Randall:** Yeah, well, that was just a warm-up. The real fun's just starting!

**Sora:** Does the monster world not have guns? Could he not just, like, shoot us?

**Randall:** *laughs creepily*

**Sora:** Lovely. The unreal horror is real.

**Randall:** I gotta say, revenge is sweet.

**Sora:** I hear it's pretty unfulfilling, but on the other hand whoever your target is will finally have stopped doing what they were doing so I personally think there is some comfort to be had in that.

**Randall:** It's only a matter of time...

**Sora:** *starts singing the end of “Who Lives Who Dies Who Tells Your Story”

**Randall:** Stop that!

**Sora:** Never. *enters another large room*

**Unversed:** *appear*

**Randall:** Surprise, losers!

**Everyone:** *killing the Unversed*

**Randall:** Why won't you just fail already!?

**Sora:** Can we still not say “die” in this game or something, I know I will later...

**Everyone:** *continues to make their way through the factory and runs toward a save point*

**Cutscene:** *starts*

**Sora:** *runs up to a chain gate that I guess leads to an elevator* Sh...oot, the power's out again. Thanks, Randall.

**Randall:** You're welcome!

**Sora:** Ack!

**Mike:** Don't worry, I got this. *looks around* ...I don't exactly know _why_ we have a paintbrush booth aside from it being necessary for just this one scene but let's go!

**Sora:** Go where, I'm confused.

**Mike:** You usually are. Now shut up and get over here. *motions him down and whispers in his ear*

**Sulley:** ...And that's _just_ for this scene? And a few after?

**Mike:** Exactly!

**Sulley:** Shame, I think I would've preferred the option to change back whenever.

**Mike:** Or customize it, yeah. Anyway, have fun!

**Sulley:** Uh-uh, if I'm doing this, so are you. *picks him up by the top of his head*

**Mike:** WHY IS EVERYONE GRABBING ME TODAY—HEY! I DO _NOT_ CONSENT TO THIS! *gets pulled through the double doors with Sulley*

**Room:** *activates, 'cause Randall didn't cut the power to _that_ I guess—HE COULD HAVE LOCKED THEM IN AND DROWNED THEM WITH PAINT WHAT A WASTED OPPORTUNITY*

**Sora:** *waiting with the others* ...Since Monsters University confirmed that adults' screams can work just as much if not more so than children's screams, that must mean that adult laughs can work, too.. Which might mean that teenager laughs could work. What I'm saying is that we should've just come here looking like we do normally – you two would still probably fit in – and _I_ could've powered everything for everyone.

**Goofy:** I don't think Stepford Smiling works in Monstropolis like it does on the Gummi Ship.

**Sora:** I can laugh genuinely! All Donald would have to do is recap something his uncle and nephews did. Or I could just look at Donald's face, that would also be enough.

**Donald:** BOY do I miss swearing right now. Also if the magic hadn't turned us into monsters, we would've murdered Mike and Sulley on sight, been confused as to why Boo would have been crying, and would've had no idea what to do with her after.

**Sora:** I guess...Wait, why has no one thought of just _tickling_ this kid!?

**Goofy:** Both of you shut up, I think they're done.

**Doors:** *open*

**Pink and blue Mike and Sulley:** *amble out, Sulley considerably more cheerful than Mike*

**Boo:** *laughs at them as do Donald and Goofy*

**Sora:** Any way we could throw in a splash of white – oh, the elevator's working again, maybe next time.

**Sulley:** Boo's laughs make for some pretty powerful energy.

**Sora:** No kidding.

**Sulley:** So whaddaya think? Is this my color?

**Sora:** *is too busy taking pictures to answer*

**Sulley:** You wanna take my picture? Sure. I guess that's all right.

**Sora:** Good. *takes more shots*

**Sulley:** Scream!

**Mike:** Just leave it to me. I can always make Boo laugh.

**Sora:** Except for those times you can't.

**Mike:** I don't know why _I_ had to get a paint job too.

**Sora:** So I could take pictures.

**Mike:** Hey, nice camera. Take one of me!

**Sora:** I've already taken several.

**Mike:** Say “scream”!

**Sora:** No. *heads into the elevator*

**Boo:** *starts running off the instant the elevator doors open again*

**Sulley:** Huh boy.

**Mike:** Every time with this kid. *runs after her with Sulley*

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *follow a bit more slowly*

**Sora:** ...So at what point should I point out that I don't really like kids?

**Goofy:** Never!?

**Donald:** Not with these two, anyway, even though I totally get what you mean.

**Goofy:** How could you say that, Donald? What about your nephews?

**Donald:** Well, exactly, I like those three and Webby, I don't really care about anyone else's kids. I barely like _this_ kid.

**Sora:** Me or Boo?

**Donald:** Yes.

**Sora:** Understandable.

**Boo:** *peeking out from behind a giant yellow pipe* Kitty!

**Sulley:** Oh, there you are!

**Mike:** Let's walk toward her, I'm sure nothing bad'll happen.

**Pipe:** *breaks above them, spewing water down below*

**Mike and Sulley:** Oh no, not an impromptu shower! *are clean now, the paint having been washed off*

**Sora:** Uh-uh, I refuse to believe that all of the paint got washed out of Sulley's fur in only a few seconds when it can take several minutes just to get all the paint off one's f...reaking hands.

**Sulley:** No shut up it's fine. Anyway, we could only have that dye-job for so long; we do have images to maintain, after all..

**Mike:** Also paint that's not specifically meant to go on one's body just feels gross so I'm honestly glad to be rid of it—ACK!

**Sulley:** *shakes himself dry like a dog*

**Mike:** This is why I want to move out.

**Boo:** Kitty! *runs up to them*

**Water Core Heartless:** *appear*

**Sulley:** Boo, c'mere.

**Mike:** Sulley, let's get her out of here.

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *step forward, weapons drawn, while Mike, Sulley, and Boo run away apart from the fact that Sulley and Mike are still party members once the fighting starts so they probably just hid Boo and came back*

**Sora:** Great, Heartless _and_ Unversed. Add Nobodies and Nightmares why don't you.

**Donald:** ...We've been seeing Heartless around this whole time.

**Sora:** Yeah I really don't know why I said that. *kills everything*

**Randall:** Face it, you're doomed!

**Sora:** Is he still watching us? Then why doesn't he immediately cut power to whatever Boo starts up again?

**Mike:** I think she causes an overload that's impossible to shut down.

**Sora:** I'll take your word for it.

**Everyone:** *walks into a room*

**Gold Beat Heartless:** *appear and electrify everything*

**Garage door thing:** *slams shut behind them*

**Sora:** Curses, if Randall can summon electric freaking Heartless to power crap then why does he even need human screams!? *jumps down to start killing things*

**Randall:** Start sizzling, boys! This one's got some spark!

**Sora:** It's just plain sadism at this point, isn't it.

**Sulley:** Careful. The fence is electrified. Don't get zapped!

**Randall:** I gotta say, revenge is sweet.

**Doors:** *open again once the place is no longer electrified – I don't think that's how that works – why didn't Randall just keep the door shut and he and Vanitas continue spawning Heartless and Unversed endlessly until everyone died/Boo laughed them out again*

**The next room:** *has more assembly line lasers*

**Mike:** I think he's running out of ideas.

**Sora:** Which means it'll be easier this time since we already got the hang of it.

**Mike:** Okay, the control panel's upstairs somewhere again.

**Sora:** Noted. *checks back to see Mike and Sulley entertaining Boo again*

**Mike:** What does Randall think he'll do if he takes over? No decent monster's gonna listen to _him._

**Sora:** Yeah, that's always the thought, isn't it. Then you realize that way less people were decent than you'd thought...

**Mike:** I don't get it. What does Randall want with the factory?

**Sora:** ...I mean, he's laid it all out for us already...

**Sulley:** Sora, Donald, Goofy, this one's all you.

**Sora:** No pressure, got it.

**Sulley:** Good luck.

**Sora:** M'kay. *heads into the next room and starts dodging lasers again*

**Randall:** You chumps ever wonder what microwaved popcorn feels like?

**Sora:** Oooh, you should watch the first season of Syfy's _Happy!_ , you'd _love_ a particular episode.

**Randall:** Guess what, losers? I decided to ramp things up a little.

**Sora:** Heh, I get it, 'cause we're on a ramp—

**Randall:** This next one's a real whopper. You're gonna dead. You're gonna dead.

**Sora:** No I'm fine.

**Randall:** You're gonna dead.

**Sora:** Okay please stop now. *destroys the control panel*

**Mike and Sulley:** *are suddenly there with Boo*

**Next area:** *opens for them*

**Randall:** ...All right, I'll give you that one. But no more freebies.

**Sora:** It was the exact same scenario as last time, what'd you expect.

**Sulley:** *is suddenly leading the group, running up to a closed garage-type door* Once we get through here, we're clear.

**Mike:** *runs up to a much larger control panel* This thing right here is the central control unit for the whole factory, and frankly I was really expecting Randall to be here unless we only just missed him. Ah well, let's use it to open the door and bounce.

**Sora:** I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT COMPUTERS OR TECHNOLOGY I JUST WANNA HIT BUTTONS.

**Donald:** I FEEL COMPELLED TO JOIN YOU. *runs up to the control panel with Sora and they start poking things*

**Mike:** WOULD YOU PLEASE LET THE PEOPLE WHO WORK HERE DO THE JOBS THEY'VE BEEN TRAINED TO DO. *shoves Sora and Donald out of the way and takes over* ...Not that it would've made any difference considering I think we _did_ just miss Randall who decided to make this not work anymore...

**Donald:** So the door's locked, basically?

**Goofy:** If only we had some kind of item with us that could unlock any lock. Is what I should be suggesting but instead I wanna break stuff.

**Sora:** Okay. *summons Oblivion and raises it eagerly*

**Sulley:** STOP THAT. *rushes over, holding Boo* I think you're all forgetting something.

**Goofy:** That the Keyblade unlocks things?

**Sulley:** I never knew that so how could I forget it. No, I was talking about technobabble that basically states that if we can get Boo to laugh hard enough, her laughter'll work on the machine like Thor's lightning on Tony Stark's suit.

**Mike:** Still can't believe that specific power-up, established back in Avengers I, didn't come back to actually have any affect until Avengers _IV._ Also yeah sure let's go with that.

**Sora:** You're our MVP, Boo!

**Boo:** *cocks head to the side*

**Sora:** Most Valuable/Valued Player.

**Boo:** Ah.

**Sulley:** *lifts Boo up onto his shoulders and starts running around with her, which judging by the laughter honestly sounds like it should be loud enough*

**Mike and Sora:** *start running as well, Mike running a bit slower and ending up getting crashed into by Sora, which sends him flying and rolling, miraculously landing on his knees perfectly fine until Sora's dropped Oblivion lands on his head, vanishing as it hits the ground*

**Boo:** *is incredibly amused by violence affecting others and laughs so hard the machine _starts_ to power up again until pools of darkness appear on the floor and scare her into silence*

**Sulley:** *turns around to see a bunch more Unversed appear*

**Mike:** Hide her somewhere and then leave her there to join in the fight again!

**Sulley:** Already done!

**Sora:** *kills a whole bunch of Unversed and slowly fills up the bar signifying the amusement of a future ax murderer*

**Sulley:** Okay, we're good—nope, we're not. Think we need to thin out their ranks a bit more.

**Sora:** So our Scream Strike team attack normally has us making scary faces at our enemies, which forces them to back away so Mike can hit them all better, yet when we have to make Boo laugh we're making a bunch of silly faces which somehow has the exact same effect...?

**Sulley:** I've learned not to question anything anymore.

**Mike:** _Man_ am I dizzy...

**Machine:** *appears to be overloading but not quite enough*

**Mike:** Yeah we still need her to laugh harder.

**Sora:** TICKLE HER.

**Sulley:** Nah, just let Mike literally do the job for which he is being paid.

**Boo:** *stares expectantly*

**Mike:** Okay, here we go. Always good to have a test audience. *starts hitting himself, making his pupil go the opposite way of his hands so it's like he's hitting his own eye back and forth* Forty-love. Game and set! I'm not cut out for this racket!

**Everyone:** *stares blankly at him*

**Mike:** Does no one here follow tennis?

**Everyone:** Nope.

**Mike:** Right, younger crowd...Ping pong? Badminton?

**Sora:** *to Donald and Goofy* Is he seriously trying _stand-up_ on a toddler?

**Mike:** DROPPED CONTACT JOKE!

**Sulley:** Yeah she's not gonna get that one either.

**Sora:** _I_ don't get it either.

**Sulley:** It's impossible to lose a contact lens that big. That's the joke.

**Mike:** Don't explain it, that ruins it!

**Donald:** Yeah but if you _have_ to explain the joke it's not funny.

**Goofy:** Unless a joke's extremely obvious and then you explain it anyway, that can sometimes be funny. This was not one of those times.

**Mike:** Everybody's a critic.

**Goofy:** Sora, do that face you did when we first met! You know the one!

**Sora:** I don't know if that one's funny enough.

**Goofy:** I disagree.

**Sora:** Okay, I'll try... *crouches down in front of Boo and does the face*

**Boo:** *starts laughing, probably more at the noise Sora's making 'cause the face just looks like he's smiling in this form*

**Sora:** Everyone please help.

**Everyone:** *does their funniest faces in Boo's general direction*

**Boo:** *jumps up and down with joy, laughing so hard that the machine overloads and the door automatically unlocks*

**Sulley:** Hey Sora, want a job?

**Mike:** Don't you dare!

**Everyone:** *starts to walk toward the door*

**Randall:** *appears behind them* You boys aren't gonna leave without saying good-bye?

**Mike:** Give it a rest, Randall. You're not gonna get away with this.

**Sulley:** We'll stop anything you throw at us.

**Sora:** Oh, are we fighting this guy now? That's neat. *summons Oblivion*

**Randall:** Maybe you will. Or then again, maybe you won't.

**Mike:** Yeah that's how _life_ works, you moron.

**Randall:** I've still got an ace up my sleeve.

**Mike:** You don't even wear sleeves!

**Randall:** I was talking about the machinery behind me.

**Mike:** Huh. I did not notice that.

**Randall:** Yep, I built a murder bot when no one was looking apparently. KILL!

**Machine:** *does nothing*

**Randall:** *turns to it, snapping at it to try and get it to work* Oh come the fuck on, is the app updating itself again, I thought I set it up to not do that.

**Sulley:** Can you watch it with the language, we have a toddler back here.

**Randall:** *ignores him and goes up to the machine, hitting it repeatedly* Fucking Windows 10, no I _don't_ want the mandatory update, I don't have eight gigs to spare!

**Mike:** *smirks* Looks like your ace is a joker!

**Sora:** Honestly, even before Sephiroth, I really only wanted to play _Smash Ultimate_ once Joker was added.

**Donald:** Have you even played P5 or P5R yet?

**Sora:** Don't gatekeep me, you can enjoy the aesthetic of things you don't immerse yourself in.

**Randall:** Grr. Arg. *kicks the machine and leaves*

**Sora:** Stop, don't, come back. *goes to pursue*

**Sulley:** *stops him* Don't. He'll kill you like a small dog. Let your anger be like a monkey in a piñata, hiding with the candy, hoping the children don't break through with the sticks.

**Boo:** Kitty! *behind Sulley's legs*

**Sulley:** Also our primary objective is over here. *pats Boo's head*

**Sora:** But if we stop Randall _now,_ we won't have to worry about him in the future.

**Sulley:** I implore you to reconsider.

**Sora:** Hmm. Okay!

**Sulley:** Excellent. Now, instead of keeping the door we definitely shouldn't have anymore, we just let it get stored amongst all the rest of the doors here and just hope no one'll notice. *leads the way forward as the garage door opens* If we head outside and go through the power station, we can get to the door vault that way. I'll head the way to the next area and have the door close itself behind us, totally obscuring any other bad news we're probably not ready for.

**Door:** *closes behind them*

**Vanitas:** *teleports in and motions to the machine Randall was fiddling with, causing black goo to rise out of it and encase it*

**Randall:** *returns to see even more black goo surround the machine to the point where part of it forms the Unversed insignia*

**Lump of Horror:** *coats the entire floor in black goo as it slimes up to Vanitas and both of them posture dramatically at each other*

**Randall:** Well that's disgusting and therefore awesome.

**Sora:** Hey I got a weird accessory I'll probably never use since I keep synthesizing better stuff.

**Donald:** Let's go to the door vault.

**Sora:** In a minute.

**Sulley:** We have to keep Boo safe.

**Sora:** Thankfully it's way less of an escort mission than I was expecting it to be.

**Sulley:** C'mon. We gotta get to the exit!

**Sora:** You being impatient for us to leave is causing _me_ to be impatient for us to be done with this planet.

**Mike:** No matter what, we can't let Randall win.

**Sora:** Maybe if all of you collectively stopped seeing things as a massive competition—

**Mike:** That creep! He won't keep us in here for long!

**Sora:** I'll take that as a no.

~I always feel the most rushed to get this section over with as quickly as possible and I don't think that's what they were going for.~


	19. This Bitch Empty! YEET!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Hey sorry for posting a day late, yesterday was REALLY fucking stressful for me. Anyway, Happy Holidays if you're into that sort of thing!:** That one vine (you know the one), the former Super Best Friends Play channel, Dragon Ball Z Abridged, _Avatar: The Legend of Korra, Eternal Darkness, Harry Potter,_ George Carlin, Patton Oswalt, and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Square Enix.

~Found it a bit weird that in all of the Forky Asks A Question shorts on Disney+ they always used the music from where Sulley has to say good-bye to Boo; it just seems so out of place and kind of cheapens the moment.~

**Everyone:** *runs down a brick hallway leading outside to discover everything's on fire*

**Spiked Turtletoad:** *is yuckin' it up in the flames*

**Mike:** Well this is no better!

**Helicopter:** *swoops by, blinding the group with a searchlight as it passes*

**Goofy:** Oh, I feel like I should say something here.

**Sora:** I think you're going to have to go to that helicopter with urgency.

**Voice:** Disregard code 835. 72-16 in progress. We have visual on unidentified lifeforms. Suspected cause of the conflagration. Code 72-16, over.

**Spiked Turtletoad:** *seems to like the flames*

**Sulley:** Okay so my place of work is quite literally on fire but the child I kidnapped for a play date, though.

**Sora:** Sure, fine, whatever.

**Mike:** The whole factory – it's a total mess!

**Sulley:** I know, Mikey. But right now, we just have to keep moving.

**Everyone:** *starts to run through the area but then kind of just stops in a more wide open area for some reason*

**Helicopter:** *shines a light directly on the group before throwing down a rope*

**Random CDA member:** Ready to descend. Also I'm pretty sure that's a human child down there but one emergency at a time I guess. *descends down the rope and runs up to the group as another guy descends behind him* We're firefighters as well as government operatives, apparently. Also how you'll be able to keep your jobs when I can see a human child right there is beyond me— _that_ was an explosion.

**Explosion:** *was caused by a Spiked Turtletoad*

**Random CDA member:** *pulls out radio* Code 72-16. Unidentified lifeform sighted.

**Sora:** *runs forward and summons Oblivion* We got this.

**Random CDA member:** I will not object for some reason. *runs the fuck away as soon as gameplay resumes*

**Sora:** *has the option of whether or not to use Water magic on the flames; all of these Fire Core Heartless at least do a better job of explaining why everything's on fire than the Unversed just existing*

**Random CDA member:** Start putting that fire out!

**Sora:** I'm working on it! *also has to fight Heartless at the same time*

**Goofy:** Sora! We're gonna need water to put the fire out!

**Sora:** I'm not the only one in this group who knows water magic!

**Random CDA member:** We have spotted additional unidentified lifeforms.

**Donald:** How are we gonna contain it?

**Sora:** I don't know but I just learned Watera so I've probably fulfilled my role for now.

**Random CDA member:** *dousing flames with fire hoses*

**Sora, Donald, Goofy, Mike, Sulley, and Boo:** *somehow got their own hose; aww, look at Boo, pretending to be useful as anything other than a generator*

**Sulley:** *looking up at a CDA member* Hey, if I flatter you enough, will you forget about the part where I am visibly spending time with the human child that I was forbidden from seeing ever again?

**Random CDA member:** Boy are you lucky my shift just ended. *leaves*

**Sora:** I love it when we never have to suffer consequences! *leads the way through another series of hallways, killing all of the enemies in their path, until they're outside again*

**Random CDA member:** *flying overhead in a helicopter* Requesting back-up. We need help containing the fire!

**Sora and the others:** *run into a wide area where lots of Heartless and Unversed show up*

**Random CDA member:** Unidentified lifeforms spotted.

**Sora and the others:** *kill everything in sight*

**Sora:** *continues to move forward, running up a wall and sliding along a pipe*

**Everyone else:** *somehow managed to follow him*

**Sora:** *keeps climbing until he's pretty much at the top of the factory*

**Random CDA member:** *still passing by in the helicopter* The door vault is this way.

**Sora:** Helpful! Oh good, we can drop down from here.

**Mike and Sulley:** Uh, can we, though?

**Sora:** Don't worry, there's no fall damage anymore, at least while we're here. *falls all the way down and smashes a shipping container open*

**Sulley:** ...That was company property but okay...

**Goofy:** The crane might come in handy if we need to get back up.

**Sora:** *leads the way outside again where everything is once more on fire and surrounded by enemies* Well this isn't getting tiresome at all.

**Helicopter:** *exists*

**Random CDA member:** Deal with those life-forms!

**Sora:** What do they think we've _been_ doing this whole time!?

**Sulley:** We're almost to the door vault, guys. We can win! We feel great! We! Can! Do! This!

**Mike:** Sora, do something! Put the fire out!

**Sora:** I _am!_ *douses everything with Watera and kills everything in his path* Wonder why Boo only finds amusement in the slaughter of _certain_ enemies. Yo, Pride Heartbinder! I'm never gonna use Simba but it's nice to know he's still in this game in some fashion!

**Mike:** *is leading everyone over the sodden floor* This way.

**Something:** *starts threatening to explode*

**Everyone:** *runs away before it can explode*

**It:** *explodes*

**Everyone:** *is sent flying, Sulley protecting Boo*

**A couple of pipes:** *spew flames before they explode*

**Another thing:** *also explodes*

**Yet another thing:** *also also explodes*

**Giant pipe:** *breaks and falls down as everyone gets up and runs away*

**Mike:** *looking at the wreckage surrounding them* Welp, I'm out of ideas.

**Sora:** Sulley? Anything come to mind?

**Sulley:** Not really...

**Boo:** *jumps down from Sulley's hand, runs to the pipe that just fell, and runs back* Kitty! *points and giggles*

**Sulley:** *looks at the smaller pipe connected to the back of the bigger pipe* ...I mean that totally leads to where we want to go but I'm not sure how it's supposed to help.

**Sora:** I can Flowmotion through there and you'll automatically be teleported to my location because video games?

**Sulley:** Well then it's perfect! Good job, Boo, for somehow knowing that! *pats Boo's head again to her delight* Sora, do the thing!

**Mike:** Hold up, hold up, I'm greatly established as being smarter than you and I know the layout of this place way better. That pipe does _not_ lead to the door vault, it leads to the cooling tank!

**Sulley:** It sure does!

**Mike:** Sulley, just what're you trying to do here?

**Sulley:** Do you trust me?

**Mike:** What?

**Sulley:** Do you trust me? *holds out hand*

**Mike:** ...No!?

**Sulley:** Eh, just roll with it. *bodily picks him up and moves him out of his way*

**Sora:** Yeah no I'm gonna backtrack a bit and save first. *backtracks a bit and saves first* Okay, good to go. *Flowmotions up a pipe and lands in some kind of giant silo or something*

**A bunch of Unversed:** *appear before them*

**Sora:** Really starting to get sick of this. *kills everything*

**Sulley:** *runs forward*

**Boo:** Kitty!

**Sulley:** *goes over to a door* I'm pretty sure maintenance has finished patching it up. *moves a panel revealing a hallway* Yep. This way.

**Sora, Donald, Goofy, and Boo:** *run after him*

**Mike:** *starts to bot stops, looking around* Hold up...this _is_ the door vault!

**Sulley:** And you doubted me.

**Mike:** Sulley, we've known each other since college. Of _course_ I doubted you.

**Sulley:** ...You know what, fair.

**Sora:** I'm confused, you guys met in college, but there was that one throwaway line about you two knowing each other since the fourth grade—

**Mike:** Yeah it's called hyperbole, I'm a comedian, get with the program.

**Sora:** Okay but wasn't there something in the original teaser about fifth grade geometry—

**Mike:** Okay, it was a retcon, just leave it already!

**Sora:** See, as long as you admit it, I don't mind as much.

**Sulley:** Anyway, we're pretty close now, so let's keep going.

**Mike:** I am now grumpy for some reason.

**Sora:** And of course things are still on fire, why wouldn't they be.

**Sulley:** The door vault's right through here.

**Sora:** Gimme a sec to kill these things, will you? *kills some more Unversed and goes down yet another hallway with a trail of black slime in the center of it*

**Donald:** Hey! What's this black goop?

**Goofy:** Gawrsh, it looks like some kinda trail.

**Sora:** Let's follow it. I'm sure nothing bad will happen. YAY SAVE POINT.

**Goofy:** We should work together and find Boo's door.

**Sora:** Working on it!

**Sulley:** Hurry! The door vault is just past the power station.

**Sora:** Good, I'm about as ready to be done with this as you are.

**Sulley:** We're almost to the vault. Then we can look for Boo's door.

**Mike:** Oh great, a fire. Just what we needed!

**Sora:** ...I mean, we just finished putting it out—

**Mike:** I take a lot of heat at work, but _that_ was a whole new level.

**Sora:** ...May the rats eat your eye. *runs into the next area*

**Everyone:** *is suddenly _walking_ into a wide open area with Randall's machine from earlier in plain view*

**Donald:** *is looking around* Oh it's the Giant-Ass Room.

**Goofy:** No giant asses in here.

**Sora:** I'm disappointed. I'll be real.

**Sulley:** *makes sure everyone's still with him* Everybody look for Boo's door.

**Randall:** *just casually walks into frame*

**Sulley:** Oh hey.

**Mike:** I see you have another/possibly the same machine type thing behind you. Here's hoping you're not looking super smug right now because you managed to fix it, because that would not be a good thing for us!

**Randall:** *smirks* Oh I imagine so. *moves aside and shows that the black gunk evidently gave it a blue and silver paint job*

**Mike:** *looks worried but brushes it off* I doubt it's anything to worry about; man are you borderline useless without Fungus. *starts walking up to it* Guess it's an okay piece of machinery. Not invincible, not very useful, but it _is_ dumb-looking.

**Unversed insignia:** *appears on machine*

**Boo:** *gets scurred and hides behind Sulley*

**Sulley:** Mike, hold up, our enemy-detector appears to have detected an enemy.

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *run up to join Mike while Sulley goes to hide Boo*

**Mike:** Pfft, it's _fine._ What, you think the mysterious unnamed person that got Randall to come back to this dimension did more to help him out or something?

**Randall:** I've climbed up to a safe height so I can watch you from a distance!

**Mike:** I am getting _really_ sick of that creepy evil laugh why do I hear oozing.

**Lump of Horror:** *rises up*

**Mike:** ...Ew. *backs away*

**Sora:** Why am I just shouting that it's an Unversed, I sound like Terra... *summons Oblivion and rushes forward with Donald and Goofy*

**Mike:** *falls back on his butt* Help, I've fallen and I can't get up.

**Sulley:** Yes you can. *picks him up* Now you've been doing great with the stand-up stuff but it's time to go back to all that research you did during your college days.

**Mike:** ...The heck is that supposed to help, all that training was to freak children out from a relatively safe distance, not attack them!

**Sulley:** Yeah but you could still probably find a weakness or something.

**Mike:** ...The goo and the machinery seems to be serving as a protective shell; if we can get to the core within and attack that directly, we should be able to do way more damage.

**Sulley:** Now that's what I'm talking about! *drops him*

**Mike:** Aw yeah, let's do this thing!

**Randall:** *from above* Excellent. Everything is going according to keikaku. All I need is for them to die horribly, and then _I_ will be CEO of the company! And somehow convince the shareholders to go back to accepting a much weaker power source and also get law enforcement to overlook that I let hundreds if not thousands of unidentifiable creatures to overtake the very place of business I always so ambitiously wanted to take over wow I did not think this through at all did I. Welp, time to distract myself. KILL!

**Sora:** Huh boy. *fights it normally for a while, causing minimal damage, before it slimes up the whole room to create slime hands that grab at you but also exposing its core so you can do more damage to it* Well fighting a giant slime monster in the middle of a monster factory is cool I guess. *manages to defeat it* Oh sure _now_ we get Cura.

**Lump of Horror:** *melts until only machinery and canisters remain*

**Randall:** *slithers up to the remaining pile of garbage* I am most perturbed by this turn of events.

**Mike:** *notices the repaired door they'd forced Randall through last time* ...I just got a cunning plan. *motions for Sulley's attention and attempts to mime his cunning plan*

**Sulley:** ...I didn't get _any_ of that.

**Mike:** What if I growled at you?

**Sulley:** I now understand everything perfectly.

**Mike:** *rolls his eye and goes to get set up*

**Sulley:** *runs by Donald and Goofy*

**Donald:** Dafu—

**Goofy:** *grabs him* Language! A-hyuck!

**Sulley:** *runs up to Randall and roars at him*

**Screen:** *fades to black and fades back in showing everyone surrounding Randall in front of a door*

**Mike:** *opens door* You're in my life. Please leave.

**Randall:** Grr. Arg.

**Sulley:** There's no place for you here anymore, Randall, since we have no prisons or different job training apparently. I explained to you a better, more cost-effective way of doing things and you refused to listen. And also destroyed half the factory in response because you just hate change that much. The Abominable Snowman was exiled for less we think maybe it's implied.

**Randall:** Where the hell is my lawyer!

**Mike:** Ha! He thinks this dimension has due process! Maybe he _should_ continue to work here after all, that was pretty funny!

**Randall:** I _could_ attempt to turn invisible and escape that way, but considering I could probably just find another door once I'm through anyway I guess I'll just pretend to go quietly for now.

**Sulley:** Enjoy people attempting to murder you and skin you again!

**Randall:** For some reason I _still_ think I have a chance of taking this place over when I really should just focus on killing you two and maybe just blowing the place up for the “if I can't have it no one can” excuse. *goes through the door*

**Mike:** *is about to close it but eavesdrops for a bit*

**Son:** Mama, the gator's in the house again!

**Mama:** Are you kidding!? Oh, this time, he's in for it. *sounds of violence and beating*

**Mike:** HA! He's getting murdered. Heh, this shouldn't be as enjoyable as it is. *closes the door* Take that, humanity!

**Sulley:** *walks up to it, holding Boo* Now to smash it again.

**Sora:** Or we could use this key that unlocks everything to lock something for once. Also we probably could've used it to open doors this whole time instead of forcing this girl to smile more. *walks up the door, summons the Keyblade, and locks the magic keyhole that suddenly appeared in the center of the door by painting said Keyblade at it and shooting a beam of light into it*

**Sulley:** *staring as this happens* ...OKAY THEN.

**Door:** *rises up, becomes engulfed in light, and dissolves*

**Goofy:** Seriously, if anything was gonna make anyone question anything as not being of their worlds, it's stuff like that.

**Sora:** *scratches nose*

**Player:** Don't touch your face.

**Boo's door:** *looks way better than a door that's been put through a wood chipper and pieced back together has any right to look*

**Everyone:** *climbs up and around it*

**Sulley:** Okay, Boo. Time to go home. You must be tuckered out, but we'll play together real soon.

**Door:** *suddenly starts moving forward with Sulley, Mike and Boo clinging to it, as does the door behind it with Sora, Donald, and Goofy hanging onto that one*

**Mike:** The door doesn't have a card key attached to it anymore, that was the whole point of us manually going to find it, how is someone calling to us now!?

**Doors:** *eventually make their way back to the Laugh Floor*

**Everyone:** *gets off of the doors and sees a person in an Organization cloak*

**Sora:** ...Unless you're Roxas, which I don't think is likely, I don't recognize your build. Did we meet in Castle Oblivion and I forgot, or are you someone new?

**Vanitas:** *is lowering his hood* Interesting new look, brother. Almost didn't recognize you. *finishes lowering his hood and reveals his helmet* Whether I mean the monster design or Sora in general could be up for debate.

**Sora:** I am fairly positive that I'm an only child – hold up. Did you cameo in 3D for a split second and confused everyone because they didn't know what you were doing there? And why're you still wearing the mask, do you even need it anymore considering its sole purpose was to be a shocking twist at the end of BBS?

**Goofy:** *to Donald* Okay I know – think – that we've _heard_ of Vanitas, but we never actually met him, right?

**Donald:** Not that I recall. Maybe he just reminds us of Ven?

**Vanitas:** We haven't ever met in the flesh. My name is Vanitas.

**Donald and Goofy:** Called it!

**Sora:** This is the part of the game where you spew confusing plot foreshadowing and then I don't see you again until the final battle, right?

**Vanitas:** Oh dear, have we become predictable? *walks over to a laugh canister* I was most intrigued by this planet – an entire dimension powered by fear. I still don't get how the screams of human children could be converted into electricity in this world and honestly wished _Monsters University_ had focused on that instead. Yes I know “no meaning only lore” can get annoying but considering I didn't give a shit about the rest of the movie it would've been nice to have something to focus on.

**Sulley:** Hey watch the language, we have a toddler here.

**Vanitas:** *picks up a laugh canister* Hey look, this thing is filled to the brim with all the fucks I don't give.

**Sulley:** Cut it out! *is covering Boo's ears with his...hands? Paws?*

**Sora:** I'll be real, I'm kinda with him on not really liking the prequel much. Why would I like something about a person of smaller or shorter stature wishing to become good at a skill that normally requires someone of larger or taller stature to be proficient at?

**Donald:** Sora you've been binge watching _Haikyuu!_ on your phone whenever we have downtime.

**Sora:** Well yeah, that show's _good._

**Vanitas:** *is still talking* My Unversed are powered by all of my negative emotions. It's always good to have one chamber of your heart dedicated to hatred for when you need it. And a whole planet powered by those same emotions...well, we'd barely have any need for Heartless or Nobodies with the army _I_ could summon up, now would we?

**Mike:** You should've come here while we were still doing the movie, pal. Or before it, I know Pixar's picky about its canon. Heck, that could've fed into it; we could've had that scream shortage at the beginning of the movie because _you_ had been leeching off of us!

**Vanitas:** Curious how you had a scream shortage considering I'm holding up some leftovers right here.

**Sulley:** Oh yeah, screams were completely put out of production once gigglewatts took over so we still had some scream canisters we hadn't used yet. Presumably.

**Vanitas:** Exactly. And if _I_ took over the company, I wouldn't even have to pay anyone to scare for me since the Unversed are basically my slaves anyway. Though luckily I found someone who actually knew how things work around here that didn't mind helping me out, 'cause Merlin knows I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing when it comes to technology. *flips the scream canister for funzies*

**Mike:** Funny, we never really saw you and Randall interacting.

**Sulley:** As long as you mention a thing happening offscreen, that means it's true, that's how that works. Also Randall is often invisible.

**Mike:** Good point.

**Vanitas:** My heart is made of just one thing. And the Unversed collected enough screams and sadness from those children to reconstruct it. Y'all need better security, this was presumably done during the time you were spending with that kidnapping victim over there.

**Mike:** Was destroying the place you need to keep your little project going also a part of your grand plan!? *tries to go for Vanitas but Sulley grabs him by the head and stops him*

**Vanitas:** But, even with all this negative emotion, my heart is still incomplete. I need something else. *drops canister and sends it flying into the air, zooming around until it empties out and rolls to a stop at Sora's feet*

**Sora:** ...I know it's hard to force them, but have you considered a positive emotion or two?

**Vanitas:** I have, actually, and it's not what I need. What I need is the half of me that sleeps...inside of your heart. *is now within striking distance of Sora, pointing Void Gear at him*

**Ventus's voice:** *comes out of Sora's mouth* Vanitas!

**Sora:** ...Well that hasn't happened since part of me was stuck inside Roxas.

**Vanitas:** Ven! Thought you were in there! How'd you even get there, that was never clear to me, I always skipped that prologue. *walks up to Sora and holds his hand out* You insignificant speck.

**Sora:** *knocks his hand away* No means no. Also _what?_

**Sulley, Mike, and Boo:** *are sneaking around the work stations*

**Vanitas:** *is too focused on his brother to notice* It was something like eleven years ago, I'm not surprised you don't remember. Basically you became a Horcrux for my brother when you were four. And also possibly before that.

**Donald:** When you say brother, you're talking about Ven, right?

**Goofy:** We've been traveling with Ventus this entire time!? That's awesome!

**Sora:** Roxas _and_ Ventus? You can become a living Horcrux for _multiple_ people's souls now!? WHO ELSE HAVE I GOT IN MY CHEST CAVITY!?

**Vanitas:** Well you're about to lose one. Now gimme Ventus. *dark energy starts swirling around him*

**Sora:** I don't think I wanna — oh, that hurts. *falls to his knees, clutching his chest*

**Donald and Goofy:** *guard him*

**Sora:** ...Thanks, guys.

**Goofy:** The King, Noiti Sopxe, and Master Aqua were all talking about this at the end of BBS before Master Aqua left. Ven _technically_ beat Vanitas, but he sacrificed himself in order to do so. He ended up in a coma, and everyone said that his heart was lost. I just thought that was a euphemism for destroyed, but it looks like it really was the literal definition all along!

**Donald:** It's also probably why you can use the Keyblade, having never gained the power to wield one previously. And I don't want you to lose that because then we can't hang out anymore! *pushes back Vanitas's darkness with a soft glow of light along with Goofy*

**Vanitas:** Can you not!? *shoots a string of darkness at them and sends them flying*

**Donald and Goofy:** ...Well this sucks.

**Sora:** *summons Oblivion and shakily gets to his feet only for Vanitas to knock it out of his hands and point his Void Gear at Sora's neck* Oh no...if only I possessed the power to summon it back into my hand...

**Vanitas:** *turns his Keyblade and manages to make a form of Ven emerge from Sora* Join your heart...with mine! *summons a burst of Darkness that Sulley can then emerge from*

**Sulley:** You swore in front of Boo after I told you not to.

**Vanitas:** Wait what—

**Sulley:** *roars at him while Mike covers Boo's ears and she covers her own eyes*

**Void Gear:** *falls to the floor and vanishes*

**Sulley:** *bodily picks Vanitas up*

**Vanitas:** *struggling in vain* CAN YOU NOT!

**Mike:** *calls over four more doors* Sulley, do the thing!

**Sulley:** *runs over and yeets Vanitas through the first door* Close it! Quick!

**Mike:** *closes it and runs to the next one while Sulley wrenches the first door out of the station, opening the second door*

**Sulley:** *throws the first door through and takes out the second one*

**Mike:** *opens the third door and runs to the fourth*

**Sulley:** *throws the second door through the third and grabs the third*

**Mike:** *opens the last door that Sulley shoves the third door through before shoving it down a wood chipper*

**Mike and Sulley:** *high-five*

**Boo:** *laughs with joy*

**Mike and Sulley:** *get high-fives from Boo*

**Sora:** Ignoring the part where three very confused families will wake up to strange doors with metal casings inside their children's rooms, that was probably one of the most memorable moments in the entire game.

**Donald:** Considering Sora was busy having a heart attack and couldn't dissolve the door with his Keyblade, I'd appreciate it if you burned those fragments later or something.

**Goofy:** We'll just choose not to mention that Vanitas could probably easily escape through a Dark Corridor and that the coolest thing we've ever seen was barely more than a hindrance at best.

**Sulley:** All in a day's work! And besides, we never would've managed to get Boo this far if you hadn't come along to help.

**Mike:** And we now know that there is in fact a way to recall a door that's been decommissioned, so as soon as I figure out a way to reverse-engineer that, we'll be able to blatantly break the law way more often!

**Sora:** *walks up to the still-laughing Boo and bends down* Boo, I know how excited you are to come play with Mike and Sulley. Sorry we dragged you into this, _possible member of the new Seven Hearts._

**Donald:** I don't think this is the form to be comforting a small child with.

**Sora:** And yours is? I'm an adorable cat thing with a fish face, I have no idea what _you're_ supposed to be.

**Goofy:** Ladies, ladies, you're _both_ hideous.

**Everyone:** Awkward Laughter Ending™!

**Boo:** *laughs genuinely*

**Sulley:** *walks up to her* Okay, Boo, time to go.

**Boo:** Kitty...

**Mike:** We'll catch up soon, kid.

**Boo:** Mike Wazowski!

**Mike:** ...No, that's Donald, Boo.

**Boo:** Mike Wazowski! *runs up and hugs Mike*

**Mike:** *smiles* Better. I'll see ya, kid. *pats her head*

**Sulley:** *takes her up to the door*

**Sora:** Boo, wait!

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *make a bunch of wacky faces* So looong!

**Boo:** *laughs one last time before taking Sulley's hand and vanishing from the game until the end credits*

**Sora, Donald, Goofy, Sulley, and Mike:** *make their way back to the entrance*

**Sora:** *takes a deep breath* _**SHIT PISS FUCK CUNT COCKSUCKER MOTHERFUCKER AND TITS.**_

**Mike:** You too, huh?

**Sora:** Ugh, like you wouldn't fucking believe.

**Sulley:** I'm just cutting swearing out of my vocabulary altogether. There's more creative things to do with the language anyway.

**Sora:** *deadpan* Yeah, why _not_ change “I'm gonna shove my hard dick in your wet pussy” to “I'm gonna fill your hoo-ha with goof juice!”

**Sulley:** Now you're catching on! Anyway, that was kind of fun overall, almost having our place of business burned to the ground and having the small life we suddenly assumed responsibility for being in very real danger of death moment to moment. We should do it again sometime!

**Mike:** We are _not_ doing the paint thing again, you cannot make me, I do not consent.

**Donald:** At least the kid was cute.

**Sora:** I AM SO FUCKING RELIEVED THAT SHE'S GONE. FUCK.

**Donald:** Christ you're a pussy.

**Goofy:** Yeah we're not gonna be allowed back.

**Mike:** Of course you will, I like you guys.

**Sulley:** So do I, and so does Boo.

**Sora:** Good for her. _Never bring her again._ *shakes Sulley's hand while Donald shakes Mike's and Goofy just kind of nods at Sulley* OKAY BYEEEE~!

**Mike:** I'M STILL FUNNIER THAN ANY OF YOU, SUCK IT!

**Sulley:** Have fun doing whatever it is you normally do!

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** Whatever! *walk out of the factory*

**Monstropolis title card:** Well that was...less enjoyable than I thought it'd be what with the constant rushing to get rid of the toddler and therefore us once she was gone.

**Happy Gear:** *exists*

~ Just realized that we're basically done with Pixar aside from the cooking mini-game. WHERE'S THE FINDING NEMO PLANET.~


	20. Oh Right, The Plot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **2020 IS ALMOST FUCKING OVER CAN'T WAIT FOR EVERYTHING TO BE SOMEHOW EVEN WORSE NEXT YEAR:** _Harry Potter,_ the former Super Best Friends channel, _Airplane!, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, Firefly,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Square Enix.

~Only four planets left, that's weird to think about.~

**Gummi Ship:** *exists, and I just realized that it's always going to be the original Dickbutt I mean Highwind I mean Dickbutt in the cutscenes as opposed to whatever I'm actually driving at any given moment*

**Sora:** *taps foot and taps finger, sits in silence for a minute before standing on the chair and addressing Donald and Goofy in the back* If we're waiting for my Power of Waking™ to trigger, we really should go to the place where it's most likely to trigger.

**Donald:** We're not going to the realm of darkness, Sora.

**Goofy:** Power of Waking™ first, then fulfilling saving-people-thing. Them's the rules.

**Sora:** Entirely pointless rules that will be made irrelevant by reality. Come on, this is like the fourth time we've had this argument! If we don't do exactly what the Organization wants us to do, they're gonna destroy everything anyway!

**Donald and Goofy:** *sit in silence*

**Jiminy:** *hops up on Sora's shoulder* Sora, do you even know how to get to the realm of darkness?

**Sora:** Damn it, I was riding high and then I remembered you existed.

**Jiminy:** That's a no, isn't it. *hops down*

**Sora:** Well wouldya look at that, a device that lets me call anyone and everyone I need to for information.

**Donald:** Riku and the King agree with us.

**Goofy:** Sora, I know Master Noiti Sopxe is gonna be proven super wrong and suffer absolutely no consequence for it, again, but he's got our complete trust and confidence so we're gonna listen to him over everyone else and never question him no matter what. And you're just going to have to deal with it, all right?

**Sora:** *stares mournfully at his phone and sits back down in a huff* I FUCKING HATE ALL OF YOU.

**Jiminy:** Stop being so dramatic.

**Gummi phone:** *rings*

**Donald and Goofy:** Oh hey.

**Sora:** *answers* Riku, I could really use your support right now—

**Ienzo:** Excuse me?

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** ...Oh.

**Ienzo:** ...I have some news about Roxas?

**Sora:** I am intrigued again!

**Jiminy:** *hops up on Sora's shoulder*

**Sora:** Damn it, I was riding high and then I remembered you existed.

**Ienzo:** Okay so even though Even fucked off, he forgot to clear his search history so we've managed to accumulate some of his research. I'll see if I can manage to reverse-engineer what little I've found into something that works.

**Jiminy:** You've got our thanks. *bows*

**Ienzo:** ...Why is the bug talking to me.

**Sora:** Just ignore him, the rest of us do.

**Ienzo:** M'kay. Also we found something in Ansem the Wise's data. And I quote: “Sora is a Horcrux for three different people. Two of them are technically still him but whatever. One is Roxas, one joined with Sora about a week before Roxas did, and the last one has been with him for over eleven years by this point. How the fuck even. While each of these hearts in a way make Sora whole, they also have the potential to exist on their own. The memories have been compartmentalized – each placed in its own box, so to speak. I surmise that these hearts can be awoken, provided that each of them is returned to the box that contains the correct memories. Unite the heart with its memories, and provide it a suitable body within which it may flourish, and I believe any or all three of these people can be made real again.”

**Sora:** So Roxas, Ventus, and someone else, then.

**Jiminy:** But who?

**Sora:** No idea, but if they were put there a week before Roxas, it would've happened while I was asleep, so I wouldn't remember it anyway. Thanks for the heads up, Ienzo.

**Ienzo:** No problem. OKAY BYEEEE~! *hangs up*

**Donald:** So we need bodies for _three_ people now?

**Goofy:** We need one for Roxas; Ventus still has his own body, we just don't know where it is.

**Donald:** Okay but we all know that Vanitas is a bad guy, right? Why're we listening to him?

**Goofy:** Apart from the fact that an image of Ven fucking appeared out of Sora's body for a split second?

**Donald:** Point.

**Goofy:** Sora, I know you said you were asleep, but do you have any suggestions whatsoever?

**Sora:** Not really. Hell, for all we know it could be a Foreteller or some shit.

**Goofy:** The fuck's a Foreteller?

**Sora:** No idea.

**Donald:** I AM MAKING FUN OF SORA FOR HAVING LIMITED SCHOOLING, CHIEFLY FOR BEING BAD AT MATH.

**Sora:** Hey, a D in Physics is still technically passing!

**Donald:** Sure it is.

**Sora:** Fuck you.

~THERE SHE IS THERE SHE IS THERE SHE IS! OOOOOOH LOOK AT THAT SHIT, I'M SO HYPE! I JUST WANNA TAKE TONS OF DRUGS!~

**Ansem the Wise and Master Aqua:** *chillaxing on a beach, this being a continuation of the conversation at the secret ending of BBS that takes place after 0.2*

**Ansem the Wise:** So are you gonna stick around, or...?

**Master Aqua:** I don't know how I know, but I'm pretty sure this beach is connected to the one on Destiny Islands.

**Ansem the Wise:** Nice spot, that planet.

**Master Aqua:** Oh, you've been?

**Ansem the Wise:** Yep. Remember sunlight? That was nice. As were the palm trees. And warmth in general.

**Master Aqua:** Yeah...I think I'm gonna stay. That whole thing where if you're lost you should stay put so you'll be easier to find? Honestly, I probably should've done that from the beginning. This place is as good a place as any to stop. Besides, Mickey found me once, he can do it again.

**Ansem the Wise:** These waters are the in-between of dark and light, its shores the margins of day and night. They brought you and I together, so why not also you and another?

**Master Aqua:** Ye.

~SOME TIME LATER...~

**Black cloaked figure:** *sashays toward them*

**Master Aqua:** Someone appears to be sashaying toward us. 'Sup?

**Ansem the Wise:** Hm? Ah. Oh dear.

**Seeker of Darkness:** Hey.

**Master Aqua:** *stats and gets into a battle stance despite the lack of Keyblade*

**Seeker of Darkness:** So, Master, can we talk? Like, privately?

**Ansem the Wise:** *takes off hood* Eh...Nah.

**Seeker of Darkness:** ...Anyway, remember all those human experiments you really wanted me to undertake and then really wanted me to stop? Well we need to lay the groundwork for future titles so I want to talk about that one girl who'll be nameless until whenever Nomura feels like revealing it. Always helps to give someone amnesia so as to further delay revelaitons until whenever the moment is the most dramatic. It worked out well enough for me, had it not? And yet you were holding out on me. You reconstructed Sora's memories, and not mine or hers. Except...I believe you did help the girl with her amnesia.

**Ansem the Wise:** Okay, first of all, I had outside help with Sora's memories; surely your Nobody would've filled you in on Naminé by now.

**Seeker of Darkness:** Don't call me Shirley.

**Ansem the Wise:** Secondly, what do you even want.

**Seeker of Darkness:** The girl? Or at least her location, we can find her on our own.

**Ansem the Wise:** I may or may not actually not know who you're talking about. Can we get a description?

**Seeker of Darkness:** Oh come on, are we really gonna drag this out until a future title? 'Cause I don't have infinite patience any longer; I wasted it waiting for this game to come out. So if you won't tell me here... *reaches out for him*

**Master Aqua:** *knocks his hand away* I'm pretty sure I heard you mention that the person behind me used to do human experiments, and while I don't condone that, I like you considerably less and therefore think you should piss off.

**Seeker of Darkness:** Holy fuck, _there_ you are! Everyone's been looking everywhere for you! Hell, Mickey and that soon-to-be Noctis knock-off are looking for you right now! *summons the Guardian to take a swing at her, knocking her to the other side of the beach* Don't really know why I'm attacking you when we need you for the final battle, I honestly think I should be saving you myself right now so we for sure have you on hand – wait, where's your Keyblade?

**Master Aqua:** Ha! Like I need it to face the likes of _you._ *runs forward at leaps up at the Guardian, kicking at him*

**Guardian:** *catches her by the leg*

**Master Aqua:** ...Well this was a mistake.

**Seeker of Darkness:** Ha HA! Not so tough without your totally awesome cool thing!

**Guardian:** *lifts her up slightly*

**Ansem the Wise:** All right, all right, I'll come with!

**Seeker of Darkness:** Oh good. *motions for the Guardian to drop Aqua, which he does*

**Master Aqua:** *lands on the beach*

**Seeker of Darkness:** Okay, I get that you're a master and everything, but unless everyone on the light side has a Keyblade, we can't use them. So you're kind of out at the moment I guess, unless you come up with a Keyblade before the final battle even though we have footage of Xemnas looking at your old Keyblade and armor in the Chamber of Repose from KHII Final Mix but fucking never mind that shit apparently. And also we'll only consider you if you managed to get out of this situation I'm placing you in I guess.

**Guardian:** *conjures an evil ball of purple energy which is sent slamming into Aqua's chest, sending her flying into the water*

**Ansem the Wise:** *starts to run after her but stops and falls to his knees* Stop, don't, come back.

**Master Aqua:** *sinking into the depths as a pool of darkness starts to spread to the rest of her body* Am I...just going to slowly drown and be slowly drowning the first time Mickey and Riku show up, and only stop slowly drowning when they come back a second time three more planets from now!?

~...BACK ON THE DICKBUTT I GUESS!~

**Gummi phone:** *rings*

**Sora:** Please actually be Riku this time. *answers* DAMN IT.

**Dale:** Fuck you too, Sora!

**Sora:** What do you want, Dale.

**Dale:** Chip just got a message from Merlin. CHIP, GET THAT TIGHT FLUFFY ASS OVER HERE.

**Chip:** Oh hey guys.

**Sora:** Hey Chip, does Merlin need us for something?

**Chip:** Yep. I think it's got something to do with some kind of book. He says he'll have a cup of tea while he waits for ya.

**Dale:** ...Did he not give a location? Was the tea meant to be a riddle?

**Chip:** I honestly don't think so. He never struck me as reaching Dumbledore's level of vague douchiness; I think he just fucking forgot to give a location.

**Dale:** Still kind of a dick move.

**Chip:** Oh no doubt. So, uh, yeah, that was kind of it...BYE! *hangs up*

**Sora:** ...So the Bistro in Twilight Town, right?

**Donald:** Yeah that's pretty obvious.

**Goofy:** You're just saying that 'cause it's the only eatery we're familiar with in the entire fucking universe.

**Sora:** ...Okay I know Little Chef is also literally the best cook in the universe, and this is like the most privileged thing I've ever said, but...is anyone else getting sick of fine dining every single time.

**Donald:** Nah, sometimes you just want fast crap. Unless one literally can't take it anymore, it's comfort food for a lot of people.

**Goofy:** I mean, we don't have to eat while we're there, right? Let's just talk to Merlin about the book thing and bounce.

**Sora:** Sounds good to me, especially since the in-between stuff is always so plot-focused that the first time I played this I was somehow convinced that this was about the Book of Prophecies. Can't wait to be massively disappointed!

**Dickbutt:** *blasts off again*

~Weirdly, every time I do a bistro mini-game I just want Burger King. Wonder why I'm out of shape...~

**Sora:** Hang on, I just realized I'm only level thirty-seven, wanna get up to forty or so by the time we reach Arendelle and somehow I don't think Merlin will provide ways to level up. Let's revisit Monstropolis and then hit Twilight town, sound good?

**Donald and Goofy:** We literally have no choice in the matter.

**Sora:** That's the spirit! *goes back to Monstropolis*

**Mike:** Look who's here. Just in time to see _me_ hit the top of the leaderboard.

**Sora:** Thought you were already there.

**Mike:** We've always got a job for you here.

**Sora:** Not all that interested, thanks.

**Mike:** Just ask and I'll show you around the factory.

**Sora:** Already know my way around but fine I guess.

**Sulley:** Remember, you're always welcome at Monsters, Incorporated.

**Sora:** Shiny.

**Sulley:** Hey, guys! Wait...If you're here, does that mean more of those pests showed up?

**Sora:** I mean they're kinda always gonna be around until we beat the game. Hell, the Unversed are still gonna be around after we've permanently gotten rid of Vanitas and are just tying up loose ends before the end of the game, which doesn't make any sense if you think about it.

**Sulley:** You know, we have you guys to thank for saving the company. Couldn't ask for better friends.

**Sora:** D'awww. *makes his way through the factory* Okay the banana flan Heartless thing sucks shit with low level magic, Imma come back when I have Thundara or something.

**Donald:** You could just use Simba.

**Sora:** Enh...nah. *keeps going until he hits the conveyor belt section*

**Mike:** Relax, Sulley turned off all the lasers.

**Sulley:** But I am thinking about beefing up security after that last visit from Randall.

**Sora:** Smart. Oh hey, a CDA member, I think the Moogle wanted a picture. *takes picture*

**One-eyed CDA member:** Those unidentified life-forms are still on the loose. Be careful.

**Sora:** Always.

**One-eyed CDA member:** I saw a strange symbol on the ceiling. Might be worth investigating.

**Sora:** Already got that one but thanks. *heads outside*

**Mike:** Don't worry, the fire's been out for a while.

**Sora:** I know, I was there when it was originally put out. *sees another CDA member*

**Short CDA member:** The fire has been extinguished. Thank you for the help.

**Sora:** No problem!

**Short CDA member:** Look at the shape of that puddle...It's highly unusual.

**Sora:** I know, it's almost as if it's been purposefully left there for the purpose of me taking one picture of it. *takes a picture of it* OKAY GOT EVERYTHING BYE! *leaves mostly forever*

~I mean I'll be back for more synthesis items later but whatever, I'm basically done.~


	21. Winnie The Fuck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **You know you have good parents when you tell them the Bead Dad story and they're like “WE WOULD HAVE JUST FED YOU/TAUGHT YOU HOW TO USE A CAN OPENER AT MINIMUM WHAT THE FUCK”:** _JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, Avatar: The Legend of Korra, Pokémon,_ the former Super Best Friends channel, _The Good Place,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Square Enix.

~WHO'S READY TO HEAR ME BITCH ABOUT A BELOVED CHILDREN'S FRANCHISE THAT I DON'T PERSONALLY CARE FOR FOR THE EIGHTIETH TIME!?~

**Sora:** Honestly I feel like I would've come back here even if we hadn't been called, I love this planet and all its inhabitants.

**Scrooge:** There are Spanish freedom fighters on the roof!

**Sora:** Are you certain?

**Scrooge:** *listens to the rabble* Oh, no, they may be French.

**Donald:** Wonder what the kids're up to.

**Huey:** *from behind the counter* What did you do! You shrunk him!

**Louie:** *off to the side* Which is exactly what he wanted!

**Huey:** What?

**Louie:** Everything'll be fine! “Whoa! Gyro's shrunk down and worshiped as a god king!” “Wait, what? They're in a war with a bunch of giant ants?” “Aaah! He almost got eaten by a spider but survives and teaches everybody a lesson in trust or something!”

**Huey:** That _did_ happen twice last month...

**Sora:** *big excited* There's a Zeppeli in town!?

**Donald:** Not that Gyro.

**Sora:** Oh...Well that's disappointing...Not as disappointing as y'all's show being _fucking canceled,_ but still...

**Louie:** *sees his uncle and the other two coming forward* Hey Hue! Why don't you tell everybody what you're up to in great length!

**Huey:** I'm almost done with my comprehensive report on cave ducks! After months of research, I've written my masterpiece! This is my chance to get an entry into... *sniffs* _the new edition of the Junior Woodchuck Guidebook!_ Oh!

**Dewey:** My brother's gonna be a _professional nerd!_

**Sora:** Okay so I'm nearly level eighty in space, you got anything new for me?

**Huey:** ...WATER DANCING!

**Sora:** ...So that's a no?

**Huey:** I'M NOT GOOD AT IMAGINATION STUFF, OKAY!?

**Louie:** Don't listen to him! Follow your lame dreams!

**Donald:** I don't think they expected you back here so soon.

**Louie:** Look, I hate surprises. I like seeing every angle of a situation so that I can take control of it. But you can't plan for everything. Sometimes, a robot boy uses you as a piñata.

**Sora:** ...I think I'm losing the thread here. You can just say you don't have anything new for me, I won't get mad, sheesh.

**Goofy:** Yeah I think we should just leave everyone be for now...

**Scrooge:** Is that shark wearing a parka?

**Dewey:** The answer to that is complicated and full of paradoxes.

**Donald:** Just back away slowly...Oh look, Merlin! He's over by the bistro!

**Sora:** Not gonna lie, it's a bit weird to see him just sitting and drinking tea in such a modern setting like this. *walks up to him*

**Merlin:** *slurps his tea as loudly as possible, looking up and seeing Sora, Donald, and Goofy* Oh hey. The hell're you doing here aside from the munchies.

**Sora:** ...You literally told us to come meet you. We assumed it was important.

**Merlin:** Dude I'm so high right now, I don't remember shit.

**Goofy:** We _just_ got the message you left with Chip and Dale, all three of us couldn't have been hallucinating.

**Donald:** Please be about the Book of Prophecies, please be about the Book of Prophecies...

**Merlin:** DUDE THOSE CHIPMUNKS COULD TALK. Also I just remembered what book we were talking about. _Alohomora. Wingardium leviosa._ *unlocks his bag and levitates the Pooh book out of it*

**Sora:** _FUCK._

**Donald:** Hold up, Sora's not on the cover anymore, what gives.

**Goofy:** Can it sense Sora's utter disdain for that entire franchise, he's been bitching about it for literal years now.

**Merlin:** Pfft, I don't fucking know. Sora, do the thing.

**Sora:** I have never wanted to do the thing less.

**Donald:** Wait how come I'm holding the book now.

**Sora:** *holding the Keyblade* Let's just get this over with so I never have to go back.

**Goofy:** Have fun!

**Sora:** Fuck you.

**Merlin:** ALL OF YOU GET OFF MY LAWN!

**Sora:** And fuck you too for getting my hopes up even though I should've seen it coming. *points his Keyblade at the book, turns into light, and goes inside*

**Title Card:** *is admittedly gorgeous what with the book imagery and shit*

**Pooh:** *is sitting in front of his house with Piglet* Oh, bother. Think, think, think...Think, think, think...Oh...

**Piglet:** *kind of just stares at him in silence*

**Sora:** *very unenthusiastically* Hey. *walks up to them* What d'you want me to do.

**Pooh:** Oh! Hello there, Sora. *gets up* You're home.

**Sora:** I am as far away from home as I could possibly be right now, in that I am surrounded by people that I can't stand.

**Piglet:** Hey!

**Sora:** You I have no opinion on. Now what do you want me to do.

**Pooh:** Hmm, let me see...I don't remember anything oddish—

**Sora:** One of my favorite Pokémon to this day.

**Pooh:** ...Sure, but perhaps I've forgotten.

**Sora:** Yeah, I _bet_ you don't see anything wrong with your behavior...

**Pooh:** Hang on, let me see if I can figure it out. Think, think, think...

**Rabbit:** I mean, there's a thing you could help _me_ out with if it's not too much trouble.

**Pooh:** Oh bother...

**Sora:** Don't you _dare_ say that to the most relatable person on this debacle of a planet.

**Piglet:** Gardening mini-games again?

**Rabbit:** *glares at Piglet* Implying there's something wrong with that?

**Piglet:** *immediately flinches, avoids eye contact, and starts stuttering* I-I d-d-didn't mean anything by it, th-they're always s-super useful a-and important.

**Sora:** ...I take it back, that just raised so many red flags, fuck my game self for laughing, I don't care if it was just anxiety instead of an indication of something more sinister, laughing at a reaction like that is just cruel.

**Roo's voice:** Yo, Sora, check _this_ shit out!

**Lumpy:** *exists and walks forward*

**Sora:** ...This is your once-per-parody reminder that I am almost entirely unfamiliar with this mythos. Who're you?

**Roo:** *leaps down from Lumpy's back and slides down their trunk* It's okay, Lumpy, this human's good people. Well, he hates pretty much everyone except me, my mother, and possibly Rabbit, but other than that he's cool.

**Sora:** Eh, you're new and therefore I have no preconceptions against you. The name's Sora.

**Lumpy:** And I'm Lumpy! I hope you won't hate me!

**Sora:** Literally all you have to do is not be a dick.

**Lumpy:** Does this count? *stomps around*

**Gopher:** *pops his head out of the ground* IT ABSOLUTELY COUNTS!

**Lumpy:** Oh. Oh I'm sorry.

**Piglet:** Hey, don't give up on your hobbies just because you're inconveniencing others!

**Gopher:** THEY ARE LITERALLY DESTROYING MY HOME! Oh no.

**Tigger:** *bounces toward everyone*

**Sora:** *turns around just in time to get tackled to the ground*

**Tigger:** I knew you couldn't stay away!

**Sora:** Nope. No means no. Get off me. _Now._

**Tigger:** Oh you love it. It's all in good fun!

**Sora:** Just because you're having fun does _not_ mean everyone else is.

**Tigger:** Well fine, I didn't want to hang out with _you_ anyway. Roo! Lumpy! Let's go! *gets off Sora and bounces in place*

**Roo:** Hooray, I love Tigger! *hops in place*

**Lumpy:** Me too! Me too! Hashtag me too! *stomps in place*

**Sora:** THAT IS _NOT_ WHAT THAT MEANS.

**Tigger:** FUCK YEAH, DESTROY GOPHER'S HOME, HE CAN BUILD A NEW ONE, WHO GIVES A FUCK!

**Gopher and Piglet:** *are thrown off-balance by the tiny earthquake*

**Pooh:** *is still thinking* Oh I remember now! Rabbit needs you to do gardening mini-games!

**Rabbit:** ...Yep. *turns to the bouncers* Yo, you wanna eat this year or what? *walks over to them* If any of _you_ have any ideas about where to get food that's not honey, I would certainly love to hear about it!

**Tigger, Roo, and Lumpy:** *start to think about how to get food without resorting to garden work*

**Pooh:** Well I know you were going to bribe me with honey to help you out, but maybe just get Sora to do it instead and pay him in ingredients? And then still give me all of your honey?

**Rabbit:** …We really need to have an intervention about you being too high-maintenance and demanding and how I am not mentally equipped to deal with you 24/7. Can we just do the mini-games already.

**Sora:** Yeah, I guess I can help out. As soon as I wander around and find all the Hidden Mickeys. *does so*

**Pooh:** Shall we help Rabbit with his garden, Sora?

**Sora:** Yes, _I_ will help, considering I honestly expect you to do nothing but complain about how hungry you are for your favorite food and only your favorite food.

**Piglet:** Do you suppose there's any way for me to help? I would very much like to.

**Sora:** I appreciate the sentiment but I don't think you're involved in this one, I'm afraid.

**Lumpy:** I want to help!

**Sora:** In the second game, maybe? Your enthusiasm's great, though.

**Tigger:** Tiggers like gardenin'! Not as much as bouncin', though!

**Sora:** I somehow doubt that first thing.

**Gopher:** No lollygaggin'. I got a tight schedule.

**Sora:** Of _what!?_

**Roo:** Come on! We'll collect lots and _lots_ of vegetables!

**Sora:** Uh-huh...

**Rabbit:** Every gardener knows the key to a bountiful harvest is proper proportions and perfect timing.

**Sora:** Ah, no wonder I suck usually. *starts the mini-game*

**Game tutorial screen:** Okay, so everyone's intimately familiar with how Bejeweled works, right? No? Why the fuck not!?

**Sora:** This is gonna take some trial and error... *manages it with only a vague idea of what he's doing*

**Rabbit:** *holding a fuckton of carrots* I like that this implies that these carrots I'm holding is all we got out of that mini-game.

**Piglet:** Am I allowed to congratulate Sora on doing most of the work or will you glare at me again?

**Rabbit:** *puts the carrots down* Hey, when you're right, you're right. Thank you for making things five million times easier via doing most of the work for us!

**Tigger:** *bounces past them* I WANNA BOUNCE MORE! INSTANT GRATIFICATION FOR THE WIN!

**Rabbit:** Oh no, no no no! There's no bouncing in farm work despite all of the bouncing in these games!

**Roo:** I was gonna say, that's just a straight-up lie.

**Gopher:** KHII's still ingrained into everyone's brains, Tigger's bouncing was _not_ useful during that particular carrot harvest.

**Lumpy:** But this time we're all being helpful, right? I don't wanna be a dick but I _do_ want to have fun!

**Gopher:** You can do both as long as you're not having fun at the expense of others.

**Piglet:** Like that's ever gonna happen.

**Pooh:** Yo Rabbit, vegetables are gross, can we slather them in honey to make them more tolerable?

**Rabbit:** That's...not the worst idea, actually, but can't it wait until after we're completely finished, as a reward for all the hard work you're not doing?

**Sora:** Hold up, I thought we _were_ done. 'Cause I really wanna leave.

**Rabbit:** But fruit though. _Ingredients_ though.

**Sora:** Ah, got ya.

**Pooh:** Won't you stay, Sora, for the sake of honey?

**Sora:** About that. There's this thing that happens when I try to eat honey. Those little bumps on your tongue? Those are called taste buds. Whenever something hits your tongue, those taste buds can have all sorts of reactions. Mine happen to produce an _incredibly_ negative reaction to honey, in that I've often come close to vomiting the few times I've attempted to consume it.

**Pooh:** ...I don't follow.

**Sora:** Honey tastes bad when I put it in my mouth.

**Pooh:** _**YOU WANT TO FUCKING DIE!?**_

**Sora:** Which is why I went with my first explanation. YOUR PERSONAL EXPERIENCES, LIKES, AND DISLIKES WILL NOT MATCH EVERYONE ELSE'S. DEAL WITH IT.

**Pooh:** Oh, like _you_ need to learn to deal with how much other people love these sections and the source material, despite your personal dislike of the subject matter?

**ShieldEcho:** Fuck you. Eat shit. Consume feces.

**Pooh:** As I thought.

**Sora:** Holy shit everyone moved.

**Piglet:** I hope we find lots and lots of fruit.

**Sora:** We'll find more than you think, but less than I hoped.

**Tigger:** Is it time to bounce yet? Huh? Huh?

**Sora:** Mercifully no.

**Pooh:** I should very much like some honey about now.

**Sora:** That is like every other sentence out of your shit mouth.

**Gopher:** Just say where to dig, sonny.

**Sora:** You're not helping with this one, you're helping with the next one.

**Roo:** I'm gonna be the bestest fruit-picker of all!

**Sora:** You will also not be helping out at all ever.

**Lumpy:** We'll be very good at this.

**Sora:** Yes indeed we will.

**Rabbit:** The fruit is over in the orchard.

**Sora:** M'kay, let's try this... *attempts the fruit mini-game* FUCK THEY ADDED A SEMBLANCE OF A TIME LIMIT WITH THE FRUIT INCHING TOWARD THE WATER THIS SHIT'S THE WORST. *just barely passes*

**Rabbit:** *staring at the giant pile of fruit before them* Now _this_ is way more representative of what we just did.

**Lumpy:** And I helped!

**Roo:** Please eat only half the pile, we need to eat too.

**Pooh:** Okay but picture all of this covered by a thick layer of honey.

**Piglet:** *drools*

**Tigger:** Hey Rabbit, you think my bouncing might come in handy if I use it to look for more food from an elevated height?

**Gopher:** Not the worst idea. There's probably more to find at ground level as well, I'll take on that job. *sinks into the ground*

**Rabbit:** *motions Sora over* I've got a cunning plan that'll shut Pooh up for at least the next few days. Help me out?

**Sora:** A way to shut up Pooh? I don't believe such a thing exists.

**Pooh:** You say something?

**Sora:** See, I really don't believe it.

**Pooh:** Is something the matter, Sora?

**Sora:** I mean I'm fairly certain I've made my grievances clear by now.

**Gopher:** Flowers, huh? So that's what he's up to...

**Sora:** Mm-hmm.

**Rabbit:** Make sure you leave plenty for me to harvest. I'll make clean work of it.

**Sora:** I have complete faith in you.

**Tigger:** Wanna bounce together, Sora?

**Sora:** I do not!

**Piglet:** Oh, I love flowers. Don't you?

**Sora:** Eh.

**Roo:** Wow...Look at all the pretty flowers!

**Sora:** I sure am doing that right now.

**Lumpy:** The flowers smell lovely.

**Sora:** All right, I'll give you that one. *starts the final mini-game* Okay now this one's way easier. If only it weren't the only way in the entire game to get honey as an ingredient... *clears it*

**Rabbit:** *holding a giant pot* Here, Pooh. A pot full of honey. Take it and shut up, you lazy piece of shit, how can you even afford a house.

**Pooh:** Oh, I definitely deserve all of this and more! *sits down and immediately starts stuffing his face*

**Piglet:** Wait, how could we have gotten honey just from the flowers without any bees, I'm confused.

**Roo:** Does it have anything to do with your pesticides killing and/or driving off the bees?

**Gopher:** You kids and your left-wing propaganda. Bees were totally involved, you just didn't see them.

**Lumpy:** Surprised there wasn't a flower-collecting mini-game in general so Sora could impress Kairi and/or Riku.

**Wind:** *blows strongly enough that a bunch of petals start blowing around them*

**Sora:** You know, I think we should all be grateful that none of us are severely allergic to pollen.

**Tigger:** I WANNA BOUNCE THAT HIGH, NO FAIR.

**Everyone else:** Happified reaction noises!

**Pooh:** Sora, I believe that the one I should thank for all that yummy, delicious honey is you.

**Sora:** *crouches down* Nope, the one you should thank is Rabbit.

**Pooh:** ...Um, Sora?

**Sora:** What now.

**Pooh:** *motions to his chest* You used to be right here. Why is it that you went away?

**Sora:** Because I have a life outside of you. And I still resent you thinking that this is my home when nothing could be further from the truth.

**Pooh:** Yes but, you see, I have one of those conditions where if I get hungry I _need_ food right then or I'll pass out.

**Sora:** Which would endear your character to me slightly more if you didn't fixate so much on only eating your favorite food every single time. Bears are omnivores, you can and should eat other things.

**Pooh:** I forget that other food exists. Which is why I thought that I might have forgotten that you existed as well. Again.

**Sora:** I am physically unable to forget you. See, Vanitas was right about one thing: Negative experiences do stay in the mind longer.

**Pooh:** Oh, good, because I want us to be together forever.

**Sora:** ...I have to be delicate in how I choose my words because I am afraid of what you will do to yourself and others if I don't, and I'm always relieved once I'm finally away from you. That is not a healthy friendship. What works for you might not work for those around you, and it definitely doesn't work for me. So I honestly think it's best that I'm hardly ever around, because then you can keep an idealized version of me that actually likes you back in your memory, and I can not have to stress myself over trying to make you happy at the cost of my own happiness and mental health. *internally* Oh, good, our connection _is_ growing weaker, that's great!

**Pooh:** I just don't get why you don't like me, I'm great and awesome in any way!

**Sora:** ...I think you should be a little more introspective. Think about why Piglet is always afraid of saying the wrong thing around everyone. Think about why Rabbit is always frustrated with you and Tigger. Think about why I'm always desperate to leave. If you truly think you're so great, maybe start thinking about being _better._

**Pooh:** ...I'll...I'll try.

**Sora:** ...I guess that's a start. Also holy shit we're done already, that was short as fuck.

**Pooh:** Yeah, but just 'cause the pleasure lasts a little bit less doesn't mean it's any less pleasurable.

**Sora:** ...That's _not_ what she said.

**Pooh:** That _is_ what she _told_ me.

**Wind:** *blows again*

**Everyone:** *looks at the flowers and laughs happily*

**Image:** *turns into a nice illustrated two-page spread of a book that closes, locks, and glows, with an image of Sora appearing sitting on the log with Pooh*

**Hundred Acre Wood title card:** Well wasn't that pointless.

**Hunny Spout Keyblade:** You're only gonna use me for the sake of filling out Shotlocks in your journal and then never again, aren't you.

**Two-page spread:** *starts glowing in the now-open book*

**Sora:** *appears next to Donald and Goofy outside the bistro* So did the story just appear on those pages as I was living it, that would've been interesting to witness.

**Merlin:** Whatever, I'm coming down, plus you're technically done now so who cares.

**Goofy:** But aside from cute artwork, how come the cover art keeps changing each game?

**Donald:** Who cares, we didn't have to collect a bunch of pages again to artificially draw it out, that's what really matters, right, Sora? Sora?

**Sora:** *looking down* I'm honestly glad I finally had a talk with Pooh about how toxic certain friendships can turn out to be...but that's got me wondering whether or not _I'm_ toxic. Maybe _I_ drove Riku to the darkness. Maybe I'm responsible for some bad shit on my end of certain relationships. Fuck, I told Naminé that _I thought she should smile more_ at the end of CoM, the fuck is wrong with me, I'm going to the Bad Place for sure now. I've been telling people that they should repress their feelings for multiple games now. I've _deadnamed_ someone for about as long. I've refused to see Nobodies as the people that they so obviously are. And if my connection with Pooh can be physically weakened as I can somehow feel it has been, what about my relationships with the people that I actually care about?

**Merlin:** Sora, look to your left.

**Sora:** ...At Donald?

**Merlin:** How did you feel about him when you first met?

**Sora:** ...I fucking hated him. His AI was garbage, he died every other second, and I didn't care much for his personality.

**Donald:** Aww, thanks, dickweed.

**Merlin:** And now?

**Sora:** ...The improved AI, the added NPC situational dialogue, and the new show made me like him quite a lot, actually. I mean he was voiced by freaking _Don Cheadle_ at one point.

**Merlin:** Exactly. People can change. People can get better. This does not mean that people always do, and forgiveness is not a thing that _has_ to be handed out to everyone. Everyone has a line, and if people cross that line then not everyone will welcome them back. It all depends on if you apologize, _how_ you apologize, and how you improve yourself not by saying you will but by actually taking the steps to do so. *holds up the book* If Pooh refuses to change, you are under no obligation to continue being friends with him. But if he does show an effort, you still have no obligation to be friends with him. Sometimes people aren't meant to be friends. Their personalities just don't fit. They grow apart, they find new people. And that is _fine._ That's _life._ It is _okay,_ I promise.

**Sora:** ...Thanks, Merlin. And I mean that sincerely for once.

**Donald:** ...So now what?

**Sora:** I'm gonna head back in, actually.

**Goofy:** Gonna chat with Pooh already?

**Sora:** Actually it's mostly to get a bunch of ingredients for when I inevitably fuck up at the Bistro, but I guess getting additional dialogue wouldn't hurt much either. *goes back into the book and plays the three mini-games a few more times before going around and talking to people*

**Pooh:** I think I could be hungry again very soon.

**Sora:** Yes, that _is_ rather how digestion works.

**Pooh:** You know, sometimes I stand on the bridge and look for odd shapes in the leaves.

**Sora:** Got that one already.

**Pooh:** Oh, hello, Sora. It's nice to see you on such a sun-shiny day.

**Sora:** Does the weather even change in this book anymore?

**Piglet:** Oh! Hello there, Sora.

**Sora:** 'Sup.

**Piglet:** Do you have anything exciting planned for today?

**Sora:** Yeah, play Bejeweled while catching up on Twitch vods. That have been posted on YouTube. _How_ is Twitch worse now, this shit's unbelievable.

**Piglet:** Oh, I noticed the foliage has an interesting shape when you look at it from the bridge.

**Sora:** I am aware.

**Gopher:** Good to see you, sonny. Uh, stayin' busy?

**Sora:** Sorta?

**Gopher:** Just say the word, uh, if you need my services.

**Sora:** The way you said that sounded vaguely creepy.

**Tigger:** Hey, Sora! Been practicing your bounce?

**Sora:** I mean I jump around all the time, so I guess...?

**Tigger:** Say, did I see something in the leaves when I bounced up there? Nah, couldn't be.

**Sora:** I GET IT, THAT ONE'S TRICKY TO SPOT, FUCK OFF.

**Tigger:** You just leave the gardening to yours truly!

**Sora:** I would, except...No.

**Rabbit:** Sora! How nice to see you.

**Sora:** Nice to see you, too.

**Rabbit:** Sora, did I tell you? A very distinct symbol caught my eye while I was doing the wash.

**Sora:** You did not tell me but I was already aware.

**Roo:** Sora, you're back!

**Sora:** Sadly yes.

**Roo:** Let's do some more gardening! It'll be fun!

**Sora:** I've already done over an hour's worth of playing mini-games, I think I'm good.

**Roo:** Rabbit and I found a really neat shape thing when I was helping him do his laundry.

**Sora:** That really neat shape thing is the logo of your corporate overlords!

**Lumpy:** Hello, Sora!

**Sora:** Hello, Lumpy!

**Lumpy:** Sora, shall we play in the garden?

**Sora:** We...We already did. You were there for one of the games, do you not remember? *looks around* Okay, was that everyone? It was? Awesome, now to never come here ever again. *leaves*

**Merlin:** What marvelous cuisine! I just might treat myself to more.

**Sora:** Heads up, there'll be a few more dishes on the menu if I don't fuck up, so save some room.

**Merlin:** Travel inside this book and you can see Winnie the Pooh any time you'd like.

**Sora:** ...I'm good.

**Scrooge:** I'm showin' a new film in the courtyard. Don't forget to download the promo game.

**Sora:** Noted! *grabs the new promo games off the bulletin board* These are weirdly fun. Aaaaaand Pence still isn't here yet, fuck that's taking forever. Wonder if at least Hayner and Olette have anything else to say.

**Hayner and Olette:** Nope! We're just constantly repeating dialogue!

**Sora:** Well then! *cooks with Little Chef for a bit* Eyy, four stars! *eventually fucks off to get back to the plot already*

~Well that was fun, wasn't it.~


	22. An Attempt Was Made

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **WHO'S SICK OF LET IT GO PARODIES OH EVERYONE COOL HERE'S ANOTHER ONE FUCK YOU:** _The Good Place,_ “Winter Wonderland,” the former Super Best Friends Play channel, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Avatar: The Last Airbender, JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, Silent Hill, Dragon Ball Z Abridged, and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Square Enix.

~Hey there's a TV show I really like, I don't know if that came across or not.~

**Snowy landscape:** *exists*

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *are already fighting Heartless*

**Goofy:** Sure wish I had another weapon to maybe compliment this shield. Maybe a hammer or something... *kills a soldier*

**Donald:** I'M AN ARSONIST! *shoots fire at two more soldiers*

**Sora:** *slashes at one last soldier, killing it instantly* Did we weaken them first offscreen, 'cause I don't think we're able to do that much damage in one hit yet, this is still Critical Mode. Also I can't feel my fingers, can I have some warmth before I die of hypothermia?

**Donald:** *eyeroll* Sorry, but my automatic transfiguration only works insomuch as it helps us to blend in with our current environment. It's actually summer right now and all this is just a fluke.

**Goofy:** I mean, none of our attire's really appropriate for this kind of weather, but I'm especially worried about Sora since this is like the second time he's ever seen snow in his life, and Christmas Town was probably so magical that the cold didn't really affect anything anyway.

**Sora:** Also I had a coat then. And yeah, we all considered anything below 70 degrees Fahrenheit to be too cold on the _tropical island paradise in which we lived._ This appears to be a temperate zone. *points out at the sea* Honestly I didn't think that the forest was supposed to become a winter wonderland until after the sea had frozen over, which it's only starting to do now. Hey Donald, I doubt it but just to make sure, did your automatic transfiguration somehow get confused and instead of giving us jackets it decided to freeze everything to death?

**Donald:** Blizzaza's not _that_ powerful, no.

**Sora:** We gotta figure this out, then. I mean, somebody royally forked up. *blinks, tries again* Somebody forked up. Why can't I say fork.

**Goofy:** Think this planet might have that filter from _The Good Place._

**Sora:** That's bullshirt.

**Goofy:** Nah, it's fun.

**Sora:** I disagree.

**Goofy:** Good for you, it's now my turn to speculate on the weather. We looking at a new breed of Heartless? We've dealt with ice-themed ones before, maybe this'll have something to do with the boss of this planet.

**Sora:** I somehow doubt that but on the off-chance you're right I think we should check it out. *runs down toward the edge of the water with Donald and Goofy* Hey cool, another kingdom-looking-type-place. And also Jesus apparently.

**Elsa:** *is running across the top of the water, turning it to solid ice with each step*

**Sora:** ...That cape is _magnificent._

**Elsa:** *is still running*

**Ice:** *finishes encasing the water right at Sora, Donald, and Goofy's feet*

**Sora:** *watches Elsa run up the hill and out of sight* ...Well that was awesome. And I sure am glad that I didn't even glance in the direction of the castle to glimpse Anna and Hans; they night've had to model different outfits! Wonder what was wrong, though. That _woman_ – the fork am I calling her a girl for, she's twenty-fucking-one – looked pretty sad, which I am _praying_ that this is indicative of me actively trying to make her feel better instead of me telling another female character that she should smile more...

**Arendelle title card:** Hey. You forkers like the color blue? You like a snowy aesthetic even if you don't like the weather phenomenon itself? Then you are gonna _love_ this shirt.

**Sora:** Okay so we know there are Heartless on this planet and we just saw someone possibly walk on water, or at least get really lucky with the timing. I think we should make sure she doesn't get forking slaughtered by the Heartless. Possibly by teaming up with her and using whatever weird powers she has to our advantage. What I'm saying is that I want Queen Elsa to be a party member and I'll be pretty disappointed in this planet as a whole if I don't get that.

**Donald and Goofy:** Absolutely no arguments here.

**Goofy:** Do ya think the Heartless are after her?

**Donald:** Could be. Let's go!

**Sora:** Hang on, save point and things. *grabs the map and sees a path leading away from the rest of the area so of course he tries there first and finds it blocked off by a bunch of fallen trees* Damn it, the way to Arendelle is _right the fork there,_ I wanna hang out in the kingdom!

**Goofy:** Maybe when they add a Frozen 2 section to Kingdom Hearts: Weird Bullshirt Title that's exclusive to the Switch or something.

**Donald:** I think it's more likely that they'd set it in that forest. A nice autumn aesthetic would be neat to walk through.

**Sora:** Yeah, I'd dig that. Especially since it would be _warmer._

**Donald:** Oh quit your benching.

**Sora:** *kills a bunch of heartless* Heh heh, I just saw a Parasol Beauty fall off the rock she was perched on and use her umbrella to fall safely down, that was cute. *leads the way until they run into a cliff that a group of Winterhorn Heartless descend from* Aww, they're so adorable, I don't wanna kill 'em, this sucks!

**Donald:** Well we're gonna have to if we want to move on.

**Sora:** I suddenly don't like this level. *kills them all and leads Donald and Goofy up a mountain path until they hit another cliff*

**Donald:** Aw, a dead end.

**Goofy:** Naw, Sora can run up this.

**Sora:** Yeah, no problem.

**Donald:** Oh right, that's a thing.

**Sora:** Yeah it's basically all I ever use Flowmotion for. I should probably utilize it more or at least better, but...Enh. *runs up the cliff and Donald and Goofy teleport next to him as always*

**Goofy:** Gawrsh, look how high up we are!

**Donald:** Do I have to? What if we fall?

**Sora:** ...Then we'll have to climb back up again? There's no fall damage, remember?

**Donald:** I'm having a problem remembering the game's mechanics, I guess.

**Goofy:** You'll get the hang of it again, should only take a couple of deaths.

**Donald:** Great...

**Sora:** *walks a little more forward* Oooh, a cutscene!

**Elsa:** *is walking in a winter wonderland*

**Sora:** LOUD NOISES!

**Elsa:** What the fork? *sees Sora, Donald, and Goofy coming at her and flinches away* As is customary I will not question the freakish animal monstrosities by your side – if there's anything the “Order” transfiguration should routinely affect it's that – but what are you doing here? Also where are you even from, I'm pretty sure I would've seen you at the coronation or the after party.

**Sora:** Well, uh, I'm Sora, and...

**Donald:** Come on, think of something good...

**Sora:** Uh, and we're not really anyone important, we just used said coronation as an excuse to visit the kingdom. Just take in the sights, stay out of everyone's way, that kind of thing. *pause* Forgot to bring a jacket, though.

**Donald:** I'm Donald, and no I don't know why I could spring for a cool pirate jacket for the next planet but not this one.

**Goofy:** And I'm Goofy, and it might have something to do with the Frozen section having the most guidelines on it, according to Nomura in an interview.

**Elsa:** Well it sounds like you just missed your reason for visiting. The coronation has already taken place. It...had been warmer then.

**Sora:** So we're just in time for the weird stuff, huh? That's pretty normal for us, honestly. So, uh, I didn't read the pamphlet on the way over, what's your name?

**Elsa:** Elsa...Queen Elsa of Arendelle.

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** FORK, ROYALTY, MUST BE PRESENTABLE. *stand at attention*

**Elsa:** A pity that I'm not in the right head space to find that amusing at present. Honestly, you should probably go back to the village; this isn't a great place to be right now. *turns to walk away*

**Sora:** Well we would, but we physically can't. And also I don't think we'd truly want to if we could, aside from exploration. See, I don't mean to presume, but we saw you run by earlier and it looked like you were sad about something. And I'm a pretty good listener. If you think we should fork off that's fine too, I just thought you'd like to have some options.

**Elsa:** ...I'm gonna choose the “fork off” option. I...I need some space.

**Sora:** Totally valid. You must've been through a lot.

**Donald:** Not that it's a contest but so have we. I mean, my sister goes missing for a decade, I have to raise all _three_ of her kids on my own, then as soon as she comes back I don't even get to see her again myself before _I'm_ launched into space and go through so much other shirt before I'm finally allowed to see her again!?

**Goofy:** I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW OLD MY SON IS RIGHT NOW. HE COULD'VE LONG-SINCE GRADUATED COLLEGE OR EVEN DROPPED OUT BY NOW AND I HAVE NO WAY OF KNOWING.

**Elsa:** What even are these people.

**Goofy:** And this is why Sora is basically our kid now, because we miss our biological families but we still managed to move on and make ourselves a new one.

**Sora:** ...That's the sweetest thing you've ever forking said. And to think I was relieved to spend games without you two involved for most of it. Though granted that was back when Donald's AI was shirt.

**Donald:** Can't really blame you for that, honestly.

**Elsa:** I CANNOT LISTEN TO PEOPLE TALKING RIGHT NOW ALL OF YOU ARE TOO LOUD SHUT THE FORK UP. *whips her hand around and a bunch of icicles jut out of the ground in the direction of Sora, Donald, and Goofy*

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *leap back*

**Elsa:** Oh shirt.

**Donald:** Oh cool, another magic user.

**Sora:** Is _this_ what Blizzaza looks like?

**Goofy:** IMMA POKE IT.

**Elsa:** *tries to back away but a bunch of Winterhorns pop up, preventing her from doing so*

**Goofy:** Damn it, these _are_ cute.

**Sora:** I know but we gotta kill 'em. *runs forward*

**Elsa:** ...What the fork is even happening right now.

**Sora:** *summons Keyblade* You don't seem to be used to your magic yet while we've been fighting these things for nearly two years. We got this, you hide. Unless of course you want to help out?

**Elsa:** NOPE! *leaves*

**Sora:** ...Well fork you too, then. *proceeds to murder everything*

**Last Rock Troll Heartless:** *dies*

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *vanish their weapons*

**Elsa:** *walks back up to them when she totally could've used the distraction to just leave like she'd wanted*

**Sora:** You good?

**Elsa:** I...I'm sorry I expressed emotion. Thank you for your help.

**Winterhorn:** *pops in behind them and goes to attack Sora*

**Elsa:** DIE, BENCH! *blasts it to death with ice*

**Sora:** Holy fork that was awesome please become a party member I want to fight beside you it would be so unfair if we don't get to.

**Elsa:** Dude how much friendly fire do you want to be a victim of, I have no idea what I'm doing.

**Goofy:** Meh, those things deserved to die. Take it from us, three random weird-looking strangers you just met.

**Elsa:** ...I'm gonna need some context.

**Sora:** They're monsters that are after people's hearts. Wherever they go, bad shirt goes down.

**Elsa:** ...Wow, that's not apt.

**Sora:** Exactly. Basically your only option is to go home where it's safer, they rarely attack areas congregated with NPCs. Unless you'd like to join us of course we would absolutely be willing to do that please say yes I beg of you.

**Elsa:** How 'bout I take a third option and go and live alone in the woods, how 'bout that.

**Sora:** ...Let's skip over the part where you're living my dream life and get to the part where you tell me why. You're Arendelle's queen, shouldn't you stay in the kingdom?

**Elsa:** I mean technically the woods _are_ a part of the kingdom, but it's honestly safer for me to not be around people anyway. Besides, Anna can be queen, she'll do a much better job and it's better for Arendelle anyway. *starts to walk away again*

**Sora:** Have you seen the sequel or—

**Elsa:** *summons a giant ice wall between them* I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper. *runs away*

**Sora:** *puts his hands on the ice wall* ...I just wanted me and Donald to show off our own Blizzard magic so even if she's not able to control hers she could at least know she's not alone...I feel like that's a massively missed opportunity for this planet...

**Goofy:** Yeah but we gotta have her continue to feel like shirt so the rest of the movie plot would play out like it's supposed to.

**Donald:** Also she _said_ she wanted space.

**Sora:** I know. I just don't want her to think she doesn't have anyone to turn to once she's done needing space.

**Larxene:** Yeah but getting involved in other people's business when no one asked you to, especially when they've told you they don't want you to, is still kind of a dick move, you know that, right? *was standing behind them for who knows how long* Also I've been Norted, suck it.

**Sora:** Oh good, this again. Ahem. You are clearly an Organization member, yet I don't remember meeting you. Did we meet during CoM, did Roxas and/or Ventus know you, or are you completely new?

**Larxene:** The first two.

**Sora:** Huh. Roxas, then?

**Larxene:** Yeah but there's a chance that Ventus knew me as well back when I was a Somebody. Maybe. Who the fork knows. Call me Larxene, and only Larxene, I don't want to hear about Elrena at this point in my life. Also quit worrying about Elsa, we got this.

**Sora:** Hang on a sec. Did either if you meet her outside CoM or was that a one-game thing.

**Donald:** Definitely just the one game, I don't remember her at all.

**Goofy:** Why did we never ask Axel to catch us up on shirt at the end of 3D, he was right there!

**Sora:** Pity she's not Terra, I just want to get shirt over with at this point...

**Larxene:** Here's an idea, how 'bout you start talking _to_ me instead of _around_ me. You really don't show any respect at all, do you?

**Sora:** People usually gotta earn it first. You could start by not going after Elsa.

**Larxene:** I think you're blowing things a little out of proportion. We don't want to get involved at all; we just want the movie to play out as-is. And even though it usually ends up playing out as it should whether you three are involved or not, there's always the chance that you _could_ screw things up just by being here. Giving Elsa hope that she's not alone in this world, for instance. If you really want to stay on this planet to level up/collect ingredients/whatever, fine, just stay away from the plot. *shoots a bolt of lightning at Elsa's ice wall, destroying it, and using more lightning to bring the pieces circling around in the air and crash landing around Sora, Donald, and Goofy*

**Sora:** ...Lightning allows people to earthbend now, got it.

**Goofy:** I mean, ice is frozen water and water conducts electricity...I know I'm grasping at straws, work with me.

**Larxene:** Hey thanks for not running away or using Fire magic to try and escape, you made my job infinitely easier.

**Sora:** Oh yeah, running away, we should try that. *tries to run at her but the final pieces of ice slam into place*

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *are now trapped in a massive ice labyrinth that Larxene evidently designed and built herself*

**Goofy:** What the fork just happened and also how do we get out of here.

**Donald:** You're asking _me!?_

**Sora:** Well, with any luck this could turn out to be more of a maze than a prison, even though the latter option would've been smarter if she truly wanted us to stay out of everything.

**Goofy:** Yeah, I know she said she was technically going to leave Elsa alone, but if the Organization _wants_ her to be alone then I say we should make sure that doesn't happen.

**Sora:** That's what I was gonna say!

**Goofy:** *bursts into song*  
 _I've never met someone_

**Sora and Goofy:**  
 _Who thinks so much like me._  
Jinx. Jinx again!

**Donald:** Yeah, can we move along before Larxene fucks everything up for everyone?

**Sora:** Sure, fine, whatever. Also boo to this area just being called “The Labyrinth of Ice,” come on, y'all can do better than that!

**Donald:** Start looking.

**Goofy:** Yeah, we'll freeze if we don't find a way out.

**Sora:** *looks up _A Way Out_ on the Gummi phone now that he's been reminded about that game* Oh good, physical copies exist, I didn't think that was a thing. Though I've gotten over myself a little due to the _fucking pandemic,_ I am still overall not a fan of buying digital-only games or DLC; I've preferred physical copies ever since PT was taken off the PSN store.

**Donald and Goofy:** Thanks, Konami!

**Sora:** *meanders and murders his way through the labyrinth while playing David Bowie songs on the YouTube app on the Gummi phone because why the fuck not it's not like Chip and Dale gave him a data cap* It's a good thing I destroyed a breakable ice wall during battle or we might've been stuck in here for _way_ longer. *destroys a breakable ice wall that evidently didn't lead where they were supposed to be heading toward*

**Donald:** A secret passage?

**Goofy:** I wonder where it leads.

**Sora:** Down to where we'd already been so I could grab a chest I wasn't able to reach earlier oh _fork_ off the map was in that the whole time!? *deep sigh* I'd be so much more interested had this been the interior of Elsa's ice palace or something, I don't know if that had been the original idea but I do like it as an idea. It'd make more sense than Larxene creating it, at any rate... *leads the way into a room with a giant ice pillar in it that sinks into the floor in favor of a bunch of Ninja Nobodies popping up* Oh good, could do with a change. *kills them all while trying to avoid the icy stalagmites jutting out of the ground*

**Stalagmites:** *vanish into the ground again as the ice pillar rises back into place*

**Donald:** There's something funny about that pillar.

**Goofy:** Sora, try the pillar.

**Sora:** Someone check if there are any muscular god-like beings inside it first, 'cause if there are I ain't touching it.

**Goofy:** This pillar is _not_ thick enough for even one of them to be trapped in it.

**Sora:** You don't know that considering they could morph themselves into basically whatever shape they wanted but fine, I'll give it a shot. *uses Flowmotion to spin around it*

**Entire area:** *starts to move and shake around them*

**Donald:** Wak! It's moving!

**Doorway:** *shifts into place*

**Goofy:** Hey, look! We can get through now!

**Sora:** Shiny. Let's—

**Donald:** A door?

**Goofy:** And I think it opened when Sora rotated the pillar.

**Sora:** ...I feel like that'd already been established, but okay... *starts sliding down the ice ramp that's in the next room* Whoa!

**Icicles:** *jut out of the ramp just like the previous room*

**Goofy:** We better steer clear of those icicles.

**Donald:** Yeah, they look sharp.

**ShieldEcho:** An icicle had fallen on the father person's head the day before I started polishing this section. He was fine, it was a small one, but still...Be careful during winter, shirt's forked.

**Sora:** Donald I barely heard you over these monsters that had been waiting for us at the bottom. Jesus, with the number of Heartless in here, it's almost like Larxene doesn't want us to find our way out. Except for the part where she clearly does or she wouldn't have made an exit in the first place. No I will not stop harping on it, it makes no sense. *falls off a cliff and leads the way into a room with two more pillars that vanish again in favor of Ninjas and attack icicles* Least I'm getting some EXP out of this...Ooooh, Thundara! Okay yeah, totally worth it.

**Ice pillars:** *reappear, along with a save point*

**Sora:** OH THANK MERLIN. *saves*

**Goofy:** I'm s-s-so cold, I can't feel a thing!

**Sora:** Yeah, it sure would be great if we had _proper winter attire,_ wouldn't it, Donald.

**Donald:** *hastily* We've got to get outta here. C'mon!

**Sora:** *eyeroll*

**Donald:** More pillars!

**Goofy:** That spin trick you did should work again.

**Sora:** Oh you mean that thing I was in the middle of doing while you were saying that?

**Goofy:** That's the one!

**Sora:** I hate you sometimes. *spins around the second pillar, jumps into a secret room to grab a mobile game, then heads back out to a cliff face designed for airstepping*

**Donald:** Sora, you can climb this!

**Sora:** I hate your delivery of that line.

**Goofy:** There might be something up there.

**Sora:** Oh you mean like the literal path we're supposed to go? *airsteps up to the top, killing everything in his wake and heading into another room with another pillar* Aaaaand now I'm just starting to get bored. *kills everything before activating the pillar* Well at least those two know that I got it by now... *heads through the new room and across some slidy things, taking every detour he can so he can make sure that he has all of the treasures and Hidden Mickeys he needs so he technically doesn't _have_ to come here ever again before heading into a room with one last pillar he has to spin around once he's slaughtered everything*

**Platform the pillar was on:** *rises up like an elevator*

**Giant snowflake:** *is complete apparently*

**Sora:** I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess that us creating the shape of a giant snowflake means that we solved this whatever the fork.

**Donald:** Still can't believe Larxene forking designed and built this shirt in the space of two seconds. Granted, Elsa's about to do something similar with her own castle but that didn't involve a forking puzzle maze. That we're aware of.

**Goofy:** That was harder than most of the ice puzzles in _Silent Hill: Shattered Memories._

**Sora:** You know I've never actually played that? Only seen walkthroughs and LPs.

**Donald:** Bit late now, prices are a little on the high side for such an old game.

**Goofy:** Still nothing compared to the original SH 2 and 3.

**Sora:** Thanks, Konami! *checks all the side rooms and things because that's how he be before heading to the room he's actually supposed to head to, which is a room with a straight-up portal in it*

**Goofy:** That must be the exit.

**Donald:** About time.

**Sora:** *grabs the two chests in front of it before heading outside at long last*

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *run out of the giant portal Larxene did not need to include if she truly wanted them to stay out of the movie*

**Sora:** Okay who're we looking for right now, Elsa or Larxene.

**Goofy:** Who even knows anymore, but I _think_ Elsa went that way. My finger points.

**Donald:** Might as well, right, there's not really anywhere else to go right now I don't think.

**Sora:** Fair enough. SAVE POINT WE ARE NEVER DOING THAT AGAIN EXCEPT WHEN WE TOTALLY WILL TO GRIND OR SOMETHING MAYBE. *saves*

**Goofy:** *glances at the portal behind them* Ya know, from here, we might be able to reach that maze we were trapped in.

**Donald:** You want to go back in!?

**Sora:** Not really, as much as I love ice aesthetic that was a little too claustrophobic for my tastes. And usually I'm kind of fond of enclosed spaces, it's weird. *heads up the mountain*

**Goofy:** Arendelle Castle seems so far away.

**Donald:** We're almost to the top.

**Sora:** Yep, can't wait.

**Donald:** *as he's burning up Heartless in their path* More _climbing?_

**Goofy:** Yep. And tough climbing, too.

**Sora:** We can do it. C'mon! *runs up cliff wall after cliff wall and then has to maneuver through some airstep points around giant patches of icicles that almost tripped me up completely the first time I played; I kept falling down and had to restart from the bottom of this area, it was incredibly frustrating* Heh, the Aurora Borealis. At this time of the day, at this time of the year, in this part of the country. *climbs a few more cliffs until he hits the mountain ridge* ...For some reason I feel like I should take a picture of this Hidden Mickey quickly, while I still have a chance. *does so and takes a couple more steps forward*

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *are attempting to make their way through a sudden blizzard that wasn't happening before* ...I KNOW THAT PIANO MUSIC.

**Elsa's voice through the blizzard that wasn't there in the film:** *sings softly*  
 _“Show Yourself”_  
 _“Into The Unknown”_  
 _And “Lost In The Woods”_  
 _“The Next Right Thing” especially_  
 _The new songs are so good_  
 _And even still this one keeps_  
 _Playing in my head_

**Goofy:** *looks up* Am I the only one who hears that?

**Elsa's voice:**   
_Maybe it will stop_   
_Once we're all long dead_

**Sora:** ...You are not. Wait, is this the exact same version from the movie?

**Donald:** Sounds like.

**Elsa's voice:**   
_“I'm sick of it”_   
_They all complain_

**Sora:** I WANNA SEE THIS SHIRT THIS SONG GOT ME TO WATCH THE MOVIE THANK YOU TO WHOEVER AT DISNEY GOT THEM TO POST THE FULL SCENE ON YOUTUBE. *leads the way forward*

**Elsa's voice:**   
_“It's overrated”_   
_Always the same refrain_

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *running steadily up the mountain toward her voice that's honestly just blasting around them as if from some sort of home stereo system*

**Elsa's voice:**   
_I get you're tired of it, but_   
_Guess forking what_

**Camera:** *finally finds Elsa herself as she's taking her glove off and frames it from a cool new angle as her glove floats away and out of frame*

**Elsa:** *does almost movie-perfect movie stuff*  
 _Listen up!_  
 _Listen up!_  
 _I'm singing this one more time_  
*creates Olaf*  
 _Listen up!_  
 _Listen up!_  
 _Don't pretend like it's a crime_  
*makes ice float around*  
 _I still like_  
 _This song to this day_  
 _Let the “fans” rage on_  
*undoes cape*  
 _'Cause YouTube will take it all down anyway_  
*lets cape fly off into the wind where it flies past Sora, Donald, and Goofy*

**Sora:** Well at least that spontaneous blizzard stopped just as quickly—CAPE! *continues to run* Why am I sad that the cape didn't smack Donald in the face or something...

**Elsa:**  
 _I must admit those three nerds_  
 _Are ruining the mood_  
*turns to look behind her as she continues backward up the mountain, somehow not seeing Sora, Donald, and Goofy coming at her*  
 _This was meant to be a private moment_  
 _So how dare they intrude_  
*goes back to running*  
 _But I'm still glad that this is here_  
*creates the beginnings of a staircase*  
 _They didn't make another rhythm game like I'd feared_

**Melody of Memory:** Yet.

**Elsa:**  
 _No, there's real effort here, I'd say_  
 _'Cause hey_  
*jogs up said stairs and steps on them, instantly smoothing them out and making them all shiny and blue and pretty*  
 _Look at this!_  
 _Look at this!_  
*runs up the stairs and creates more as she goes*

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *have almost caught up with her and stop, staring in awe*

**Elsa:**   
_It looks almost like the original_

**Sora:** ...Okay, our Blizzard magic _cannot_ do that, that's just awesome.

**Elsa:** *reaches another surface*  
 _Look at this!_  
 _Look at this!_  
 _They truly gave it their all_  
*slams her foot down and makes an intricate ice floor under her feet*  
 _You can't deny_  
 _The talent on display_  
 _Let the “fans” rage on_  
*starts creating the iconic ice palace around her*

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** ...Didn't know it rose up that high, that's forking amazing.

**Elsa:** *spinning around and adding some finishing touches to the walls and floor*  
 _All of my life I have been_  
 _Forced to play a part_  
*motions upward and ice magic goes up the walls creating the ceiling*  
 _But now I have this chance to_  
 _Figure out what's in my heart_  
*forms a crystallized chandelier out of the center of the ceiling*  
 _Everyone wanted me to_  
 _Lock myself away_  
*takes off tiara*  
 _It's only now I feel_  
 _Like I can finally say_  
*throws the tiara the fork away and takes her hair down, prompting me to do the same thing every forking time, I love this song, it's not my favorite in the movie and it's probably overrated but I love it anyway forking fight me*  
 _Here I am!_  
 _Here I am!_  
 _And I finally feel alive!_  
*creates a new dress for herself because ice powers also come with Piccolo's underutilized Clothes Beam™*  
 _Here I am!_  
 _Here I am!_  
*ICE CAPE MOTHERFORKERS*  
 _And I know one day I'll thrive!_  
 _I can breathe_  
 _For the first time today!_  
*goes out to the balcony as the sun is indeed starting to rise*  
 _Let the “fans” rage on_  
*that castle is gorgeous, I don't give a fork*  
 _'Cause Disney will take it all down anyway_  
*sashays back inside whipping her ice cape around her as the doors slam shut behind her*

~Yes it pales in comparison to literally every other parody of this song ever but fork you I had fun.~


	23. See The Joke Is That Kristen Bell Was Also In The Good Place

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Should I just update the schedule to be on Wednesdays, this is like the third week in a row now, I just keep forgetting, it's not like there's a lot happening in the world these days:** _The Good Place,_ A Very Potter Musical, _Avatar: The Last Airbender, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Star Trek, The Lord of the Rings, Family Guy,_ Dragon Ball Z Abridged, _JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, The Hobbit, Anchorman,_ the former Super Best Friends Play channel, _Undertale, Archer, Kung Pow: Enter the Fist,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Square Enix.

~There was something a little fun about writing/editing for this planet while there was legit snow everywhere outside.~

 **Sora:** *staring up at the bridge staircase thing* ...Holy forking shirt. No wonder there's not a lot to do in this world, that's obviously where all their money and time went. Also I get that they probably just payed for the original version, but...Idina Menzel reprized her role for this game and _didn't_ do a new cover for some reason, and honestly I don't know whether to be disappointed or not.

 **Donald:** Go with not. Also that new dress and hair though.

 **Goofy:** I liked the symbolism of her finally being able to let her hair down by showing her literally letting her hair down.

 **Sora:** I am going to climb those steps, get down on my knees, and beg for the opportunity to go inside and explore, with her constant threatening supervision if need be. *starts forward*

 **Larxene:** *appears in front of them* Okay this is bordering on stalkerish behavior. Like, you know that song was meant to be a private, revelatory moment, right? You gonna spy on her during “Show Yourself” if the sequel makes it into a future title!?

 **Sora:** Actually I figured I'd spy on Anna during “The Next Right Thing” because if any song is about finding light in the darkness it's that one. And obviously my personal pleasure and desire for content supersedes an artist creating something for themselves! Also you were clearly listening in on her too, since you said that.

 **Larxene:** Yeah but I'm a villain, I get to be as much of a dick as I want. Your side, on the other hand, is meant to be above all that. And anyway, I kind of have to follow Elsa; on the off-chance we have to kidnap her later, we gotta know where she is. Maybe she's one of the seven pure lights we need that Marluxia already told you about but we need to make sure people get it for the trailer and also this is a baby game for babies – yep, talking once again about the New Seven Hearts™. Gotta make sure she actually qualifies, though. Fortunately, this is a pretty decent spot to check. You were right about picking “The Next Right Thing” as a preference; where better to find a source of light than in someone who's in absolute despair. *looks up at the castle* Admittedly this isn't the _best_ time to check. Elsa just got to freely use her magic for the first time with no danger of harming anyone around her because she's all alone, and we've established that being on your own sometimes can be good for a person. However, there's the interpretation that she's running away from her problems and trying to distract herself from the fact that she's still terrified of what she can do. One can do a lot with that. *holds up a hand to the castle* And yes, we know her personal history. I just wanna see if she's gonna be like her fairy tale character and turn evil, as was the original plan for the film in the first place. *lowers her hand*

 **Sora:** Elsa would never rely on the darkness! We shared one conversation so I know her personality perfectly!

 **Larxene:** I mean, she's not exactly evil yet. She could continue hiding herself away for the sake of protecting others, or she could grow resentful of everyone's resentment toward her and seek to retaliate. If she believes her magic is darkness – if she grows too afraid of her own power – then it will only cause her and others harm in the long run. That's what the trolls were trying to say in the beginning but apparently Grand Pabbi isn't the best communicator because the royal family did, like, the opposite of what they should have done. Anyway, if and when Elsa learns to accept herself, in whatever form that takes and in however many magical costume changes it requires, it will only be then that she will truly feel free. Which while we get some pretty strong character development in this one we'll frankly have to wait for the sequel for her to truly show herself...But there's still time for her to turn evil and I wanna see if that might happen this time around.

 **Sora:** Okay I know I'd be giving you people another target if I prevent Elsa from turning evil but I still don't want her to turn evil.

 **Larxene:** No, no, no, no, no, no, no. This isn't about you. Why does every conversation we have have to turn into Sora-talk.

 **Sora:** What are we even—

 **Larxene:** This is about how women are almost always the ones given unsolicited advice by strangers who should really just mind their own fucking business and leave us the fuck _alone_ already! *conjures some lightning surrounded by little crystallized rocks which she uses to send a giant gust of freezing wind at Sora, Donald, and Goofy*

 **Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *are slowly pushed backward*

 **Sora:** You the forking Avatar now or what, Merlin. *starts forcing his way forward*

 **Larxene:** You wanna help her? Then stop trying to make _yourself_ feel better by attempting to save someone who doesn't want to be saved! Women are allowed to choose their own paths in life, and even if they choose “wrong,” guess the fuck what? _They're also allowed to learn from their mistakes._ Stop assuming _you_ know what's best just because _she's_ not exactly like you! And that goes for anyone else who doesn't conform to your narrow ways of thinking! *adds some more lightning to her wind blast*

 **Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *struggle to maintain their positions but eventually get sent tumbling off the cliff behind them, Donald and Goofy first, followed by Sora, who's screaming the whole way down even though he should know by now that there's no fall damage*

 **Sora:** *regains consciousness first, somehow being the only one who fell on top of the snow and isn't somehow buried in it* All right, who's not dead! Sound off!

 **Donald:** *pulls his head out of a small conveniently-placed pile of snow, shaking himself off* My pupils are outta wack, that can't be good. Seem to be okay otherwise, though.

 **Goofy:** *doesn't bother digging himself out and just waves his arms which're the only parts of him not buried* I don't want to go on the cart!

 **Sora:** Okay, there was a camera cutaway and now Goofy's free, that's awesome. And now I think we should go all the way back up to check on Elsa again because I don't really think listening to Larxene is the best thing to do right now and don't want to think about the implications of her actual words because being wrong feels bad.

 **Goofy:** And maybe you and Donald can actually show off some of your magic this time so the poor woman who was forced to think that she was a freak all her life can finally start to feel like less of one.

 **Sora:** Unfortunately I don't think the restrictions on this level will allow that to happen.

 **Donald:** Can we at least agree not to bring up that other thing Larxene said? We don't need to go making Elsa even more anxious and possibly start a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy.

 **Sora:** That is a good forking point.

 **Goofy:** Also something about the prime directive again.

 **Donald:** We're using it way more here than in previous games, aren't we.

 **Sora:** I mean it never really mattered before; Jack and Ariel freaking _know_ we're all a bunch of aliens and it never really affected them more than increase their already-present desires to explore more of their own planet. *starts leading the way forward*

 **Goofy:** *lifts an ear* There is a fell voice over the air.

 **Donald:** U wot? *looks where he's looking*

 **Sora:** Wait what's going on?

 **Donald:** ...It appears to be an avalanche for no reason aside from possibly Larxene.

 **Avalanche:** *cascades down what used to basically be a ski slope and takes a bunch of trees down with it as it heads right for Sora, Donald, and Goofy*

 **Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** WELL _THIS_ IS NO BETTER!

 **Goofy:** *summons his shield and throws it on the ground* SLEDDING MINI-GAME GO!

 **Sora and Donald:** *hop on the shield*

 **Goofy:** *gives them a push to start them off before jumping on the back*

 **Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *somehow maintain balance for the duration*

 **Frost Serpents:** *are hidden amongst the piles of snow heading toward them and occasionally shoot laser beams at Sora, Donald, and Goofy who can often just barely get out of the way*

 **Sora:** I got this. *gets hit* I don't got this.

 **Donald:** Why. Didn't. You. _DOOOOOODGE!_

 **Goofy:** Incoming! Watch out!

 **Donald:** It's right behind us!

 **Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *slide down and attempt to dodge until they finally slide off the cliff they're on right into the area where the Frozen Slider mini-game will be re-held later; _easily_ my favorite mini-game in the whole game, possibly by virtue of not being the Tangled or Toy Story ones*

 **Three more Frost Serpents:** *pop out of the snow like daisies once Sora, Donald, and Goofy finish the mini-game and land on level snow again*

 **Sora:** Oh great, these shits again. *doesn't yet know that you need to target the wings and tails specifically with either weak shotlocks or magic in order to get incredibly rare Hungry Stones, Gems, and Crystals so wastes a perfectly good opportunity and just kills them* FORK YEAH DOUBLEFLIGHT

 **Donald:** Glad that's over with and nothing else will happen for the rest of the day—

 **Goofy:** You hear something?

 **Sora:** Oh fork.

 **Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *watches a couple of dragons they somehow missed fly off and into the huge snow drifts that piled up after the avalanche*

 **Another avalanche:** *starts up again, either caused by those dragons or because Larxene realized she'd missed the first time*

 **Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** RUN AWAY!*run away*

 **Goofy:** *gains the lead but doesn't have time to summon his shield again before they're all engulfed*

 **Screen:** *fades to black*

 **Olaf's voice:** I wonder if I've met up with Anna and the Svens yet or if I'm just about to. I _was_ commenting on different colors when I met them, which might make sense if I'd just seen these blue and green and black characters here. I feel like that came out wrong. Hmm?

 **Sora:** *has a chunk of snow attached to his head by his spiky hair* Guh... *lifts his head as he regains consciousness*

 **A blurry image of Olaf:** *is searching through the snow before turning around, smiling, and hopping toward Sora on one foot* Silly spiky grass. Give me back my foot. *grabs the chunk of snow off Sora's head and sticking it back on*

 **Sora:** *watches Olaf waddle away* I have seen talking furniture and knickknacks, a talking doorknob, talking gargoyles, various talking animals, and living, talking toys. Why is the idea of Frosty the Snowman being real suddenly ludicrous to me. *slowly gets to his feet and stares at the path ahead as Donald and Goofy also stand up* Hey did you guys wake up in time to see that tiny snowperson wander away?

 **Goofy:** ...Okay we all know _I_ can't be affected, but I think the last two really big falls might've affected ya if you're seein' weird shirt like that.

 **Sora:** What makes you say that, considering that I just established this as being far from the weirdest thing we've seen in these games? Our first planet was forking _Wonderland,_ remember? This is like watching _JoJo's Bizarre Adventure_ and being weirded out by a stand that can physically open up your body like a literal book in order to figure out your life story _long_ after you've watched a vampire god turn his hand into a squirrel. THE WORD “BIZARRE” IS IN THE FORKING TITLE, PEOPLE!

 **Donald:** *exchanges concerned glances with Goofy* Everybody knows snow sculptures can't talk. You must've imagined it.

 **Sora:** DONALD, _YOU_ WERE A SNOWMAN BACK IN CHRISTMAS TOWN. HOW DO YOU NOT REMEMBER THAT.

 **Donald:** That was a Final Mix addition, I only played vanilla.

 **Sora:** Of course you forking did...

 **Goofy:** Okay, fine, let's just say it's possible. I say we completely forget about it and go back to our plan to return to Elsa.

 **Sora:** Oh yeah, the plot of the movie, we should do that. Let us away, ere break of day.

 **Goofy:** Nothin' but snow as far as the eye can see.

 **Donald:** The snow is beautiful!

 **Sora:** Sure is. *dicks around for a few moments getting ingredients and chests and precious, precious save points before heading into a cutscene*

 **Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *are walking through a bunch of trees dripping with ice crystals* WE ARE WALKING!

 **Anna, Kristoff, Sven, and Olaf:** WE ARE ALSO WALKING!

 **Anna:** *is chatting with Kristoff* First of all, throwing sand is an excellent way to put out a vodka fire.

 **Kristoff:** Why would you even know that!?

 **Olaf:** *stops walking and laughs to himself* I _literally_ just finished singing “In Summer” probably! And I can't wait to meet what should basically be a god to me if not at least a parent. I bet she's the nicest, warmest, best person ever at all times every minute of every day because that's what all humans are like!

 **Donald and Goofy:** ...Huh.

 **Sora:** Ha! Suck it!

 **Goofy:** Fair enough!

 **Sora:** Imma get all up in his personal space, as one always should when meeting someone who doesn't meet societal expectations of “normal”! *runs up in front of Olaf* How the _fork_ did Elsa bring you to life!?

 **Anna, Kristoff, and Sven:** *all turn around to see Sora kneeling in front of Olaf and Donald and Goofy standing somewhat menacingly behind him*

 **Olaf:** Oh, it's never explained.

 **Sora:** That's forking ridiculous!

 **Olaf:** Sure is. Also Stranger Danger, STRANGER DANGER!

 **Anna:** What the fork, who are you? *walks up to them with Kristoff and Sven in tow* ...Hey Olaf, I know you were basically just born, but the two behind you are clearly some form of magical animal and the person in front of you doesn't look like he needs a jacket, so I don't think it's entirely unreasonable to think you might already know them despite them heavily questioning everything about you.

 **Olaf:** You three are literally the only living beings I know. Also I seem to denote said living beings by colors and textures alone. Your names are now Blue, Green, and Spiky.

 **Sora:** Wow, the last person to comment on my anime hair was another anime character basically, that takes me back. And now I'm gonna briefly bring up my disappointment at not being called Red and/or Black before immediately abandoning it after recognizing the negative connotations, kicking myself, and telling you that my name is Sora.

 **Donald:** Donald.

 **Olaf:** I'm probably not gonna remember any of this.

 **Goofy:** I'm the only one who likes the color idea, I guess. Henceforth, you will refer to me by my true and proper title, that of Goofy the Green.

 **Anna:** *laughs* You guys are so fun. Just relentlessly fun. I keep thinking “When are they gonna stop being fun?” And the answer is never. You're never gonna stop. *deep breath* Anyway, I'm Anna. *turns to Kristoff* Hey, remember how earlier in the game we had a nice change of pace with Buzz refusing to instantly trust these guys, adding a touch of realism to this clusterfork?

 **Kristoff:** I do remember that, yes, I really liked it and am hoping for more of that at some point—

 **Anna:** I INSTANTLY TRUST THEM WITH MY LIFE AND PASS AND ALL MY DEEPEST DARKEST SECRETS BASED ON ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Oh, we should pop some champagne! Call those magic ants!

 **Kristoff:** ...Wha—Don't you think that's way too fast to be trusting complete strangers like that? You took longer to warm up to _me!_

 **Anna:** Yeah, I know, you wanna do that thing where we're arguing and fighting but then suddenly it's like “Whoa, this is hot” and we start making out — dream on! Or whatever, fine, let's just do it.

 **Kristoff:** Hard pass. *sighs* You are so lucky my reindeer guilted me into coming with you. Speaking of, this is Sven, and I'm Kristoff. Hopefully Olaf will ignore this until the appropriate musical number is about to start.

 **Goofy:** Nice to meet ya.

 **Sora:** *stands up again* Since you're the only people we've seen around here in a hot minute aside from Larxene, mind if I ask what you're up to?

 **Kristoff:** Long story short, it should _not_ be winter right now.

 **Sora:** Wow, climate change hit you people _hard,_ huh.

 **Kristoff:** Please, everyone knows that shirt's a myth. This is reality; _obviously_ this was caused by magical forces, get with the program.

 **Sora:** ...Uh-huh.

 **Anna:** Which is why we're looking for my sister Elsa in the first place. Look, I know the future seems bleak, but I have a plan.

 **Sora:** You're the sister of the queen? You'd think we'd make a bigger deal out of the fact that we are clearly dealing with a princess right now, but you'd be wrong.

 **Anna:** Yeah yeah yeah, I'm amazing.

 **Goofy:** And since we all have the same goal in mind, does that mean you four are gonna be our party members? Is Kristoff gonna hack at things with a pickax and Sven impales things with his antlers while Anna and Olaf hide like Boo does during battle?

 **Anna:** No, none of those things are gonna happen. Also how do you know Elsa. Go ahead, guys. Speak your mind.

 **Sora:** We only just met her the once. So, uh, we were in town for the coronation but missed the actual celebration. Mind filling us in on what the fork even? 'Cause while Elsa can probably definitely handle anything that physically comes her way, I'm a little worried about her emotional state.

 **Anna:** ...Cool. Cool — I have some questions. You're saying she's in trouble? Are you sure?

 **Sora:** I refuse to answer!

 **Anna:** Son of a bench! I'm gonna stare harder at you!

 **Sora:** I will maintain my uncharacteristic silence!

 **Anna:** Oh! Totally! Yeah, I think this is gonna be okay! I now suddenly trust you implicitly!

 **Kristoff:** So do I for some reason!

 **Olaf:** I don't know what we're yelling about!

 **Anna:** Oooh! I have an idea! Wanna hear me and Elsa's entire life stories!?

 **Sora:** Boy do I!

 **Olaf:** LOUD NOISES!

 **Kristoff:** So it only snowed last night meaning that there's no way all of the plant life could've died already. I'm gonna go dig up a patch of grass for Sven while you catch these guys up on shirt. *begins to lead Sven away*

 **Olaf:** Okay so I wasn't listening to any of that, what's going on?

 **Kristoff:** *hoists him up under one arm* The important characters need to go over plot stuff. I'm taking you with me so you don't distract them.

 **Olaf:** Okay. Say, I think I heard the name Kristoff, who's that? Do you know him, Sven?

 **Kristoff:** _My_ name is Kristoff, only the reindeer is called Sven.

 **Olaf:** I'm aware what other people think and they're allowed to be wrong.

 **Kristoff:** No that's not my opinion, that's a motherforking goddamn crystal-clear _fact!_

 **Olaf:** That's a hard maybe!

 **Sora and Anna:** *go sit on a snow-covered rock while those three walk away and Donald and Goofy just fade from existence apparently*

 **Anna:** *sits* My ash is now wet. Remind me what I'm getting out of this again?

 **Sora:** *also sits* Yeah this whole situation is _not_ good for the dangly bits.

 **Anna:** Gross.

 **Sora:** Oh get your mind out of the gutter, Anna, I was talking about my testicles.

 **Anna:** Dude, here's where I'm at. Feelings are stupid.

 **Sora:** Hard agree.

 **Anna:** You know, I used to think about how it's weird they don't make pants that're just one big pant leg for both your legs.

 **Sora:** ...You mean a skirt?

 **Anna:** No! The — You're not getting it and my thing is different so shut up.

 **Sora:** You're stalling.

 **Anna:** Yep. *takes a deep breath* When we were little, my sister and I used to be really close, and no one thought our parents were unintentionally neglectful or emotionally abusive in any way. Good times. And here is a flashback of me and Elsa as little kids in this one specific hallway in the castle.

 **Sora:** Huh, weird how they went out of their way to make in-game assets for just this one cutaway.

 **Anna:** You are _very_ bad at this.

 **Sora:** Sure am!

 **Past Elsa:** *enters her room and shuts the door behind her*

 **Past Anna:** Huh, wonder if that's a metaphor for something.

 **Present Anna:** But then, one day, for some reason, Elsa just shut me out. That remains depressing.

 **Past Anna:** Ah, there it is. *looks out window* YAY SNOW!

 **Sora:** FORK YEAH HERE WE GO.

 **Past Anna:** *runs to Elsa's room* Elsa? *knock knock knock-knock knock*  
_Do you wanna watch the sequel_  
_C'mon, let's have some fun_  
_It's a movie that I like a lot_  
_Though it may not_  
_Satisfy everyone_

 **Present Anna:** Yes I know it's a different singer, why do you think I'm talking awkwardly over the song if not to cover that up? Judge me all you want, I get results. Anyway, years passed and we barely ever saw each other. Then, finally, it was time for the movie to properly start.

**Past Anna:**  
_I'll get a fantastic solo_  
_Hell, you'll get two_

**Present Anna:** Let's just say I was more than a little excited, to the point where I sang a whole other song about how excited I was. That went pretty well, right?

 **Sora:** Absolutely, said song is actually my favorite out of all of them in the first movie, is that one in the game?

 **Present Anna:** I'm glad you like it. But no, it's just the big two.

 **Sora:** Bugger.

**Past Anna:**  
_And Kristoff will get to siiiing~!_

**Present Anna:** But yeah, I figured we'd finally have a chance to talk at the celebration after the coronation. That doesn't sound as nice as you think it does. My motivation was corrupt. Even when I do nice things I'm only doing them so I can get something out of it. That part where I sung _“For the first time in forever/I could be noticed by someone”_? I was possibly singing about Elsa. I only cared about my own feelings, not hers.

 **Sora:** I don't really care if it was selfish on your part, to be honest; I _adore_ that interpretation.

 **Present Anna:** I do too, that's why I said it. But at the after party, I may or may not have something that made her mad. *motions around her at the snow* How can we be sure this is _my_ fault!?

**Past Anna:**  
_Do you wanna watch the sequel_  
_Don't think there's gonna be a threequel_

**Present Anna:** ...Okay fine, turns out there are many ways to know that it was me. We got into an argument, and I lost my temper. I was just sick of her cork blorking me! Hmm. It's a nice touch that the cursing filter maintains the rhyme. I appreciate that attention to detail.

 **Past Elsa:** *through the door* IT ONLY GOT 76% ON ROTTEN TOMATOES, ANNA, WHO THE FORK WOULD WANT TO WATCH IT BASED ON THOSE METRICS.

**Past Anna:**  
_...Bench I'm gonna be queen_

**Present Anna:** And, well, that's when she used her magic to push me away, and by that I mean used her magic to physically run away, I honestly don't know why I phrased it like that. But everything I do blows up in my face. *deep sigh* What's the point of love if it's just gonna disappear. And how is it worse to not love anybody. There has to be _meaning_ to existence. Otherwise the universe is just made of pain, and I don't like the thought of that.

 **Flashback:** *ends*

 **Anna:** And it turns out I _did_ take this opportunity to re-sing my song, suck it Idina! And also, bonus...Maybe everyone cries like a stupid little baby!*sings softly*  
_Hey...You know I love you_  
_It's in you I'll always believe_  
_I'll support your choice through anything_  
_Yes, even if that means_  
_You have to leave_  
_I want you to be happy_  
_And if you truly find_  
_Somewhere that you belong..._  
_...Do you wanna watch the sequel?_

 **Sora:** ...That was beautiful. As was the decision to focus on all the pretty ice trees surrounding us for the duration of that last part for some reason.

 **Anna:** I shouldn't have upset her. I felt bad about what I did. It was a weird feeling, not used to it, didn't love it. Elsa ran away because she was frightened. Of me, of people's reactions, probably mostly of herself. I have to bring her back home.

 **Sora:** ...I feel like you gave me a way better explanation of events than you gave to Kristoff.

 **Anna:** Yeah that one just kind of focused on Hans, didn't it. Ugh, love has made me a nerd.

 **Sora:** And Hans isn't brought up here because he doesn't matter and will never matter!

 **Anna:** Girl, you are a messy bench who loves drama and I am _into_ it!

 **Sora:** Not a girl. Anyway, I'm sure Elsa knows how much you love her. And now I have my own flashback of Elsa struggling to move through the wind. Unfortunately I don't think I'm saying this next part out loud, but we know that she can't really control her powers that well. Maybe she thought she'd harm her sister, and that's why she went away, to protect Anna from harm. Heh, reminds me of Riku trying to protect me from his own darkness...why am I flashing back to the end of KHI instead of when we thought he was Ansem, Seeker of Darkness? Ah, there he is with the long hair. _Fork_ he should've kept that long hair. Oh, right, comparing him to Elsa...they both love us, boom, got it. *aloud* If anything can help her, it's you.

 **Anna:** Are you sure, dude? Isn't there...someone else better you could ask, like, literally anyone else?

 **Sora:** Determined face!

 **Anna:** Your determined face fills me with determination. I believe in you, nerd boy.

 **Kristoff:** Y'all ready for yet another mini-game?

 **Sora:** Aw, I just did one!

 **Anna:** How can I say no? Heh, _can_ I say no? It doesn't feel like I can say no, but if I can, Kristoff, I'm saying no.

 **Sora:** *gets up as Kristoff runs toward them*

 **Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *run up to meet him*

 **Sora:** 'Sup?

 **Kristoff:** Check it. *holds up a stick*

 **Donald:** That your wand? CAN YOU DO MAGIC TOO!?

 **Kristoff:** I didn't attempt to murder Olaf for being annoying, how dare you suggest such a thing!

 **Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** That sounded suspiciously specific—

 **Kristoff:** NO IT DIDN'T!

 **Donald:** ...So is he actually dead, or...?

 **Anna:** *walks up to them* Very obviously not. Not unless we melt him, anyway. We can just put him back together! And by we I mean you, I don't wanna.

 **Sora:** Figures.

 **Donald:** WHAT IS KEEPING HIM ALIVE!?

 **Goofy:** I assume magic.

 **Kristoff:** I didn't throw his chunks of snow flesh _that_ far in my unbridled rage. You. Fetch.

 **Sora:** Uh-huh...

 **Olaf:** _Hey! I'm over this way!_

 **Sora:** ...That sounded like it was literally right next to us. *ignores him for the moment and talks to Kristoff instead*

 **Kristoff:** Who knows where he rolled off to. He can't be too far off.

 **Sora:** You are _strong,_ sir. *turns to talk to Anna* Hi there!

 **Anna:** *gasps* Fork off.

 **Sora:** Okay.

 **Anna:** *muttering* Olaf falls apart a lot, but I'm still a little worried...Ugh, forget it, heading to the bar!

 **Sora:** That _would_ warm me up...

 **Anna:** Let's hurry up and find Olaf's parts!

 **Sora:** Phrasing, BOOM! High-five?

 **Anna:** I can't high-five that! No matter how badly I want to.

 **Sven:** “I'll help you look!”

 **Kristoff:** Thanks, Sven, but we've got this one. And by we I mean they, I refuse to do shirt.

 **Sora:** Okay, guess I'll get on with it... *goes out into the middle of the area*

 **Olaf:** _Sora...?_

 **Donald:** I heard it too.

 **Goofy:** Yep, that's Olaf's voice.

 **Sora:** Again, it sounds as loud as you two do now.

 **Goofy:** Why don't we look above the waterfall?

 **Sora:** 'Cause I don't want to discount the rest of the area. Also are these trees made of ice? *stops what he's doing to take all of the pictures*

 **Goofy:** Maybe. Look at the little snow-blossoms growing on 'em.

 **Olaf:** _Anna...?_

 **Goofy:** It's quiet, but I can definitely hear his voice.

 **Sora:** There was nothing quiet about it.

 **Olaf:** _Sven...? Kristoff...?_

 **Kristoff:** Okay what the fork, make up your mind already.

 **Sora:** I think we're meant to follow the voice but since they didn't bother with binaural audio, assuming I'm using that term right, it's not having the effect I think they were going for.

 **Olaf:** _Would I call this cozy or snug? Mmm, I'm gonna go with snug._

 **Sora:** *glances in the direction of a giant snowball* Oooh, let's see if I can get another Frost Gem out of this, can never have too many of those. *jumps onto giant snowball*

 **Olaf:** _Wow...The inside of snow looks so much like the outside._

 **Sora:** ...No way. *smashes the giant snowball against a cliff and Olaf's head pops out*

 **Olaf's head:** Hi, Sora!

 **Sora:** And this is why you always go for the head. Now he won't talk for the rest of the mini-game!

 **Olaf:** I was starting to think nobody'd ever come along and find me.

 **Sora:** *picks up his head* You know, that would've been a spectacular idea. And I don't even hate you as much as most people seem to – I actually laugh at most of your jokes and I _really_ liked your song in the sequel – I'm just annoyed that we'll never get Elsa as a party member and I'm taking my displaced anger out on you.

 **Olaf:** Acceptable. *is magically in Anna's arms now*

 **Sora:** *goes up to talk to him*

 **Olaf:** I'm feeling...incomplete.

 **Sora:** I bet.

 **Goofy:** I think I mighta seen Olaf's legs leggin' it.

 **Sora:** No. Bad.

 **Donald:** Look! Legs!

 **Sora:** *sees Olaf's lower half skating on the ice, walks up slowly to it so as not to startle it, and smashes triangle which sends him into a slide as he grabs Olaf's ash* I caught him!

 **Goofy:** Way to not fork it up!

 **Donald:** Where did he go?

 **Sora:** *finally decides to climb the waterfall like Goofy'd told him to in the beginning and sees a giant snowball with a coal button in its center* Is _this_ him?

 **Goofy:** Well, it's the right shape...

 **Donald:** But it's huge!

 **Sora:** Hey, this is a fat-shaming-free zone. Think that's all of him?

 **Donald:** Sure, let's go with it.

 **Goofy:** Anna'll know what to do next. Hopefully.

 **Olaf:** *is now towering over everyone* Anna, question...When did you get so small and tiny?

 **Anna:** Um, actually, Olaf, it's more that you're really big now. Okay. *clap* Okay. *clap* Focus, team.

 **Olaf:** I _am_ really big now! What a great view!

 **Goofy:** Hmm...I think we did it wrong.

 **Olaf:** Aw, but I like being tall.

 **Sora:** Keep looking.

 **Olaf:** You sure you never slid past my body? Ever?

 **Sora:** Maybe, I just grabbed the first thing I saw, really.

 **Olaf:** I think I got separated from my tummy near a slidy kind of place.

 **Sora:** That'd be the waterfall.

 **Olaf:** You know, actually, I don't mind staying this way.

 **Sora:** Yeah I wouldn't mind being taller either. *tries to head to the save point but is blocked by an invisible wall*

 **Donald:** Sora, what about Olaf?

 **Sora:** *frustrated* What _about_ Olaf. *climbs the waterfall again and grabs another chunk of snow* This... _might_ be Olaf.

 **Donald:** And you saying it like that means it's definitely not.

 **Goofy:** There's only one way to find out. By repeating the dialogue we use to show we found all of him!

 **Olaf:** Wait, why does everybody look all wobbly?

 **Anna:** It's not us, Olaf! You're about to tip over! *frustrated sigh* I'm gonna go punch a wall with my head, I'll meet up with you later.

 **Olaf:** Huh? Wha—Oh no! *falls apart*

 **Donald:** Ohh...

 **Sora:** Yeah, I kinda figured that was wrong.

 **Kristoff:** Then why?

 **Sora:** I literally just wanted to see what would happen.

 **Sven:** “Nice.”

 **Kristoff:** You said it, buddy.

 **Donald:** Everything looks like Olaf.

 **Sora:** Sure does.

 **Olaf:** I'd help, but I'm feeling a little broken up right now.

 **Sora:** Okay that one made me smile, I admit. *meanders along at ground level again until he finds a large brown rock(?) with a piece of coal attached to it* ...Oh I can't not try this one.

 **Goofy:** Wait why are we convinced this is snow.

 **Donald:** I'd laugh so hard if it were shirt.

 **Olaf:** Ready for my “In Summer” reprise? *is suddenly picturing himself on a sand dune*

 **Kristoff:** I'm gonna tell him.

 **Anna:** Don't you dare!

 **Sora:** Wait, it _is_ shirt?! That's forking hilarious!

 **Olaf:** I think I remember! Up above the frozen waterfall, over to the right.

 **Sora:** About forking time!

 **Goofy:** Hey, Olaf might know where the rest of him is.

 **Sora:** Yes, Goofy, he literally just told us that. *climbs the waterfall one last time*

 **Donald:** Can't Olaf tell us where to look?

 **Sora:** I despise all of you. *grabs one last chunk of snow* Hey, this is Olaf's body. I say with certainty this time which means we are done at last.

 **Donald:** It is!

 **Goofy:** Button and all.

 **Sora:** Goofy all of them had buttons, that's how we got confused.

 **Anna:** *finishes placing Olaf's head on his body* Good save, bud.

 **Noseless Olaf:** *checks himself out* Wow, I feel so much better. *feels his face* Wait, where's my cute new nose? The one Anna gave me which makes it infinitely more important to me!

 **Anna:** Don't worry about it, hot stuff. You guys didn't see a carrot anywhere, did you?

 **Sora:** I absolutely do not have twenty-eight of those hidden in my inventory and I am frankly offended that you would feel the need to ask.

 **Donald:** Yeah no you can't have any of ours.

 **Olaf:** Olaf sad.

 **Kristoff:** Sven, spit it out so we won't have to deal with any of this shirt anymore.

 **Sven:** *did not chew and swallow for some reason*

 **Kristoff:** *takes carrot out of Sven's mouth and shrugs at Anna*

 **Sven:** “Someone had to pick it up!”

 **Kristoff:** You're right, buddy. Thanks for finding it...and never actually eating it for some reason, you're weird.

 **Sven:** “Aww, you're welcome!”

 **Olaf:** *now has a carrot sticking out of his face* My nose, it's back! Oh, I love having a nose! I might even be able to smell with it, it's not a hundred percent clear!

 **Sora:** Is there anything you'd like to say to Olaf, Kristoff?

 **Kristoff:** Those weird new monsters did it! _Definitely_ wasn't me!

 **Goofy:** Not sure I believe you.

 **Kristoff:** I implore you to reconsider.

 **Goofy:** Hmm. Okay!

 **Donald:** Yaaaay, more Heartless. Great.

 **Sora:** Meh, this _is_ Critical Mode, I could use the experience.

 **Kristoff:** The “Heart-less”? Hmm. And I thought the wolves around here were bad.

 **Sora:** Don't wolves not really attack humans aside from cases of extreme hunger or unless they're provoked? Why would they attack anyone now, it's been barely a full day of winter.

 **Kristoff:** Rabies outbreak.

 **Sora:** Ah.

 **Anna:** Speaking of monsters, my finger points. Wow, that's freaky.

 **Heartless:** *appear where she's pointing*

 **Kristoff:** Welp, I ain't fighting that!

 **Olaf:** I _can't_ fight that! I don't have a skull. Or bones.

 **Sora:** S'okay, we got this. *gets battle-ready with Donald and Goofy* You four go on with the movie plot, we'll stay here and fight things.

 **Kristoff:** Fine by me. *leads Anna away*

 **Anna:** Okay, well why don't you explore around a bit while I go far away... *goes very far away*

 **Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *butcher everything in sight*

 **Sora:** *after they regroup* We better catch up, they can't fight for shirt I don't think.

 **Donald and Goofy:** They'd probably have been added to the party if they could, it's true.

 **Sora:** *goes back and saves first so he doesn't have to do the mini-game again*

~I feel like I'm the only one who liked _Olaf's Frozen Adventure_ ; everyone else I knew violently despised it while I was over in the corner listening to “When We're Together” on repeat.~


	24. Whose Idea Was It To Have MARSHMALLOW As A Party Member

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **I think the reason this is a lot of people's least favorite planet is more because of the wasted potential than Frozen fatigue, or that could just be me projecting, who knows:** _The Lord of the Rings, The Good Place,_ the former Super Best Friends Play channel, _JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, Firefly, Archer, Kung Pow: Enter the Fist,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Square Enix.

~Of all the missed opportunities in KHIII I think the one I'm most disappointed about is not being able to check out the interior of the Ice Palace. Oh and also Kairi being useful in the main game I guess.~

**Sora:** *starts to head up the mountain once a-forking-gain* Oooh, giant snowballs, interesting... *uses them to kill Heartless any chance he can as it's the best and most fun way to kill Heartless; also if they get big enough you can get a frost gem out of them when they finally break apart, it's the best and seemingly only way to get those*

**Donald:** *after Sora's run up another cliff face and somehow taken the other two with him* I'm concerned about Anna.

**Goofy:** Me too. We'd better skedaddle.

**Sora:** Have we just replaced Elsa with her or are we going after both now? *climbs steadily higher until he almost can't see ahead of himself with how hard the wind's blowing the snow around*

**Donald:** Brrr! I'm getting cold.

**Sora:** Just keep moving. You'll warm up!

**Goofy:** Gee, nothing ever dampens your spirits, does it, Sora?

**Sora:** Those snow clouds might. Nah, I'm just kidding, this shirt's growing on me real fast. *ducks and weaves his way up the rest of the mountain, Flowmotioning up a bunch of it and killing everything he sees* All right! I love snow!

**Donald:** So much for “islander” Sora. It's like people can adapt to things over time or something.

**Sora:** *climbs one last cliff and reaches the place where Olaf was impaled and grabs another Hidden Mickey* We're back! A dinosaur story!

**Donald:** That palace is incredible!

**Goofy:** Yeah. I wonder if Anna and the others made it there yet.

**Sora:** I somehow know that they have, yes. *goes into the tunnel that leads to the ice palace*

**Ice palace:** *exists*

**Elsa:** ...What?

**Anna:** You kind of set off an eternal winter...everywhere. We need all the help we can get.

**Elsa:** ...It's been less than twenty-four hours, how do we know it's eternal, are we still working off the original script where you go after me like months later?

**Anna:** Probably. I'm just going with it now. *doesn't notice it starting to snow* And it's okay, you can just unfreeze it. You know, Elsa, sometimes adversity can lead to growth. Whatever the moral dilemma is, maybe you'll come out on the other side better for it.

**Elsa:** No, I can't unfreeze anything, I...I don't know how.

**Anna:** Sure you can. I _know_ you can! I mean why not try? It's better than _not_ trying, right? I know it sounds crazy! But if it weren't crazy, they wouldn't call it a leap of faith! They would call it a...sit...of...doubting!

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** We interrupt this reprise so that the game won't have to include a third _Frozen_ song to bring you us running up to the Ice Palace and Sven why is your tongue stuck to the banister.

**Sven:** Shrug.

**Sora:** Anna and the others must be inside already. How did they get here so fast, I know for a fact that they walked most of the way and we were running as fast as we could, what gives.

**Anna:** Oof, why did I come up with this idea, this is gonna hurt _real_ bad. Fork it, I don't give a shirt, I'm gonna sing.  
 _We can face this thing together_  
 _We can change this winter weather_  
 _And everything will be all ri—_

**Elsa:**  
 _I CAN'T!_  
*lets out an icy blast all around her that just happens to be at chest level, hitting Anna in the heart*

**Anna:** ... _Wow_ that's cold...Ah, fork me...*sinks to her knees*

**Elsa:** *sees the damage she's done* ...No no no no, not again, this is exactly what I was afraid of...

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** Why are we still standing here.

**Sora:** _That's_ my chest. Boy that smarts.

**Donald:** The hell's up with you?

**Goofy:** This a you thing or a Roxas/Ven/that other person thing we wouldn't know the context of.

**Sora:** None of that, this is me being so insanely empathetic that I am literally feeling other people's physical pain. Whether it's Anna's frozen heart or Elsa's sadness and guilt isn't a hundred percent clear, though. Could be both, even.

**Ice palace doors:** *open*

**Marshmallow:** *exists*

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** ...Who gave Olaf steroids.

**Marshmallow:** *is holding Olaf, Anna, and Kristoff*

**Anna:** Do you have a second to eat my farts?

**Marshmallow:** *throws them down the stairs* Fork off!

**Anna and Kristoff:** *slide down the stairs right past Sora, Donald, and Goofy*

**Olaf:** Heads up! *head goes flying into a rock behind Kristoff and Anna* Watch out for my butt! *rest of body hits rock too*

**Anna:** *gets up angrily* Hey! *grabs some snow* We did not deserve to get thrown around like that! Look, I might not have been a _saint,_ but I – it's not like I _killed_ anybody. I wasn't an _arsonist,_ I never found a wallet outside of an IHOP and thought about returning it but saw the owner lived out of state so just took the cash and dropped the wallet back on the ground.

**Kristoff:** *prevents her from throwing snowballs* Okay that's really specific and that makes me think that you definitely did do that. Now please don't antagonize the giant ice monster.

**Anna:** Oh, so now _I'm_ supposed to be nice and make friends and treat everyone with mutual respect?

**Kristoff:** Yeah!

**Anna:** That's exactly what they want me to do, Kristoff, WAKE UP.

**Kristoff:** ...That-That's what everyone wants everyone to do.

**Anna:** Okay. Yeah. We're forked here, aren't we.

**Kristoff:** Yes. Yes we are. Glad you came to your senses—

**Anna:** *hurls a snowball at Marshmallow* Go fork yourself, you mean giraffe!

**Marshmallow:** *watches the snowball hit them in the shoulder, then roars and grows more deadly glowing icicles*

**Kristoff:** Welp, good thing I'm wearing my brown pants.

**Olaf:** I'll be the distraction, you guys run!

**Kristoff, Anna, Sven who apparently got free somehow, and Olaf's other body parts aside from his head:** *collectively fork off*

**Olaf:** *at his body* No, no, not you guys! *head falls face first into the snow* This just got a whole lot harder.

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *jump in front of him*

**Sora:** All of that delivery was much funnier and better in the actual movie. Also we'll fight them I guess. *watches Marshmallow advance on them* Why aren't I summoning my Keyblade. _Why aren't I summoning my Keyblade._

**Marshmallow:** *roars at them*

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** WHY ARE WE RUNNING AWAY, WE HAVE FACED WAY SCARIER SHIRT THAN THEM IN _THIS_ GAME, WHAT THE FORK.

**Olaf:** *watches Marshmallow chase Sora, Donald, and Goofy away*

**Olaf's body:** *returns to him, all mismatched to shirt*

**Olaf:** *puts himself back together* Wait for me! *runs after everyone*

**Sora and Donald:** *are still running away from Marshmallow*

**Sora:** ...Did we lose Goofy?

**Goofy:** *over by a bent-over tree* Don't ask me I got over here, just get over here!

**Donald:** How do I not know what he's planning.

**Sora:** Donald confirmed for new dumbest one, even _I_ got it. Way to go, idiot. You thought I was the idiot but you were the real idiot. *changes course*

**Donald:** Oh fork _all_ of you.

**Goofy:** *sees both Sora and Marshmallow coming at him, rubs his hands together, and fishes the top of the tree out of the snow*

**Sora:** *grabs Goofy before he can be sent flying*

**Marshmallow:** *is now within their line of fire despite coming from _behind_ them earlier*

**Sora:** Well this'll work out nicely. GOOFY, NOW!

**Goofy:** *lets go*

**Tree:** *slams into Marshmallow, sending them flat on their back*

**Sora and Goofy:** FORK YEAH WE'RE AWESOME! *high-five and do sick Jojo victory poses*

**Donald:** Hey maybe wait till your opponent's confirmed dead next time.

**Marshmallow:** Grr. Arg.

**Sora:** Oh sure, _now_ we get to fight. *summons Keyblade and beats Marshmallow up a whole bunch while occasionally using Goofy to smack them in the face with a tree again until their health bar is depleted* Ooooh, Blizzara, shiny.

**Marshmallow:** *roars, still not dead because what even is Elsa's magic*

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *back up slowly*

**Goofy:** _That's_ a cliff. Wait why am I worried, there's no fall damage in this universe.

**Marshmallow:** *appears to think about something*

**Sora:** ...Please don't tell me they want to join the party, only Hans would be a worse option at this point.

**Marshmallow:** *takes offense to this and punches the ground*

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** Oh dear. *fall to their deaths as the ground crumbles beneath them except of forking course they're fine even without the snow it would've been fine*

**Sora:** *laying face-up in the snow with the other two* I let Haley Joel Osment's real voice slip in a little bit here, just call me Vanitas now I guess. Also that was fun, let's do it again.

**Donald:** *gets up* Ooh, better idea, how 'bout you go fork yourself.

**Goofy:** *stands up and brushes off some snow* I like Sora's idea better.

**Sora:** *sits up* Goofy I was joking.

**Goofy:** Oh.

**Sora:** *stands* So I know _we're_ immune to fall damage, but is anyone on this planet, is the question.

**Goofy:** I don't even think they fell off the cliff in this version, considering we distracted Marshmallow for them.

**Donald:** They're probably with the rock trolls right now, which means they'll be heading back to the palace pretty soon.

**Sora:** The ice palace or the Arendelle palace?

**Donald:** It's not a hundred percent clear.

**Sora:** Well which one will Elsa be in at this point, we still need to force ourselves into her business like we do with every Disney character we come across.

**Goofy:** Yep! It's never caused trouble before so why should it now?

**Sora:** This is the third forking time we've climbed this mountain, hope we can actually stick around this time. That big snowperson wasn't too friendly, were they?

**Donald:** Yeah, I like Olaf better.

**Goofy:** But they sure do seem to have some kinda connection to Elsa.

**Sora:** ...That last cutscene implied that we were going back _up_ to the ice palace, so why are we going way forking down?

**Goofy:** Maybe we gotta get to a place we recognize and know we can climb?

**Sora:** Sure but I can run up walls so what gives.

**Donald:** Some planets are still more like hallways than others so we really have no choice but to follow the path laid out for us.

**Sora:** S'pose you're right. *keeps heading all the way down the mountain until he sees Hans carrying an unconscious Elsa over his shoulder* ...Oh hey, the villain, great. Considering I didn't see the twist coming when I first saw the movie, this makes things much easier.

**Elsa:** I'm unconscious!

**Hans:** I could've sworn I came here with other people...

**Goofy:** Honestly, he _could_ be taking her back to Arendelle to try and melt things, but she hurt herself due to her inability to control her powers. In fact I'm pretty sure that's exactly what happened; he's not gonna reveal himself until _she_ reveals that she can't melt stuff, right?

**Sora:** Granted. You bring up a good point, Goofy. Let's give him the benefit of the doubt—

**Donald:** Or we could not do that considering he's got literal evil swirling around him.

**Goofy:** ...Well shirt.

**Sora:** I mean at least he's walking slowly due to the weight he's carrying. We should be able to catch up with him instantaneously wait where'd he go, fork.

**Donald:** ...You guys hear about the “Get the fiancé out of the way/And the whole thing will be fixed” theory that implied that Hans was a decent guy who truly loved Anna until the trolls forked with him so she'd marry Kristoff instead?

**Goofy:** I have and I don't know how much I buy into it. Sometimes ashholes are just ashholes and people shouldn't make excuses for them.

**Donald:** Fair enough.

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *head further down until they reach near to the point where they first arrived on this planet* RUNNING! And stopping.

**Giant blockade of fallen trees, rocks, and snow:** *exists, and is instantly destroyed by Marshmallow*

**Marshmallow:** *snarls and stomps right past Sora, Donald, and Goofy*

**Sora:** Oh great, repeated boss fights, how lovely. *runs in front of him with Donald and Goofy, weapons at the ready* Hey! The fork was up with Elsa so desperate to protect Anna that she created you for the purpose of _throwing her off a cliff,_ 'cause I never understood that part.

**Marshmallow:** *stomps right by them again*

**Sora:** ...Well that went better than expected.

**Marshmallow:** Elsaaa! *has a sad*

**Sora:** Well we misjudged the fork out of you, now didn't we. *starts running alongside them to catch up* I do _not_ remember you helping out during the finale. Is that what you're attempting to do?

**Marshmallow:** *stops and growls at them some more*

**Sora:** Easy, easy...the sun's getting real low...

**Marshmallow:** *is immediately docile* Elsa.

**Donald:** I mean, Elsa created Olaf to be a reminder of a happy childhood shared together with her sister, which is why he's so childlike and innocent and annoying because children are the forking worst, trust me I know.

**Goofy:** But this one was created specifically to protect Elsa. It's their only purpose in life.

**Sora:** ...Fine, they can join the party.

**Donald:** Why couldn't we have Elsa.

**Sora:** Because we aren't allowed nice things. *to Marshmallow* Do you accept our grudging invitation or not.

**Marshmallow:** Shrug.

**Sora:** Good enough.

**Donald:** I get that we have to team up with at least one person in every world, and on paper this one wouldn't be so bad... _if a powerful woman with ice magic didn't also exist on this planet._

**Goofy:** *aside to Donald* Shut up, it's supposed to be a commentary on how Sora can befriend anyone he wants to even though we've established that he agrees with you. Also maybe a later KH title _will_ cover the sequel or something.

**Donald:** The hell makes you think we'll be around for that?!

**Sora:** Yo, we gonna finish this planet or what?

**Donald and Goofy:** Coming!

**Sora:** Phrasing. Also about that barrier Marshmallow just broke through, how did Hans get past it and did he even go that way.

**Donald:** Well—

**Sora:** Shut up! I'm having a rhetorical conversation! *kills a bunch of shirt before heading down the new path, hitting up the save point, and heading into a new area*

**Kristoff:** WOULD YOU PUT ME THE FORK DOWN, YOU DUMB FORKING REINDEER.

**Sora:** Oh good, we caught up with Kristoff. Marshmallow, hang back, I don't want you giving him a heart attack. *runs off with Donald and Goofy*

**Kristoff:** *untangles himself from Sven's antlers* How did you avoid my dick. No, for real, I'm impressed.

**Sven:** *huffs at him*

**Kristoff:** *gets up* Also Anna's with her real boyfriend now, she doesn't need us, there's no real point in us staying with her.

**Sora:** WE'RE NEEDLESSLY INSERTING OURSELVES INTO THE PLOT!

**Kristoff:** Huh, you three're still alive, how 'bout that.

**Sora:** So are you! Thank Merlin!

**Kristoff:** I don't think I know who that is.

**Sora:** Wait...Where's Anna? And also Olaf I guess but not really who cares.

**Kristoff:** Anna went home, and Olaf kind of just slid away into the kingdom and I kind of just left him there.

**Sora:** Okay, which important chunk of the movie did we miss this time?

**Sven:** …

**Kristoff:** ...So Elsa did the thing she'd been afraid of this whole time and accidentally attacked Anna. In the heart. If she's not healed soon, she'll die. And only an act of true love can thaw a frozen heart, which is the theme of this whole movie. So I took her back to Arendelle so she could make out with her boyfriend and that should magically cure her.

**Sora:** ...Okay but if she needed an act of true love, why did she separate herself from you?

**Kristoff:** The hell're you implying.

**Sora:** Oh, fork, uh...damn, I gotta stop shipping real people...

**Kristoff:** Yeah no, I just keep her from getting lost. It's not like I _like_ her or anything, b-b-b-baka!

**Donald:** Called it!

**Goofy:** Hopefully it's not because of the pigtails, that fetish always weirded the fork out of me.

**Donald:** Hey, Kristoff can enjoy the pigtails all he wants, no one's gonna take that away from him—

**Goofy:** Cops can.

**Donald:** If they were worth a damn, sure.

**Goofy:** Good point.

**Sora:** I just realized, we got royalty in love with royalty for once, that's rare.

**Goofy:** You mean apart from the fact that it totally happened in Corona and it's just that no one knows about that yet?

**Donald:** I am still somehow convinced that me and Daisy's relationship is completely healthy. It's like someone trying to defend Koichi and Yukako or something. Which I have heard that attempt and it...depends on the headcanon, honestly.

**Kristoff:** Can this conversation end now? Please?

**Strong gust of wind:** *obliges*

**Kristoff:** Not what I had in mind but I'll take it.

**Arendelle:** *has a visible blizzard blossoming out of it*

**Kristoff:** Anna. *runs for the village, Sven hot on his heels*

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** LET'S JUST STAND HERE AND DO NOTHING!

**Marshmallow:** *joins them and points at the village* My finger points.

**Sora:** You saying we should go after them since another ice-related weather event was probably caused by someone with ice powers?

**Marshmallow:** *roars*

**Sora:** I'll take that as a maybe. But Kristoff said that Anna was down there too, so...yeah, let's go I guess. *runs forward, Donald, Goofy, and Marshmallow following behind him* Storm's getting worse.

**Donald:** I'm freezing!

**Goofy:** Yeah, and the wind's just making it colder.

**Sora:** Hang on, gimme a second, I need to put points into my balls. *hides behind one of the many convenient boulders and wolfs down a full meal of Ratatouille+, Carrot Potage+, Sea Bass en Papilote+, Beef Bourguignon+, and Fresh Fruit Compate+* Thirty-five minutes, huh? Should be able to take out the boss of this planet and maybe do some grinding after.

**Goofy:** We should go while the storm's slowed down.

**Sora:** Okay. *heads for the next boulder while the wind's blowing slower*

**Donald:** We got to get out of this storm!

**Sora:** Working on it!

**Goofy:** We gotta wait for a break in the storm!

**Donald:** Yeah, it's too strong!

**Sora:** Which is why I'm hiding behind boulders, you morons!

**Donald:** The snowstorm can't get us here.

**Sora:** That is the general idea, yes.

**Goofy:** There must be some place we can use as shelter.

**Sora:** Oh I am not gonna be able to get the Hidden Mickey until we come back, am I.

**Goofy:** I say we rest here for a bit.

**Sora:** Damn it, I know I can get the treasure chest at least...Phew, that one was actually pretty easy.

**Marshmallow:** *had gone on ahead and only started walking forward once Sora, Donald, and Goofy were safely behind them*

**Goofy:** *as the wind whips around them* Look! They're protectin' us from the storm!

**Donald:** We can make it!

**Sora:** Okay, everyone! The storm's died down except not really, only enough to not blow us away anymore. I want a jacket _so forking badly,_ or at least some proper gloves, fork's sake...

**Clouds surrounding Arendelle:** *get bigger*

**Goofy:** Gawrsh, I hope the royal family and no one else is okay.

**Sora:** Okay, let's forking go! *leads the way down to the frozen sea*

**Anna:** *is making her way across said frozen sea, her hair completely silver as she slowly freezes from the inside*

**Kristoff:** *got a good head start on Sora, Donald, and Goofy, so he's already there*

**Anna:** Kristoff...I've only said I love you to two men my entire life: Stone Cold Steve Austin, and a guy in a dark club who I mistook for Stone Cold Steve Austin. Oh and Hans I guess maybe. Now...Kristoff...

**Kristoff:** *sees her* Anna! *runs toward her*

**Anna:** *starts stumbling toward him*

**Kristoff:** *is sprinting toward her and could honestly make it if the editing wanted him to*

**Anna:** *sees Hans about to murder Elsa and looks back to Kristoff* Motherforker! *runs toward her sister*

**Kristoff:** *stops running* Wait why would I stop running.

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *start running across the ice*

**Sora:** How are we not falling.

**Elsa:** I have a big sad.

**Hans:** Holy shirt they _did_ completely model me into the game, that's just wacky. *is about to bring his sword down on Elsa*

**Anna:** *leaps in front of him and holds up her hand* Well fork you too!

**Hans:** Bench I ain't about to stop!

**Anna:** *turns to ice just as the sword hits her*

**Sword:** *breaks*

**Hans:** *gets blown backward by the force of his sword breaking* How the _fork_ is forking _ice_ meant to be stronger than _steel._

**Anna:** *lets out one last breath*

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** ...Well balls. *glances at Hans*

**Hans:** *start emitting darkness*

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** ...Huh.

**Darkness:** *spreads its tendrils across the lake and ensnares Sora, Donald, and Goofy who all sink into the abyss*

**Sora:** ...How am I not dead.

**Giant ball of bright purple darkness:** *bursts apart, slowly revealing a giant wolf boss Heartless named Sköll which howls at them, does a sick black flip, and begins to float*

**Donald:** Why am I concerned whether or not killing this thing'll help Anna, it's a giant boss Heartless, we should kill it anyway.

**Sora:** I NOW HAVE A NEW FAVORITE HEARTLESS.

**Goofy:** You had an _old_ favorite Heartless?

**Sora:** Neoshadows.

**Goofy:** Oh yeah, those are pretty cool.

**Donald:** Oh hey, Marshmallow's here. Shiny.

**Sora:** *glances up* Are we under the ice, that's awesome. Does this count as an underwater battle and if it does then how are we breathing. *starts wailing on Sköll while also cooing about what an adorable puppy it is*

**Sköll:** *summons a bunch of smaller floating wolf heads that swim out and attack the party*

**Sora:** *realizes something he'd meant to do back at the last Moogle* SHIRT I FORGOT TO BUY ANOTHER KUPO COIN. I don't even know when I used my last one...Welp, hopefully the Second Chance ability I recently got at level 42 will even it out somewhat...

**Sköll:** *howls at the...surface?...and leaps high into the air, circling around until it summons a massive glowing ball of bright purple darkness that rains down darkness and more wolf heads and looks more like Meteor than Donald's paltry finisher*

**Sora:** Well this isn't great. *has to build up a finisher within forty seconds so he can use Subzero Impact*

**Marshmallow:** *grabs the giant glowing ball of bright purple darkness and holds it above their head*

**Sora:** You got this! *jumps up and starts spinning his Keyblade really fast, lighting it up and pushing as hard as he can* Come on...!

**Giant glowing ball of bright purple darkness:** *breaks apart from the inside and explodes into light, sending Sköll crashing down to the bottom of the fjord where it makes an easy target for a while*

**Sköll:** *repeats this pattern until it eventually summons the giant glowing ball of bright purple darkness again*

**Sora:** All right, time to use Subzero Impact once more—

**Donald:** METEOR!

**Sora:** FORK I JUST HIT TRIANGLE. *has to wait an agonizing amount of time for the Meteor animation to play out as the seconds he would be allowed to use the move he actually wanted which would save them all quickly slip away* YOU COULDN'T HAVE PICKED A DIFFERENT TIME?! _ANY_ DIFFERENT TIME?! *mashes triangle again and activates Subzero Impact once more, depleting Sköll's health bar once it hits the bottom again* Forking seven seconds to spare, that nearly gave me a heart attack...Oooh, Superslide, neat.

**Sköll:** *jumps up and forms another giant glowing purple ball of darkness that shines brighter than the previous two and explodes overhead*

**Marshmallow:** *jumps in front of Sora, Donald, and Goofy and blocks them for the blast, getting blow backward with the other three*

**Sora:** *wakes up, back on the ice with Donald and Goofy, who all get up together* Well that was weird. *sees Elsa crying over Anna, with Kristoff, Sven, and Olaf awkwardly watching* Oh yeah, that was happening...Has that been happening this _whole time!?_

**Camera:** *zooms in on Anna's chest as the ice starts to melt, heart first*

**Olaf:** Wh...Yay!

**Sven:** *gets Kristoff's attention*

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** BOY does this make more narrative sense than Rapunzel's tears bringing back the dead for no reason! Another example of decent excuses to like this film more than that one, and frankly a valid reason to not like the sequel that much as the ending is even more consequence-free!

**Anna:** ... _Holy motherforking shirtballs._ Oh is my cloak completely unfrozen too, that's nice.

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** Yay, no one died! Again! *run forward but they're suddenly surrounded by a circle of darnkess, again*

**DIO:** _THE WORLD!_

**Time:** *stops*

**Sora:** Okay since when, is this some Star Platinum bullshirt or what.

**Larxene:** *Apparates in* Yeah apparently I also know Stopza now, no big deal. Also they're both Princesses of Heart, who knew.

**Sora:** Literally everyone?

**Larxene:** Yeah, fair.

**Sora:** First Marluxia, now you. What is this all about?

**Larxene:** Dude, if you already met Marluxia, I'm not gonna waste my time explaining what you should already be caught up on.

**Sora:** Yes but you see, I am quite stupid.

**Larxene:** Good point. So there are seven – technically six – new Princesses of Heart, right? Which means that if you people don't get your acts together and gather all seven warriors of light, or try to skip out on the battle altogether, we'll just kidnap these new women and fight them instead.

**Sora:** Elsa could probably take you.

**Larxene:** True, but Anna and Rapunzel couldn't, not unless Rapunzel's Tangled Adventure already started and Rapunzel got her hair back. Also I still like my theory that that one toddler also qualifies; if _Alice_ of all people does than why _not_ Boo. So I'd get cracking on finding the people we're _supposed_ to fight if you don't want us murdering toddlers, 'cause we'll forking do it.

**Sora:** Likewise; Mickey says you're still missing a person. So stop trying to rush us when _you_ haven't even caught up yet.

**Larxene:** Oh no, we're set.

**Sora:** ...Well shirt.

**Larxene:** *summons a Dark Corridor behind her and sashays _backward_ into it like a forking boss and disappears*

**Sora:** They have all thirteen and we barely have five. This, uh, this forking sucks. I...talked a big game with regard to Elsa, I don't think either of the sisters have what it takes go go up against what we routinely have to on an hourly basis. If they did, _they would have been in our party._

**Anna:** ...So I'm thinking bagel bites.

**Elsa:** HOLY FORK YOU'RE ALIVE! *pulls her into a hug*

**Sora:** This should be heartwarming but I'm just overcome with anxiety.

**Goofy:** Oh get over it.

**Donald:** Yeah, we already have.

**Sora:** Thanks for literally nothing, you useless shirtheels.

**Elsa:** Anna.

**Anna:** Yeah! How d'you like _them_ ethics? I just ethics-ed you in the _face,_ Elsa!

**Elsa:** *pulls away* You sacrificed yourself for me?

**Anna:** You've been doing the same for me for literal years, I realize that now. I love you. And you don't need to apologize for making a huge sacrifice to save your family. You never did.

**Olaf:** *is so surprised his head momentarily pops off* An act of true love will thaw a frozen heart! I always thought that shirt was metaphorical but they made it literal!

**Elsa:** *thinking* Love will thaw. Love...

**Anna:** Oh cool, more philosophy, that'll help us!

**Elsa:** Of course...love!

**Anna:** *watching winter start to fade away* ...I've rarely been out of the castle, I probably don't know how to swim. The things that are happening here are _way_ above my pay grade.

**Sven:** *tries to eat one last snowflake*

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** Good for you for conveniently figuring out what Grand Pabbi should've spelled out over a decade ago!

**Sunken ship:** *conveniently rises as the ice melts so all the main characters have something to stand on*

**Clouds:** *part and vanish as the ice magic floats up into the sky and fades away*

**Elsa:** *gathers up the remaining particle effects into the shape of a giant snowflake in the sky and disperses it*

**Olaf:** Yay I'm somehow not dead!

**Anna:** I don't normally cry at movies. *sniffs* But that one was pretty good!

**Elsa:** Thanks, I think I spontaneously have perfect control now!

**Everyone:** *is chilling (ha) on deck*

**Castle:** *is a castle*

**Arendelle title card:** ...Yep, that was pretty much it.

**Crystal Snow Keyblade:** If not for Ultima, Oathkeeper, and Oblivion, you would have used me for the entire rest of the game like you did on your first run.

**ShieldEcho:** It's true, I would've; that is a sniper shot through my aesthetic.

~I like how supplementary shirt suggests that Elsa selectively spared her palace and Marshmallow.~


	25. We Could Literally End The Game Right Now But No One Will Let Us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **A day may come when I remember to actually post a chapter on a Tuesday like I'm supposed to, but it is not this day:** _The Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter,_ the former Super Best Friends Play channel, _Archer, The Good Place,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Square Enix.

~FUCK IT FEELS NICE TO SWEAR AGAIN WHY DO I IMPOSE THIS SHIT ON MYSELF.~

**Mickey:** …

**Riku:** …

**Noiti Sopxe:** …

**Mickey:** …

**Riku:** …

**Noiti Sopxe:** …

**Mickey:** …

**Riku:** …

**Noiti Sopxe:** …

**Mickey:** …

**Riku:** …

**Noiti Sopxe:** …

**Mickey:** …

**Riku:** …

**Noiti Sopxe:** …

**Leon:** Ellipsis.

**Mickey:** …

**Riku:** ...So—

**Door:** *opens*

**Riku:** OH THANK MERLIN!

**Sora:** *walks in with Donald and Goofy* Hey so were we supposed to come here or something?

**Mickey:** Yeah I know we all have smartphones now but we gotta get better at communicating.

**Sora:** I suppose this quick fade out indicates a passage of time, so I honestly don't know why I didn't start with Larxene's claim that the bad guys got all thirteen on their side ready to go.

**Mickey:** Okay but that's Larxene talking. I heard Lea rant about her, about how she was a legit traitor to the Organization and lied through her teeth about you and Naminé all the time; I say we take anything and everything she says with a grain of salt.

**Sora:** I'm gonna ignore that and bring up something else I honestly find way more interesting. Exactly how can there be more Princesses of Heart, and do Mulan and Meg count since one's marketed as a Disney princess and one's based on a mythological princess.

**Noiti Sopxe:** Yeah, once the old princesses did their job of opening Hollow Bastion's keyhole and holding the darkness at bay until you saved the universe, they were done with all this shit and somehow managed to transfer their weird bullshit onto other people, of which only three new ones are confirmed which means all of the sequel fodder for this franchise. And I just realized Vanellope's probably another one, I keep forgetting that the mobile game covered that movie on account of I don't care.

**Sora:** I WANT MERIDA TO BE ONE SO FUCKING BADLY WE ALREADY GOT PIXAR SHIT LET'S FUCKING GO.

**Noiti Sopxe:** No this is a bad thing because Organization XIII knows who they are maybe. I know _they_ want to call them the “New Seven Hearts” or whatever but I'm old and I don't like change so I'm just gonna keep calling them Princesses of Heart, fuck you, fight me.

**Sora:** *slips into his Thinking Pose™* But Kairi hasn't passed on her power. 'Sup with that shit?

**Mickey:** I mean, like we said, the other six were fucking _done._ But Kairi, possibly because she got sick of being left behind by _you two_ jerkoffs, wanted to keep fighting the good fight to the point where she has a fucking Keyblade now.

**Sora:** Good point.

**Donald:** So anyone got a lead on Terra 'cause we've got fuck-all.

**Goofy:** Found Ventus, though. I mean, another bad guy told us where he was, but we've actually got reason to believe Vanitas over Larxene, and not just because he's got a penis. Anyway, Sora's Ven's Horcrux. Who could've seen that coming?

**Jiminy:** *peeking over Sora's shoulder* Literally everyone?

**Sora:** Damn it, I was riding high and then I remembered you existed.

**Jiminy:** But Ienzo said that Ansem the Wise mentioned more than just Roxas's heart inside Sora's, so Vanitas's claim has actual evidence to back it up. Always get evidence, kids.

**Donald and Goofy:** Agreed!

**Sora:** Yes, because having evidence _definitely_ means that people will then instantly pivot and believe you from then on out.

**Donald, Goofy, and Jiminy:** Exactly!

**Sora:** All of you are so fucking naïve...

**Mickey:** Who cares, we can finally wake Ven now!

**Riku:** No we can't, only Aqua can find him, remember? First her, then Ven, that's how this works.

**Ventus's heart:** *beats within Sora's*

**Sora:** If you put me in a situation where I have to do the thing, _I might be able to do the thing._

**Donald and Goofy:** Gasp!

**Mickey:** Yeah but _will_ you, though.

**Noiti Sopxe:** No he won't because he can't because I say so because fuck you.

**Sora:** You _know_ I'm right! And you're not even gonna admit you were wrong when I just go for it and make everything work, are you? I have to go through two entire extra Disney planets for basically no reason because you are _so_ in the wrong right now.

**Noiti Sopxe:** No I am not, I am always right and my advice is always perfect. You do not have the ability to do the thing and therefore you will not be allowed to attempt to do the thing.

**Sora:** I don't know why I'm continuing to listen to you, but I promise you that once this is over, I am never going to listen to anything you say ever again. Your constant stone-walling has wasted an unbelievable amount of time; I've basically lost all faith in you.

**Riku:** *chuckles*

**Sora:** The fuck're you laughing at!?

**Riku:** The notion that you had any faith in him to begin with. Remember how this is the asshat whose decision it was to have us do a bullshit time travel quest for our Mark of Mastery exams, thus ensuring the Organization's interference making you fail, and also how we _totally_ needed to lose all of our powers just for the sake of learning Flowmotion?

**Sora:** Yeah why _do_ we blindly trust old cis white men with beards?

**Riku:** 'Cause they wear cool robes. Which is basically the only reason I'm siding with him on this one.

**Sora:** What if I said I was pretty sure that that was Ven speaking through me and that he probably knows what he's doing?

**Riku:** Oh there's no way any of us would believe _that._ Not without a voice change, anyway...

**Donald and Goofy:** He's right, there isn't. *snicker at the thought*

**Mickey:** AH HA HA HA HA HA HA!

**Sora:** All of you can go straight to hell.

**Riku:** Sora, assuming you're the one who actually volunteered, I know you would've done it because you're worried about me and Mickey. But I'm a massive fan favorite, and Squeenix isn't gonna kill off the literal symbol of the most powerful and terrifying corporation in the universe.

**Sora:** I know, it's just...

**Riku:** *puts his hand on Sora's arm* Look, I appreciate you wanting to help out and end the game already, not because you don't like it/aren't having fun, but because you're desperate to see what happened to everyone. You want Aqua, Ventus, Roxas, and...those are literally it – you want them all to be safe and happy. And also Terra if we have any spare time left over. But Big Hero 6 was the second new property announced for this game, after Tangled, and that's the _last_ Disney planet you'll be going to. Not to mention that it's technically the first Marvel property in a Kingdom Hearts game. Plus Japan apparently _really_ likes the Pirates movies. You're not going to let all of Squeenix's hard work over the past five plus years go to waste, are you?

**Mickey:** ...The hell's the camera focusing on me for.

**Sora:** ...I do want to play Black Flag and either of the Spider-Man games again...Okay, fine, as long as it's just those two planets left, and nothing too important happens without me.

**Riku:** I'll call you if I need you. I promise.

**Jiminy:** *hops onto Donald's head so they and Goofy can have a private conversation*

**Donald:** We're still going to have to prevent him from doing anything stupid, aren't we.

**Jiminy:** Probably.

**Goofy:** If only he listened to the rest of us the way he listens to his boyfriend. That would be a good start.

**Sora:** You're aware that this “private conversation” is perfectly audible to everyone in this room, right? *is standing over them with his arms crossed*

**Everyone:** *points and laughs at him some more*

**Noiti Sopxe:** Okay, you three visit two more planets and also you two go back to I guess hell to keep looking for Aqua.

**Everyone:** Whatever.

~That may have seemed repetitive but so are the scenes themselves and there's only so much I can do.~

**Giant group of pillars in the Keyblade Graveyard:** *exists*

**Marluxia:** *on one of them* Okay cool but why are you here?

**Larxene:** *on the one next to his* Quick question: Do either of us remember our Somebodies from back in UX?

**Marluxia:** It's implied that you might but I probably don't.

**Larxene:** Oh well. We still did the CoM shit together so I figured why not apparently.

**Marluxia:** That's as good as any other reason I guess.

**Larxene:** I'm just surprised Oldguy McBaldface deigned to let us back in after our massive betrayal/failure.

**Marluxia:** He doesn't care about any of that; he just wants to possess us so he can technically fight every fight in the final battle by himself. Apparently that was Xemnas's plan way back when as well, he was just less honest with us.

**Larxene:** ...So an old man is looking to use someone like _me_ to contain a life that is not my own, regardless of my feelings on the matter, and thinks I'm useless otherwise? Yeeeeaaaah I'm out. Wanna bail with me?

**Demyx's voice:** Yeah good like with that. Honestly, I think _I_ might have a better shot than you. *was standing on Larxene's other side holding his sitar for who even knows how long* Also I've been Norted as well. Another reason why it'd be difficult for any of us to leave.

**Larxene:** HOLY FUCK YOU'RE IN THIS GAME TOO. FUCKING HOW.

**Demyx:** It's not a hundred percent clear. There's an old theory that I'm actually the Master of Masters but I think that's been debunked at this point. Maybe. Who the fuck knows.

**Larxene:** Jesus Christ, at least me and Marluxia's inclusions make a semblance of sense! The fuck're _you_ supposed to bring to the table!? You're like a stupid cat. Except you smell worse.

**Demyx:** ...Okay first of all, fuck you, second, I was most people's That One Boss back in KHII. I can bring the pain when I want to. I'm just a lazy sack of shit, which might be the persona I've cultivated to mask my anxiety.

**Larxene:** And is “anxiety” the reason I haven't seen you on any other planet?

**Demyx:** Not really. I've been made into a spare, actually.

**Larxene:** A what now?

**Marluxia:** Vexen's back on our side. I don't think Saïx even tried very hard. I think they're gonna try the clone shit again.

**Larxene:** Oh yeah, 'cause that worked _so_ well last time.

**Demyx:** Actually it did. You'd already...died? I guess? But there was a replica that...stole my spot for the final battle. Is totally what I meant to say.

**Larxene:** *cackles* Figures a useless clone would replace your even more useless ass! Seriously, how many times have you fucked up in everything you try to do ever?

**Demyx:** *tunes his sitar* That only happened a couple of thousands of times...

**Marluxia:** Okay, Repliku was a bit shit, granted, but the Replica Program's come a long way since we were...yeah, killed, I guess. But apparently there was another clone crafted from Sora's memories that was advanced enough that she was on our side for a while. I think. Everyone's being super vague about it.

**Demyx:** That's probably because it didn't happen. I'd remember another female member, we weren't exactly bursting at the seams with them.

**Larxene:** Don't remind me.

**Marluxia:** Well apparently it did happen, and Vexen's trying to make this next batch of clones so lifelike that all of those deep philosophical questions about being and self-actualization and identity from Days and KHII will just be thrown right out the fucking window and no one'll ever doubt their personhood again I guess.

**Larxene:** ...You sure you're not a member of the thirteen anymore?

**Demyx:** Positive, why?

**Larxene:** …'Cause I told Sora we had everyone we needed. Which would be true if you were still on the team.

**Xemnas:** *enters through a Dark Corridor all the way across from them* As powerful as Demyx can be, we wanted someone a little more...reliable. He'll resume his place if it turns out that we can't get the one we actually want. But for now, giving the enemy misinformation really isn't the worst thing, intentional or not.

**Larxene:** 'Sup, douchebag.

**Xemnas:** Always a pleasure, bitch tits. Anyway, if they think we're all set to go, they'll think they won't have enough time to get ready and this will show up under-prepared, which'll mean way faster fights for all of us.

**Demyx:** Oh, I'll definitely be willing to take my spot back were that the case. I _really_ don't like uncertain odds.

**Larxene:** How the actual fuck did this dickwad have the fortitude to even become a Nobody, much less get accepted into either version of the Organization!?

**Demyx:** Boy have I missed your hospitality.

**Xemnas:** WHO WANTS A RECAP OF THE ORIGINAL ORGANIZATION'S REQUIREMENT!

**Marluxia, Larxene, and Demyx:** LITERALLY NO ONE!

**Xemnas:** Nah, you're gonna want to hear this. So obviously the first eight members were all from Radiant Garden, or were at least living there at the time, right?

**Marluxia, Larxene, and Demyx:** Uh-huh.

**Xemnas:** And obviously Roxas and...Roxas is Roxas, right?

**Marluxia, Larxene, and Demyx:** Uh-huh.

**Xemnas:** So where the fuck did you last four come from? Why were _you_ chosen?

**Larxene:** 'Cause we're hot? Well, me and Marluxia, anyway, still don't know what this guy's doing here.

**Xemnas:** Yeah no. Well, yes, that does help the ship wars/porn artist material, but that's just a nice bonus.

**Luxord:** Hey I'm here too, what's up. *Apparates in*

**Larxene:** Oh for fuck's sake. Why are _you_ here? You know you're so forgettable that even Axel doesn't have you memorized, right? At least people remember that fuck-off Dance Water Dance bullshit.

**Luxord:** Then how come I'm still on the team, will end up actually be slightly memorable come next planet, and am probably going to have a hell of a part to play in future games, eh?

**Demyx:** Because people only have enough patience for one shitty gimmick boss fight come the final battle?

**Luxord:** Card puns!

**Demyx:** I'll take that as a yes.

**Larxene:** Okay seriously, why did Xigbar tell us about the box if it was never gonna actually lead to anything in this game, is it just to increase speculation on a future KH sequel, is that why I'm mentioning it now?

**Luxord:** Probably. So what were you talking about, Xemnas? *pulls out a bunch of cards for no reason* I apologize for interrupting you, by the way.

**Xemnas:** Apology accepted. So most people who bothered to keep up at least with Everglow or some other YouTuber if not UX itself will know about Lauriam and Elrena's involvement in the mobile game, but apparently your two Somebodies'll be making an appearance eventually as well, how 'bout that?

**Demyx:** Reaction shot!

**Luxord:** Reaction shot!

**Larxene:** Reaction shot!

**Marluxia:** ...Elaborate.

**Xemnas:** I can't, the story's still not done yet, I still have no idea what's going on.

~It is insane to me that such a lore-significant plotline is trapped on mobile; I _quit_ that shit because I was sick of it being on mobile.~

**Sora:** *zips the Gummi Ship right around to go back to Arendelle and lands in front of the ice palace where everyone is conveniently gathered*

**Sora:** Marshmallow! You're alive! Do you want to come along?

**Marshmallow:** Grunt.

**Sora:** I'll take that as a yes. Unless Elsa might want to...?

**Elsa:** I mean I suppose I could be protecting my kingdom from all these monsters but since none of them are attacking the castle or the village itself I don't really care.

**Sora:** Damn.

**Goofy:** Can we slide down the mountain again, Sora?

**Sora:** In a minute, I want all of the pictures.

**Olaf:** Hi! I'm Olaf, and I like warm hugs.

**Sora:** Yes I know who you are. 'S kinda cool that a detail so important to the lore and what makes you a pretty tolerable character was totally improvised, though.

**Olaf:** Is that for me?

**Sora:** It is not. *takes picture* Yay Moogle requirement complete.

**Kristoff:** Um, okay?

**Sora:** Yeah just hold still for a minute, would you?

**Kristoff:** What is that thing.

**Sora:** Don't worry about it. *tries to take Anna's picture next*

**Anna:** Oooh, is that some sort of spyglass? That is...technically an idea.

**Sora:** Isn't it neat? *takes picture*

**Anna:** Go away from me.

**Sora:** Okay! *focuses on Elsa in front of the stairs*

**Elsa:** Hmm. That's interesting.

**Sora:** Thanks. *tries to get as much of the castle in frame as possible*

**Elsa:** What are you going to do with that?

**Sora:** Use it as a desktop wallpaper for about a month, I think. *goes around and talks to everyone normally*

**Kristoff:** Hey, you're back!

**Sora:** I've been here for a while, actually—

**Kristoff:** Can you believe this place? It's a palace made of ice!

**Sora:** Right?

**Olaf:** Welcome to back to the ice palace. It was Elsa's _second_ work of art. I came first.

**Sora:** Phrasing.

**Elsa:** I'll show you the way.

**Sora:** We're finally gonna get a tour of the ice palace!? Oh. Oh, it's just the sledding mini-game Goofy already offered. Yeah, that...that's fun too...

**Elsa:** I like coming up here. It's so peaceful.

**Anna:** You came to visit! _Man_ you are a good person.

**Sora:** Thanks! You're the first person to actually sound excited about that!

**Anna:** Good to see you too, bud. Aren't you a little cold to be dressed like that?

**Sora:** _Incredibly._ What gives, I thought Elsa melted everything.

**Anna:** I was hoping you wouldn't ask me that. Face it, did you really expect them to remake the whole level?

**Sora:** Point.

**Marshmallow:** Ellipsis.

**Sora:** I didn't know this was Radiant Garden!

**Donald:** Sora, do you want to go sledding again?

**Sora:** Actually yes. *does it* HOW DID I GET AN A RANK FIRST TRY, THE LAST TIME I PLAYED THIS IT TOOK HOURS TO GET A SCORE THAT GOOD.

**Goofy:** You must be more used to it by now.

**Sora:** Guess so. Is there an S rank, I wonder...

**Donald:** There is not.

**Sora:** Well fork me then. *does it a bunch more so he gets every badge thing and does not look up a guide whatsoever how dare you suggest that* Don't need the Orichalcum+ this time around but Master Treasure Magnet is a _very_ welcome ability. And speaking of getting items... *goes over to the Grape Flan and doesn't stop until he has over ten grapes* Well that was less fun. As was gathering a bunch of Frost synthesis items until I could just buy them...What else do I have to do...

**Goofy:** Reclimb the mountain and kill a bunch of shirt so you can grind?

**Sora:** Might as well I guess, yeah. *teleports via save point to where they first landed*

**Goofy:** What do you think Anna and Elsa are doin' right now?

**Sora:** ...Hanging out by the ice palace, Goofy, we _literally_ just saw them.

**Goofy:** Who wants to make snow cones?

**Sora:** Pass, I'm cold enough as is.

**Donald:** C'mon, let's play in the snow!

**Sora:** We technically already are.

**Donald:** I hope we see Olaf.

**Sora:** WE JUST SAW HIM! *goes to where the blizzard had been blowing last time to finally get that Hidden Mickey* Think the snow's deep enough?

**Donald:** You've got it easy. You're tall.

**Goofy:** I think it's kinda fun. A-hyuck!

**Donald:** Yeah. 'Cause you're tall.

**Sora:** Could still use a few more inches in height, personally...and maybe a further voice drop by now... *begins the slow trek back up the mountain*

**Goofy:** *at a point where they're overlooking the kingdom* There's Arendelle Castle!

**Sora:** Whoa! We're really high up! *eventually makes his way to the Valley of Ice where he suddenly runs into everyone again*

**Kristoff:** Bad news, Sora. It happened again.

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** Fork my ash, that's terrible.

**Donald:** I no longer wish to see Olaf.

**Elsa:** I'm sure he didn't mean for this to happen.

**Sora:** Fine, we'll do your forking dirty work for you. Again.

**Anna:** Hey. I love you, man.

**Sora:** Cool, then why's your dialogue all the same. *goes to talk to Elsa for the sake of something new*

**Elsa:** Olaf must think this is a game.

**Sora:** This is the first time I've been genuinely annoyed by him, all the other times was me playing it up 'cause he's an easy target. I'm a forking bully, aren't I.

**Elsa:** I'm afraid we'll have trouble finding him in all this snow.

**Sora:** Snow that you now have the ability to thaw and help us out with?

**Elsa:** That _would_ be something I could do, wouldn't it.

**Sora:** ...You're not gonna, are you.

**Elsa:** NOPE!

**Sora:** Great... *grabs the right pieces immediately this time because fork it*

**Anna:** There you go. Now talk to no one, go nowhere, do nothing.

**Olaf:** I won't let you down.

**Elsa:** Promise you'll be careful.

**Olaf:** I will! Thank you, Elsa. Thanks, Anna.

**Donald:** Hey. _We_ found you.

**Olaf:** Silly, I wasn't lost.

**Donald:** Oh _fork_ you.

**Olaf:** You want to play a game together?

**Sora:** We just did and I don't really wish to repeat it.

**Olaf:** C'mon, let's play I-hide-and-you-seek.

**Sora:** I'm good.

**Elsa:** I'm glad Olaf is having fun.

**Sora:** Olaf's always having fun.

**Elsa:** Thank you for playing along with Olaf.

**Sora:** Sure, I guess.

**Anna:** Falling apart is starting to become a habit for Olaf. He needs to change, and walking on eggshells ain't gonna do the trick. We need to...throw the egg right at his face.

**Sora:** I would love to be here to see that but I don't think I can stick around much longer on the grounds that I kinda don't wanna.

**Anna:** Olaf really likes playing hide-and-seek. Well, good luck, fork-faces. I quit.

**Sora:** Same.

**Kristoff:** Would you mind keeping Olaf company for a while?

**Sora:** I HAVE BEEN AND I REFUSE TO ANY LONGER.

**Kristoff:** You gotta love Olaf, right? I mean, how cute is he?

**Sora:** I mean I like him more than Pascal but I've seen cuter. *leaves and makes his way up to the ice palace again only to see that everyone beat him there* HOW DID YOU GET UP HERE SO FAST, CAN YOU ALSO TELEPORT VIA SAVE POINTS.

**Elsa:** Magic?

**Sora:** ...Oh yeah. Sorry, bit of a dumbash over here.

**Elsa:** No biggie.

**Sora:** *gets up to level forty-five eventually* OKAY GOOD-BYE FOREVER UNTIL I FEEL LIKE SLEDDING AGAIN I GUESS.

~So I didn't know you can seemingly only get Hungry Gems from Frost Serpent tails at that point...~


	26. This One's Gonna Be Contentious...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...So. There's long-since been an update on the situation. And everyone was rather... _quick_ to forgive. I find it...interesting that when a woman stepped forward with evidence of physical abuse everyone rushed to make excuses for the man or to disbelieve her outright, for _years,_ but the _second_ a man stepped forward with similar evidence he was immediately believed and the woman was immediately demonized. While the acknowledgment that women can also be physically abusive toward men is indeed progress, the double standards still concern me greatly. Not to mention there are still allegations that the man physically assaulted a location manager and reports of him constantly being drunk on film sets and needing his lines fed to him through an earpiece.
> 
> Point is, I still don't think much of Johnny Depp as a person, and in my saltiness most of these next three chapters will remain unchanged from how I wrote it before this new information came to light. If the remaining person still reading this have a problem with that, I more than understand; this is a complicated issue and those are my complicated feelings on the subject.
> 
> Anyway, here's the usual list of stuff I stole from in an effort to seem funnier: _One Piece,_ the former Super Best Friends Play channel, _Monty Pyton and the Holy Grail, Hamlet, Glee, Firefly,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Square Enix.

~So the _second_ that I wanted to work on the Caribbean section, they took all but the fifth _Pirates_ movies off of Netflix. This is why I hate streaming services. Always buy physical if possible, kids! (Also this was back when Disney+ was just a rumor; that's how long this shit takes to do.)~

**A bunch of random pirates:** *start singing a very slow, somber, borderline monotonous number*  
 _Yo ho, yo ho, an apologist's life for me_

**Sea:** *exists*

**Pirates:**   
_When you are a celebrity_   
_Fuck off, you snowflakes yo ho_   
_We let you get away with anything_   
_Fuck off, you snowflakes yo ho_

**Port Royal and a bunch of ships:** *also exist*

**Pirates:**   
_Yo ho, yo ho, an apologist's life for me_   
_It's fine because he's male and white_   
_Fuck off, you snowflakes, yo ho_   
_We only care about HIS plight_   
_Fuck off, you snowflakes yo ho_

**A particular galleon:** *is pretty*

**Pirates:**   
_Yo ho, yo ho, an apologist's life for me_

**Camera:** *starts panning over the water and different islands*

**Pirates:**   
_If you think differently from me_   
_Fuck off, you snowflakes, yo ho_   
_You're just a mindless NPC_   
_Fuck off, you snowflakes yo ho_   
_Yo ho, yo ho, an apologist's life for me_   
_Your politics have no place here_   
_Fuck off, you snowflakes yo ho_

**Camera:** *zooms in on a tree-clad mountain before rising above it to look at the sun set over the water*

**Pirates:**   
_Don't make ME uncomfortable, are we clear_   
_Fuck off, you snowflakes yo ho_   
_Yo ho, yo ho, an apologist's life for me_

~I thought about rewriting it but fuck you it's my parody I do what I want and you know what this shit still applies elsewhere and everywhere and _nothing is ever free of politics._ ~

**Sora:**   
_Hey ho ho_   
_It's one for all for one_   
_And we'll share and share alike with you_   
_And love you like a son_   
_We're gentlemen of fortune_   
_And that's what we're proud to be_   
_And when you're a professional pirate_   
_You'll be honest, brave, and free_   
_The soul of decency_   
_You'll be loyal and fair and on the square_   
_And most importantly_   
_When you're a professional pirate_   
_YOU'RE ALWAYS IN THE BEST OF COMPANY~!_

**Donald:** Oh for fuck's sake, that's gonna be stuck in my head for the rest of the game now.

**Sora:** LOOK I REALLY LIKE THE PIRATE AESTHETIC OKAY I _JUST_ REWATCHED _BLACK SAILS._

**Goofy:** You know, aside from Twilight Town, I think this is the only planet we've actually gotten to return to.

**Sora:** You know, I think you're right. Hopefully this one hasn't been shrunk like Twilight Town inexplicably was. Hey Donald, where'd you get this raft, anyway?

**Donald:** Bugger if I know. Also I have no idea where we are, where are we?

**Sora:** I don't know, but I appear to have spontaneously bought into flat-earth bullshit despite _routinely going into space._

**Goofy:** I'm sure it's fine. Hey, wanna LARP a little?

**Sora:** SHOTGUN LUFFY. I wanna be the captain and am also a colossal moron, it's perfect. Which Strawhat do you want to be, Goofy?

**Goofy:** Haven't really figured that out yet, but we seem to have run out of planet despite just landing here. Maybe this planet _is_ smaller than Twilight Town.

**Sora:** Well that would suck. How much time do we have to try and change course?

**Goofy:** ...Like, none.

**Edge of the world:** *is a massive waterfall of death*

**Sora:** ON THE OFF-CHANCE WE CAN SAVE OURSELVES AT THE LAST MINUTE, HARD TO STARBOARD!

**Goofy:** Yep, nope, too late. *paddles as hard as he can alongside Donald anyway*

**Sora:** YOU IDIOT I SAID HARD TO STARBOARD, WHY ARE YOU GOING TO PORT!?

**Donald:** I BARELY KNOW LEFT AND RIGHT WHEN THEY'RE CALLED LEFT AND RIGHT!

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *fall to their deaths, Goofy doing a fabulous approximation of his infamous yell in the process*

**The Caribbean title card:** Map and ship aesthetics are awesome.

**Sora:** *wakes up alongside Donald and Goofy in the middle of a flat white desert under a scorching sun* ...Are we dead? *sits up at the same time as the other two as they all stare out at the expanse*

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *all slump at the same time*

**Sora:** AS I SHOUT OUT MY FRUSTRATIONS, THE CAMERA WILL ZOOM UPWARD TO INDICATE HOW FAR MY VOICE IS MEANT TO CARRY!

**Donald:** Gotta say, that's like the most anime thing I've seen so far this game, and that is saying something.

**Goofy:** If we anime, then maybe anime will anime!

**Sora:** Let's just get up and start walking. *leads the way, still slumped over*

**Goofy:** We've been walking forever.

**Donald:** It's been three seconds, Goofy.

**Sora:** I'm complaining about not having a ship when I should really be worried about the lack of ocean. And water in general. *looks up*

**Black Pearl:** *is there*

**Sora:** *stops walking* ...Well that's convenient.

**Goofy:** *bumps into Sora*

**Donald:** *bumps into Goofy* Hey what the shit—oh. Oh! Nice!

**Goofy:** We might actually make it out of this alive!

**Black Pearl:** Never say that out loud, moron.

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** Fuck you, we're gonna live! *all start running toward it together*

**Black Pearl:** *is steadily moving away from them while being carried along by rock-like white crabs because that's how crabs work*

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *question nothing as they run*

**Jack:** *coming up from behind them* What the ruddy hell happened, I wasn't _this_ far behind it! *runs past them*

**Sora:** Dafuq did you come from and also did they once again get a sound-alike.

**Jack:** *stops and turns to face them* Of course they did, the original actor would never lower himself to appear in this kind of nonsense.

**Goofy:** *aside to Donald* The more people say that, the more I'm reminded that they got Dame Angela Lansbury to reprise her role as Mrs. Potts in KHII.

**Donald:** I know right.

**Sora:** The hell are we, anyway.

**Jack:** HEY WE SHOULD CATCH THAT SHIP MAYBE. *runs after it*

**Sora:** FAIR. *follows him and somehow ends up leading the way since gameplay's started and your party always has to follow behind you except when it doesn't*

**Donald:** How the fuck is it even moving, we're too far out to see the crabs.

**Goofy:** Last time we were here we had to face an army of undead skeletons, and you're complaining about a ship moving on land?

**Donald:** You shut up and help me fight these Heartless.

**Sora:** Nah, I say we just run past 'em, I don't know if this is timed or not and I have no desire to find out — did that ship just _shoot her cannons at us!?_

**Jack:** I am _really_ getting sick of being mutinied upon.

**Sora:** Okay I'm just gonna dodge roll my way over there...

**Jack:** Blimey but these beasties are annoying.

**Goofy:** Word of advice: Don't die.

**Donald:** I'll be sure to work on that.

**Sora:** YAY CAUGHT UP TO HER—fuck, gotta fight the Heartless controlling her anyway. Meh, fair enough I guess. *kills a couple of Anchor Raider Heartless*

**Jack:** The hell're those chains supposed to be connected to...

**Black Pearl:** *was already moving on its own so Jack, Sora, Donald, and Goofy probably just hopped on and held on as it sailed over the sand dunes with Jack on the mast and Sora, Donald, and Goofy at the bow*

**Gibbs, Elizabeth, Barbossa, and Will:** *stare gobsmacked at the sight*

**Tia Dalma:** *is petting one of the white crabs which probably isn't indicative of anything*

**Black Pearl:** *sails into the water as Will makes an Anime Reaction Noise™*

**Gibbs:** Slap me thrice and hand me to me mama. *runs forward*

**Elizabeth:** ...No?

**Jack, Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *walk forward as Gibbs runs up to them*

**Gibbs:** Jack!

**Jack:** Mr. Gibbs!

**Gibbs:** Aye, Cap'n!

**Jack:** I thought so. I expect you're able to account for your actions, then.

**Gibbs:** ...Sir?

**Jack:** There has been a perpetual and virulent lack of discipline upon my vessel—why?

**Gibbs:** *looks around in confusion* Sir, you're...You're in Davy Jones's Locker, Cap'n.

**Jack:** …

**Sora:** The what now?

**Jack:** ...I know that. I know where I am. And don't think I don't! *turns to Sora in the others* I'm in Davy Jones's Locker. Assuredly.

**Barbossa:** Jack Sparrow.

**Sora:** Wait, didn't he die? How is he here?

**Jack:** Sea turtles, probably.

**Sora:** You what?

**Jack:** Hector! It's been too long, hasn't it? *walks up to him*

**Sora:** Pfft, Hector?

**Barbossa:** Indeed. Isla de Muerte, remember? You shot me.

**Jack:** ...No I didn't. This is a baby game for babies.

**Sora:** I kinda think you did. Would've been hard to include this planet otherwise.

**Will:** *walks up to him with Elizabeth* Sora. We meet again.

**Elizabeth:** It's lovely to see you all.

**Sora:** Hey wow, people I'm actually happy to see again on this pile of shit of a planet! Um...Why do I get the feeling that you're not supposed to be wearing that yet, Elizabeth?

**Elizabeth:** Because I'm not, but did you really thing they were going to pay for _two_ character models?

**Sora:** Point. So how exactly is Davy Jones's Locker a desert island we got to after falling over a waterfall?

**Will:** Just roll with it. Jack got trapped here between movies for fucking over Davy Jones. This is apparently where you go when you're eaten by a Kraken.

**Sora:** Well at least he faced _some_ kind of consequence for his actions...Wait, are we dead?

**Goofy:** This purgatory or something?

**Donald:** It's _someone's_ version of hell, at any rate.

**Elizabeth:** This is the second death we've walked back in this series. Honestly I'm not so sure why I'll be so worried about Will later.

**Jack:** *not listening to any of that* Tia Dalma! Out and about, eh? You add an agreeable sense of the macabre to any delirium.

**Tia Dalma:** *is much happier to see him here than in the film; guess Squeenix thought she should smile more*

**Will:** He thinks we're a hallucination.

**Elizabeth:** *steps forward* Jack, this is real, we're here.

**Jack:** … *raises a finger, lowers it, and moves away slightly*

**Elizabeth:** We've come to save you!

**Jack:** Have you now? That's very kind of you. But it would seem that as I possess a ship and you don't, *walks forward* _you're_ the ones in need of rescuing, and I'm not sure as I'm in the mood.

**Barbossa:** We cutting the part where I argue that the Pearl is actually _my_ ship?

**Will:** Jack, Cutler Beckett has the heart of Davy Jones. He controls the Flying Dutchman.

**Elizabeth:** He's taking over the seas.

**Tia Dalma:** De song has already been sung. De Brederen Court is called.

**Jack:** Leave you people alone for just a moment, look what happens. Everything's gone to pot!

**Sora:** *turns to Donald and Goofy* ...Did we miss a movie?

**Goofy:** At least one and a third, probably.

**Sora:** Huh.

**Donald:** I haven't watched the second and third ones in years and thus forget everything.

**Sora:** Same. *turns to everyone* Hey, uh, can anyone explain what's going on? At all? Instead of not?

**Gibbs:** Sure, I don't mind runnin' me mouth long as I got a willing ear. *ambles up to them* Okay, the lot of you were around for the first Pirates film, am I right?

**Sora:** Yeah, and then some random Organization bullshit happened—

**Jack:** I just barely remember that.

**Sora:** That is usually the case.

**Gibbs:** Well, I was there for the film part as well.

**Sora:** ...You really weren't.

**Gibbs:** I really was. It's just that there were only so many people from the original film that Square Enix deigned to model, and I suppose that my actor just didn't have enough star power to be deemed a necessary addition.

**Sora:** Well now that you're here, I'd like to thank you for being the only one to lower yourself to reprise your role in this dumb baby game for babies.

**Gibbs:** The payche—The pleasure was mine.

**Sora:** So, like, can we get some kind of recap on the second film or something?

**Jack:** It's Kingdom Hearts, mate, you're kind of just expected to know the plot.*blinks* Of the Disney films, at any rate.

**Sora:** Yeah, but these two films were a little difficult to understand even when viewed back to back, what with everyone shifting loyalties all the time—

**Jack:** Have you considered that you were simply too stupid to understand them back when you first saw them?

**Sora:** I'm too stupid to understand them _now._

**Donald:** Well no one's gonna argue against that.

**Goofy:** _Please_ dumb it down for these two, it really sounds like they need it.

**Donald:** WAK!

**Elizabeth:** Okay, first off, Will and I were supposed to be married, right?

**Sora:** I know it's gross to ship real people, but I _was_ hoping you two'd end up together.

**Will:** Well we did get together. Are together. Were together. *clears throat* It's been a...rough film and a half.

**Elizabeth:** Except we're still not actually married yet since we got arrested the day of. Or at the rehearsal, it wasn't a hundred percent clear.

**Sora:** What'd you do.

**Will:** Helped Jack escape from the noose and fought a bunch of guards in the process.

**Jack:** Frankly if the lass's father hadn't been governor the lot of us would've been strung up on the spot.

**Sora:** BOY does that check out.

**Will:** Anyway, Beckett – the one who had us arrested – wanted Jack's compass because frankly who doesn't. So I was sent to find Jack and basically try to con the compass off him, or Elizabeth and I would've been hanged anyway, government protection be damned.

**Elizabeth:** While I remained in a jail cell. In my wedding dress. In a prison that was not exactly designed to be co-ed. This was played as a joke.

**Sora:** Yeesh.

**Elizabeth:** At least until my father broke me out. I got the pardon Beckett was going to give Jack in exchange for the compass and got him to make it out for Will instead. 'Course, I still had to get the compass for him or he wouldn't have honored it, so I disguised myself as a man – not really all that difficult with my cup size and the time period – and stowed away on a random ship hoping to find both Will and Jack.

**Sora:** But female pirates totally existed, though.

**Elizabeth:** Yes but the goal was secrecy, stealth, and speed. I knew it would be faster and, frankly, infinitely safer if I didn't have to make a feminist argument to a most likely figuratively deaf ear every time I turned around.

**Sora:** That is more than understandable.

**Gibbs:** Meanwhile, the crew of the Pearl were off seeking a very special key.

**Jack:** Which we would've have needed to seek out in the first place had you just let me hang on to yours for more than five bloody seconds.

**Sora:** By allowing you to hold it, I allowed you to unlock the potential to wield it for yourself; it's not my fault you're complete garbage.

**Gibbs:** But Jack were acting far stranger than normal—

**Goofy:** So, normal.

**Gibbs:** His hat was thrown overboard but he ordered us not to go back for it!

**Donald:** ...Okay, that's not normal.

**Gibbs:** Exactly, so we headed to land, quick as we could. Only the first land we found weren't the most... _pleasant_ of places.

**Will:** I found them on an island run by possibly racist caricatures of cannibalistic natives.

**Goofy:** _Possibly,_ he says...

**Sora:** Wait wait wait wait wait wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait. Hold up. Are you saying. That a _Disney_ movie. Of all things. Might have problematic elements?

**Will:** Hard to believe, I know.

**Jack:** Yeah, still had to escape by my own bloody self, didn't ?

**Sora:** Just skip that part, I'm sure it had some fun visuals but I've already seen...every other movie that involves this kind of shit.

**Will:** Fair enough. Anyway, the possibility of Jack being pardoned never entered the conversation; if I helped get him that key Gibbs mentioned earlier, he'd give me the compass as payment.

**Sora:** Okay, but why was Jack so desperate to get to land in the first place?

**Gibbs:** Because Davy Jones posted Release the Kraken dot gif.

**Sora:** Ah. Why, what did Jack do?

**Jack:** *indignantly* Wait why're you assuming I did anything wrong?

**Gibbs:** Jones gave Jack the Pearl in the first place, and after thirteen years as Captain, the bill's come due.

**Jack:** Even though I only had the Pearl for two of those years due to mutiny—

**Sora:** And did you keep insisting that people still call you “Captain” during those ten years?

**Jack:** ...You sound like Jones.

**Sora:** Good, now shut the fuck up. Please continue, Mr. Gibbs.

**Gibbs:** Aye. We then went to seek out the advice of Tia Dalma here—

**Tia Dalma:** 'Sup.

**Sora:** How're you doing, Moneypenny.

**Gibbs:** —and she gave us a bit of background on our enemy. See, he were taken in by that which vexes all men—

**Sora:** Why caring about anyone outside of yourself, the people in your immediate vicinity, and people who look like you has always been a heated political issue?

**Donald:** Why some are determined to refuse to let other people live their own lives and will ostracize and often kill others for doing anything outside of incredibly narrow forced social norms?

**Goofy:** What J.K. Rowling's even doing with the Fantastic Beasts series anymore and also in general 'cause what in the actual fuck?

**Gibbs:** ...No, women.

**Sora:** ...Oh. How heteronormative and kind of pathetic of you.

**Gibbs:** Anyway, the long and short of it is that neither Davy Jones nor the Kraken can attack while he's on land, so that's why he so hastily bid us make port, even if there was no physical port in place.

**Will:** Also Jack tried to trade my soul for his. Spent days serving on the Dutchman.

**Sora:** And you still willingly spend time with Jack because...?

**Will:** Eh, it wasn't all bad. Got the key. Met my dad, too, that was nice.

**Sora:** Oh, wow, does that mean—

**Will:** Bootstrap Bill's name has been changed to Sir Not Appearing In This Game.

**Sora:** Aw, I wanted to make an “Orlando Bloom is somehow considered the spitting image of Stellan Skarsgård” joke.

**Will:** Well now you have.

**Jack:** It didn't matter anyway. Jones didn't think Will's soul was equal to mine.

**Sora:** Well that's oddly good for a villain. I mean, you can't put a price on a human—

**Gibbs:** He wanted a solid hundred souls in exchange for Jack's freedom, so we set out for Tortuga to pick up an additional ninety-nine, since Jones already had Will.

**Donald:** So...you had to clean up your mess, but your mop was humans.

**Jack:** Basically, yeah.

**Sora:** ...Fuck I miss the Strawhats.

**Goofy:** We all do, Sora.

**Elizabeth:** Will had told me that he'd start the search for Jack in Tortuga, so I managed to trick the crew of the shop I'd stowed away on into sailing there. Thankfully they were a superstitious lot.

**Sora:** Anything exciting happen in Tortuga?

**Gibbs:** Meh, bit of a bar fight. It's the worst town ever. I wanna go live there.

**Jack:** I think you _do_ live there.

**Elizabeth:** I got into my first sword fight there!

**Jack:** And had we known it was you at the time I'm sure we all would have been so proud.

**Elizabeth:** I also met up with an old friend there but since he wasn't in KHII and won't be in this one either why bother going into detail about him.

**Sora:** Alas, poor Norrington. I didn't know him at all, Goofy.

**Goofy:** I understood that reference! A-hyuck!

**Donald:** ... _How._

**Will:** I escaped soon after, key in hand, but the ship that picked me up was destroyed by the Kraken. I just barely managed to escape, becoming a stowaway myself aboard the Dutchman once more.

**Elizabeth:** Meanwhile, after being his usual, charming, sexist self, Jack agreed to let me sail with him since he couldn't use his own bloody compass even if it meant saving his own skin so I had to use it for him. And then the films forced a love triangle between me, Will, and Jack because of course they fucking did.

**Sora:** Eurgh.

**Elizabeth:** Soon after, we landed on Isla Cruces where we dug up the chest—

**Sora:** What chest?

**Elizabeth:** ...The chest the key goes to.

**Will:** Did we leave out that part?

**Jack:** Best keep it vague, for the sake of later confusion.

**Will:** Good plan. Anyway, I caught up with them at that point, and then Jack, Norrington, and I had probably the best sword fight in the franchise while Elizabeth fought some of Davy Jones's crew.

**Jack:** We were supposedly fighting over the key, but let's face it, we were fighting over Elizabeth.

**Elizabeth:** Who at that precise moment learned how to dual wield!

**Sora:** Neat.

**Jack:** So in the confusion, I'd placed the contents of the chest into my precious jar of dirt – the bit of land I carry around with me when I'm out at sea – but in the continued confusion, Norrington pilfered said aforementioned contents for his own self.

**Will:** Which we didn't know anything about.

**Jack:** Of course you didn't, I just said it was confusing.

**Gibbs:** So we're back on the Pearl while the Dutchman pulls up beside us, each captain confident that they have the treasure they fought so hard to claim. Only neither did – the sequel was already planned out, after all.

**Will:** Jones had a clear advantage over us, so we tried escaping, but when the Dutchman fell out of range, he sent the Kraken after us instead. Luckily, I'd escaped it before and I managed to help the...well, the _named_ crew escape this time.

**Elizabeth:** Except Jack, who volunteered to stay behind and that's why he's down here. What I just said was one hundred percent factual, why would I lie.

**Jack:** *side-eyes her super hard*

**Sora:** Wow, that was a heck of a lot that happened, even with a plot synopsis—

**Barbossa:** But that only be the totality of what happened in the last film. Tell the lads about the more recent events what led us up to this moment.

**Sora:** Hey yeah, when did he get back?

**Tia Dalma:** He be de cliffhanger at de end of de last film.

**Sora:** Of course he was.

**Elizabeth:** Okay so _this_ film opened with an incredibly necessary slow death of a child to establish that the bad guys are bad—

**Sora:** And yet Big Hero 6 had problems saying the _word_ “death” at times, got it. Disney's nothing if not consistent.

**Elizabeth:** The child that was being put to death started singing about the plot, the idea of which was stolen for the beginning of this planet. After the opening, we went to Singapore to get a new ship and crew, plus a map to, well, here, and also to get Chow Yun-fat into the movie. While we were there, I was disgustingly sexually objectified for the sake of “humor.”

**Sora:** That does sound like the writing of an anti-vaxxer who doesn't know what slurs mean.

**Elizabeth:** Also something about nine pirate lords of the Brethren Court, I'm still not sure about the significance of that.

**Barbossa:** Oh I have a feeling you will in due time.

**Gibbs:** Sao Feng only agreed because Jack still had one of the nine pieces of eight on him when he died—

**Goofy:** Are pirates as bad at math as Phil is?

**Gibbs:** As bad and worse!

**Will:** Also Beckett's men showed up. A common enemy can be a powerful motivator.

**Tia Dalma:** And after we escape, Elizabet and I, we manage to pass de Beckdell test.

**Sora:** ...That's actually kind of impressive.

**Gibbs:** While all of that was happening, we heard tale of Davy Jones sinking not a few of our brothers in arms on behalf of Beckett and the East India Company. You can see why we be looking for a way to put a stop to it.

**Barbossa:** I hear he were even made to kill his beloved pet to prove his worth!

**Sora:** Then why's the Kraken gonna be involved in the final boss fights.

**Will:** Because it looks cool?

**Sora:** That is an acceptable reason.

**Elizabeth:** So apparently in order to get to Davy Jones's Locker, it was necessary to go so far north that there were a shitton of icebergs everywhere. As we're all used to Caribbean climate, you can understand why more than a few of us had issues adjusting to the weather.

**Sora:** Shit, how long did that take?

**Elizabeth:** It's not a hundred percent clear.

**Will:** We then sailed into a cave within the ice and somehow ended up on a stretch of still waters that perfectly reflected the night sky.

**Elizabeth:** Mercifully, the temperature had risen again by that point...

**Gibbs:** And then we all sailed over a blooming waterfall!

**Sora:** Huh. I think the Gummi ship might've landed us in that same clear patch of sea, because we sailed over a blooming waterfall right after we got here.

**Donald:** Hey Jack, what were you up to while they were looking for you, I haven't heard you talk about your own experiences yet.

**Jack:** Well I can assure you that I wasn't having a massive amount of hallucinations in any way, shape, or form, and even if I was I'm definitely much more better now and there will be absolutely no lingering side effects!

**Goofy:** Honestly I figured he'd been suffering from hallucinations since we'd met him.

**Gibbs:** ...Anyway, after that, we all washed up on this beach and ended up running into you lot. And that's what you missed, on _Glee._

**Sora:** Shiny. Sorry for the interruption, please continue to play out _this_ movie.

**Gibbs:** Aye. *turns to his cap'n* Listen, Jack. The world needs you back something fierce.

**Will:** And you need a crew.

**Jack:** Why should I sail with any of you? Four of you have tried to kill me in the past. One of you—

**Sora:** Jack, we'll avoid the entire part where Elizabeth's a huge murderer if you let us be your crew mates!

**Jack:** Good enough for me! Now, as for the rest of you... *walks up to Tia Dalma* ...Fair enough, all right, you're in. Gibbs, you can come. And that's the six we need! Weigh anchor, all hands! Prepare to make sail! *opens compass which is endlessly spinning about, and closes it in annoyance*

**Barbossa:** Jack. Which way're you going, Jack? *taps the map they brought with them*

**Jack:** Grr. Argh.

~I know this is mostly one giant recap episode but I had to've rewatched those films for something damn it.~


	27. You Thought You Were Playing Kingdom Hearts, BUT IT WAS I! ASSCREED!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Late again, and I'm starting to be fine with that; I'm only really writing these for myself anymore anyway:** _JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, Assassin's Creed, Firefly, The Producers, Harry Potter, One Piece,_ the former Super Best Friends Play channel, _Jerry Maguire, Kung Pow: Enter the Fist,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Square Enix.

~I fucking love single-player sailing games.~

**Black Pearl:** *is suddenly swarmed by randos*

**Sora:** *is at the wheel, ecstatic*

**Jack:** Cutting down on film antics for the time being, are we? Good, I prefer it that way. Right then, Mr. Sora. The helm is yours, provided you can actually steer the bloody thing.

**Sora:** Jack, I've played Assassin's Creed III, Assassin's Creed IV Black Flag, and Assasin's Creed Rogue. I've got this.

**Jack:** It's good that you like IV in particular, then. Go to that island that looks like a pair of tits and we'll call it good, savvy?

**Sora:** Hells yeah! *easily sails to the island as the Pearl responds far more quickly than the Jackdaw and Morrigan ever did*

**Goofy:** Jack said to head for the island straight in front of us.

**Sora:** Yes I know, Goofy, I was there, he just said it. I hate saying things twice when I shouldn't have to. Because it's useless to say it twice.

**Goofy:** Yes but some people might skip cutscenes when they replay things.

**Sora:** Some people are weird.

**Random Heartless-controlled ships:** *suddenly appear*

**Sora:** I only just noticed that they got rid of the main Pirates theme from the movie that was usually in place of the battle music, that's depressing, did they spend too much on “Let It Go” this time around? *learns quickly to just shoot the green/purple/red orbs for maximum/quickest damage*

**Goofy:** There's Heartless on those ships!

**Sora:** Yes I figured that, thank you!

**Jack:** Ready the cannons!

**Sora:** The cannons I've been firing already!? *blows them all up*

**Black Pearl:** *is suddenly deserted*

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *are sitting with their backs to the mast*

**Sora:** Where're we going again?

**Goofy:** As long as we don't have to watch Jack and Barbossa's dick measuring contests, I don't really care.

**Donald:** Yeah but it's been a while since we manually saved the game, and I wanna get to the meat of this planet already.

**Jack:** *is fiddling with the chart by the helm*

**Tia Dalma:** *walks up to Sora, Donald, and Goofy*

**Donald:** ...Can we help you?

**Tia Dalma:** Cast your fate wid Jack Sparrow, and you soon be sharing in de wrat of Davy Jones.

**Sora:** Yeah, even with the plot synopsis I'm still not sure who that even is.

**Tia Dalma:** Truly? You don't know who Davy Jones be?

**Sora:** I just explained that to you, yes. Making me say the same thing over and over again is useless. And I hate that because it's useless. Totally useless.

**Tia Dalma:** ...I see. And you say you be men of de sea?

**Sora:** ...We're more familiar with, uh, oceans, actually.

**Tia Dalma:** Are ya now? *turns toward Jack* Jones have weird octopus beard where him facial hair used to be. Also, ya see how Will and Elizabet on opposite ends of de Pearl, not speaking to each oder? That because de girl con Jack into getting eaten by de Kraken while de boy tought her heart longed for Witty Jack instead of him. Even if dat not de case, he still pissed dat she lied. So dey're kind of broken up now, mostly for de sake of de drama.

**Sora:** Well that sounds boring as hell.

**Tia Dalma:** It be indeed. But back to de sea monster pirate captain – if he learn dat Jack escape from him prison, den he will want to have him vengeance upon Witty Jack, and anyone who help him.

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** We're cowering in fear even though we've fought other Disney villains a bunch of times before.

**Donald:** We fought _Chernabog_ for fuck's sake, why're we freaking out now?

**Goofy:** I guess she's just that good at building tension and talking up the bad guy.

**Sora:** Fuck Davy Jones, I want a section where we can fight the Kraken!

**Tia Dalma:** ...You be a weird kid. Most people wid sense, dem run for land at de mention of de kraken. Dis can only mean Jack have more sense dan you. And dat just disturbing to tink about.

**Sora:** Uh huh. So while we're still clarifying things, what does the key unlock.

**Tia Dalma:** A box. Well, a chest, but I call it a box for de sake of making everyone tink dis has someting to do wit de main plot, when it actually mean noting whatsoever.

**Sora:** Then would you mind spoiling what the contents are for us?

**Tia Dalma:** It be de heart of Davy Jones. Him read _De Warlock's Hairy Heart_ and him took it literal.

**Sora:** Gross.

~Hey how racist is it of me to continue to write out Tia Dalma's dialogue phonetically? _Is_ it racist? I mean I basically learned how from J.K. Rowling so I kind of feel like it is...~

**Vexen:** Okay but how the fuck does that work, though. He actually doesn't have a heart, like a physical heart and not the stand-in for souls we're usually yammering on about, and he's still alive, how even is. I mean, my replicas still need _something_ in order to function, yet this guy's been at his job _sans_ heart for, what, centuries? I need to examine the box, find out how this planet works.

**Luxord:** Yeah, and while you're at it, maybe you can find a logical explanation for why there were a bunch of zombies who were only able to show off their skeletons under moonlight. Our orders were to just steal the box, not dissect its contents.

**Vexen:** And just what do you think I'll be ordered to do once we've gotten hold of it? Why else do you think I was brought back into the fold in the first place? I'm just trying to stay useful here, and that means thinking ahead a little more than not at all.

**Luxord:** Is that so. Care to let me in on this...forward thinking of yours?

**Vexen's eyes:** *are fucking creepy and huge*

**Vexen:** You wanna defect as well, 'cause I could use more allies.

**Luxord:** Nah, I'm loyal. To Xehanort. Or at least to whomever outranks me, which in this case _is_ Xehanort. I don't really care about Xemnas's weird shit anymore; I only serve to please the person in charge who has the final decision on whether or not we're of use to him. I don't _quite_ have your brains; all I'm really known for are gambling puns and frustrating gimmick boss fights that made ShieldEcho rage quit and look up the secret endings of the DLC on YouTube.

**Vexen:** Hey, I'm not looking to compare which of us might end up playing the larger role in this series as a whole. I just wanna be a mad scientist with no real obstacles. And since Ansem the Wise shut our project down, I turned to Xemnas, or Xehanort, or whomever the fuck would let me continue doing whatever experiments I wanted, ethics be damned.

**Luxord:** You really don't care how he might end up using your research?

**Vexen:** I just said, ethics be damned. I just want to build up a clone army since Nomura still has some Star Wars he hasn't ripped off yet. Or predicted, that whole “Mark Hamill's character misguidedly attempts to murder his student before realizing that it would have been a bad decision” thing was surprisingly on the nose.

**Luxord:** Fine, then, but I know this planet better than you, having been the only Organization member aside from arguably Roxas to have traveled there in a past game. Mind pissing off?

**Vexen:** You won't even know I'm here. Especially with Sora and his friends around; I'd rather not get killed again. I know it was Axel, but still. It's a setback I do not desire to repeat.

**Luxord:** Oh don't worry about them. I've got a cunning plan.

**Vexen:** Shiny. I'll just stand here and watch.

~...Wait, you thought you'd actually get to be involved in the events of the movie?~

**Sun:** *sets in a flash of green*

**Sora:** ...We're skipping the whole parade of dead people including Governor Swan thing, plus Jack conning everyone to flip the Pearl over? I mean, I know we skip around a lot when it comes to Disney movies, but this one seems to be especially pushing it. At least some players didn't have to watch a member of the nameless crew members get squashed by a cannon...something that _I'll_ never unsee...Ah shit, water's coming down.

**Black Pearl:** *rises up once again into the land of the living*

**Sora:** *shakes off his head a bit* Well that was fun, let's do it again.

**Goofy:** I vote we don't.

**Sora:** Pussy.

**Donald:** Fuck both of you, we're finally in the proper planet level thing.

**Jack:** Never fear. All according to keikaku.

**Barbossa:** Unfortunately there be no time either for our fun little exchange at gunpoint.

**Will:** Why, 'cause we're about to be attacked by that ship over there?

**Elizabeth:** It's not one of Beckett's, is it?

**Ship:** *sends out some Vaporflies to fly ahead*

**Sora:** Oh boy, here we go.

**Tia Dalma:** *...is kind of just staring at Sora*

**Raging Vulture:** *flies overhead and shoots a beam or something at the Pearl, just narrowly missing it*

**Everyone on board:** WE'RE WET! WE'RE HYSTERICAL AND WE'RE WET!

**Jack:** The shit, Barbossa!

**Barbossa:** I'm not with them this time!

**Jack:** I do _not_ believe you!

**Elizabeth:** Is this the moment?

**Tia Dalma:** I just whispered someting to you dat will not be revealed until later for de sake of dramatic effect.

**Sora:** That sure was a thing you whispered to me that will not come into play in any way, shape, or form.

**Tia Dalma:** Okay bye. *walks away*

**Sora:** Well that was basically pointless.

**Elizabeth:** OI! THERE'S A WAR GOING ON HERE!

**Raging Vulture:** *is coming back around for another attack*

**Goofy:** Too bad Glide isn't an option yet.

**Donald:** Why am I somehow convinced that we were never able to fly in any world ever?

**Sora:** *watches the Vaporflies shit out multicolored jet streams* ...Oh I think I know how to hype up everyone in all of the trailers. *runs forward*

**Donald and Goofy:** Wait, what?

**Sora:** *uses Flowmotion to grind on the jet streams* Donald and Goofy, protect the ship! Somehow! I'll handle the Heartless on my own since you two can't do shit! *grinds up to the Vaporfly and jumps onto it, using it to attack other Vaporflies but mostly the Raging Vulture, either grinding or quick stepping his way onto other Vaporflies whenever the one he's riding has outlived his usefulness* Fight gets a bit tedious the longer it goes on but _fuck_ is it fun. *jumps onto the Raging Vulture and rides it until it evens out at which point he beats it in the face until it knocks him off and he has to repeat the process* Okay so this level is based on _Assassin's Creed IV Black Flag_ and _Shadow of the Colossus_ apparently. Those are some _good fucking things to rip off,_ Avion and Phalanx are fucking great. *repeats the process until the Raging Vulture dies, thereby ending the boss fight*

**Raging Vulture:** *explodes into light*

**Sora:** Kablams! Oh shit. *falls into the sea as all the Vaporflies explode around him*

**Donald:** SORA! WAKE YOUR SHIT!

**Goofy:** Maybe _we_ should get the Power of Waking™ as well, this is like the second time this has happened.

**Sora:** *wakes up, lying on his back in the sand* What'd I miss? *sits up* Also where is everyone.

**Goofy:** Continuing the movie while we went to get you.

**Donald:** I don't know whether to be annoyed that they flat-out ditched the person who saved their ship, or relieved that we won't be checking in on them until the climax of the movie.

**Sora:** I'd say a little of column A, a little of column B.

**Jack:** I'm still here, by the way.

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** Oh good.

**White crab:** *falls out of Jack's trousers, indicating nothing important at all why would you think that*

~BUT HOW IS JACK ON BECKETT'S SHIP, THEN, WHAT A MYSTERY THIS IS.~

**Beckett:** Perhaps you'll consider an arrangement, one which requires nothing from you but information. *hands Jack some type of alcoholic beverage*

**Jack:** *looks at nine coins laid out on the table and takes it* Regarding the brethren court, no doubt. *takes Beckett's other drink before it can be drunk* In exchange for fair compensation. *downs the first drink* Square my debt with Jones... *downs the other one and immediately adopts a stranger voice* Guarantee my freedom... *coughs* What's in that?

**Beckett:** It's just good business.

**Jack:** Were I in a divulgatory mood, what then might I divulge? *fiddling with a model*

**Beckett:** Everything. Where are they meeting? Who are the pirate lords? What's the purpose of the nine pieces of eight? Why do kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch? Why is Square Enix doing more mobile game bullshit? Why is the next game on consoles a fucking rhythm game? Who in the everliving _fuck_ is the Master of Masters supposed to be, and also Yozora? Do we really have _two_ unnamed girls to try and figure out who they are now or are they somehow the same girl? Was that really Luxord's Somebody driving the car in the good ending of Re:Mind? HAS HE OR HAS HE NOT COME UP WITH A NEW _RECIPEH!?_

~...Something about Beckett's model just seems...off. Like, it almost doesn't even look like the actor to me; at least the others are close enough.~

**Jack:** ARE YOU READY FOR THE ASSCREED SECTION!?

**Sora:** BOY ARE WE!

**Jack:** Tough, we need a ship first, go fetch.

**Donald:** The fuck're we gonna find one around here, though.

**Jack:** I psychically know that there's one on this island we're stuck on.

**Sora:** I instantly believe you. *runs forward in excitement*

**Goofy:** *following at a more sedate pace with Donald* ...I'm seeing a lot of disturbing similarities between those two.

**Donald:** At least Sora's got us to help keep him in check and hopefully stave off any potential lawsuits.

**Sora:** I will now flash back dramatically to what Tia Dalma told me.

**Tia Dalma's voice over:** Use dat key to free me, Sora, and you have my most certain promise...All de power on de see you ever wish for be yours.

**Sora:** I wonder what she meant by that aside from being a black woman during a time when slavery was _definitely_ still legal.

**Donald:** We good?

**Goofy:** You're not thinking of a plot point that will never be followed up on, are you?

**Sora:** Huh? Oh, no, no, of course not.

**Diving tutorials:** Okay we know you're used to the Atlantica shit but these might be a bit easier.

**Sora:** Wonder what happens if I just try to swim for it, I seem to have infinite stamina in these games... *tries to swim away*

**Donald:** We better stay on the island.

**Sora:** Curse you, invisible walls!

**Goofy:** C'mon! There's still more of this island to explore!

**Sora:** *glances at pool of water* I know...

**Goofy:** Gawrsh, I hope we're good enough swimmers.

**Sora:** We will be, definitely.

**Donald:** I guess it's time for a swim. Sora, you go first!

**Sora:** Hey how 'bout you go fuck yourself.

**Jack:** Could be a ship hidden deeper inland, if you're interested.

**Sora:** Fine. Ready to go?

**Jack:** Oh I'm afraid I won't be joining you underwater, mates. Let's just say I don't have the gills.

**Sora:** Because you're scared of the Kraken getting to you if you even so much as touch the water, because you're actually a clone made out of crabs and can't keep it together while under water, or because you have a Devil Fruit ability that will basically make you drown instantly if you ever fall into the water?

**Jack:** Yes to the first and yes to the second but only insofar as we keep to the I'm just gonna start the take again, shall I?

**Sora:** Good idea.

**Jack:** For real though I'm really not signed up for the explosion of tentacles that are gonna tear me to pieces.

**Sora:** Sacrifices have to be made.

**Jack:** Not that one.

**Sora:** Pussy. *dives into the water* HOW ARE WE ABLE TO BREATHE.

**Goofy:** Donald, did you do something?

**Donald:** Maybe I had some Oxy-Chew stashed or something.

**Sora:** I'm just gonna roll with it. *leads the way into a much larger underwater area*

**Donald:** *speaking fairly clearly* This might be a good spot to find some ingredients!

**Sora:** ...Okay so apparently we can not only breathe under water but talk freely if muffled while underwater...Donald is this some of _your_ bullshit or just standard KH bullshit.

**Donald:** You're asking _me!?_

**Sora:** *is suddenly set upon by Heartless* I THOUGHT THE WET STUFF WAS SAFE! *tries to kill Sea Sprite Heartless but Watera doesn't work underwater so has to switch to Fira* The wet stuff is _not_ safe!

**Donald:** A sunken ship!

**Sora:** *grabs all the treasure he can find* _Fuck_ there are a lot of ingredients here. Did we accidentally stumble across the All Blue or something? *heads deeper into the undersea cavern and finds several places he can pick up pirate gold seemingly indefinitely, which thankfully converts to munny*

**Goofy:** It's getting cozy down here. Be careful.

**Sora:** It's not as bad as the Labyrinth of Ice was. Somehow. *keeps going until there's suddenly a cavern filled to burst with jellyfish that _will_ hurt your health if you touch them*

**Donald:** Too many jellyfish...

**Goofy:** Maybe you can clear 'em away from a distance.

**Sora:** I would if I hadn't wasted all of my MP taking out Heartless.

**Donald:** ...You know you can buy Ethers in this game, right?

**Sora:** I AM CONDITIONED TO HOARD EVERYTHING MORE POWERFUL THAN A HI POTION. Also I've been wasting all my money on synthesis items and Gummi parts anyway.

**Donald:** Well at least Louie'll be happy. *a bit later* I don't see a ship, do you?

**Sora:** Donald I know you want to get to the rest of the planet already but you are _not_ helping right now. *sees a save point and immediately turns around because that means progression; explores every nook and cranny of the maze-like caverns before heading to the boss fight*

**Two bright yellow glowing thingies:** *are sticking out of the ocean floor*

**Goofy:** There are two bright yellow glowing thingies sticking out of the ocean floor!

**Chest:** *is there as well*

**Donald:** There's a chest there as well!

**Goofy:** *actual dialogue* That seems suspiciously convenient.

**Sora:** IMMA GRAB IT. *starts to swim forward*

**Donald:** *swims beside him* Okay but we all know it's a trap, right?

**Sora:** Look around us. This is a boss arena. Of course it's a fucking trap, but I gotta fill up Jiminy's journal because I'm an insane person and video games have ruined my life. Also something about wanting to be a proper pirate which means going after all treasure regardless of risk. *goes to open the chest*

**Lightning Angler:** *bursts out of the ground, swallowing Sora*

**Sora:** *bursts out of its mouth* Dafuq did I get outta that one.

**Battle with the Lightning Angler:** *is _not_ a good time to lose the ability to use Shotlock*

**Sora:** *depletes its eventually anyway* FUCK YEAH THUNDAGA.

**Lightning Angler:** *coughs up the chest, then swerves and slams into the wall behind it, creating a way out before finally dying*

**Sora:** ...Well okay then. *grabs the chest to reveal the Ocean Heartbinder* I keep fucking forgetting that summons are things.

**Ariel:** *can only be summoned on land, which is sort of odd because she's still got her tail somehow, but then again she wanted to live on the land anyway, so...*

**Sora:** *swims through one last tunnel and surfaces, running into one last grotto that houses an entire working pirate ship in excellent condition* Now _this_ is suspiciously convenient! Hopefully this isn't also a massive trap! *runs up to it with Donald and Goofy* All right, our very own ship! Now what variation of Dickbutt should we name this one...

**Jack:** Her name's the Leviathan, deal with it. *is already on board*

**Sora:** Damn it, I wanted to be captain.

**Jack:** *blows raspberry*

**Goofy:** ...The hell did you get here if you couldn't swim.

**Jack:** Please, your party members have always been able to teleport directly to your location, you know that. Alternatively, sea turtles.

**Donald:** That excuse only worked in the first two movies, then it got old!

**Sora:** Oh come on, you already have a ship!

**Jack:** As do you.

**Sora:** Well yeah, but not a _pirate_ ship!

**Jack:** Don't care, I'm the adult, I'm the more experienced one, I call the shots. You can still be part of the crew, though.

**Sora:** ...Balls. *is suddenly behind the helm* Well at least I still get to drive.

**Jack:** Y'all ready for this?

**Sora:** ...We're beached, pal.

**Jack:** So? Use your heart or some bullshit.

**Sora:** I guess. *holds onto the helm, concentrates, and suddenly the cave wall breaks apart so they can get out* THAT HAPPENED. *sails out of the cave thing easily because fuck you*

**Donald:** Our very own ship.

**Goofy:** Now we're true pirates!

**Jack:** Aye, the sea's yours to explore. Don't let this chance sail by, mates.

**Sora:** That pun was _terrible._

**Jack:** You know you loved it.

**Sora:** I really didn't. *destroys a couple of pirate ships driven by Heartless*

**Goofy:** This ship is great!

**Donald:** Yeah, she's impressive.

**Sora:** I'll be real, I'd prefer the Going Merry or the Thousand Sunny.

**Jack:** None of those ships've got anything on the Pearl, mates.

**Sora:** I _vehemently_ disagree. *destroys some more ships* Sailing on the open seas is the best!

**Goofy:** It sure is relaxing.

**Sea:** *is suddenly engulfed in fog*

**Sora and Jack:** Dafuq.

**Donald:** Wait when did that ship pull up alongside us.

**Sora:** That is a big fucking ship.

**Donald:** *draws his staff as Goofy pulls out his shield* We about to fight some more boss Heartless or what?

**Goofy:** I don't know, I see a human-shaped guy on this one. Which I know doesn't mean much.

**Sora:** Looks like an Organization hood.

**Jack:** Oh bugger.

**Luxord:** *lowers his hood and dramatically points at them* Parlay.

**Sora:** Fucking called it.

**Jack:** Well shit.

**Luxord:** I am aboard your vessel now.

**Sora:** Are you a Somebody now or did you turn back into a Nobody because of reasons?

**Luxord:** The second one. Frankly I only think I've shown up to this planet because they heard it would be back and I already knew the old layout, which is _nothing_ like the current layout so honestly I don't really know why they bothered. CARD PUN.

**Sora:** Jack, why're we listening to this person and not just immediately beating the shit out of him while we have him here?

**Donald:** Ignore the times where we didn't bother doing so with anyone else.

**Luxord:** Come on. I just want to talk. For now.

**Sora:** Exactly. It's the “For now” part that worries me. Besides, a white flag means your enemies will be easier to kill.

**Jack:** Sora, calm your tits. This is the film where we find out that the Code really is the Law and we are to obey it on pain of Keith Richards glaring at you.

**Luxord:** Ah, yes. And how could I love games and contests without honoring the rules? Because only by winning fairly does victory have any savor at all.

**Sora:** ...This is some D'Arby the Younger shit...

**Jack:** ...Maybe _I_ didn't get the memo about the Code as I think it's still more along the lines of guidelines. Then again, I _am_ just a crab clone, which could have contributed to my lack of knowledge. Anyway, what do you want?

**Luxord:** Does this film attach any importance to a box of some kind? Possibly a chest?

**Jack:** ...N-No...

**Luxord:** So it does, then.

**Jack:** This is Pirate Country. We fucking love chests here. Whose to say whether or not the one you're looking for and the one literally any pirate could be after on any given day of the week be one and the same? And the one _I_ have in mind...I can only think of the relevance it has on _this_ planet.

**Luxord:** Wanna bet?

**Jack:** ...Depends.

**Luxord:** Your ship and mine race to Port Royal. I'm allowed to summon as many Heartless ships as I want, you're allowed to fire upon my own ship as much as you want. I win, you tell me about the chest, which were that actually be allowed to happen Vexen and me would just fucking leave so a pity that your victory is the only way to progress. And speaking of your victory, I'll, Iunno, get something for you. I'll do the work so you don't have to.

**Jack:** YOU HAD ME AT HELLO.

**Sora:** FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

**Luxord:** AW YEAH, LET'S DO THIS SHIT. *teleports back onto his own ship* Aaaand...go!

**Jack:** Fucking get to your stations already, we have a race to win!

**Sora:** I think I hate you.

**Jack:** Shut up and get moving!

**Sora:** Would you slow down!?

**Jack:** Why would I bloody do that!?

**Sora:** Because even if that box isn't the specific one he's looking for, you can't let him get his hands on it – who knows what Vexen would do to it in the name of science?

**Jack:** Well since it's gonna turn out that I don't want immortality after all, I don't really care what happens to the heart as long as it means Jones is dead and Beckett isn't trying to drive me off the seas any longer.

**Sora:** *to Donald and Goofy* The real black box isn't gonna end up mattering in this game at all, is it?

**Donald:** Nope! It's all set-up!

**Goofy:** At least we can still pull one over on the Organization and get one of their members to do a favor for us.

**Sora:** Good point.

**Jack:** The fuck're you three on about.

**Sora:** Never you mind, let's just win this shit.

**Jack:** THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN – just get to your stations.

**Sora:** M'kay. *takes the helm* And now Port Royal has a convenient ring of victory around it. IGNORE THE THREE ATTEMPTS IT TOOK ME TO WIN BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW THE LAYOUT AND BECAUSE ENEMY SHIPS KEPT SLOWING ME THE FUCK DOWN.

**Jack:** We good?

**Goofy:** I finally know port from starboard!

**Donald:** So do I!

**Jack:** Not what I was asking.

**Sora:** I mean, we crossed the artificial finish line, so...

**Five massive enemy ships:** *appear in the fog*

**Luxord:** How good of an AssCreed player are you _really._ *makes all of the ships fire on the Leviathan*

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** DICK!

**Jack:** Get ready to fight back!

**Sora:** Okay I guess! *manages to destroy all the ships' weak points until he's able to board Luxord's ship*

**Luxord:** Do you remember my Gambler Nobodies, perchance? *snaps his fingers and disappears while he lets a bunch of Heartless and lesser Nobodies do the fighting for him*

**Sora:** *kills them all*

**Luxord:** *teleports back in, clapping* That was dope.

**Sora:** You cheated!

**Luxord:** Pirate.

**Sora:** I — okay.

**Donald:** Seriously, though, what the shit.

**Luxord:** It doesn't matter, you won anyway.

**Jack:** Well obviously. You never had a chance.

**Luxord:** Naturally. Now, then...What was it you wanted? I don't believe I actually asked you.

**Jack:** Aye, that's easy. I want the chest that's aboard the Dutchman.

**Goofy:** YOU DID _NOT_ JUST TELL HIM ABOUT THE THING THAT NONE OF US, INCLUDING YOU, WANTED HIM TO KNOW ABOUT.

**Jack:** Wait, what?

**Luxord:** So _that's_ where the box that we may or may not be looking for is, eh?

**Jack:** ...Did I fuck up?

**Sora:** You have failed harder than anyone could ever fail, sir. I look up to your example daily. *summons his weapon alongside Donald and Goofy*

**Jack:** ...I could've been talking about _any_ Dutchman...

**Donald:** You manipulated the easily manipulated idiot!

**Luxord:** ...Basically, yes. It really wasn't that hard.

**Sora:** You're right, we should've seen it coming.

**Luxord:** Yes you should have. *pause* Well bye. *teleports away*

**Viperflies:** *blow them back onto the Leviathan*

**Sora:** *gets up and and sees that the other ship has completely vanished* Well now what.

**Jack:** The ship's nearly fallen to bits and we need to repair her, that's what. We need to head into town, and fortunately Port Royal's just over there. *points*

**Sora:** Fiiiiine...

**Leviathan:** *is suddenly docked at Port Royal*

**Overworld music:** *is actually pretty nice and relaxing*

**Jack:** *leading the way down the dock* Right then. Crab fetch quest. Go.

**Sora:** ...Fucking what?

**Jack:** Don't question it, just roll with it. The _white_ crabs, like the ones we saw earlier. Savvy?

**Sora:** Fuck no, this sounds fucking stupid.

**Jack:** I implore you to reconsider.

**Sora:** Hmm. Okay!

**Squeenix:** Look, we put a lot of work into making Port Royal and you're gonna _fucking_ appreciate it, savvy?

**Sora:** If this weren't such a baby game for babies I would've argued in favor of Tortuga, honestly, but this is still nice enough. *while collecting crabs* ...Kind of looks like a lot of these people are homeless. And I'm just smashing things and oftentimes collecting munny. Right in front of them. Am I...Am I fucking stealing from the homeless!?

**Jack:** Probably. See, our morals go down, but our money go up.

**Sora:** Okay, just checking. *collects a bunch of crabs and also grabs all of the Hidden Mickeys and chests in Port Royal while he's there because he can* This _is_ a nice area, I can see returning here just to relax and enjoy the views. *eventually gets all the crabs he needs*

**Jack:** *is suddenly standing in front of the Leviathan with Sora, Donald, and Goofy* Okay, now to put these little buggers to work offscreen.

**Sora:** Of course.

**Jack:** And I've finished.

**Sora:** Praise be to fade-outs.

**Jack:** ...Hey Sora, why _this_ ship? It's not like it's the Pearl. Or the Jackdaw. Or the Morrigan. Or the Thousand Sunny or the Going Merry which you _did_ say you preferred.

**Sora:** Yeah but it was _there._ I would've taken _any_ ship if it meant living out this fantasy. I _adore_ the pirate aesthetic, I love the idea of sailing endlessly on the open waters...I just like the idea of _freedom._ And yeah I kinda get a sense of that while flying out in space, especially in this game, but there's just...this _weight_ to a proper ship, you know? You can actually feel the air on your face, feel the boat rock when the ocean moves around it...it just makes you feel certain things that nothing else can.

**Jack:** I wasn't asking for a bloody thesis paper, mate, I just wanted the bit about freedom. Anyway, you're the captain now I guess.

**Sora:** Why? You going somewhere?

**Jack:** Oh I was never here to begin with, and all this crab shit was just a way to distract you while everyone else was busy playing out the movie. *shits out more crabs*

**Sora:** ...Wait, what?

**Donald:** The fuck?

**Jack:** So I guess Calypso knows Jack a little _too_ well, or at least well enough to make a convincing clone. She wanted to help you lot out in case the Brethren Court decided not to free her after all, since you're her Plan B. But I did a pretty convincing job, did I not? Just roll with it, don't question it too much. Now, we will be over at Shipwreck Cove, playing out the end of the third film.

**Sora:** ...Can we join you for that at least? I feel like we missed out on, like the entirety of the movie.

**Jack:** *is glowing* And is that really so bad? Trust me, though the second and third films hold up better than anyone thought now that we have the fourth and fifth ones to compare them to (and I _liked_ the fourth one), you're still not missing much. *dissolves into light, and also crabs that spill over the edge of the dock into the fathoms below*

**Goofy:** ...What the fuck just happened.

**Donald:** I think I've finally learned to just go with it.

**Sora:** ...Okay I know this whole planet is basically just an AssCreed IV level minus the murder, and I am more than okay with that...

**Donald and Goofy:** *grin at each other*

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** But I still want to beat up a proper Disney villain for the first time this game since Olympus.

**Sora:** Oh good, we agree, let's go.

~I _literally_ started replaying Assassin's Creed IV: Black Flag while editing this section; it's still my favorite AssCreed game after Brotherhood, though granted I haven't played any past Rogue.~


	28. The Black Box Doesn't Even Fucking Matter In This Game, Why Are We Still Bringing It Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **My aromantic ass is freaking out that a couple people I follow just announced their engagement, I'm so happy for them and haven't stopped smiling for like a full day, I'm fucking weird:** _Spaceballs,_ the former Super Best Friends Play channel, _One Piece, The Lord of the Rings, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Game of Thrones, Firefly,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Square Enix.

~I am staring at the now-empty bottle of Captain Morgan that the father person bought me for Christmas and am legitimately wondering why the rum's gone.~

 **Sandbar:** *exists, and is meant to be a tiny stretch of land between the pirate armada and the East India Company, not sure if that was clear in the game*

 **Jack, Elizabeth, and Barbossa:** *are walking dramatically toward Will, Beckett, and Davy-in-a-bucket*

 **Barbossa:** *to Will* You be the cur that led these wolves to our door.

 **Beckett:** Don't blame Turner. He was merely the tool of your betrayal. If you wish to see its grand architect, look to your left.

 **Barbossa:** *looks to his left at Elizabeth and Jack*

 **Elizabeth:** *looks to her left at Jack*

 **Jack:** *looks to his left at nothing, then looks back at the other two sheepishly* My hands are clean in this. *looks at his hands* Figuratively.

 **Will:** My actions were my own and to my own purpose. Jack had nothing to do with it.

 **Jack:** Well spoken. Listen to the tool.

 **Elizabeth:** Will, I've been aboard the Dutchman. I understand the burden you bear that will never be shown in this game which is why this dialogue was trimmed down extensively, but I fear that cause is lost.

 **Will:** No cause is lost if there is but one fool left to fight for it.

 **Jack:** _Fuck_ that's a good line.

 **Beckett:** If Turner wasn't acting on your behalf, then how did he come to give me this? *holds up compass*

 **Barbossa:** *glares at it and then at Jack*

 **Davy Jones:** Your debt to me is to still to be satisfied. One hundred years in servitude aboard the Dutchman. As a start.

 **Dark Helmet:** Everybody got that?

 **Jack:** That debt was paid, mate. With some help.

 **Davy Jones:** You escaped.

 **Jack:** Technically—

 **Elizabeth:** I propose an exchange.

 **Everyone:** *looks at her*

 **Elizabeth:** Will leaves with us...and you can take Jack.

 **Barbossa:** *glares at her*

 **Davy Jones:** Done.

 **Jack:** Undone!

 **Beckett:** Done.

 **Barbossa:** *to Elizabeth* Jack's one of the nine Pirate Lords. You have no right.

 **Elizabeth:** King!

 **Jack:** ... *takes his hat off and bows* As you command, your nibs.

 **Barbossa:** Blaggard! *cuts off that weird beaded thing Jack's been wearing for the past two films and will spontaneously regain by the fourth one* If ye have something to say, I might be saying something as well.

 **Jack:** First to the finish, then? *walks off*

 **Barbossa:** *bends down and picks up Jack's Piece of Eight in lieu of putting the monkey into the game*

 **Will:** *walks forward, leaning away from Jack as they pass each other*

 **Jack:** *walks up to Beckett, who motions him over to Davy Jones, who Jack reluctantly stands next to, putting his hat back on as Jones exhales at him*

 **Davy Jones:** Do you fear death?

 **Jack:** Oh, man! I hate this deal that I didn't make!

 **Beckett:** *steps forward* Advise your Brethren. You can fight, and all of you will die, or you can not fight, in which case only most of you will die.

 **Elizabeth:** You murdered my father.

 **Beckett:** He chose his own fate.

 **Elizabeth:** And you have chosen yours. *steps forward* We will fight. And _you_ will die. *turns and walks away, Will and Barbossa following her*

 **Beckett:** So be it.

 **Jack and Davy Jones:** *kind of just stare after her*

 **Will:** King?

 **Elizabeth:** Of the Brethren Court. Courtesy of Jack.

 **Will:** Maybe he really does know what he's doing.

~I'm really digging how everyone insists on the title of King regardless of gender and how Elizabeth isn't bothered by it in the least.~

 **Game tutorial screen:** Oh and you can level up the Leviathan in order to fight better, gain a trophy, and sail the Black Pearl once the story part's over.

 **Sora:** SOLD. And even before we found that out...Okay I know we ended last chapter with the desire to beat up Davy Jones, but you two mind killing a couple hours exploring the entire planet, grabbing every chest, crab, and Hidden Mickey we can find, taking a bunch of pictures because this planet is pretty, and _then_ finishing the story section?

 **Goofy:** Like it was gonna happen any other way!

 **Donald:** Also considering you had trouble fighting the Kraken on Standard and we're now on Critical, leveling up would _not_ be the worst thing.

 **Sora:** Had a feeling.

 **Goofy:** That other Jack sure was unusual, even more than Jack usually is. A-hyuck!

 **Sora:** Honestly I couldn't tell the difference.

 **Goofy:** The real Jack and our other friends need our help!

 **Sora:** *playing with the Gummi Phone to see how many Hidden Mickeys he still needs to get* They sure do...

 **Donald:** It's time to set the ocean free.

 **Sora:** I mean, I guess...?

 **Donald:** We make the best pirates.

 **Sora:** TO REITERATE I DID NOT IN FACT BUY THE CONCERT VERSION OF THE DLC BECAUSE I FELT GUILTY ABOUT NOT PURCHASING KH MUSIC BEFORE STOP IMPLYING THAT WAS THE REASON IT IS A COMPLETE UNTRUTH. *sails out to sea* Okay, we're off!

 **Goofy:** Set sail for Shipwreck Cove!

 **Donald:** Watch out for the sharp rocks.

 **Goofy:** Yeah, I hope they don't poke a hole in the ship.

 **Sora:** You cannot physically damage this ship except by cannon fire via Heartless ships.

 **Goofy:** We can sure explore a lot at this pace.

 **Sora:** *lands on one of the islands and goes around exploring*

 **Goofy:** Hey, those rocks look like they lead up to somewhere.

 **Sora:** *goes to climb a cliff and is suddenly surrounded by Powerwilds*

 **Donald:** Oh no! Not more monkey business!

 **Sora:** I think I might kill you for that pun. *kills the Powerwilds instead, clears out the island, and eventually makes his way back to the Leviathan*

 **Donald:** Board the ship!

 **Sora:** I _am,_ jeez! *air steps to the helm* Prepare to set sail!

 **Donald:** What a nice breeze.

 **Sora:** Sailing the open seas is the best.

 **Goofy:** It sure is relaxing.

 **Donald:** Go faster! Sora, the real Jack needs us!

 **Sora:** Uh-huh. *lands on another island with a mess of sunken ships on the other side of it and dives in to swim around*

 **Donald:** A dead end?

 **Goofy:** No, look! There's a way up!

 **Sora:** *swims up and collects everything he can before heading back to the Leviathan once again*

 **Goofy:** Huh? Didn't we sail past that rock before?

 **Sora:** Yeah but I missed a chest.

 **Goofy:** Oh.

 **Donald:** The water looks turbulent in that direction.

 **Sora:** That's just because a couple of really strong ships just turned up. Also damn does it feel good to take a break from the usual hack and slash in favor of a way of leveling up that's different for once. *destroys the ships and heads to the next location*

 **Goofy:** Hey, the sandbars form a ring here.

 **Donald:** Yeah, it's like a big doughnut.

 **Sora:** We're gonna end up staying here for a while, I always end up missing a chest around here. *eventually finds everything and heads back to the ship*

 **Goofy:** Set a course, Captain Sora.

 **Sora:** Hang on, I just saw something. *sails past the arch that should have three hanging bodies on it that have been removed because this is a baby game for babies* Christ, if everyone already saw the movies then what's the point in taking them out of the game... *grabs the chest and reboards the ship* Hey we should sing a shanty.

 **Sora, Donald, and Goofy:**   
_Come aboard and bring along_  
 _All your hopes and dreams_  
 _Together we will find everything_  
 _That we're looking for_  
 _There's always room for you_  
 _If you wanna be my friend_  
 _We are, we are on the cruise_  
 _We are!_

 **Donald:** Wait why'd we seen the English version.

 **Sora:** The more covers exist as sung by not terrible people, the better.

 **Goofy:** Good point.

 **All of the white crabs:** *were collected at some point*

 **Goofy:** Wow! Look at all the new cannons.

 **Donald:** Yeah! Getting those crabs was worth it.

 **Sora:** No ship is a match for us now! Wonder how just the two of you are managing to man them all, though...Welp, only one island left, looks like.

 **Donald:** Look at those clouds!

 **Goofy:** That must be Shipwreck Cove, the place that Jack told us about.

 **Donald:** Do you need time to be prepared?

 **Goofy:** Slow and steady wins the race.

 **Sora:** Yeah. We need to go in prepared, or we'll only get in the wa—HOLY SHIT WHEN DID I HIT LEVEL FIFTY I DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE. Okay, I am completely prepared now, so let's finish the movie. Our friends are waiting for our help.

 **Goofy:** Jack said “Shipwreck Cove,” right?

 **Donald:** Yeah! Let's go!

 **Sora:** *eats a full course meal of Lobster Mousse+, Consommé+, Sea Bass en Papilote+, Beef Bourguignont+, and Berries au Fromage+ before sailing toward the last little island left on the map* Oh, cutscene, okay then.

 **Fog:** *accumulates*

 **Bigass ship with** _**gorgeous**_ **blue sails:** *cuts through the fog*

 **Sora:** ... _That's_ how you pronounce Luxord? Well that's another one I've been doing wrong for years...

 **Luxord:** Hey. Looks like they're nearly caught up with the film on this end. You do know how to make good time.

 **Sora:** What're you talking about, I just spent the past six or so hours on exploration that could've waited until after I'd finished up with the planet. Or the _game._

 **Luxord:** *ignores him* Yes, one must simply marvel at your celerity.

 **Sora:** *looks up the definition of “celerity” on his Gummi Phone* Well _I_ learned a new word today.

 **Luxord:** But your saving-people-thing _will_ fuck you over eventually. *snaps fingers*

 **Two more ships:** *appear*

 **Luxord:** ...WELL SEE YA. *peaces out through the fog*

 **Sora:** Why can't we just fight him here and get it over with, he's not gonna be one of the final bosses, is he?

 **Goofy:** ...Oh he summoned _way_ more than just two ships...

 **Donald:** Which is why we leveled the ship up completely before getting here, dumbass.

 **Sora:** Good point. *takes out most of the ships* Okay can all these ships quit teleporting right when I'm pressing triangle to use a special attack, I'd like Tidal Wave to land at least one fucking time. *destroys the last one* Ooooh, Waterga, nice!

 **Surface of Carribean:** *looks like it's smoking with darkness*

 **Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *are panting heavily*

 **Sora:** He's gonna try and steal the chest right in the middle of the climax.

 **Goofy:** ...So maybe we should _stop him!?_

 **Donald:** Nah, that doesn't make any sense.

 **Sora:** Tough, doing it anyway. *stops at that one last tiny islands to save and drop off materials at the Moogle*

 **Leviathan:** *is suddenly one ship among many*

 **Sora:** *sees the Pearl and pulls up alongside it*

 **Will and Elizabeth:** *were looking sadly over the side of the Pearl until they saw the Leviathan*

 **Sora:** *calling over* ARE YOU OKAY?

 **Will:** NOPE! Also how are you alive.

 **Sora:** No idea, but we're all spontaneously on the deck of the Pearl now, leaving the Leviathan entirely unmanned I guess, what the shit.

 **Elizabeth:** We've all been quite worried about you, which is why we abandoned you all without a second thought.

 **Sora:** *looks down and sees a bunch of crabs* For fuck's sake, I've already leveled the ship up to max. Also where's Jack and Tia Dalma. And also Gibbs I guess.

 **Elizabeth:** Yeah, you missed over half the film again. This'll be slightly more grating than other planets since the plot of this one is so fucking complicated...or less so since people don't care as much, take your pick.

 **Will:** Jack's been...let's just say _taken_ by Cutler Beckett.

 **Elizabeth:** Exactly, I didn't trade him for Will at any point, why would you even suggest that?

 **Sora:** Every denial you make always seems oddly specific—

 **Elizabeth:** *hastily* Beckett controls Jones and therefore his ship.

 **Will:** Barbossa thought we could fight by releasing the goddess of the sea, Calypso.

 **Sora:** You can just summon gods now?

 **Will:** ...Yeah, it's like, the entire plot of this movie, keep up. Also said goddess was Tia Dalma this whole time. You missed out on her turning into a Titan with the ropes they'd tied her up in only barely covering her because this is rated PG-13. And then she sort of just exploded into crabs – not even those white ones, they looked normal – and they all fell overboard and abandoned us. Which is why we were all sulking when you came aboard, I guess.

 **Crabs:** *still exist*

 **Will:** Yeah, for some reason a literal _god_ refused to do a bunch of measly humans' bidding.

 **Sora:** Strange that no one thought that trying to force a black woman to follow a bunch of white men's orders might be seen as a bad look.

 **Barbossa:** *behind them* You do realize what time period ye be trapped in.

 **Goofy:** Huh boy.

 **Barbossa:** So yeah, we've all basically abandoned hope.

 **Donald:** Oh good.

 **Sora:** *is having a flashback*

 **Tia Dalma:** Use dat key to free me, Sora, and you have my most certain promise – all de power on de sea you ever wished for be yours.

 **Sora:** *thinking internally* Wow. That amounted to absolutely fucking nothing. Thought it does explain who was helping us, I guess... *looks down at crabs* But why would she help us in the first place aside from bribing us as her Plan B? Why would she _continue_ to help us? And why is she being treated as so fickle and flaky other than the infantalizing stereotype of women never being able to make up their own minds about anything? *speaking audibly again* ...So what about that whole war thing you lot were originally going for? Also when I say “the sea belongs to everyone” I am _not_ talking about the woman of color personification, I am talking about the actual, physical body of water, savvy?

 **Will, Elizabeth, and Barbossa:** Reaction shots!

 **Donald:** I feel like you stole my line at some point.

 **Sora:** Even if I did, it's probably not that unique of a thing to say.

 **Goofy:** The joke is that you're stupid because you don't pay attention.

 **Sora:** Stop saying things that are true.

 **Donald:** ...No?

 **Elizabeth:** *looks up at the stormy weather, as to Gibbs and Barbossa* Because of your words, I am now inspired to do the thing that I was going to do anyway regardless of whether or not you were involved. It's not over.

 **Will:** There's still a fight to be had.

 **Gibbs:** We've an armada against us, and with the Dutchman, there's no chance.

 **Elizabeth:** There's only a fool's chance. 

**Barbossa:** Revenge won't bring your father back, Miss Swan—

 **Sora:** Wait, your dad died!? Shit, I'm sorry.

 **Donald:** ...We were there, we saw the ghost thing. We must have.

 **Sora:** If it wasn't shown onscreen, it didn't happen.

 **Barbossa:** *ignoring them* —and it's not something I'm intending to die for.

 **Elizabeth:** *turns to him* You're right. *walks a bit and turns back to him again* Then what _shall_ we die for. *starts walking* Every single ship in our armada will now be spontaneously be able to hear me. STARTING NOW! *climbs onto the edge of the ship and grabs one of the ropes* The Brethren will still be looking here to us, to the Black Pearl, to lead. And what will they see? Frightened bilge rats aboard a derelict ship? No, they will see free men, and freedom! And what the enemy will see is the flash of our cannons! They will hear the ring of our swords and they will know what we can do! By the sweat of our brows, and the strength of our backs, and the courage of our hearts. Gentlemen...Hoist the colors.

 **Will:** Hoist the colors.

 **Sora:** Hoist the colors!

 **Gibbs:** Aye. The wind's on our side, boys! That's all we need!

 **Crew of the Pearl:** *cheers*

 **What should be a montage of every other pirate crew hoisting their own colors:** *doesn't exist because video games are hard*

 **Donald:** ...Do you think Sora's aware that we're about to actually help murder a fuckton of real people?

 **Goofy:** First of all, Clayton, second of all, you know it somehow doesn't count if it's war.

 **Donald:** I really feel like it does...

 **English armada:** *shows up*

 **Davy Jones:** 'Sup.

 **Elizabeth:** *is back on deck, flanked by Will and Barbossa*

 **The Black Pearl and the Leviathan:** *start sailing straight for the whirlpool that's suddenly there, and enter it because why the fuck not*

 **Flying Dutchman:** *does the same, readying the cannons*

 **Black Pearl:** *also readies the cannons, taking the first shot*

 **Sora:** *at the helm of the Leviathan, watching the two ships firing at each other* ...Okay this might be a little more than I bargained for.

 **Luxord:** *Apparating in behind him* Ya think?

 **Sora:** Oh hey Luxord. You gonna contribute, or...?

 **Luxord:** Just checking out the Dutchman from a relatively safe distance. Didn't want to risk my own ship.

 **Sora:** So considering that this particular black chest thing has the heart of someone who's still somehow alive within it, is it in fact the box you're looking for?

 **Luxord:** Pfft, I don't fucking know. No one does. Well, Xigbar and Nomura, but no one else at this stage of the game. Hell, Xigbar only told us about it because he's scared Maleficent'll get there first. All I know is that I'm to get whatever matches that description.

 **Sora:** ...Well that sounds vaguely annoying. How many games do you think we'll have to go through before we find out what's in it?

 **Luxord:** I'm going with about two more titles as a conservative estimate. The only clue we got is that the box contains “hope.” Hope for _who,_ specifically, is still unknown.

 **Sora:** Is _that_ meant to be our Final Fantasy rep?

 **Luxord:** ...What the fuck are you talking about.

 **Sora:** Hope? From FFXIII?

 **Luxord:** ...I legitimately forgot all about those games.

 **Sora:** Most people did.

 **Luxord:** But no, I don't think so. Or at least I hope not.

 **Sora:** Well my only other guess is that it really _is_ Pandora's Box.

 **Luxord:** Maybe? Except not because Maleficent and Pete already found and discarded it. At this point I refuse to speculate further until we have more clues or are told directly, since even Nomura says we're overthinking things. *looks over at the Dutchman* ...Yeah I'm not risking myself in this weather. Oh and by the way I can summon the Kraken now. *snaps his fingers*

 **Black Pearl:** *is hoisted up by the Kraken's tentacles*

 **Gibbs:** Fer fuck's sake, I thought this thing was dead! *runs out of the way as a bunch of tentacles slam into the deck*

 **Barbossa:** You really believe they'd go to the trouble of including this planet and _not_ giving Sora a crack at the Kraken? *grips the helm as the Pearl is lifted up*

 **Sora:** Huh boy.

 **Luxord:** Okay, this should make things marginally safer, I'm out. *Disapparates*

 **Sora:** ...What the fuck is going on.

 **Donald:** Who cares, the movie plot's a little more important right now.

 **Goofy:** We got a maelstrom, a whirlpool, a giant sea monster, and an undead pirate captain to deal with. I suggest we deal with the sea monster first for the sake of getting back our back-up.

 **Sora:** Good plan, sorry I zoned out for a second there. *runs back to the helm and starts firing on the mass of tentacles holding up the Pearl, pausing to occasionally fire at the Dutchman when she starts popping off at the Leviathan and/or the Pearl*

 **Jack:** I got the chest offscreen, hurray.

 **Luxord:** *Apparates in* Hey cool, gimme.

 **Jack:** ...The terms of our earlier deal was that I get it, because it was what I wanted. So no.

 **Luxord:** Okay, let's try another parl—

 **Jack:** *shoves his finger in Luxord's face* Not falling for that one again, mate.

 **Luxord:** ...You technically weren't even there the first time.

 **Jack:** Mate, we got so many weather problems and an undying pirate captain I'm finally able to kill. I do _not_ have time for your bullshit right now. Oh, but do you want to know how I got of Will at one point earlier in the film?

 **Luxord:** Not particularly—

 **Jack:** *exhales in his face*

 **Luxord:** _Shit_ you people need a dentist. *falls backward into the whirlpool below*

 **Jack:** *tests his breath for some reason and rightfully finds it appalling. Why do people want to fuck this character again?* Suck it. *walks back and crosses paths with Jones* ...Oh bugger.

 **Davy Jones:** Jack Sparrow. Are you lost? Prisoners don't belong on deck. Your station is in the brig!

 **Jack:** ...Run away! *runs away*

 **Sora:** We've somehow caught up! *jumps aboard the Dutchman with Donald and Goofy and summons his Keyblade*

 **Jack:** Oooh, what're you gonna do now?

 **Davy Jones:** Partake in what feels like the only boss fight in the whole game where you actually get to directly fight a Disney villain because no one remembers Olympus, I guess.

 **Sora:** ...Fuck, Olympus really _was_ a long time ago, wasn't it. *beats up Jones while he's pondering this*

 **This fight:** *is indeed immensely satisfying*

 **Davy Jones:** *at one point teleports onto the crow's nest and summons the Kraken again, giving everyone six new targets to contend with while he takes a breather*

 **Sora:** Bitch I know magic. Also Oblivion's a badass Keyblade, even without the DLC I'm thankful for the upgrade, this game somehow keeps getting more and more fun to play every time. Also also why are some of the tentacles reaching through the deck of the ship, that's just cheating.

 **Davy Jones:** *appearing back on deck* Pirate!

 **Sora:** Right, right, I keep forgetting... *eventually beats him*

 **Jack:** Care to surrender?

 **Davy Jones:** *lunges forward and starts swordfighting him some more* I don't care that you depleted my health bar, I want me chest back!

 **Sora:** Wait why aren't we helping. *starts to run forward*

 **Davy Jones:** Oh piss off already.

 **Kraken:** *whacks the deck a few times, distracting Sora, Donald, and Goofy*

 **Flying Dutchman and Black Pearl:** *are circling each other, because they have to, because whirlpool*

 **Jack and Davy Jones:** *are suddenly up in the rigging doing that one iconic sword fight from the film*

 **Flying Dutchman and Black Pearl:** *are so close now that their masts get entangled which is probably a euphemism of some kind*

 **Jack:** *throws the chest he was carrying onto the deck of the Dutchman*

 **Will:** *swings over from the Pearl and grabs it*

 **Kraken:** *whacks him with a tentacle to make him drop it because they didn't model in any of Jones's crew or the monkey for that matter*

 **Davy Jones:** *goes for the chest before he's stopped by Jack and they cross blades again*

 **Jack:** *runs behind a thing* HA!

 **Davy Jones:** *walks right through the thing*

 **Jack:** ...M'kay. *tries to bring his sword down on Jones, who catches it in his claw and snaps the blade, shoving Jack aside before going for the chest again*

 **Elizabeth:** Yeah no. *jumps in front of the chest*

 **Davy Jones:** Harridan! You'll see no mercy from me!

 **Elizabeth:** That's why I brought this! *draws her sword but is knocked aside as Will regains consciousness*

 **Davy Jones:** *is about to finish off Elizabeth but Will stabs him from behind where his heart formally resided in his chest cavity* Have you considered that I have other organs you could have punctured? Not that that would have worked either, probably, but it would've been worth a shot and made you seem like less of a complete fucking idiot. *roundhouse kicks him into the side of the ship*

 **Elizabeth:** *regains consciousness, pushing her hair out of her face*

 **Will:** ...Well this isn't good.

 **Davy Jones:** *looks between Will and Elizabeth* Ah...love. A dreadful bond. And yet...so easily severed.

 **Sora:** I'm back in the movie now!

 **Davy Jones:** WHY.

 **Sora:** *is flanked by Donald and Goofy* I may still have a lot to learn about love, but I know what it means to share my heart with others. Because there are literally three other hearts taking refuge in mine right now. And it will take more than you to break a bond like that.

 **Davy Jones:** *scoffs* What does a fifteen-year-old who barely interacts with his girlfriend and has way more chemistry with his boyfriend know about the heart?

 **Jack:** Mate, this kid's traveled to other planets, he's more world weary than either of us.

 **Davy Jones:** So what? *turns his back on them and points his sword at Will* Tell me, William Turner, do you fear death?

 **Jack:** Do you? *holding a knife pointed down at the open chest because Merlin forbid you show an actual beating heart in a series where the word heart is in the fucking title*

 **Vexen:** Wait they meant the actual physical organ this whole time? This somehow no longer interests me in the slightest. I am convinced now that this isn't the box we're looking for even though we have no idea what we're looking for, and will now continue in my mission to help out the good guys in secret. See you, Luxord. *Disapparates*

 **Jack:** Heady tonic, holding life and death in the palm of one's hand.

 **Davy Jones:** You're a cruel man, Jack Sparrow.

 **Jack:** Cruel is a matter of perspective.

 **Sora:** Fuck yourself.

 **Davy Jones:** What he said, honestly. Also check this shit out. *turns and stabs Will in the chest before Jack can do anything*

 **Sora:** ...Disregarding the part where I know Cura/have a Kupo coin in my possession, I just watched a man die, didn't I. *screams and launches himself at Jones, him, Donald, and Goofy tackling him and wrestling him away from Will*

 **Jack:** *stares dumbfounded at what he is witnessing, looking between Will and the heart*

 **Sora:** *punches down at Jones's head LIKE A FUCKING BOSS*

 **Elizabeth:** *frantically grabs at Will's face* Damn it, we _just_ got hitched while the Kraken was attacking! How'm I gonna get that sweet, sweet elvish dick if you're dead, huh!?

 **Davy Jones:** *throws Sora, Donald, and Goofy off of him* You will not forestall the judgment! *feels a sharp pain and looks behind in shock to see Jack having used Will's hand to stab the heart* ...Well this sucks. *falls off the Dutchman into the whirlpool below*

 **Barbossa:** *from the helm of the Pearl* ...FUCKING MOVE!?

 **Elizabeth:** *still crying over Will*

 **Sora:** Jack, I know he has a stab wound in the heart, but can't we pull something out of our ass at the last minute to save him? It worked on a different planet!

 **Jack:** ..I literally did just that. By using Will's hand to stab the heart, I've made _Will_ the new immortal captain of the Dutchman. And no I don't know why they looked over the technicality that I was actually the one who stabbed it, don't question it and be grateful that he'll live to be in the last two _Hobbit_ films.

 **Sora:** ...And now I'm sad for a different reason.

 **Jack:** *puts his hand on Elizabeth's shoulder* Elizabeth, say good-bye. *ends up having to drag her away from the not-quite-dead body*

 **Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** *reluctantly follow*

 **Flying Dutchman:** *sinks into the whirlpool*

 **Black Pearl:** *slowly makes her way to safety*

 **Sora, Donald, Goofy, Jack, and Elizabeth:** *are inexplicably back on the Pearl with far calmer weather conditions*

 **Gibbs:** Thank goodness, Jack. The armada's still out there. The Endeavor's coming up hard to starboard, and I think it's time we embrace that oldest and noblest of Joestar traditions.

 **Jack:** Never actually been one for tradition. *climbs a bit higher* In we go!

 **Beckett on presumably the Endeavor:** All I have to do is harrumph and the cannons will be readied.

 **Cannons:** *are readied at Beckett's harrumph*

 **Beckett:** It's nothing personal, Jack. It's just good business.

 **Black Pearl:** *is alone, suddenly facing the armada*

 **Jack:** ...Wait, do you hear something?

 **Elizabeth:** Maybe?

 **Dutchman:** *rises up from the depths*

 **Will:** *is sporting a new character model that will be abandoned during the credits for some reason and takes the helm* I'M NOT QUITE DEAD! I THINK I'LL GO FOR A WALK! I FEEL HAPPY! I FEEL HAPPY! READY THE GUNS, NONEXISTENT CREW THAT NO LONGER CONTAINS MY FATHER!

 **Elizabeth:** I'm splooshing all over!

 **Jack:** Full canvas!

 **Barbossa:** What he said! *pulls up alongside the Endeavor with Will pulling up the Dutchman on the other side*

 **Beckett:** Wait what the fuck is happening.

 **Jack:** Fire!

 **Gibbs:** Fire!

 **Will:** Fire!

 **Barbossa:** Fire!

 **Sora:** Air!

 **Donald:** Water!

 **Goofy:** Earth!

 **Endeavor:** *starts getting decimated*

 **Beckett:** *staring at the wreckage even as screams of terror are heard and one visible crewman is terrified for his life* Wait I thought this was a baby game for babies.

 **Black Pearl and Flying Dutchman:** *continue to double team the Endeavor*

 **Becket:** ...Yep. Sora, Donald, and Goofy, who never even met me, just helped murder a fuckton of random military personnel. Cheerfully.

 **Sora:** It would all be fine, but then they let me murder people. I didn't _have_ to, but it was so cool! It made me feel like a big man!

 **Endeavor:** *sinks*

 **Hats:** *are thrown into the air by the crew of the Pearl as they cheer*

 **Donald and Goofy:** *celebrate behind Barbossa and give people who make out of context KH montages more ammunition than could ever be thought possible*

 **Sora:** I feel like we should've made more HeroAca jokes considering the ship's name was fucking _Endeavor_ but oh well. *looks over at Elizabeth, who's staring wistfully out to sea*

 **Gibbs:** The Flying Dutchman must have a captain. Just wed, and now she and Cap'n Turner must live in different worlds. One day ashore, ten years at sea. It's a steep price.

 **Sora:** ...I never understood why she couldn't visit him at sea whenever she wanted. Women can be pirates too, this is known.

 **Donald and Goofy:** It is known.

 **Gibbs:** *ignores them and walks up to Elizabeth* Your booty call—er, chariot awaits, Your Highness. *motions over to a prepared rowboat* The oars are inside.

 **Sora:** Wait, is she a Disney Princess™ now as well?

 **Jack:** No, much more better – she's actually the Pirate King.

 **Sora:** You mean she found the One Piece while she was offscreen!? Can she tell us what it is? Oh _please_ say it's the poneglyph that details the Lost Century, I'd be so gratified to be right—

 **Elizabeth:** Shut up, everyone needs to see me off with full knowledge that I'm about to have sex with not them.

 **Barbossa:** _Mrs._ Turner.

 **Elizabeth:** Cute callback, ya prick.

 **Donald:** Bye. Have good sex!

 **Goofy:** Hope ya get impregnated on the first go so we can have a hopeful post-credits scene and a shitty fifth movie!

 **Sora:** I'm just not gonna say anything.

 **Elizabeth:** Good for you, know your place. *walks up to Jack* Jack...It would've never worked out between us, darling. I'm sorry.

 **Jack:** You catty bitch! *grins as he watches her leave*

 **Sora:** One day isn't enough time.

 **Jack:** Oh, there's always enough time for hearts to say what's true. Sora, you know better than anyone. It only takes a moment to connect with your mates...with your _hearties._

 **Sora:** *surveys the crew of the Pearl and also Barbossa, Donald, and Goofy* Oh fuck right off with that wordplay. Also what the fuck am I talking about, each time I go to a new planet I usually spend _less_ than a full day there...Also also I'll get everyone back eventually, is I guess the lesson I'm supposed to take away from this.

 **Leviathan:** *was parked behind them; it lights up and then explodes into thousands of white crabs despite the ship itself still being available to sail whenever you return to this planet*

 **Black Pearl and Flying Dutchman:** *exists*

 **Caribbean title card:** Well that AssCreed break sure was a fun one, wasn't it.

 **Wheel of Fate Keyblade:** *exists*

~Listen I know it's a good Keyblade but I was too taken by Crystal Snow the first time and now Ultima, Oathkeeper, and Oblivion exist so I never really gave myself the chance to use it much.~


	29. Did You Know That If You Commit War Crimes People Will Instantly Forgive You If You Feel Bad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Hey KHUX is ending in May which means I can finally get around to writing the fucking parody of that game but also wHO THE FUCK CARES BECAUSE YUFFIE HOLY FUCKING SHIT I'M SO FUCKING HAPPY sucks that I can't play as her on the PS4 but wHO THE FUCK CARES YUFFIE:** The former Super Best Friends Play channel, Dragon Ball Z Abridged, _Archer, Family Guy, Kung Pow: Enter the Fist,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Square Enix.

~OH HEY CHARACTERS I GIVE A SHIT ABOUT I FORGOT THOSE EXISTED.~

**Axel:** *is sitting on a rock, gazing into the sunset and posing for a desktop wallpaper that I had for a while*

**Kairi:** FASHION SHOW GET HYPE.

**Axel:** *checks out her outfit* ...Merlin designed that?

**Kairi:** Yeah, why?

**Axel:** ...Skirt part seems a little short. It honestly looks like you're sacrificing practicality for the sake of looking cute. Unless you're cool with probable constant panty shots.

**Kairi:** Considering I'm wearing impossibly short shorts under it, I'm fine with upskirt shots.

**Axel:** Wait, really?

**Kairi:** No idea, just go with it.

**Axel:** Done and done. Cut your hair, too?

**Kairi:** Yeah, I did it myself. Does the fringe look all right?

**Axel:** ...S-Sure.

**Kairi:** You hate it.

**Axel:** I think the outfit's cute, I hate _everything_ about the hair.

**Kairi:** Poop.

**Axel:** But it _is_ good for something you managed to cut and style on your own; I'm just not personally a fan of that particular hairstyle. Also the fringe will still suck when we're back in in-game graphics. Also also who gives a fuck what I think, it's _you're_ body, do whatever the fuck you want with it as long as you're comfortable.

**Kairi:** I think I _will_ adjust the fringe later, if only to get it out of my face a little more. But I'm pretty happy with the rest of it. You're right, I _am_ comfortable in this outfit. And also I want Sora to check out my sweet gam-gams.

**Axel:** That will not be difficult to accomplish, I assure you.

**Kairi:** Sweet. So, your turn!

**Axel:** *looks down at his Organization coat* Maybe in the final cutscenes of the initial game.

**Kairi:** You've been wearing the same thing for like three or four games straight, pal. Don't you _want_ a redesign that also somehow functions as Number Go Up?

**Axel:** I get that, but, well, I'm comfortable in this. Plus this is how you pick me out of a crowd.

**Kairi:** No it isn't, over half the crowd we're up against will be wearing the same thing. You're actually making it _harder_ to pick you out of a crowd.

**Axel:** Yeah but the hair.

**Kairi:** Ah. *pause* ...You're afraid Xion won't recognize you if you change your look too much, aren't you.

**Axel:** Who?

**Kairi:** No idea. *sits down next to him and they both stare out into the sunset* The Hyperbolic Time Chamber's session is almost up apparently, even though supposedly we have infinite time in here which kind of makes me wonder how old we are at this point and also why Sora and Riku never got the chance to train here.

**Axel:** Tell me about it.

**Kairi:** *puts a hand to her chest* Somewhere inside me is Naminé. If we can free Roxas, we can free her too.

**Axel:** I'd get two friends back! Sort of. I helped Naminé out in the end but was kind of a dick to her up until that point.

**Kairi:** Naminé was born when Sora stabbed himself in the chest to get me out of him. As was Roxas, which I kind of feel like that sort of makes them our kids maybe; an argument could be made that they're siblings, maybe.

**Axel:** I disagree but I can see where that interpretation comes from.

**Kairi:** Now that Naminé's back inside me, where I thought she belonged, I figured we'd tied up at least a couple of loose ends. But she was a fully separate person from me, unlike most of the rest of you when you became Nobodies. She had her own completely separate experiences from me, that I feel I am now robbing from her. She can't look at this forest, feel the wind on her face, none of it. And if she could, it would be different for her; she might prefer sunrises, or hate the forest aesthetic in general. Her time was short, but she lived it, and that makes it hers. What right did I have to take those feelings and experiences back? They don't belong to me. Nothing's as it should be.

**Axel:** ...I'm gonna go to a weird place here...You're not pro forced birth, are you?

**Kairi:** Of fucking course I'm not, I'm talking about people who actually _existed._

**Axel:** Okay, just checking, sorry about that.

**Kairi:** No, totally, I see how that speech could've been taken out of context.

**Axel:** M'kay. Hey, you know how we're both from Radiant Garden originally?

**Kairi:** It's still kind of an abstract concept for me but I do understand in theory, yes.

**Axel:** Well, over eleven years ago, I met a kid roughly my age who I'd never seen before. I made fun of his weapon, not knowing about Keyblades at the time and not knowing that fucking wooden practice ones existed. Then he whooped my ass, we exchanged names and had a brief laugh together, and then I never fucking saw him again. I – _I_ , of all people – nearly forgot about him, which I think is frankly understandable; you meet someone just the one time for so brief a period, it's rare that you remember them forever, even though that used to basically be my whole deal. Then Roxas showed up a decade later, looking _exactly_ like the other person I'd met. His face, his voice, just his personality and clothes were different. And of course I didn't tell Roxas about any of this because I'm pretty sure BBS hadn't come out at that point and Nomura's totally making this up as he goes along. 'Course, the in-universe reason for supposedly not telling him is apparently that I didn't want Roxas to fuck off and I'd never see him again. AND LOOK WHERE WE ARE NOW!

**Kairi:** Yaaaaay.

**Axel:** But yeah, Keyblade. The kid I'm talking about, Ventus, is one of the people we're looking for. And apparently he was in a coma in Castle Oblivion the whole fucking time, the bastard, how many times had I been sent to that place!? Also I'm somewhat worried that Ven won't remember me, either, just like how I nearly forgot him...

**Kairi:** Assuming the coma didn't cause brain damage, no time will have really passed for him, so he would've actually met you fairly recently. And while you're clearly older, you're hair's still long, red, and spiky, and you still have the same voice. He'll probably recognize you no problem, assuming that he doesn't have amnesia again.

**Axel:** That's a nice thought. Less nice is the thought that we've only got one more Disney planet to go through before the final confrontation. I don't want to be in a battle, but waiting on the edge of one I can't escape is even worse.

**Kairi:** Don't worry. _Look_ at all this development I've been getting. Not only will I be important as more than just a thing for Sora and/or Riku to rescue, I _guarantee_ you I'll be kicking some serious ass this time. Otherwise what the ever-living _fuck_ was the point in any of this!?

**Axel:** *doesn't answer, just looks off into the sunset with her* Still a bit weirded out that I'm basically training to murder everyone at my old place of work.

**Kairi:** Hey yeah, you doing okay?

**Axel:** Well I've actually been working on being more forgiving of myself, especially since you've been so forgiving of me after everything I did. I think if you kill your boss, but then you forgive yourself for past sins, you still have a job.

**Kairi:** But I don't think you can walk into work the next day.

**Axel:** Says you.

~I AM SO FUCKING GLAD RE:MIND EXISTS SO KAIRI DOENS'T COMPLETELY FUCKING SUCK ANYMORE.~

**Beach in the realm of Darkness:** *exists*

**Demon Tower:** *also exists*

**Riku and Mickey:** X-STRIKE! *slash at the Demon Tower and land on opposite ends of the beach*

**Demon Tower:** *aims for Riku, who dodges, ducks, and then jumps away at the last minute so they just descend through the sand and pop up again behind him*

**Mickey:** DOOOOOOOOODGE!

**Riku:** *uses Block instead and gets pushed down, sliding across the sand, his new Keyblade slipping out of his hands and vanishing* … _OW!?_

**Mickey:** *reaches out to him* Why...didn't...you... *gets swarmed by the Demon Tower from below as they lift him into the air* _FUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuuu_ uuuuuu...

**Mickey's Keyblade:** *falls to the ground and does _not_ vanish for some reason*

**Riku:** *is still on the ground, staring at the Demon Tower* Way to take your own advice, dipshit. *sighs* I know time moves differently here but I still hope that it doesn't take an entire fucking Disney planet and several hours of leveling before this battle finally ends...

~Considering the way I play JRPGs it's a sheer miracle Mickey and Riku aren't fucking dead by the time Sora finally gets there.~

**The Seeker of Darkness:** *steps out of a Dark Corridor in front of the mansion in Twilight Town...the Haunted Mansion shout-out _just_ sunk in for me, I am so unbelievably slow sometimes*

**Ansem the Wise:** *follows him, the Dark Corridor closing behind him*

**The Seeker of Darkness:** *leads him toward the mansion*

**Hayner, Pence, and Olette:** *are hiding behind a tree*

**Pence:** How fucking long have we been here.

**Hayner:** *covers Pence's mouth* Quiet, you. Now, these two are clearly powerful beings, and I don't have any of my Struggle gear, nor does Olette have that bat with the nails in it from the manga, and there's no telling whether or not Sora's back in town. LET'S GO BOTHER THEM!

**Pence and Olette:** OKAY! *creep forward after him*

**Hayner:** *hides behind one wall and the other two go behind the other on either side of the gate the two Ansems had just walked through*

**Ansem the Wise:** *stops walking*

**The Seeker of Darkness:** *also stops walking and turns to him* Hey, we're kind of on a tight schedule here, could you not.

**Ansem the Wise:** I don't know if I'm aware of the kids' presence or not, but I do wish to stare morosely at Naminé's old room for a moment if that's cool with you. Also I don't want to participate in any more human experiments or whatever you're planning on forcing me to do; my body count is already in the tens of thousands from Radiant Garden alone.

**The Seeker of Darkness:** No arguments here. Any other universe and you'd be arrested for fucking war crimes; I'm getting increasingly sick of long-time villains getting forgiven at the last minute in Japanese media and being accepted back into society with zero fucking consequences. All I'm asking you to do is suffer some _actual_ fucking consequences and at least make up for one life you fucked over.

**Ansem the Wise:** Yeah, about that. You mentioned a girl, but it's possible that there were so many people in general, not all of them male, that I'd fucked over in my mad quest for knowledge, to the point where none of them fucking stand out for me anymore. And since you refuse to even describe the appearance of the one you have a vested interest in, there's a chance that I _legitimately don't know who you're talking about._ I just know that one day there was a cage with a subject in it and one day there wasn't, so I decided to shut everything down so no one would believe the victim if they came forward I mean Mickey told me that human experimentation was bad so I stopped.

**The Seeker of Darkness:** ... _Fuck_ you're twisted. Like, speaking of consequences, I thought that us banishing you to wherever might mellow you out a little, but you still treated Roxas and Naminé as blank test subjects and dehumanized them at every possible opportunity. Like, what the actual fuck, man. That's why I don't really believe you when you say you don't know where that one girl is now: _Because I don't trust you._ Now get inside and pull up all your research; I'm trusting you to use the computer in a way that doesn't delete everything at once before we can even access it.

**Ansem the Wise:** Roxas and Naminé...If there is any reason that I still draw breath, it is to atone for what I did to them. Not to anyone else, who cares about any of the other people I fucked over.

**Pence:** Okay I heard Roxas's name, that must mean that this person is entirely trustworthy and not a bad person in any way.

**Hayner:** Agreed.

**Olette:** I say we save him and never ask him anything that actually pertains to Roxas ever.

**Hayner and Pence:** Right, let's do this.

**Ansem the Wise:** Exactly what are you planning to do with that girl, anyway?

**The Seeker of Darkness:** That kid's probably connected to UX in some way, and if not we at least need to set up a sequel.

**Ansem the Wise:** Exactly how many of these are there going to be!?

**The Seeker of Darkness:** This title was the fastest selling PS4 game of 2019. They're _never_ gonna stop making this shit. *grabs Ansem the Wise's shoulder and starts forcing him toward the mansion*

**Pence:** *runs into view* I thought the Last Jedi was really good, actually!

**Both Ansems:** *stop and look at each other as if they're supposed to argue that or something*

**Pence:** Also Captain Marvel was great!

**The Seeker of Darkness:** Who are you and why do you keep stating the obvious at us?

**Pence:** ...Huh. Thought the obvious villains would also turn out to be fun-hating trolls. Anyway, looking for a buddy of mine, you seen anyone around here?

**Olette:** How did I get over the wall. *hides behind a pillar* Damn, their peripheral vision's garbage.

**The Seeker of Darkness:** Here's an idea, how 'bout you fuck off.

**Pence:** Aw come on, I _know_ they came this way at some point! *begins to walk forward*

**The Seeker of Darkness:** Why do I sound genuinely afraid of you, this is kinda weird. Anyway, _please_ fuck off. I'm not a fan of you. *also starts moving forward*

**Olette:** *grabs Ansem the Wise's arm* C'mon, let's phase through that brick wall over there! *pulls him away*

**The Seeker of Darkness:** *shockingly notices* Stop, don't, come back.

**Hayner:** *leaps into view and starts running for the Seeker of Darkness* Time for the ultimate trailer shot, motherfuckers! _LEROOOOOOY!_ *aims a flying kick at the Seeker of Darkness's head*

**The Seeker of Darkness:** *rolls eyes* Come, Guardian.

**Guardian:** Phrasing. *pops up and grabs Hayner in midair, holding him upside down by the torso*

**Hayner:** ...Jenkins?

**Pence:** Nice going, idiot.

**Guardian:** *throws Hayner at a brick wall that cannot, in fact, be phased through*

**Weird white snakes:** *wrap around Hayner before he hits the wall, cushioning him but also tying him up so I sort of thought Roxas had a bondage kink or something*

**The Seeker of Darkness:** ...Dafuq.

**More white snakes:** *slither in to view and turn into dusks*

**Pence:** Damn it, I was gonna make a joke about there being a bunch of white ropey stuff around the Come Guardian.

**Hayner:** As one of them is still wrapped around me, I gotta say that I don't much care for that joke. *is suddenly untied as the one around him turns into another Dusk* ...Not gonna lie, I legitimately thought _Roxas_ was the one helping us out at this moment the first time I played the game.

**Pence:** *grabs his arm* Yeah that's a sweet sentiment and all but we gotta _move._

**Hayner:** Right, sorry! *gets up and starts running away with Pence, Ansem the Wise, and Olette nowhere to be seen*

**The Seeker of Darkness:** *looks around at the Dusks* I thought you were part of the Organization too, what gives. Unless there's a traitor in our midst, which is more than likely, Marluxia and Larxene already tried that once, or it could even be someone else. Welp, time to write it off as Roxas and/or Axel and never follow up on it ever!

**Ansem the Wise and Olette:** *stop in the middle of the sewers to catch their breath*

**Hayner and Pence:** *join them*

**Olette:** Yes I know we should've ran all the way into town for the sake of the illusion of public places being safe but the jokes are that girls don't have endurance and that old people are old.

**Hayner:** That's okay, the final boss from the first game is having trouble with the second weakest starting enemies from the second game so we're basically safe forever, he'll never come after us now.

**Pence:** Evidently no one knows the twists and turns of Twilight Town better than us even though this sewer's a straight line, the tunnel system's blocked off, and we can't even access the hideout or the sandlot anymore much less the other half of the planet.

**Ansem the Wise:** Hey. I made clones of you three in a computer simulation once so you could hang out with Roxas before I basically sent him off to die.

**Hayner:** Neat.

**Pence:** Finally, we can get some answers about all that alternate universe shit. *takes out the photo of all four friends*

**Olette:** So yeah, we were friends with this one person in a computer simulation except we weren't because that wasn't us and that never happened and frankly I don't know why we spontaneously care so much beyond Hayner thinking Roxas looks hot.

**Hayner:** And I wanna see if the personality matches the looks, so could you tell us about him a little? Like if I could ever experiment with a possible twin fetish, maybe?

**Even:** Where the fuck did that even come from, was that just thrown in because Ventus exists? *enters behind him*

**Hayner:** EVERYONE WITH THAT JACKET IS EVIL EXCEPT THIS ONE PERSON BEHIND US FOR SOME REASON.

**Ansem the Wise:** Oh hey Even. Can the Seeker of Darkness tell those were your Dusks?

**Even:** Hope not. *summons four of them behind him*

**Hayner, Pence, and Olette:** Still used to those things trying to hurt us, don't mind us if we panic horribly.

**Even:** … *bows his head* So apparently I was a spy within the Organization this whole game, if not the entire fucking time.

**Ansem the Wise:** Well that's fine but I don't see how that affects— _WHAAAAAA!?_

**Even:** Yep. Heard about one of the Xehanorts going off to look for you, so I took the opportunity to help rescue you. Thankfully those kids dropped by so I didn't have to tip my hand completely.

**Pence and Olette:** _Riiiiiight._

**Hayner:** I don't believe you!

**Even:** No, for real, I was a bad person who did bad things and I wish to start making up for them now. I'm completely serious, this is not a scam, I am on your side now.

**Ansem the Wise:** Still not buying it.

**Even:** Master, I implore you to reconsider.

**Ansem the Wise:** Hmm. Okay!

~When I first played the game I didn't believe that shit for a _second_ and genuinely thought he was gonna betray everyone in a heartbeat and was waiting for that to happen for the rest of the game.~

**Sora:** No cutscene for us? Time to head back to the Caribbean, then!

**Donald:** But we went out of our way to do everything.

**Sora:** Yeah but additional dialogue, though. Plus I forgot to take a picture of Jack for the inevitable Moogle quest. *lands in Port Royal* HOLY FUCK GIBBS.

**Gibbs:** Seein' as we've no ship. I suppose the day is ours to do with what we will.

**Sora:** ...The Pearl is literally right the fuck next to you, pal.

**Gibbs:** Perhaps the folk here can be divested of a secret or a shilling or two...

**Sora:** Just smash some barrels right in front of the hopeless people, there's cash and food everywhere that you can steal and no one will stop you. *takes out Gummi Phone* Anything to say to the camera?

**Gibbs:** Not a thing!

**Sora:** Well isn't that special!

**Donald:** Are Elizabeth and Barbossa anywhere to be found?

**Goofy:** I haven't seen 'em yet. I'm sure someone'll let us know in the comments.

**Sora:** We have comments? *aims the phone at Jack*

**Jack:** What's all this about?

**Sora:** Don't worry about it. *takes picture*

**Jack:** That some sort of spyglass? Prob'ly French, eh?

**Sora:** Sure, why not.

**Jack:** Never know what you'll find at sea, mates, but you'll always wonder.

**Sora:** Anyone know where that one sting ray goes? I followed it for a while but it just kinda drifts along.

**Jack:** Heading out to sea? Conveniently, so am I.

**Sora:** Well you're stuck following us whenever we're in town, so...

**Donald:** Let's set sail!

**Sora:** In a minute, Jesus...

**Donald:** Want to look for more of those white crabs, Sora?

**Sora:** Not really, the Leviathan's already leveled up to the point that we can now abandon her for the Pearl.

**Goofy:** We prob'ly should have a look at the charts, huh?

**Sora:** Why, wanna teleport to somewhere in particular?

**Goofy:** Where to, Captain Sora?

**Sora:** I just asked you — you know what, never mind. *heads toward the Pearl*

**Goofy:** They got lotsa cargo to sort out.

**Sora:** Noticed that, didja?

**Goofy:** I betcha they got some delicious seafood here.

**Sora:** Yeah I don't actually like seafood. Apropos of nothing I also think so-called vegetarians who'll still eat fish are fucking liars. *heads out to sea*

**Jack:** You're looking smart today, lads.

**Goofy:** I do feel extra piratey.

**Donald:** But I'm the swashbuckliest.

**Sora:** Hey, I'm the one with the captain's hat.

**Jack:** Aye, but I'm the only one without a strange accent.

**Sora:** ...Holy shit he's right.

**Goofy:** Uh, say, Jack. You are the _real_ Jack, aren't ya?

**Donald:** And not a bunch of crabs?

**Jack:** Crabs? Did you hit your heads, mates?

**Sora:** Hey, how many clones or whatever have we dealt with in this series? Jack is Jack, and that's all that matters.

**Jack:** Precisely. What?

**Sora:** *hastily* Tell us more about the Pirate Code, Jack.

**Donald:** Yeah, give us more guidelines.

**Jack:** Afraid that's on a need-to-know basis.

**Goofy:** Guess that means we should just follow your example.

**Jack:** Oh, I quite like the sound of that.

**Sora:** Oy vey. *is silent for a bit* ...Do you think Will and Elizabeth will be okay?

**Jack:** They'll weather it. They're made of sturdy stuff, those two.

**Goofy:** Yeah, you shoulda seen 'em fight aboard the Dutchman.

**Donald:** You missed the whole thing.

**Jack:** I was attending to...another matter.

**Goofy:** ...There sure are a lotta islands out here.

**Jack:** And many of 'em quite treacherous, mate.

**Sora:** I mean, we've been on all of them already and we survived pretty easily, so...

**Jack:** *is clearly getting bored with this aimless bullshit* Set a course, Captain Sora.

**Sora:** My course is to meander around destroying Heartless ships because that's the easiest way to level up, so strap the fuck in and shut up. *sticks around until he's at level fifty-five and also because it's fun to sail around on the Black Pearl herself before eventually fucking off*

~After playing through AssCreed IV: Black Sails again I gotta say it's a bit more fun sailing on the Leviathan/Pearl than the Jackdaw by sheer virtue of not having to _swim_ back to your ship every fucking time you get off.~


End file.
